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Satirewire Calls It Quits 106

stuyman writes "After almost three years, Andrew Marlatt, SatireWire's best (and only) employee is leaving the company. Says Marlatt "I all agreed it's time for me to move on...while the decision was certainly difficult, the meeting was actually quite harmonious. I brought doughnuts." He's going to start doing other things, and it has nothing to do with money. Read about it here. Satirewire has landed, please remain seated until we are fully stopped in the terminal area..." I owe Andrew some heavy laughter, and wish him good luck.
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Satirewire Calls It Quits

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  • He could at least get the rest of us some doughnuts too.. I want a doughnut. Good luck man!
  • by selectspec ( 74651 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @05:30PM (#4152175)
    suing the onion for patent infringement.
  • by AtariDatacenter ( 31657 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @05:33PM (#4152196)
    I've done a bit of writing at SegFault. (The majority of it right before it went belly up.) It'd be nice if SatireWire would accept submissions now that their main contributor is going onto other things. (Well, main contributor, editor, publisher, errand boy...)

    Is there *decent* website we can go to in order to publish our own faux tech news?
  • How do we now this is not just another part of the joke.

    A slashdottting seems like a great way to shut down the site :)

    Satire is a really powerful way to get a message across. This weeks story telling boring people not to encrypt stuff will help me to convince people why they do need cryptography. l

    My personal favorite story has to be this one about Microsoft Outlook, i inlcude it anytime some sends me a virus warning. l
    classic just classic
    Foot-and-Mouth First Virus Unable To Spread Through Microsoft Outlook

    Satire is a powerful weapon.
    Satirewire will be dearly missed.
    • Actually, my favorite satirewire article in recent memory was ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL [] which sort of highlighted the silliness of identifying three countries as some sort of menace to humanity as a whole. Especially given the fact that Iran and Iraq are bitter enemies the idea that they are some sort of "axis" is crazy.


      • That article was a fucking scream. I'm more of an Onion-bot than a Satirewire-bot, but holy fuck did that Axis of Just as Evil make me laugh. For like 3 days. Especially the way we Canadians were put into the "Axis of not so evil but secretly harbours a dislike for America" (or something like that).

        Though I can't remember who said it, it pretty much validated my favorite quote: "There are some things of such deadly earnest that they can only be safely told under cover of a joke." (It was that comedian, Rogers .. the cowboy ... oh well, can't remember.)
    • Powerful? Nah, satirewire was definitely one of the weak sisters of the comedy news sites. Every article on there wasn't particularly insightful, matter of fact I usually think, "I could have written that" when seeing a satirewire link. Kind of like Saturday Night Live (shudder).
      • Links to anything better? In the same class? Even remotely as good (ok this is at least in the latter category). I've not found any...
      • You could have (Score:2, Insightful)

        by skahshah ( 603640 )
        But you did not.
      • Every article on there wasn't particularly insightful, matter of fact I usually think, "I could have written that" when seeing a satirewire link

        "It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too."

        -- Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
  • by Anonymous Coward
    This is too bad, but i'm glad to see he isn't going to keep forcing himself to write even though his heart's gone out of it. Sometimes, with continuous art/literature pieces like Satirewire, the most important thing of all is knowing when to stop.

    And at least he's going to keep writing, so unlike, say, Bill Watterson, we're still going to hear from him :) This is better for the readers. It means they can still hear from him from time to time, and his output will be much better because he isn't having to spend all his energy on this hungry website beast.
    • That is so true. Quit while a good thing is still going. Perpetuate the legend that way. I was writing an online log of my weekly doings, but now that I'm going back to school, I've lost some interest in it. I wouldn't want to force myself to keep it up to date, since I wouldn't enjoy that.
    • 1st rule of entertainment: Always leave them wanting for more.

      e.g. Well executed: Monty Python, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Bill Watterson, Gary Larson

      e.g. Poorly executed: The X-Files, AC/DC, Metallica, Charles Shultz, Microsoft
  • Was it "No!" or was Jupiter a "Ho!" ?
  • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @05:36PM (#4152226)
    That site has been a festering pile of dog snot for the last 9 months or so. Nothing new to say. He didn't just beat a dead horse, he bought a stronger whip, changed riders, proclaimed "this is the way we have always ridden this horse," appointed a committee to study the horse, arranging to visit other satire sites to see how they ride dead horses, increased the standards to ride dead horses, declared that the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead, and finally, harnessed several dead horses together for increased speed.
  • Thats It! (Score:1, Insightful)

    by Guipo ( 591513 )
    Thats it, I'm quitting the internet. It now holds no joy for me.
    • There is definitely an element of truth to that: The net has lost a lot of its joy. Between watching hilarious ads on AdCritic (sidenote: I submitted an article today mentioning [], which almost fills in for AdCritic, but the story was rejected in a record 10 seconds), reading hilarious articles on [] (which had absolutely brilliant writing, and defined the earlier Internet), laughing to Mirsky's Worst of the Web (this was back when I had a little ecommerce sites on Turnpike Emporium, a host I chose because it was Mirsky's host. My little computer configurator was, some 7 years ago, more advanced than most computer store configuration utilities today), hell even reading sites like Old Man Murray []. Other great sites like Quarter to Three [] simply stopped updating (though if you read the Shoot Club archives [], you'll see that it was some great stuff).

