He Writes Back 192
Paul writes: "This guy actually replies to the spam he gets. Read some of the replies and you'll love this guy's wit. I love the one about the peroxide myself. The favorites, top 20, and "My Buddy Kutty" sections are good places to start."
i replied to spam once (Score:2, Informative)
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:2)
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:3, Funny)
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:1)
Or at least I wish that was the case. Ugh.
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:2, Interesting)
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:2, Funny)
Real sorry about that. The worst part is I actually previewed my post.
(No that's not true. The worst part is that I actually work as a newspaper editor, but that would be too embarrasing to admit.)
Re:i replied to spam once (Score:2, Informative)
Sad...
Regards
4 comments and it is already /.ed (Score:4, Funny)
How many is too many, 5?
That was quick.... (Score:4, Funny)
another one (Score:5, Funny)
Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002
Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?
Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!
SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.
No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.
Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.
There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747
yet another (Score:3, Informative)
Re:yet another (Score:1, Funny)
Those were Old Milwaukee ads. (Not that Old Mil tastes any worse than AB's Budweiser. Try Victory Prima Pils for a good pilsener).
Here's another - "How do you capture ..." (Score:3, Informative)
We have spent many painstaking hours trying to capture the pride of the American spirit since the 9-11-01 tragedy that struck the WTC. While watching the news we noticed how the American Spirit unites in these times of pain and loss.
This is why we present to you the 9-11 Commemorative Mouse Pads and T-Shirts.
I haven't seen t-shirts demonstrating this sort of artistry and tactical business savvy since the OJ Simpson trial!
Well, God Bless America, and it is the Land of Opportunity and all that jazz, but I have one small suggestion I'd like to make about your merchandise. A lot of people might be hesitant to purchase 9/11-oriented products if they don't at least say that a portion of the proceeds will go to charity.
If you're going to capitalize, you've got to do it right, and I can help you!
I just so happens that I established the "Heroic Tribute To Heroic American Heros Fund" before you could say "Look, the second tower fell!" On the paperwork I claim that it's for some brave act to be performed in honor of the fallen (whatever that means), but it's really intended to put the "F" "U" back in "fund"! There are enough legit organizations out there anyway, and there's way too much cash being donated than is needed for these folks who claim to be "affected" by this tragedy.
So if we can work out an arrangement where you throw in a portion of your proceeds to my fund (say 5%), It'll also make would-be customers think you're on the level, and not the cashing-in sort of hack your advertisement and website make you out to be. Your sales will skyrocket, making your investment in me worth it!
Trust me, this is a golden opportunity. Are you in or are you going to be selling these t-shirts for a buck a pop along with those "Y2K - The World Blew Up And All The Cockroaches Found Was This Lousy T-shirt!" t-shirts?
I'm looking forward to doing business with you,
Jonathan Land
Re:That was quick.... (Score:3, Funny)
Funny you should mention that as a reply to me. Here's a story I submitted recently:
2002-02-27 21:47:57 The SPAMdot Effect (articles,news) (rejected)
After a spam telling me how to increase traffic to my site, slashdot.org, I figured that the best way to show them what kind of traffic Slashdot already gets would be to slashdot them! Oh well, guess the editors didn't agree....
Why? (Score:1)
First off, 99% of the time they're using bogus return addresses, so it's not even possible to send a legitimate reply.
Second, wouldn't one assume that if you reply to a spam email, your address would be moved to the "confirmed active" list or something.... only to cause more spam?
A more constructive way of using your persuasive writing skills would be to email the spammers ISP and have the spammers shut down.
-kwishot
Re:Why? (Score:4, Insightful)
Re:Why? (Score:5, Funny)
hoping that it'll show up in their error logs. They're probably never read, but it's nice to vent.
Something like:
http://spammer.com/index.html.IDontWantAny
Re:Why? (Score:1)
Thanks...
Re:Why? (Score:5, Interesting)
http://spammer.com/<font color=Red size=+3>IDoNotWantToBuyYourLameProducts</fon t>
Then when they go and view their web log reports with a web-based reporting/analysis tool it stands out a little. You could probably be creative with javascript popups etc too..
Why not? (Score:2)
Re:Why? (Score:2)
First off, 99% of the time they're using bogus return addresses, so it's not even possible to send a legitimate reply.
You are right, 99% of the time it's a fake e-mail address, but 100% of the time they are trying sell you something, and because that they almost always give you a method to communicate with them. Most likely it's a web site. (Come to this web site to find out more).
