Attack of the Corporate Weasel Words 490
theodp writes "Does it bother you that churches have a Mission Statement touting their Core Values? That even the CIA has a Vision? In his book Death Sentences: How Clichés, Weasel Words and Management-Speak are Strangling Public Language and in this Newsweek interview, Australian author Don Watson argues it's time to protest the mind-numbing business jargon that infests our schools, churches and political speech. Examples that people have sent to him can be found on Watson's website."
A damaging energy exchange (Score:4, Interesting)
Obligatory (Score:3, Funny)
!= accident. (Score:3, Informative)
We can't exactly use the word collision, as not all collisions cause damage (purely elastic or purely inelastic collisions will transfer energy without permenant deformation of the bodies involved)
I'm not sure if there are times when the word 'crash' denotes a situation that isn't a 'damaging energy exchange', but it seems better than 'accident', which has more to do with something not having been done intentionally, and very little
Re:!= accident. (Score:4, Funny)
No. A crash would be an "unanticpated and sudden reduction in kinetic energy".
Re:!= accident. (Score:3, Insightful)
Outsource This! (Score:3, Informative)
However, this man comes across as something of a luddite. Much of his opposition to certain phrases is decidedly ludden.
What's wrong with "email" as a noun? "E-mail Message" is long and pointless, when Huffman coding suggest it can be shortened to "E-mail" or just "Mail".
In addition to that opposition, he seems to have a limited grasp of Idiom, Synecdoche, Zeugma and other lon
Re:Outsource This! (Score:5, Interesting)
I agree with you that some of those points are uneccesarily nitpicking and anal but I have to say that Detention Centre is certainly a good description of a prison but sort of implies that it's somewhere you can drop in and out of at will when you wish to be detained.
Re:Outsource This! (Score:3, Funny)
(A pedant is anyone who cares about at least one more detail than I do. Anyone who cares about one less detail than I do is a lazy slob, of course.)
"To drill down" (Score:3, Funny)
Re:A damaging energy exchange (Score:3, Informative)
These examples are from _On Writing Well_ by William Zinsser, a book that should be read by everyone.
Dilbert (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Dilbert (Score:5, Insightful)
Now they are well trained politically, corporately for the next generation of work environment. My neighbors kids always do Dilbert skits. WTF is the world coming to when 10 year olds immitate managers and chief execs for fun?!
Re:Dilbert (Score:5, Funny)
Funny... our chief exec does a pretty impressive immmitation of a 10 year old!
Re:Dilbert (Score:4, Insightful)
You might find this an interesting read: The Trouble with Dilbert [alternet.org]. A snippet:
Re:Dilbert (Score:4)
Flamebait? Maybe, but it's true. Look, I'm not some Republican drone drubbing Doonesbury because I'm some "god fearin', commie fightin' 'merkin". I'm married to a union organizer and former communist, fer cripes sake! My critique of Doonesbury is based on having read the early stuff. Go back and actually read his truly funny stuff from the Nixon era, the really sharp stuff that won him a pulitzer in '75. Up until the 1980 election he was still pretty incisive. It looks like the election of Reagan really soured him, though. After that he turned into just another venue for tiresome liberal tub-thumping-- a sort of Garfield-meets-the-DNC hybrid. I realize some people have special place in their heart for the strip, but the last 20 years of it were really a shadow of its former glory.
Re:Dilbert (Score:3, Funny)
Lets brainstorm the alternatives (Score:5, Funny)
If we aren't going to eight-ball on these associative forward looking statements then clearly we've all got to just co-operatively compete in deciding on a common way forwards that brings all of the stakeholders on board, while enabling individuals to determine their own optimal path to success.
My other pet peeve is "solutions" as in "refuse organisation and disposal solutions" - Trash collection.
Re:Lets brainstorm the alternatives (Score:3, Funny)
There is a Palm app called Wank Words Bingo [palmgear.com] that can be used in corporate meetings. Here's [hobotraveler.com] a web based one you can print out or something.