      I still believe that the ideas I presented in this article [] (which was linked by a Slashdot story some time over a year ago) still hold true now more than ever.

  • So, now... (Score:3, Interesting)

    by Apuleius ( 6901 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @05:49PM (#4152320) Journal
    How about collating SatireWire's articles and publishing a book, a la Dispatches from the 9th CIrcle?
    • The Book (Score:4, Informative)

      by maggard ( 5579 ) <> on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @06:49PM (#4152685) Homepage Journal
      How about collating SatireWire's articles and publishing a book [...]
      That would be "Economy of Errors []":

      From the creator of the award-winning Web site that USA Today calls "hilarious," Fast Company hails as "pure lunacy," and The New York Times calls "unfair to Argentina," comes ECONOMY OF ERRORS, the book that asks:

      • Did you know that truly loyal employees are increasingly rare, and can be sold to other companies at attractive prices?
      • Do you agree that in a tight labor market, managers should be allowed to slap employees pretty much whenever they want?
      • Have you ever cleared space for yourself on an airplane by turning to the stranger next to you and shouting, 'Good God! One of us is going to be sick in your seat!'?

      If your answer to any of these questions was, "I didn't realize Alan Greenspan ties interest rates to his cholesterol level," you should definitely buy ECONOMY OF ERRORS.


      • Typo Causes Companies to Merde
      • Kmart Gives Shoplifter Refunds
      • Interviews with Bill Gates, Roger Clemens, and classical rapper Yo Yo Ma Big Thang
      • Enron
      • Argentina
      • Mr. Clickwell
      • The poetry of e.e. commerce
      • Businesspeople with fish heads, and much more.

    • "How about collating SatireWire's articles and publishing a book, a la Dispatches from the 9th CIrcle?"

      I'm not sure, I think he might have a book out. He hinted as much in the article.
  • Its the best place remaining to get good news and funny content. And its always been better than the onion or satirewire or any of the others.

  • Good luck to him! (Score:3, Insightful)

    by seldolivaw ( 179178 ) <> on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @05:53PM (#4152350) Homepage
    It takes a lot of guts to turn your back on a money-making venture just because you're no longer interested. Too many creative people -- writers, musicians, whatever -- keep going too long, for the money, and damage their careers and their reputations as a result. He's going out at the top, because he's noticed (as have most regular readers) that he's not as funny as he used to be. He'd stalled, but he has enough sense to bail out before he starts descending.
  • Well (Score:2, Funny)

    by Nethergoat ( 597008 )
    At least he didn't cite creative differences...
    • Re:Well (Score:2, Informative)

      by bartash ( 93498 )
      Actually he *did* cite creative differences.
      It's called humor.
      • And, unfortunately, whomever submitted the article text doesn't understand it either.

        I mean, shit ... the "I all agreed it's time for me to move on" joke is like 4/10ths as funny without the creative-differences citation. /me headshakes
    • Re: actually he did (Score:2, Informative)

      by bracher ( 33965 )
      did you even read the article?!?

      "New Haven, Conn. -- Citing creative differences, SatireWire's founder and sole employee, Andrew Marlatt, announced that as of today, the site will no longer be updated."

      [emphasis added]

      - mark
    • But he did:

      "New Haven, Conn. ( -- Citing creative differences, SatireWire's founder and sole employee, Andrew Marlatt, announced that as of today, the site will no longer be updated."

  • I appreciate the effort, and couldn't have done any better, but Satirewire just wasn't funny. It was formulaic. Little surprise or imagination. Hopefully he'll be much better at what he does in the future. And it's great that he's not going out like a punk, either, by, say, demanding that the onion change its name to Satirewire/The Onion, or whining about corporations....
  • What will I read while I'm at work? The onion is already blocked!
  • Yeesh, the least he could have done is left the server turned on until AFTER Slashdot was done linking to it!

    Oh, ... wait a minute.

  • I'll buy it!!!! I have like $50 bucks...
    and a cookie.

    But seriously... I'm saddened. Those articles were some of the funniest things I've read... I'll miss the few and far between articles.
  • Let's see, there's; The Onion (out of respect for it's past, if nothing else); the usual collection of blogs... man, this is sad! Any other humor sites worth a regular visit?
  • One of a few times that Fark linked before Slashdot. Imagine that. Anyway, yeah, occasionally he came out with some good stuff, but it just really wasn't that funny. I can appreciate what he did for those that were into that kind of humor, but many times they just seemed boring or, rather, uninteresting.
  • What better end to Satirewire's long and storied career than having its servers slashdotted into oblivion.