It is then that I actually go to the web site and find as many e-mail addresses as possable (HR, Management, sales, support, webmaster, whatever), and I send them the spam back, with a nice note explaning that I will go home and prey that they get hit by a bus on the way home from work.
If I'm in a bad mood I might even write a script to send them the same e-mail thousands of times, each with a different e-mail address and different subject.
Marcel Duchamp would have a hard-on (Score:1)
Your (I'm sure unintentional) misspelling of the word "pray" gave that phrase more appropriate meaning than if you would've spelled it correctly! Very cool. Where's the Grammar Nazi when you finally get a chance to prove the uselessness of his anal-retentiveness...
Re:Why? (Score:1)
Re:Why? (Score:3, Funny)
Sure, I get lots of spam, but I was getting plenty before that anyway. I think I must be on every fucking mega email list out there.
Spam responding (Score:1)
All in all, witty or not, i think its pointless to respond to spam. Contact AntiSpam agencies and the spammers ISP instead.
what? (Score:2)
Another one... (Score:5, Funny)
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It's Fun, Safe, and Effective. and you don't even need a perscription.
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Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875 (Score:5, Funny)
To: pemed@wperfect.com
From: Joan Land <joan@incomplete.net>
Date: 11/14/2001
Amsco model "Full VAC" large steam and vacuum sterilizer for sale, $9,875. Features: 24 x 36 x 48" chamber
single door
circular strip chart recorder
new in 1977, under full maintenance until removal
automatic operation
self contained high volume vacuum pump
For full information. please see our website http://www.pemed.com and look under the "autoclave" section. Thank you for your time and attention. Mark Zirinsky
Production Engineering - Medical Equipment Division
Denver, Colorado USA
1-303-393-7800
1-303-393-1482 (fax)
markz@pemed.com
http://www.pemed.com
If you don't want our email, please let us know.
Fucking slashdotted already (Score:1)
Newest addition to his list... (Score:5, Funny)
Subject: Re: Re: Increase your hits!
Date: 03/23/2002
Dear Webmaster,
Have you heard about our wonderfull new marketing tool, the Slashdot Effect?
*snip*
I don't want more hits, already! You've given me enough! Fuck off!
Comment removed (Score:5, Informative)
Re:Google Cache (Score:1)
Re:Google Cache (Score:2)
You can browse within the cache at archive.org... Try this. [archive.org]
Re:Google Cache (Score:1)
Re:Google Cache (Score:2)
Could be fun..... (Score:1)
Fight fire with fire?? (Score:1, Insightful)
Job Application (Score:2, Funny)
---
Author's Note: Brilliant suggestions for this one were made by Kate Guttman. Subject: Re: Re: Re: job application
To: perumal perumal
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2001
At 12:36 PM +0000 2/20/01, perumal perumal wrote:
Dear Mr. Jonathan Land
Well received your e-mail tks noted. this my reply for your questions.
Question 1) your company professionalitic approch and adharence to latest technology, really attracted me. Also you are Quench to finout the real reasonce behind every event (happening) has made my options simple and easy.
Yes, we do pride ourselves in being ahead of the curve in everything from new technology to abstract stitching theory. There's no point in being professionalitic if you're keeping your behind in the times. Good eye, my boy!
Question 2) My professional qualifications in garment manufacturing technology and 4 long years of work experience incatering the neeeds of world renowmad brand's like Wal-Mart, Jc-Penney, Tommy Hilfiger,Total kidswear, Hudson Bay, etc., extensive connectings with leading spinning & knitting mills, leading quality manufacturing production units in India.
When you say "4 long years", I'm not sure what you mean. Are "long years" a different measurement on the Indian calendar? How many American years is one Indian long year? Are you guys on some sort of metric system there (10 days to a week, 10 weeks to a month, 10 months to a year)?
Question 3) As a loyal exployee have to be faithful to my employer, hence i will try my level best traceout the culprit. I will not revel my employer's instructions to anybody in the organisations or outside. It wil be kept as confidencial mater.
Question 4) " 1 " ( i don't want to be behind of anybody)
Well, then you should have said "10" because you will now be earning 1 dollar an hour. I'd like to point out that this is perfectly legal, and contractually binding, by the way.
Question 5) I would like to spend my timing for the young orphance who are denied the love and care of the parents.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????!!!!! How the fuck did you fucking find the fuck out that I'm a fucking orphan? FUCK!!! People around here think my bloodline is rich with both aristocracy and nobility. Your intense research into the company has crossed the line now that it's delved into my personal life.