Re:Lets brainstorm the alternatives (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Lets brainstorm the alternatives (Score:3, Insightful)
I worked at K-Mart in High School as an "Retail Inventory Dispersement Technician" or in English, a stock boy. Later I moved up to "Agricultural Supplement Distribution Engineer" and "Cash Transaction Processing Faciliator". In other words, I was a cashier in the Garden Shop and loaded top soil and cow manure into peoples' cars. It
this just in (Score:2)
General rule of thumb (Score:2)
"We're working on a new phone, it'll be even better then the last one because it can send e-mails and surf the internet!" translates to "We're adding more things which cost a lot of money and won't improve your phone any".
The old saying "If it's too good to be true, it probably is".
Re:General rule of thumb (Score:3, Insightful)
It has to happen (Score:4, Insightful)
Re:It has to happen (Score:3, Insightful)
It's annoying but... (Score:4, Interesting)
Re:It's annoying but... (Score:2)
Sorry, but I'm not sure you're in a position to cast the first stone here...
Already Written (Score:5, Informative)
http://www.resort.com/~prime8/Orwell/patee.html [resort.com]
Re:Already Written (Score:2, Interesting)
I looked at Weasel Words in the bookshop when it first came out, and it's incredibly dull. Honestly, if someone needs an entire book on weasel words in order to recognize them, they're already a lost cause.
Re:Already Written (Score:5, Insightful)
Strunk and White's _Elements of Style_ is another great guide to writing. It lives its message: the book says to be short and to the point, and so the book is actually short and to the point.It goes from the basics like joining sentences to the principles of composition and clear writing. Anyone who wants to be a writer, whether as a journalist, novelist, or academic, needs to pick up a copy.
I can't believe that almost got through senior year of college without ever having read this book, which is ridiculous- there's this idea in America that you don't need to learn the rules and basics of your craft anymore, whether its art or writing or whatever- well, that idea is bullshit. I'm all for breaking loose and breaking all the rules, but it helps to know the rules in the first place. And for every one Jack Kerouac who can write brilliant drug-fuelled free-form prose, there are a dozen people who really need to pick up Strunk and White, and Orwell's _Politics and the English Language_ Essay and learn to string two words together (I'm firmly in the second camp).
Re:Already Written (Score:2, Informative)
I personally like (Score:5, Funny)
You'll never get rid of it. (Score:2, Interesting)
They have their spin that their talking points are designed to get across, and so long as they are defending a position that benefits them (no matter how hypocritical or nonsensical), they're going to have to utilize such unnatural speech.
Re:You'll never get rid of it. (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:You'll never get rid of it. (Score:2)
I submit that neologisms like "spin" and "talking points" are just as evil and damaging to our language and the cultures it informs.
Re:You'll never get rid of it. (Score:4, Insightful)
Misread (Score:5, Funny)
Apologists (Score:4, Insightful)
The counter argument was that it's the jargon of management. Just as programmers talk about arrays in a different sense than a layman, or maybe 'threading' for another example. Buzzwords isn't a problem, it's just the language of management.
I think that's EXACTLY the problem. Managers don't talk to themselves. They lead with ideas, and understand the problems of others to help organize solutions. If nobody understands what the fuck they are saying, it's not management!
Re:Apologists (Score:5, Insightful)
Big organizations are about elevating policy, procedure and process to religious levels, at the expense of common sense, accomplishment, and leadership.
It's about maintaining the problem at all costs, a forget about fixing it.
One either becomes reconciled to it, or departs.
Re:Apologists (Score:5, Insightful)
I was shocked. That man wouldn't last two seconds in American politics. Every American knows that you deny any negative fact no matter how obvious. Weasel words are part of the same problem. An aversion in America from speaking the truth in public.
Re:Apologists (Score:3, Interesting)
If you do speak honestly, you are marginalized. Instantly. Welcome to the machine.