    "That's not retirement... I'll SHOW you retirement!"
  • by sam_handelman ( 519767 ) <> on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @06:13PM (#4152471) Homepage Journal
    Seriously, I know he says it is not about money, but he's *really* funny, and he shouldn't be barely scraping by, making humor that's genuine and doesn't answer to anybody, b/c that's clearly what he loves.

    After all, we may enjoy satirewire a great deal, but this funny man should be exposed to a wider, less geekocentric audience. Instead of doing a webpage, he should trade his notoriety for a job writing for a sitcom, and make good money while his humor is watered down beyond recognition and his imagination is crushed into dust.
    Don't be sad because satirewire is gone! Don't be sad, DESPAIR, because the REST of our culture is a soul-destroying wasteland trampling and undermining the human spirit.
  • In case you can't tell, I'm throwing a virtual tantrum. I've just finished stomping my feet on the floor and now I'm banging my head against my monitor ... ... now I'm holding my breath ... ... really loud now (so I'm holding my hands over my ears) NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo. No, N0, NO!

    I don't wanna for it to stop.

    I want my SatireWire

    (can you tell I'm the dad of a 2.5 year old)

    No. Okay, Now I'm swatting at the monitor ...

    I'll continue to cycle through these steps until I get what I want, catharsis kicks in, or my wife gets home - whichever occurs first.
  • My favorite was the one about Australia going on a bender, whining about not getting any respect, and waking up in the mid-Atlantic with a hangover.

    My second favorite was the one about "all that foreign shit on the internet."

    Thaks for the laughs.

    You damn quitter.
  • obligatory links (Score:4, Informative)

    by Greenrider ( 451799 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @06:40PM (#4152633)
    The best laughs I've had from SatireWire:

    Are you tangential? []
    Imagine there's no countries []
    Should Marty Xerox Egypt? []
    Least-used chat e-bbreviations []
    Ask the startled []
    Men do talk about relationships []
    Canada has a waship? like for war? []
    God names next chosen people; it's Jews again []
    New "Segway Human Transporter" not tested for acronyms []
  • What a way to go out...slashdotted into oblivion :)
  • I'm not disappointed in the slightest. I hope Mart goes on to do even greater and better things than the stuff that he's been doing that I don't really know anything about. Besides, there's always slashdot on April 1st (although, isn't the point of an April fool's joke that you actually FOOL someone?).
  • by thrillbert ( 146343 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @06:55PM (#4152709) Homepage
    New Haven, Conn. (OSDNews) -- Federal investigators descended on the front door of SatireWire's Andrew Marlatt armed with search warrants and cease and desist notices.

    Marlatt, who just recently announced his retirement from the web site, is now the focus of an investigation focusing on financial dealings with himself. In a memo obtained by OSDNews, we have learned that Mr. Marlatt awarded himself quite a hefty sum of money as a settlement for firing himself. When questioned about it, Mr. Marlatt replied "I had that in my contract. I had told myself that if I ever wanted to quit, I was not going to walk away with nothing. And just because I am taking 100% out of the company should not mean I am trying to steal all it's funds!"

    President Bush, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concerned regarding such shady dealings and was quoted as saying "this is exactly the type of deals we need to stop. How can it be that someone can work hard to build something, then shut it down and take all the profits? I might need to have the IRS investigate this character!".

    Meanwhile, the Slashdot community was both saddened by the news, and upset at the fact Mr. Marlatt had not bought doughnuts for them.

    We contacted CowboyNeal via telephone, but were unable to make out what he said over the incredible sobbing noises he was making.

    Thank you Andrew! You made us all laugh!
  • by afflatus_com ( 121694 ) on Tuesday August 27, 2002 @07:41PM (#4152990) Homepage
    Time and again creative people will leave the game when they are at the top. I forget who said it, but a nice answer that one creative person said to the question of why they chose to stop while at the zenith of their success:

    I would rather leave and have them ask "Why did you leave?", instead of waiting years after my heart was no longer in it, and then have them ask "Why didn't you leave?"
    • I think it was Michael Jordan who said that...The first (of 3) times he retired from basketball.
    • ...besides "what good are laurels if
      you can't rest on them" that he quit satire
      when henry kissinger won the nobel peace prize,
      "[because you just can't beat that for
      real satire]" (or something to that effect).

      naturally, lehrer understands ('cuz he's not dead!)
      that satire is an entirely different
      animal than parody. i think our good man
      passes this test.
    • If you're going through your act, and you're in the last 5 minutes, and you hit a bit in your routine that has the audience rolling, then you say "Thank you, good night!" and get off the stage. Nothing is worse than finishing on a bit that doesn't get a laugh. Always leave them laughing, even if it means leaving the last bit of your routine undone.

      Unfortunately, recent political figures seem to have adapted this strategy.

  • Nobody told me! I never heard of SatireWire and now it's gone?!?

    Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!


    Oh well. Is there any other tech humour sites I don't know about?
  • The best that can be said of it is that of all the countless Onion knock-offs, it was the least offensive.
  • everytime he called in sick, he knew it was a lie.

"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts most subtly on the human will." -- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"