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US Military Uses Spam, Internet Explorer 332

chundo writes "CNN reports that the United States government has been secretly encouraging the defection of senior Iraqi officials via email. Iraq is responding by shutting down some of their internet gateways to prevent these emails from getting through, forcing the US to find alternate means to deliver the message. Maybe they should have enlisted this guy - emails from him keep showing up in my inbox no matter what I do." This story about the growing military network bandwidth crunch shows the U.S. military trying hard to get every soldier online, all the time.
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US Military Uses Spam, Internet Explorer

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  • by dachang ( 258727 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:20PM (#5063069)
    Not 72 virgins I hope.
  • by Eric_Cartman_South_P ( 594330 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:24PM (#5063089)
    RE: Get your virgins BEFORE you die!

    RE: Pictures of Alah! Download now!

    RE: Make money selling burkas from your home.

    RE: Gain weight now!

    ...I'm gonna burn Karma for this one for SURE.

    • You aren't being very sensitive. Pictures of Allah are forbiden because he is too holy.

    • Re:Islamic Spam (Score:3, Informative)

      by Guppy06 ( 410832 )
      "RE: Pictures of Alah! Download now!"

      Actually, that one will get you in trouble. You're not supposed to have pictures of holy people/things/etc. For example, nobody is quite sure what Mohammed looked like because the artists of the time weren't allowed to paint his face.
      • Re:Islamic Spam (Score:3, Insightful)

        by katre ( 44238 )
        For example, nobody is quite sure what Mohammed looked like because the artists of the time weren't allowed to paint his face.

        Yeah, and Christians today have a wonderful idea of what Christ looked like. Let's see... he was Jewish, lived in the middle east, in the desert... he must have been tall, blond, blue-eyed, and white!
        • Re:Islamic Spam (Score:3, Interesting)

          by g4dget ( 579145 )
          While Christ is usually portrayed as a bit less Middle Eastern than one might historically expect, he is usually shown with dark hair and eyes in churches and paintings. And I don't see why portraying him as tall is a problem, or are you saying that everybody in the Middle East is short?

          Of course, there is the perhaps more basic question of whether there is anything to portray at all or whether Christ is just a myth. And if you do believe the entire story, then the issue becomes: given his father, Christ might have had looked like anything, or even appeared differently to different people.

          • Re:Islamic Spam (Score:3, Insightful)

            by aminorex ( 141494 )
            While Christ is generally portrayed with nordic
            features in nordic cultures, he is also generally
            portrayed with asian features in asian cultures,
            and african features in african cultures as well,
            quite appropriately to the universality of his
            role. After all, the entire point of incarnation
            is identification with individual humans. Any
            barrier to identification is profoundly counter-
            productive to his purpose.
  • Spam sample (Score:4, Funny)

    by Devil's BSD ( 562630 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:24PM (#5063090) Homepage
    Fm: gwbush@us.mil
    To: saddam@iraq.com
    Subj: Hot Iraqi Women in your Email!

    You have credit problms? Is you penis to small? Well you hav win $1,000,00 million dollars! Click here to claim you prize mony and send a nuke your way.

  • by AltImage ( 626465 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:25PM (#5063095) Homepage
    So with all the spam, now the Iraqui leaders get a chance to help all those Nigerians get money out of the country. I bet they also have 12 inch penises, have overcome hairloss, and have lost 10 pounds just this past week. What are we trying to do...create a race of wealthy, well hung, rich guys to fight against?
  • want to add 3-5 cm to your penis length? defect now to obtain the super male enhancing pills

    I have inherited 5milion dollars and we can split it, all is needed is the transfer fee and for you to defect... profit!
  • You should be watching the United States (Symbol USA). Now is a HOT TIME to defect. Don't let this oportunity pass you by, defect today!
  • by saskboy ( 600063 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:29PM (#5063114) Homepage Journal
    I don't know about your email servers, but don't you go under the assumption that your email is being read by your ISP, or your boss?

    How does the US expect their defectors to reply to the offers? They can't very well send them by email for fear of being nabbed. Maybe they tell them to draw a big 'V' in the ground so the spy satellites can see that they want to vacate Iraq?
    • 3 words: public key encryption.