Christianity reflects the culture it lives in (Score:2, Interesting)
However, there is a backlash against this strict hierarchical structure, and as many traditional structures are being circumvented by new ways of doing things (blogs vs. old media, P2P vs. old music distribution, network vs. hierarchy, etc.), many churches will change to refl
Re:Christianity reflects the culture it lives in (Score:2, Insightful)
bullshit bingo (Score:2, Informative)
http://www.perkigoth.com/home/kermit/stuff/bullsh
I tried this myself in business seminars, definitly works! It's better to have humorous people around, though.
If they are honest... (Score:3, Interesting)
How about some honest ones- "We seek to have a complete monopoly on unreliable operating systems..."
I love the ones that have nothing to do with the product... "Our mascara comany seeks to delight our customers, create world peace, and give out random orgasms...."
From Vision Comes Values (Score:2)
It never seemed right to me, but I couldn't place the problem until recently, driving past a shell of one of their former buildings. Your vision is supposed to come from your values, which should be part of you. If your values come from your vision, that means that your guiding principles are a result of desires, which can change with the winds of economics.
In their c
It's All About Communication (Score:5, Insightful)
If you can't clearly communicate to a client or customer, you can find yourself losing business very quickly. If the client thinks they're getting one thing and you deliver another, that's usually a breakdown on your part. The same goes for clients that don't understand what is required of them.
Clear and concise gets the job done, makes everyone more comfortable, and takes less time than thick marketing copy or 'vision statements.'
In my still-idealistic view of the world, that's how it works. I realize that some companies rely on obfuscation and meaningless text to confuse their customers into thinking they're getting one thing when the proposal says another. Or to lock people into contracts that they didn't understand (ie, zero interest for 12 months).
But those aren't honest. And they don't encourage repeat business, referrals, or customer satisfaction. So in my mind, they don't promote success.
That's the problem (Score:2)
However, in a world with a lot of bad business practices, communication gets quickly obscured. When most people are flinging BS, it's who flings the most convincing BS that wins.
The point of the Weasel Words actually is not communication, however. The last thing way too many wordweasels want to do is actually say something.
Re:It's All About Communication (Score:2)
Re:It's All About Communication (Score:2, Funny)
Actually, it's how businessmen confuse the market (Score:2)
Well, if your product is chalk, then people aren't going to be willing to shell out £2.50 for a box of 30 chalk pills are they? So they sell you Settlers Tums instead of selling you chalk. Think of branding as economic disinformation.
Exactly the same techniques are used in business management for exactly the same r
This sounds like a job for.... (Score:5, Funny)
Hey man that's my comic strip! (Score:5, Interesting)
Anyway, yeah, it is a little ancient, but judging from the response I still get to it, it's definitely still relevant.
This strip was once printed in the Industry Standard magazine and in PC World New Zealand, of all places. Not to mention that Xerox once used it as a print sample for some of their color printers. But it's mostly known for having "escaped the lab" and been e-mailed to people all over the world.
And, fear not! I know for a fact that it's pasted on all kinds of cubicles all over the planet. In fact, my boss claims that one of the reasons I was hired at my current job is because of that comic strip.
(In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm the guy what drew it.)
Anyway
Even stranger, though, are the e-mails I get from people in countries where English isn't even the native language. Get your head around that one
We Have to Think Outside the Box, People (Score:3, Funny)
If we're going to tackle this corporate jargon problem, team, we're going to have to leverage our core competencies. We're going have to be goal-oriented and results-driven.
I say we kick off our anti-buzzword action plan by hitting the ground running. Now, who's going to own the mid-level implementation plan for this milestone?
P.S. Props to Action Item, Superhero [fatalexception.org] for inspiration.
My Favorites (Score:2)
100% Flamebait Guaranteed (Score:3, Insightful)
It does baffle me that churches have so much money, and I am a little afraid that God (TM) didn't intend it to be quite that way. I'm sorry (I have agnostic tendencies), if God exists I surely don't think (s)he intended for any church to be large enough to be considered a business. In fact it disgusts me that here in the United States many of the local religious figureheads drive nicer cars, own bigger houses, and smoke fatter cigars than myself. Men of God? Nay! Men of themselves.
