I have been taking zolipidem since it was released by the FDA a zillion years ago, to treat chronic insomnia secondary to my chronic depression. Because my depression is treated with the S*RIs class anti-depressants and they (psychopharmicologists) believe seratonin plays a role in depression and sleep, the doctors have had me on sleep aides from the start to treat my really over the top insomnia. I didn't respond to normal dosage of sleep aides either, which fits my treatment resistent diagnosis.

I never had any behavioral problems with addiction, beyond the normal rebound insomnia which is no worse than my normal insomnia. They just kept putting me back on zolipidem because without it I don't sleep. We tried barbituates which worked but were more controled and really addictive, I built up tolerance to them and they can kill you if you mix them with a lot of other drugs accidentally. So since sleep deprivation kills you eventually too I've been waiting for Ambien (this may be the last time I have to use that brand name!) to finally go generic.

It did!! Yay!! Sanofi-Aventis managed to manipulate the loopholes of the FDA's patent law (see the second paragraph at the top of the article ) for long enough to keep my copays sky high on this, but I got my first batch of generics to go through my Rx insurance! I have no problem with capitalizing off invention, but the pharmacologists that discovered the drug saw very little of that profit, and that greedy company milked a useful drug for longer than most drugs get by, because they found smarter lawyers. I suppose that is their perogative and if their management can sleep at night with golden parachutes to fall back on and million dollar bonuses while patients who needed the drug didn't get it--more power to them...er not, shame on them.


Anyway, back to my moment of glee ~does a jig~ Whatever generic my pharmacist chose, it is a purple pill!!! Bonus, purple is a favorite color!!! (Why yes, yes, I am a cheap date--I don't drink though I might like 1 sip of yours which will give me a buzz, and am very easily impressed and amused.) ~grin~ I was having a really sh*tty evening and now its only mildly sh*tty because of the color of a pill!

Be thankful for small blessings. ~pf

a prayer to my Angel for serenity

my Angel i ask Thee, lend me:

invisible arms to carry me
through the darkness of each lonesome night,
gently wiping away the tears of earthly weariness.
embracing me until the trembling of emptiness ceases.

invisible hands that delicately place me
upon a bed dressed in linens soft and cozy.
woven from silk spun from webs made of stars,
so far away from this forlorn world's ache.

invisible fingers that stroke my hair
in time to placid lullabies of angels i cannot hear yet,
steadily silencing the screaming in my soul for peace.
until my mind takes me to where madness fails to endure.


[tears.not.invisible.flow.freely; i.fall.upon.the.ground]


nay, my Angel, for my spirit is too weak;
my mortal soul regrettably impatient.
with shame i beseech Thee, upon my knees,
for tonight only allow me to cease to exist.

Amen.

© paperflowers 2006

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if i have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~Buddha

Wisdom from one confident enough in his advice that he can tell us to disregard his own words under certain conditions. I am in awe.


Speaking of wisdom. How I need it. The doctors, three of them, want me to take horomones that have exacerberated my depression terribly all four times tried in the past. They look at me, smile, tell me this is a new kind, it "might" be different, I "only have to try it for 3 months" to know if works. Only 3 months of meds that have four times taken me down the spiral of despair?

The clock ticks, if I start I have to start tonight before I sleep. If I don't, I have to stand up for my decision to not do it at all or to put it off another month.

That quote. My own reason, my common sense...everything I believe in, all the science I've studied tells me not to take these meds. Despite the fact that 3 doctors agree I should. They've never lived in my head. I would really like to sit at the feet of Budda and learn tonight, but I think he already gave me the advice I need on this one--I just need the courage. Time with a friend would be nice though.

Disclaimer: Linked site may be NSFW due to some artistic content. You have been warned.

Oh wow. I'm too poor to get this cool stuff. Plus I find that material attachment is fleeting and ends up adding to my stress load in the long term if I don't use the 6 month rule. Still, I have to show someone these nifty items that are giving me consumeritis this eve!