      Any scientist smart enough that we want him would know how to take an American public key, use it to encrypt details of a defection back to the states, and shit just hand-write the ASCII armor of it and fax it back..
    • by goldspider ( 445116 ) <ardrake79@gm a i l.com> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:42PM (#5063156) Homepage
      It's easy, all they have to do is click on the "Please remove my name from your mailing list" link!
    • by LostCluster ( 625375 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:47PM (#5063173)
      They're not asking for an action, they're asking an inaction. They're warning them that if they use WMD, and get caught, the US is gonna send them to an early meeting with their 72 virgins. If they wanna have any status in the post-Saddam Iraq, they should ignore Saddam's orders.
      • by shyster ( 245228 ) <brackett@uPARISfl.edu minus city> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @04:02PM (#5063230) Homepage
        Actually they're telling them to report to the UN.

        The message includes instructions to the e-mail recipients to contact the United Nations in Iraq if they want to defect.
      • by Fefe ( 6964 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @05:42PM (#5063685) Homepage
        Oh come on, there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The USA has had a massive surveillance operation running for years, they have spy sattelites and planes, and they bugged the phone lines, and they gave their info to the UN inspectors, and the inspectors conducted 250 unannounced surprise raids on those places and still found nothing!

        How much more proof do you need that Iraq does not have weapons of mass destruction?

        Spamming them may be a good plan to waste enough of their time to delay their progress, but it sure isn't stopping them from using the ones they have now -- because they don't have any!

        By the way: read this poll result [rumormillnews.com] in Portugal; more than 70% of the population think that the USA is the biggest threat to world peace today. 3% say it's Iraq, 1% say it's China. 12% say it's Israel.

        All this warmongering will only make things worse. First of all, it gave North Korea a legitimate excuse to leave the nuclear proliferation treaty. After all, Bush said he will to preventive strikes against his enemies, and he said North Korea is part of the Axis of Evil, so he actually gave North Korea the only good excuse to build more weapons.

        Bush should focus on rebuilding the economy he ruined so thoroughly, not on bombing Iraq and alienating Europe. Do you have any idea how frightened the South Koreans must be now, and all of that just because of a few dumb remarks from Mr. Bush?
        • Here are a number of things that had at first confused me.

          1) Ranking senators in the intelligence committees saying they had not been shown any further evidence that made them conclude that Iraq had WMD.

          2) The Administration's insistance that the group it shares the information with from the UN be *larger* than the current group of inspectors. Larger? WTF? If you want something to be secret you tell as few people as possible. Even the IAEA has mentioned that it would be helpful to them if the US has such informatin that they turn it over to the UN.

          3) Ok, so assuming that the Administration knows that their allegations are false, then what? Why pick on Saddam now? His army is far weaker, though better entrenched, than it was in 1991, and the real threats to US forces would likely be post-Saddam ethnic violence.

          So why Iraq and why now?

          15 of the 9-11 hijackers came from Saudi Arabia, and I believe that the Administration feels that probing too closely into any aspect of the Saudi nation or government fundamentally undermines US capability in the Middle East. First we have the fact that they are THE MAJOR source of foreign oil (not a big deal, we could always get it from Russia, or Iraq...), but the bigger issue is not about oil.

          We are immensely dependent on two nations in the Middle East for basing rights-- Saudi Arabia and Turkey.

          I suspect that the idea is that we can position US bases in a Post Saddam Iraq because, just as we are doing in Afghanistan today, we will continue to create a divisive system which needs some oversight by US troups.

          But I think the focus on Iraq is that a
          "liberated" (occupied) Iraq would make Saudi Arabia dispensible, and that we would no longer have to pull our punches regarding that regime-- expect it to replace Iraq in Bush's Axis of evil.

          In the end, I grudgingly supported operations in Afghanistan because I felt that Al Qaeda was a direct result of US aid to and recruitment for the rebels against the Soviets. But I am deeply concerned that if the US continues to sponsor the various warlords, that the rule of law will not return to Afghanistan, and it will be a place that will end up being the further breeding ground of terrorism. If we turn the middle east into our playground for witch-hunts, we will be encouraging the very thing we claim to be fighting, just as we did in Vietnam.

