WannaBeGeekGirl's Journal: survival by expression: Paper's Torn Pages [PG-13]

One of my favorite bands wrote a song about us, "babe". It may be cliche and a rather generic story. "Honesty is huge with me." That was one of the first things you said to me, and it stains the pages of my heart. You were ready to let me take your name, without me knowing that you'd deceived me from that line on. Did you think I'd never find out you had kids and an ex? You really did a job on me if you had me loving someone that thinks a child is baggage to be hidden from a relationship--then played as a "don't leave me in front of the kids you didn't know I had" card.

I doubt you'll happen to read this, but if you do: I hope you can untangle the mess in your mind from all those lies. I finally did, I forgave you and I hope your kids are ok and understand I didn't leave them--just their jacka$$ of a father. So this song, however familiar its story may be, really hit the nail on the head rather well for me:

Lie To Me
~12 Stones

Our candle burns away, the ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Why'd you have to up and run away?
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you
Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?


I hope it was worth me leaving every possession we shared, all that money you knew I couldn't afford to just give you because of my medical bills, and my broken heart because you introduced me to two beautiful kids that knew more about me and called me mommy already. Thats a pretty low thing to do, introduce new variables into an equation that complicate it to that kind of degree. Breaking off a relationship with someone you love is hard enough, but no one ever taught me how to explain it to little kids. And the tragic irony is--I wouldn't have left because you had kids, but I had to leave because you'd lied to me about them from the start and how would I trust you again. Do you even know what that does to someone who's biggest dream was to be a mother!?! Children are not secrets or something to be ashamed of. Shame on you. Bastard. ~pf

survival by expression: Paper's Torn Pages II

[WannaBeGeekGirl]

goodnight

i like the sheets cold, even in the winter
you used to make me get in bed first
to warm up your side before you'd dare get in
because you were such a weenie about the cold
now I just sleep in the middle

if you were here you'd just hog the covers
end up rolling onto your back
that always made you snore, rascal
I'd hear you and half-way wake up
then do that thing I do to make you roll back over
where I tell you I want to rub your back
it worked everytime even though
we both fell back asleep befo

Very good

[johndiii]

We excavate the ordinary to build our dreams. But sometimes it becomes archeology. :-( Rooting around amongst the long dead. Trying to understand how to go on living.

Peace and healing.

Heart ripped out...

[johndiii]

Or at least that's how it feels. To find out that someone you love is not who you thought they were. I can't claim perfection, but I am going to be the best possible person that I can be in the future. I don't know if that will be enough, but I sure am going to try. Being honest has led me to some interesting places - not all of them wanted - but I would not now trade anything for where I am today.

I picked out this poem [slashdot.org] at about the same time that you wrote that journal entry, sitting in Starbucks. Wri