The site is http://shanalogic.com/ and I have no idea how I found it. Someone's website advertising is working though, it caught my attention. First and foremost, I adore this ring. True to its name, it reminds me of my youth and the fact that I refuse to completely grow up. Legos will always be a required part of my diet, and how creative that some artistic person put one on a ring with a diamond. Perfect romantic fodder for a guy lucky enough to have a gf that stays young at heart, I think! Makes a terribly romantic gift for V-day if things are getting a bit serious. ~swoon~

Okay, okay, my feet are back on planet Earth. Something else to wear but not as pricey, these stripey arm warmers look so comfy. Agreed, its the wrong time of year to think about warm clothes, but the office I coded in was always so cold. There are a variety of colors and some other cute patterns too of these that would have been great for having at work, the occasional Evanescence concert garb and winter too. I never could type in gloves, so these would be sweet for office layering.

In the "I know someone who I'd like to send these to, but I won't" department I found these awesome fill-in-the-blank thank you cards. I really don't like to be tacky, but its really getting old to send gifts to people and never even hear back from them to know if they received them. Normally I track them with UPS or something, but it takes a whole 30 seconds to type the word thanks and click send on an email. These are cute and funny, something my sister would fill out, self-address and stamp the envelope and include with a gift she sends so the person just has to sign it. I'm not that assertive yet.

Finally, in the art section they have this Boot Disc which is very camp, but pricey for someone with negative income like me. I'm not one to steal ideas, but piggy backing is a form of creativity. I'm thinking I might ask my dad who does woodwork as a hobby to make me the backing and teach me to stain it. Then I can get out the glue gun and stick an actual boot disc to it. (I have so many to choose from!) It will be my own, I won't capitalize off the idea. Home made cheesy art that saves having to find a recycle bin for one less floppy might be fun. Its a good way to express old Win 3.0 anger. Gosh I even have several boot/root disc pairs from very old Slackware installs I could put up next to it! Oops, so sorry, off on a tangent, my bad.

Hope you enjoyed the site. If so, reply with other cool sites that I can e-window-shop, please.

hope~beat

there are colors you will never see
lest your spirit be shroud in grey.
and melodies you may only hear
once your hope~beat fades away.

you'll feel sympathies for enemies
if you're a prisoner to your mind.
you might dare believe in angels
with serenity impossible to find.


© 2006 paperflowers


[this is my work so I took the liberty
of coining my own term.

hope~beat: that which distinguishes the
medical/legal definition of being alive
from actual living; for instance you can
walk this earth for years, breathing, your
heart beating, but without a hope~beat i
do not believe you are truly living. ~pf]

betrayal

your blade honed precisely out of lies
fashioned perfectly by your words of deceipt
cold metal chilly with selfishness
its killing edge sharpened deadly by broken promises made over and over
the curve of the blade perfect like the false picture you painted my mind and heart of your intentions
a weapon that only you could wield against me

shocking lies unravel as you drive that weapon into my chest
supine pain, surreal and in slow motion
the blade sinks so easily into my creamy white innocent naive skin
yet, before the tears stinging my eyes distort my view entirely I discern one last scene
the perspective allows me to percieve you as you truely are:
my love, before me with a blade of betrayal penetrating my heart
your face expressionless, unfamiliar

my mind and body begin to fail except for the warmth of my blood upon my skin
the catalyst that stirs me to closure
reaching up I wrap my hand around yours, entwining our fingers over the handle
a pathetic, final grasp at your touch
a desperate gesture of affection for one I loved so.
perhaps your allowance of my touch a lover's solitary final gift
and so, together, consummate, we drive the blade to its hilt
incapacitated, i fall alone
into the empty silence of betrayal
a realm where not even my screams or sobs echo
within the vacuum of love forever vanished

© paperflowers 9.19.05

One of my favorite bands wrote a song about us, "babe". It may be cliche and a rather generic story. "Honesty is huge with me." That was one of the first things you said to me, and it stains the pages of my heart. You were ready to let me take your name, without me knowing that you'd deceived me from that line on. Did you think I'd never find out you had kids and an ex? You really did a job on me if you had me loving someone that thinks a child is baggage to be hidden from a relationship--then played as a "don't leave me in front of the kids you didn't know I had" card.