          I will disagree with you though-- the North Korea situation is complicated--

          1) North Korea we think was probably restarting their nuclear program in 2000, but only admitted to it more recently. On the other hand, the 1994 framework was supposed to give North Korea fully normalized relations with the US and membership in the world bank. These parts were never implimented, so one could argue that we broke it first (what the hawks think in North Korea, I would bet).

          2) The reactor was restarted when we suspended fuel shipment-- this gave them the excuse to restart the reactor because they do need the electricity. When the IAEA complained that the refusal to allow inspectors was a violation of the Nonproliveration Treaty, North Korea withdrew from the treaty.

          The unfortunate likely result is that North Korea will go nuclear-- we cannot negotiate with then for fear of encouraging nations, maybe including Iran, Egypt, or Saudi Arabia from starting nuclear programs. And failure to respond diplomatically, will result in North Korea going nuclear. Does this scare me? No-- North Korea has been a very repressive regime, but their policy towards the US has been one of deterrence.
    • by reallocate ( 142797 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @04:11PM (#5063254)
      I'd guess it is a safe bet that all communications of Iraqi officers of that level is monitored by the Iraqi government. The act of replying to email from a known U.S. address -- regardless of the subject matter -- would likely bring retribution.

      In any case, this is an attempt at pyschological warfare: Stay on the sidelines in a war or you will be captured and tried as a war criminal.
    • by autopr0n ( 534291 )
      They're called telephones.
    • I don't know about your email servers, but don't you go under the assumption that your email is being read by your ISP, or your boss?

      Well, for my business email, sure. Doesn't everyone put in compliments about their boss (and especially their IT staff) in their business email every once in a while? ;-)

      Otherwise, I use Hushmail for personal use, and I KNOW my IT department hasn't gotten it together enough to employ key loggers. Yeah, I know Hush isn't completely safe, but nothing will stop key loggers if you are trying to log in on a computer you don't know is secure...
  • by jdreed1024 ( 443938 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:30PM (#5063118)

    You MAY be SURPRISED to receive this, but THE OFFICE GIRL said that you were a most TRUSTWORTHY PERSON. I beg you Forgive me for contacting you without prior contacting your office, but I am looking for a WORTHY business PARTNER to donate the sum of USD 124.5 million dollars. I am the son of the FORMER president of the U.S.A GEORGE BUSH who initiated a MILITARY CAMPAIGN in 1991. During this campaign, we discovered HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS stolen from THE REBELS. OUR economy is IN TROUBLE and we MUST get this MONEY overseas before the people DISCOVER it. We will gladly be willing to pay you the SUM of 26 MILLION DOLLARS for ASSISTING US. I pray to GOD that you will HELP US get this MONEY out of the country. ALL we need FROM you is your PASSPORT and SIGNATURE which you can fax to me or my colleauges to initiate the transfer of the MILLIONS of dollars. I remain your most humble SERVANT, and PRAY that you will be OUR SAVIOR.


  • I doubt it (Score:5, Funny)

    by The Bungi ( 221687 ) <thebungi@gmail.com> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:38PM (#5063138) Homepage
    Iraq has no diplomatic relations with Nigeria.
  • by RobertTaylor ( 444958 ) <roberttaylor1234@NoSpAM.gmail.com> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:38PM (#5063139) Homepage Journal
    "shows the U.S. military trying hard to get every soldier online, all the time."