That said, I appreciate that (privately owned) schools have missions statements, and I appreciate that they are trying to serve their target. I think that every state-funded school in the state of (insert your region) should share a common mission statement. I think its also in their best interest to fulfill their goals as described by that mission statement.
It has gotten out of hand. There was a time when Not-for-profit really meant Not-for-profit, and I see these "charitable" organizations seeming to crawl forward with beady-green-dollar-sign-eyes.
Anyway. Mission statements are a wonderful invention and critical in this world known as capitalism. Bloody hell, though... why does the local minister drive a Lexus?
Bullshit Bingo! (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Bullshit Bingo! (Score:2)
They let you clean out your own desk, or did they take care of that for you?
Re:Bullshit Bingo! (Score:2)
Re:Bullshit Bingo! (Score:4, Funny)
Leveraging Your Assets (Score:3, Interesting)
Choking the chicken of discontent, are we? Well, if you've ever worked in a call center, weasel words (lies) and management speak (bullshit) are survival tools. Leverage them wisely.
--
What would you hear if you crossed an Australian with a Canadian? G'day, eh. (OK. You think of a better question to make the answer funny!)
George Carlin (Score:2)
Wow, just like George Carlin. Only not funny!
outgrowth of Political Correctness (Score:5, Insightful)
I don't know which came first, jargon-talk, or politically correct speech, but somewhere in the last thirty years, speech and writing has become more about saying something with empahis on:
Maybe, though I get slaughtered sometimes, that's why I like slashdot... slashdotters give as good as they take. And usually say what they mean, or at least try. Case in point, how simple could a mission statement (hate that term) be other than "News for Nerds. Stuff that matters." be?
I jumped off the politcally correct band wagon years ago when two "corrections" juxtaposed themselves:
You all can fight back by using candid, frank, and direct language. But, you'll pay a price. Utlimately though I think you'll find it much more satisfying.
Politically correct speech and pronunciations (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Politically correct speech and pronunciations (Score:3, Funny)
Could it be because you're white?
Re:Politically correct speech and pronunciations (Score:3, Funny)
That's chromatically challenged, thank you.
Good. (Score:3, Interesting)
Given that I have to say a lot of fairly boring things I would rather put some effort into giving what I say the qualities you describe than just blurt it out. It makes my day slightly more interesting and it reduces the chance of people getting pissed off, which makes me tired (I am old).
So, while you're making a point of being 'candid, frank and direct' I'll be taking the extra five seconds to be polite, diplomatic and cautious. We'll see which strategy turns out to be more stressful.
Fear of empty spaces. (Score:2)
Take a better shot than this... (Score:2)
This isn't a criticism of language, it's just pissing and moaning. Well-applied technology can lead to more e
What bothers me more than the weasel words,... (Score:2, Insightful)
To make an only somewhat bold and oversimplified assertion, we've seen the effects of the middle-management mentality in (among many other examples) the travesty that has been the Catholic church's handling of the sex-abusing priests: "Middle-management" shuffled most
Thank god someone is recognizing this (Score:5, Insightful)
I was writing up a report and I was including the phrase "Solutions", but I forget what I was solving. Can't I just fix something anymore? Why do I have to deliver a solution?
Issues and solutions, issues and solutions. I with I had an old-fashioned problem. I'd probably just fix it!