I doubt you'll happen to read this, but if you do: I hope you can untangle the mess in your mind from all those lies. I finally did, I forgave you and I hope your kids are ok and understand I didn't leave them--just their jacka$$ of a father. So this song, however familiar its story may be, really hit the nail on the head rather well for me:

Lie To Me
~12 Stones

Our candle burns away, the ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Why'd you have to up and run away?
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you
Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?


I hope it was worth me leaving every possession we shared, all that money you knew I couldn't afford to just give you because of my medical bills, and my broken heart because you introduced me to two beautiful kids that knew more about me and called me mommy already. Thats a pretty low thing to do, introduce new variables into an equation that complicate it to that kind of degree. Breaking off a relationship with someone you love is hard enough, but no one ever taught me how to explain it to little kids. And the tragic irony is--I wouldn't have left because you had kids, but I had to leave because you'd lied to me about them from the start and how would I trust you again. Do you even know what that does to someone who's biggest dream was to be a mother!?! Children are not secrets or something to be ashamed of. Shame on you. Bastard. ~pf

At the premiere of this series at AX one year, the English translation of the title was being called Earth Girl, Arjuna. I don't have my DVDs with me, but I think they scrapped that title and just called it Arjuna.

Its a quick watch, 4 discs with a total of 325 minutes. I think there are 13 episodes total. Its cheaper to buy Arjuna - The Complete Collection , then to get each disc separately, at least as I've looked around, thats been the case. Or put them in your Netflix queue. Its getting harder to find though. It came out in 2004, so they must have quit printing it.

Arjuna's soundtrack features the lovely Yoko Kanno's vocal and musical work and Shoji Kawamori, of Escaflowne fame directs.

The plot starts out a bit fantastic and a few episodes are a little convoluted, though nothing on the order of Eva. The further into the series you get, the more things fall into place, and by the end its an intelligent, eye-opening, animation with an element of supernatural powers and a twinkle of romance. The stories are about maintaining balance in life and nature. It made me think, but not so hard my head hurt, like after Evangelion. And it has and ending too. The OT/CT are a bit weird, but thats anime for you.

If you're not a big fan of subs, the dub on this was actually really decent. I'm an anime "purist" but I watched both the sub and dub and thought nothing was lost.

Al Gore may be a little mad that this "take care of your earth" series came out before his and is more interesting. YMMV. I'm a sucker for a Kanno/Kawamori series. Some people really didn't care for this, but I don't always listen to critics. I gave it a chance because the soundtrack and director were familiar and I'm glad to have done so.

Coming up soon...I'll attempt to review some Witch Hunter Robin if I continue to have a tiny bit of ego.

I am exhausted. I cannot remember being this tired ever before, except carrying my luggage from the Jeep to my room. The semantics of "a weekend vacation" must temporarily not be applied in my life. Not with a broken foot, a disc injury in the lower back and massive lack of energy due to TRD. I didn't even factor in the meds and what the withdraw did to me or the altitude sickness. Haha. Maybe possibly maybe, I'm just getting old, at 33.8??

In any case, I am and was exhausted by the 500+ mile drive to Denver. I feel horrible, my sister bought tickets to Wicked 6 months ago and got really nice seats too for the entire family. I was in so much pain from my foot and back by intermission that I took a soma and vicadin on an empty stomach. (haven't been taking those for 3 months!) I took them because my foot hurt bad enough that my eyes were tearing up, and my back was spasming. Well, it solved the problem. Except we had our back to the middle wall near the front. So I just leaned back with my eyes open and passed out. (In college I taught myself to sleep with my eyes open because we had a 8am calc class you couldn't miss a single day of). So I slept through Act two of Wicked. ~cry~. Which I really wanted to see. I woke up at curtain call. Bummer. My body can only handle so much at once.

Then my Sister and Her Hubby want to go eat somwhere with alcohol, so we end up at an Irish pub called The Squealing Pig in Cherry Creek. I order a huge glass of sugary sprite hoping it'll wake me up and a samich. My sister order a "car bomb" and a pastie, her hubbie orders samich of somekind and a guinness, my mom orders a guinness and shepard's pie and my dad orders fish and chips and ice water with something? Grouse Scotch, neat. while I sit wondering who's driving home. But everyone sampled the scotch except me, I've had it and frankly its overrated. I don't think I should drive seeing as how its only beein 6 hours since I took the vicadin and soma.