    Do they really need to be playing CounterStrike in the gulf *war*?
  • by LittleLebowskiUrbanA ( 619114 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:40PM (#5063152) Homepage Journal
    Try sharing 256K over an encrypted up and down link through microwave radios to satellite throughout your 100+ user network. Don't forget the Marine Corps only uses NT 4.0 servers and Internet Explorer. Then watch some idiots who claim they NEED their LAN drops install AIM and Kazaa and forward a money making scheme from "Bill Gates" to your whole network and kick your Exchange server's ass in the process.
    Then fantasize about your Linux boxes at home as you try to salvage some idiot officer's "important files" from his Outlook virus infested brand new Dell laptop that he didn't deserve and no one loaded Norton on since he took it home every night and "was too busy" to let some enlisted IT guy fix w/ our standard program load.
    Can you tell I'm not looking forward to deploying?
  • by Khopesh ( 112447 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:47PM (#5063171) Homepage Journal
    rather near the border of cuba, america has radio brodcasts of pro-america (capitalism, democracy, etc) and anti-castro (cuba, communist, socialist, etc) propoganda including all sorts of subversive songs and talk, all illegal to broadcast in cuba. the stations are rather popular, too.
    • I just would like to quote from a classic, "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo:
      One day he heard a criminal case, which was in preparation and on the point of trial, discussed in a drawing-room. A wretched man, being at the end of his resources, had coined counterfeit money, out of love for a woman, and for the child which he had had by her. Counterfeiting was still punishable with death at that epoch. The woman had been arrested in the act of passing the first false piece made by the man. She was held, but there were no proofs except against her. She alone could accuse her lover, and destroy him by her confession. She denied; they insisted. She persisted in her denial. Thereupon an idea occurred to the attorney for the crown. He invented an infidelity on the part of the lover, and succeeded, by means of fragments of letters cunningly presented, in persuading the unfortunate woman that she had a rival, and that the man was deceiving her. Thereupon, exasperated by jealousy, she denounced her lover, confessed all, proved all.
      The man was ruined. He was shortly to be tried at Aix with his accomplice. They were relating the matter, and each one was expressing enthusiasm over the cleverness of the magistrate. By bringing jealousy into play, he had caused the truth to burst forth in wrath, he had educed the justice of revenge. The Bishop listened to all this in silence. When they had finished, he inquired,--
      "Where are this man and woman to be tried?"
      "At the Court of Assizes."
      He went on, "And where will the advocate of the crown be tried?"
  • by Scalli0n ( 631648 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:47PM (#5063172) Homepage
    What I think really happened was a 12 year old kid hacked the Pentagon computers again and wanted to use all that technology to make some money, BUT at the same time, be patriotic. So what'd he do? Spam. He's getting 5 cents a click on the "Defect to USA" and "Fuck Saddam" pages AND he's dicking with Iraq.

    (FwooshSpinSpinSpinGargle) -- the sound of my karma as I click the Submit button)
  • by Ratso Baggins ( 516757 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:52PM (#5063189) Homepage
    Spam is used to market items which are dubious to say the least. I guess GW's personal Jihad against Sudam Husux is looking more and more fickle each second....

  • by ekephart ( 256467 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:52PM (#5063190) Homepage
    I get spam from the military all the time. Ever since they got a list of names in high school I receive emails and snail mail letters encouraging me to "Join the ROTC", "Get Money for College", etc. Now that I'm graduating I get "Become an Officer in the US Military" letters. I guess if marketing is aggressive enough they won't have to bring back the draft.

  • "This story about the growing military network bandwidth crunch..."

    So slashdoting their servers earlier just might not have been such a good idea...
  • Seems unlikely (Score:2, Interesting)

    by moz25 ( 262020 )
    So they expect Iraqis to take emails seriously of which they cannot verify the source to take action that could cost the lives of themselves and their families. To my understanding, paranoia is very common in Iraq and it's assumed that everybody spies on everybody. Upon receipt of such an email, the likely assumption would be that it came from the government in an attempt to weed out potential defectors.

    It's a nice idea, but it again shows a poor understanding of the local situation by the West and most likely little consideration for the lives of exactly those insider people willing to oppose the regime.

    • Because, of course, you're the only person with the insight to have figured this out. The Army alone has whole Groups dedicated to researching, developing, and implementing exactly these kinds of tactics. Conveniently, the Army also has a reasonably effective aptitude test which they use to guide recruits into roles for which they are inherently well-qualified. Assuming that you're just as qualified to practice psychological warfare as a Psychological Operations Specialist, all that means is that every PsyOp specialist and officer in the Army has also identified the problem you just mentioned.

      Special bonus tip: I served in a PsyOp battalion for six years. I've seen the manuals. This problem is accounted for. It, and hundreds of other problems, are documented, evaluated, and proceduralized as during the initial planning stages of any PsyOp mission.

      Extra special bonus tip: The real goal of missions like this is to decrease morale and undermine the enemy commander's ability to trust his troops. A secondary goal is to increase the probability that an enemy soldier will defect or desert if given a reasonable opportunity. Are these emails intended to be a reasonable opportunity? Probably not. They're simply classic FUD.