Re:Thank god someone is recognizing this (Score:3, Interesting)
Looking at our web site usage stats for the past year, the work main page has been visited quite a bit and specific project pages have
You don't need to fix anything (Score:3, Funny)
circumlocutions and euphemisms (Score:2)
As long as you have to catch someone with your words, promote something with your pitch etc you will always have to make this choice: be honest and say up front "I'd like to make the following impression on you..." or be dishonest. The latter allows you to cover your hook with some bait of words: to use a vocabulary that obscures the nasty and disa
It's really not the buzzwords so much... (Score:3, Interesting)
For instance, I've seen the phrase "core competency" come up in this discussion a couple of times. I've actually adopted that one in all seriousness, though, because it is a valuable concept, especially in this time of outsourcing. (And remember, outsourcing doesn't just mean "to India"... a six-person company can't hardly afford not to outsource HR nowadays, and that is largely a good thing all the way around.) If you are in a company and you can't identify your core competencies, you're in trouble. If you try to outsource your core competencies, you might as well just pack up shop. And you ought to be wary about taking on things that don't play to your core competencies, and you ought to be careful about expanding them if you don't have the resources.
But I use the term very specifically, and because there is no better replacement. The problem isn't that word specifically, it's when it gets buried in passive voice and slapped together with other "buzzwords" and ultimately stripped of all referents. "Core competency" is meaningless if you don't really know what it is, or it has no effect on the rest of the sentence/paragraph it is embedded in (i.e., the paragraph makes sense equally if your "core competency" is spinning cotton into thread or performing top-secret assassination missions). Generally, a "mission statement" ought to say outright what it is supposed to be.
There are other similar buzzwords that if you dig into where they came from, there are valuable ideas there and there are a few others I use in all seriousness, even though I'm more an engineer than a manager. It's really more how they are used, abused, misunderstood, and (perhaps most importantly, as shown above) underspecified that really hurts.
(Here, I'm talking about the traditional "buzzwords". This is a separate class from "words I use to say something without invoking the negative connotations", like "issue" for "problem". Those are basically indefensible.)
Re:It's really not the buzzwords so much... (Score:3, Insightful)
The same goes for "management speak". Many of these ideas began as useful things that helped a corporation get its act together. Understanding what your "core competencies" are is important. Defining your corporate "mission" rea
It's fashion. Shallow, embarassing fashion. (Score:2)
Giv
My personal favs (Score:2)
Empowerment - We're cutting staff so we're enpowering those of you who are left to do their work and yours for the same pay.
Right size - We're sending your jobs to Pakistan. If you're lucky we'll empower you to stay long enough to train your replacements.
Disconnect - Any time you can't read the customer's mind and anticipate every boot-licking, petty request they might have. Enough disconnects and we'll right
Proper Vision and Mission Statements (Score:2)
The proper role of a mission statement is to assist in the decision-making process. It should serve as a set of criteria for evaluating options. By writing out your organization's goals in a concrete form, you hope to keep the organization focused on its original goals and values even though the leadership figures
Depreciation (Score:3, Interesting)
Churches? (Score:2)
Re:Churches? (Score:3, Insightful)
1. Love the Lord your God unconditionally
2. Love your neighbor as yourself
It seems like everything else the Church is supposed to do springs from those two commands.
Problem is not mission statements (Score:5, Interesting)
The problem, usually, is that everyone wants to keep these things generic, bland, and inoffensive. They shouldn't be. For an example of a good mission statement, consider this one I wrote for a computer store I'm a partner in:
No weasel words, no paradigms--shifting or otherwise--and no nonsense. What we mean by these terms is spelled out in our values statement (which I won't reproduce here.) Because I have this statement, I can hold my employees accountable to it.A mission or vision that nobody understands is worthless. But a good one is priceless.
Re:Problem is not mission statements (Score:4, Funny)
I recommend "Spread the teachings of Christ. Preferrably without killing non-believers or touching little boys."
Mission: We will serve our customers with (1) top-quality service, (2) good advice and (3) fair business practices.
Like most mission statements, this isn't actually a statement of your mission. It is a statement of how you want to behave while on your mission. Try adding the word "computer" somewhere in that sentence so that people can get an idea of what you actually DO. This will help you eliminate the cruft. Otherwise you will be providing your customers with top-quality service in the field of malaysian sweatshop labor.
Re:Problem is not mission statements (Score:3, Insightful)
Mission: We will serve our customers with (1) top-quality service, (2) good advice and (3) fair business practices.