However, my sister, her hubby, my Dad and Mom cannot drive safely in Denver traffic, particularly in Cherry Creek or on interestates or face it ANYWHERE. My mom is scared, my dad is type-A and I'm about ready to get out and call a cab.

Dad wins, drives, I navigate him back to the hotel. Everyone but Joyce and Lyle go to sleep. J and L go to either Ruby Tuesday's or Texas Roadhouse and drink more. I try to sleep, but anxiety about my broken a/c in my condo keeps me up along with pain in my broken foot. I call the front desk, like the 5 signs around the room suggest doing if theres anything they might be able to do to help make my stay more comfortable. An angry voice answers and says what do you want. I tentatively say, well the literature in the room said to call the front desk to see if you had something to make me more comfortable. (its 2:30am) I explain my foot is broken and I 'm trying to ice it, but the ice bags the put in the ice contairs are tiny and leak. I wondered if perhaps since the hotel serves breakfast, maybe they had some ziplock bags in the kitchen. (I've seen them, they keep the muffins and bagels in them)

But the angry lady tells me, no, we don't have stuff like that. she then says "do I look like a wallgreens to you?" sounding almost in tears. That makes me feel terrible like I made her cry. So I immediately apologize and tell her, I'm sorry, i was just going by the signs around the room that say to ask if there's anything "we, at the front desk can do to make your stay with us more comfortable." She tells me the vending machine has tylenol or alkaseltzer, but the comfort products are like toothbrushes, razors and make up removers. She recommends going to the ER at Aurora South if I'm in pain, as she is not a doctor. ~sigh~.

This supports my point in the article about women in IT last week or so. Where the women at the job fairs would admit to me they hated IT work but it was where the money was so they did it anyway. This woman at the hotel obviously hates her job, but keeps it because she needs the money. So she perfoms poorly, upsets others working around her and pisses off the guests. Maybe she should go into Crime scene cleanup. Yes, its not for the weak stomached, but you work hours of your choice, answere to no one, and if you stomach it, it pays well. Even if she's miserable in general, not just at her job, I don' think the corpses will care. (sorry, I'm tired and crass) Crime scene cleanup, for those who can handle it, is a lucrative career--often recommended to those who have trouble with schedules and people skills.

so much for a "restful weekend vacation." the A/C in my condo went out and I spent almost half a day while a kind gentleman installed a new one for me on a holiday weekend. i offered him everything to drink in my fridge except the alcohol and the carton of milk thats been there for 5+ years (going to be used in a practical joke or turned in at the next Aurora chemical and dangerous household items amnesty day, whichever comes first. Before you think I'm gross and evil. Some evil person put a BK Whopper in my glove box hiden at the back and I didn't find it for 2 years. So this food "war" (war seems like a strong term for it....) started a long time ago.

On my "weekend vacation":

• I fell asleep during act 2 of Wicked
• I found an Artoo UPSP mailbox! and had my pic taken with it!! yay.
• Saw my bestfriend and her beautiful family of 3 little girls all with different, intelligent and positive personality, that she can take credit for, along with her husband. what a woman! living my dream to be a mom vicariously for me, because I can't. isn't that sweet of her.
• Spent almost $4k to get a new A/C unit installed over a holiday weekend to save my record and laserdisc collection, along with some other art work in my condo. Ouch! hurts to spend what you don't have! =(
• NM and CO are greener than usual for this time of year. Global warming is to blame.
• Had 20 min free time and went to Best Buy and they didn't have the BRR Bjork Lullaby Renditions. ~cry~ Maybe next time. Bjork is a very imporant musician and person to me. Her style is everything I want mine to be!
• Saw a new hardback from some guy who really doesn't like Ann Coulter. The cover is over her in some really skanky position. The back is pictures of her with some of her best quotes, one is something about women not deserving to vote and remaining submissive. The book was $40. I almost bought it, not to read, but to take the book jacket off of and hang up for when I need a good laugh. Sorry, I'm no hater, but she's hated plenty of people I like. She's gone after the poor, those that don't want highschool students carrying concealed weapons on campus, supporters of women's sufferage, and a whole lot of other non extremeist open-minded intelligent people I respect. The cover would be good for my depression. It makes me laugh. On a color copier that skanky picture of her could be blown up and made into a nice target for a dart board. She does have nice legs and intriguing lips, if she'd shut that mouth!