      Current military PsyOp doctrine begins with Sun Tzu's premise that victory is best achieved in the mind of the enemy before the fighting even begins. It also proposes that demoralized troops fight less and surrender more. This reduces the death toll on your own army and the enemy army. It also shortens the duration and cost of the conflict. It's a classic tactic, dating back at least as far as Alexander the Great. Sadly, its value is too little understood these days (obviously).

  • by Gizzmonic ( 412910 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @03:57PM (#5063215) Homepage Journal
    what the hell else will keep out there in trenches? ask any ww2 vet, and he'll tell ya. spam was a major part of the lend/lease program, so you brits should know about that too.
  • ...shows the U.S. military trying hard to get every soldier online, all the time.

    Playing SOCOM, no doubt ;)
  • by core plexus ( 599119 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @04:11PM (#5063251) Homepage
    According to CNN: The official says "this is just the beginning of a psychological warfare campaign" to convince the Iraqi leadership they cannot win a war against the United States and its allies." " The disguised e-mails, being sent to key Iraqi leaders, urge them to give up, to dissent and to defect. If they do not, the messages warn, the United States will go to war against them. The U.S. military and intelligence officials were apparently hoping that the Iraqis do not realize where the e-mails are coming from. "

    Ohhh, they must really be quaking, all that scary spam. Ohhhh.

    C'mon! Send them some pr0n or something, a virus or trojan, even some Rap! Also, how stupid do the planners of this brilliant campaign Iraqi scientists are? Sheesh. I'd love to see the 'click-thru' rate on that one.

    Computer geek peddles bootleg porn from city hall [xnewswire.com]

  • Although I'm sure Saddam probably isn't happy about all this, and while some pro-saddam internet users might get annoyed I don't really mind it to much if I get really original Spam, such as a Spam I got for Modifindel, the drug that supposedly lets you stay up for a week with no ill effects

    There is one difference, though. This stuff isn't commercial
  • the usual suspects (Score:3, Interesting)

    by kraksmoka ( 561333 ) <grant@nOSpam.grantstern.com> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @04:17PM (#5063270) Homepage Journal
    if you're interested in what turns technology will take in the next 20 years concerning the net, wireless and broadband, just watch the military over the next 5 years. their ideas will, as always, filter down to the public in this country.

    lets hope they get their systems all in order.

    i've heard and read so many nightmare scenarios about each part of each branch using some old incompatible box to store important data with the mil spec version of George Jetson sitting around, paid to click three buttons a day on machines so old nobody else can operate them.

    • by cgleba ( 521624 )
      > if you're interested in what turns technology
      > will take in the next 20 years concerning the
      > net, wireless and broadband, just watch the
      > military over the next 5 years. their ideas will,
      > as always, filter down to the public in this
      > country.

      Wrong. Ever since the miltary decided to cut costs and run itself like a business it has been following the tech sector, not leading it. With the exception of encryption and satellite, all the equipment is off-the-shelf and developed by the private sector five years ago.
      • good point

        to clarify, i'm speaking more about their massive deployment of mobility along with connectivity. so no, not the tech stuff itsself, we got it already, but the way they do it. think what it means to ups employees, office buildings, government beaurocracies. what it means to efficiency of these things too.

        can anyone name a larger institution, company, government, etc. that is attempting to become 100% mobile and networked?

  • 2003-01-11 14:38:37 SPAM, paid for by your tax dollars. (articles,news) (rejected)
    Yup, reject my article, then accept the same on 30 minutes later...
    • "Internet Explorer" (Score:3, Informative)

      by Scoria ( 264473 )
      Perhaps the phrase "Internet Explorer" provided sufficient encouragement for the editors. The referenced article, however, is entirely unrelated to that browser.
  • If the military is taking an interest in increasing bandwidth this could be a very good thing. of course, whatever solutions they come up with will be insanely expensive initially.
  • by AndroidCat ( 229562 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @04:47PM (#5063401) Homepage
    Now Iraq is going to strike back with suicide email bombers.
  • Hmmm..... (Score:3, Funny)