No weasel words, no paradigms--shifting or otherwise--and no nonsense. What we mean by these terms is spelled out in our values statement (which I won't reproduce here.)
You're a commercial enterprise in a capitalist society. Your first priority is therefore almost by definition to make profit. Why is that not in your mission statement?
Understand the purpose of the words... (Score:5, Insightful)
The purpose is to present an image to the casual observer. Words are selected for their appearance--"pro active", "standards compliant", "reorganization", etc. sound like action, consistency, and controlled change.
But they mean nothing. That's intentional. The corporation does not want to offer its detractors any ammunition for future attacks. "You said that..." Well, actually, we didn't say anything of the sort. Did we?
Do you seriously expect some organization to give you a clear commitment to anything without there being some significant benefit to them for doing so?
It's inconsistent with the corporation's fiduciary responsibility (look that one up, it's a real thing) to act in that manner. That is to say, if a corporate leader does things because "it's the right thing to do for the world/the customers/the industry", rather than "it makes more money for the stockholders and exposes the corporation to less risk", then they violate that responsibility.
At best, that violation is unethical. At worst, it's criminal.
Re:Understand the purpose of the words... (Score:5, Insightful)
This "fiduciary responsibility" is in my opnion the main reason we should fear corporations -- like we do fear hungry lions. Amoral, besital and constantly looking for lunch.
Therefore, the problem of twisted language used to hide the truth from the victims of the hungry corporate greed and lust for power is only a minor one when compared to the corporate influence over governments.
I firmly believe that in order to save capitalism and the Western societies from themselves, one has to limit severely the size of businesses and remove the corporation as a structure from its current dominant place and restore it to its original purpose, as the "public charter" used to allow a group of small businesses to gang together temporarily to afford a large project.
Having a greedy, narcisstic and amoral "persons" -- as the corporations are treated by the law of their own design -- is not in the interest of society at large, nor it is in the interest of the economic system known as "capitalism" since its main fuel is "competition", but gigiantic corporations are contrary to that.
Use of "Resources" (Score:5, Insightful)
So at a monthly meeting, when my boss asked me if I needed more resources to complete a project, I said, "I don't think I need any more coal or lumber for this project. I could use some more people though." I think I nearly got fired that day.
"Now, as you all know, I'm not here..." (Score:5, Funny)
A couple of my favourites:
"Could you join me for a brief scuba in my thinktank?"
"Can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?"
More here [imdb.com]
The Emperor's New Words (Score:5, Insightful)
This phenomenon creates an incentive to create "management speak." People will be less likely to question you if you confuse them. People won't complain about being confused because they fear being called stupid.
Perfect remedy for this problem (Score:5, Funny)
Last weekend at a Café (Score:5, Funny)
There was a couple sitting at the table next to mine, the man was elaborating at length on some kind of organisational scheme, using the latest buzzwords. And his female companion seemed impressed!
Having finished my drink, I stood up and asked the man: "You must work in HR, right?"
He looked bemused, and said: "Yes. How did you know?"
I just smiled and left.
My favorite (Score:5, Funny)
Good quote (Score:3, Funny)
How true it is.
Re:Critiques of the English language... (Score:2)
Huh? I though Australia, UK, Ireland, etc. all spoke American.
Re:Critiques of the English language... (Score:5, Interesting)
From Amazon's book description: "... reflects on the way language has been abused so that, instead of being a means of communicating the truth and entering more deeply into it, and of the acquisition of wisdom, it is being used to control people and manipulate them to achieve practical ends. Reality becomes intelligible through words. Man speaks so that through naming things, what is real may become intelligible. This mediating character of language, however, is being increasingly corrupted. Tyranny, propaganda, mass-media destroy and distort words. They offer us apparent realities whose fictive character threatens to become opaque."
Re:Critiques of the English language... (Score:3, Informative)
Re:The most important question... (Score:2)
Re:I noticed (Score:2, Funny)
Re:In case of Slashdotting (Score:3, Insightful)