~falls into bed with crisp cool clean sheets for undetermined amount of time~


"if you could see the you that i see when i see you see me, you'd see yourself quite differently believe me."

~Henry Rollins

Some very kind soul gave me a subscription to /. anonymously. That makes the giving twice as selfless on their behalf. It complicates my ability to thank them though!

I am very appreciative to the thoughtful person that did this for me! I look forward to making use of the gift.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde

Major Plot SPOILERS for Donnie Darko you have been warned.

I seem to be the only one I've met that finds the movie Donnie Darko not disturbing. In fact, I found parts of it incredibly insightful, comforting and heartwarming.

My friends, those of my age and younger/older look at me as if I'm a lost cause when I tell them this. I first watched the film with my father, because so many people warned me that I was so sensitive due to my severe depression that it would upset me too much.

But, one night my dad and I rented it and watched it. He was very disturbed by it and won't even talk about it. When I make reference to Frank and try to explain why I find it comforting my father asks me to stop discussing it. His body language, tone and countenance clearly show he means it too. Its about the same with most people I talk to, unless they are inebriated or high.

Perhaps I only catch that point of view because my mood disorder is severe. I never hallucinated, however I sympathize a lot with Donnie in other ways. He sees so much more than the superficial crap going on around him and it begins to eat at his soul. My depression has done that to me. Donnie gets the chance, through the wormhole and a whole long series of events to turn a messy convulted tragedy into a smaller tragedy, and leaves the earth hopeful.

Hollywood will tell you the last 10 minutes of a movie has the greatest impact on what you remember of the movie. So I think thats why so many people leave that film with a negative feeling. The song at the end, a slow moody remix of the more industrial original dance version by Tears for Fears of Mad World really drags down the mood too.

I suppose we see what we want to see. For me, it was a film with hope and comfort. My eyes though, my mind, can find light in the darkest caves, and beauty in most ugliness. But like Donnie, I can just no longer see through superficiality and apathetically push it to the back of my brain.

Take care /.'ers. If you travel, stay safe.

XOXO, ~pf

tool [PG-13:L]

you're just a f*king phony
a trickster fake upon your throne
biding time and spinning lines
you preach feelings you don't own

you deceive without a second drift
venom oozing through your mind
you never even searched your soul
afraid of demons you might find

© 2007 paperflowers

• Media.
• Lying, Flip-flopping Politicians.
• People who will do anything to get on TV.
• Paris Hilton getting out of half her jail sentence.
• Cheryl Crow actually expects people to use ONE square to wipe their bums--isn't that asking for an ecoli breakout?(Cheryl you're a great musician, but stick to your day job.) One square is gross.
• NM's top News Station has a started a Fugitive of the Week. My family and I speculated on this, does the fugitive get $100 off at the prison store and the shank of his choice if caught?)
• Comedian's monologues that joke about what are really not that funny of humanitarian tragedies anymore...

{see following entry for poem which is PG-13 for languge}

If you want a twist on some old and maybe even new favorites, Michael Armstrong is using percussion to create a lullaby sound that is anything but tired to me. A friend with an ear to whats new and unique in the world of music turned me on to Baby Rock Record's Lullaby Renditions of Tool several months ago with a sample of the mellow chimey drug Opiate .

Since hearing that percussive treat, I've indulged in more of their albums than I want to admit. While the initial releases seemed to cater to a few harder genres, when I saw that The Eagles and No Doubt were in the queue to be released in this new format, I wasn't too surprised. Mr. Armstrong and the folks at BRR have been sweetly unpredictable with these lullaby albums that are toddler safe, but appealing to other ages too.

Of course, I found that for my tastes some of the artists work made the transformation exceptionally well, including Tool, The Cure and Metallica. I haven't heard it all yet though and YMMV--in fact I hope so. Some of my friends listen to this to relax, others prefer it to the lyrical versions for listening to while working. Very few have let their toddlers keep it even though that was the intended gift recipient.