    by rjch ( 544288 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @05:02PM (#5063481) Homepage
    I personally would love to see this guy's [thespamletters.com] response to a message from the US government.
    (Someone has waaaaay too much time on their hands)
  • by aclarke ( 307017 ) <spam&clarke,ca> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @05:09PM (#5063511) Homepage
    From the article [businessweek.com]:
    Thanks to a system upgrade by defense contractor Lockheed Martin (LMT ), flyboys (and girls) could hop onto a special Air Force network from any PC equipped with a Web browser and special military encryption and authentication software. Once on this network, they could call for air strikes, direct reconaissance planes, or plot the movements of the most powerful flying force on Earth -- all from their laptop in a café (or, more likely, at a secured facility). "All you need is Internet Explorer," says Doug Barton, the director of technology for Lockheed Martin Mission Systems, based in Gaithersburg, Md.
    Man, that is really REALLY REALLY scary. Either that or it's just a massive honeypot for catching would-be "cyberterrorists" (oh how I hate that word). Seriously, for an organization who can't even protect their web servers, how the )(&#@)(% do they expect to secure the entire US military? ORDER MILITARY STRIKES OVER THE INTERNET? Geez...
  • since some major research companeis are rating MSIE as unsecure why is the US military using this broswer to depend on its soldiers in launching military strike missions?

    Imagine this:

    Hacker in Iraq reads acccess hacking information breeding grounds like l)pht.cm, 2600.com and etc than uses flasw in MSIE to prevent a timed US military strike on Iraq..

    Scary isn't it?

  • by Ryu2 ( 89645 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @05:31PM (#5063633) Homepage Journal
    I assume that the hardware/software necessary would fall under UN sanctions, which I assume have been in effect since the end of the first
    Persian Gulf War. This is pretty curious to me... where does Iraq hook up to the net -- what countries does it peer up with? What's their total bandwidth?

    Can private citizens even get on the Internet at all there?

  • by Goonie ( 8651 ) <<robert.merkel> <at> <benambra.org>> on Saturday January 11, 2003 @05:39PM (#5063671) Homepage
    Whilst the technology changes, using propaganda to sap the enemy's will to fight is as old as warfare itself. A famous (though largely unsuccessful, apparently) attempt at such was Tokyo Rose [fbi.gov], one of many female broadcasters on radio Tokyo during World War II who mixed American music with propaganda.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday January 11, 2003 @06:08PM (#5063821)
    CNN learned about the operation Friday afternoon, and was initially asked not to report on it by senior Bush administration officials. Those officials later decided the information could be released.

    Remember, way back in the 70s, this person called Deep Throat that blew the lid off of the Watergate scandal? Whatever happened to hearing information from a reliable source, then actually REPORTING that information without first consulting the government? How about the press being an independant journalistic adventure, instead of some guy pulling stuff off a news wire that's all pre-approved by the government? What about jounalists who actually investigate stories instead spewing back the same BS they heard 10 minutes before? The press here today is no better then that of the so called "restrictive nations" like many Mid East nations, where all news comes from the government approved facilities. If this is how the entire world is going to turn to, then bring on WW3 so we can start rebuilding a better society.

    • Not the same thing (Score:3, Insightful)

      by dangermouse ( 2242 )
      Watergate involved a betrayal of the public trust by an elected official. The press served the people by revealing the full extent and circumstances of that betrayal.

      Here, our country is on the brink of war with another nation. The press served the people by ensuring that they were not releasing information that compromised a military operation. They were free to print what they knew, but chose not to do so of their own volition. There was no oppression here.

      Both situations involve responsible behavior on the part of the press.

  • by nathanh ( 1214 ) on Saturday January 11, 2003 @07:41PM (#5064267) Homepage

    I can just imagine how that will turn out...

    Private: Sarge! We're pinned down by Jerry's on all sides. We're almost out of ammo. We have no medical kits and Private Wilkins is bleeding to death. What do we do!?!

    Sarge: We're pulling out. Private Booths, send an instant message to HQ asking for a chopper liftout.

    Private: Uhhh, I can't do that Sarge. The PDA is jammed up with these messages for enlarging your penis.

    Sarge: Enlarged penis, you say? Must be a new battle technique. Right, men! Everybody flop out your penis and enlarge them. That'll get the Jerry's running scared.

This screen intentionally left blank.