Well here's the rest of the story... the part that they didn't publish in the papers. It was one of your people that took my parents away. It was a dark and stormy night back when I was only 7 years old. They took me down to the "Little India" part of New York City around 27th and Lexington to score some coke from Niketu Kothadia, one of the notorious leaders of the Indian Mafia Boyz, an outfit so well organized that they even have a website. Can you dig it? Here they are flaunting the success of their various businesses, each one more illegal than its predecessor, each one fronting a market blacker than the next: http://members.tripod.com/digitalbiz/chill.html
Anyway, Kothadia got a fresh batch of stuff in so of course, mommy and daddy had to try it... what wasn't known was that it was cut with pure yellow curry. I dropped my beanie and my large spiral lollypop on the floor looking at something shiny. By the time I adjusted my back brace into the upright position, I saw mommy and daddy foaming at the nose and mouth, it was a dark, dark yellow, darker than the most scorching urine or most dark yellowist of beers. Then the rebel forces barged in and shot everyone... except me.
Needless to say I'm scarred for life. When they do a news story on that new curry-alternative to mustard gas, I cringe. When I see a movie with Tim Curry, I gasp (but really, who doesn't). When I curry favor, I have a flashback that makes LSD look as effective as a food stamp.
I have a restraining order from every Indian restaurant in a 100 mile radius.
Are you happy now???? ARE YOU HAPPY? I'm an orphan... wooo!!!
Watch your back. If I ever catch up with you, I'm going to go all Bruce Wayne on your ass!
We're not hiring at this point in time, Nosy Nelly,
Jonathan Land
google cache (Score:1)
einsturzende neubauten renamed "fluffy bunnies" (Score:2)
*LOL* that was the first one I read. Where he wanted to buy steel for the band's instruments. Then the slashdot effect kicked in. oh well
Now keep in mind, MANY spammers don't know the full impact of what they are doing. They are simply small businesses who have been approached by spamming companies promising a "great way to reach customers". The businessman doesn't know much about the internet and figures that this is just like direct mail only cheaper. So occasionally this guy is messing with legit small businesses. Not that there's anything wrong with that..
I somehow was able to read another one... (Score:5, Funny)
---
Author's Note: Thanks to Jeff Hobbs for sharing his bounty. I know it's not spam, but misdirected email is good enough for me. All the comments and replies are from Jeff, I chime in as Bubs. Subject: A word about Jayson
To: Amos304@aol.com
From: Jeff Hobbs / Jonathan Land
Date: 05/19/2001
I've been getting misdirected email from this girl for a while:
> hey stranger. sorry it has taken me soooo long to write back. I have been a
> very very busy crazy woman. I did go out last week. and had a lot of fun.
> oh, by the way we're all going out next Saturday to celebrate my birthday,
> Stella's birthday, and Courtney's (nurse in family medicine) birthday. but
> mainly for my 30th. if you're not doing anything you're more than welcome to
> come on down. i'm having a slumber party at my house for those that can't
> drive home or that live too far away.
> How are you and your girlfriend getting along? is it any better? I sure
> hope so. you are such a sweet good looking guy. you shouldn't have problems
> like these already in life. Life is tooo short. Well my ex and i pretty
> much don't speak at all to one another any more. or should i say since
> easter. i don't know what his problem is. one minute he tells me we have to
> get along for emily's sake and we'll be friends. the next he's telling to
> get the hell out of the house and not come back. see, i still have a lot of
> stuff still at the house. because when i moved out he told me that it might
> be only for a short period and that way i wouldn't have so much to move back
> if we decided to get back together. well needless to say we decided not to
> get back together. which really i have never been happier. he just makes it
> tough for me because like i said one minute he says i can depend on him
> (which at times i really don't want to feel like i have to depend on him, i
> want to be able to do on my own) and then i have to wait and wait until he
> can do something for me at his convienece. I have pretty much stopped doing
> that. and it has made it easier. for example like changing the oil in my
> car.
> Every other weekend he has emily. and at least one night my girlfriend
> and i go out. and i hear flack from him about that. he doesn't believe in
> going out especially to bars!!!! you know me, I'm a people person. actually
> i don;t go out to drink, you can ask tracey when we're out people will ask
> where i'm at and tracey will point to the dance floor. that's what i love to
> do is DANCE!!!! it's also good exercise. ha ha. so, has your company sent
> you anyplace else lately? i better go for now it's getting late. email me
> soon. if you would like to come down for the party let me know and we can
> celebrate your birthday too. Tracey and Karen(from work) are going to have a
> big cookout at my house before we go out so no one goes out on an empty
> stomach. and of course we'll be drinking before we go out. Karen talked
> about making Jell-o shots. who knows what will happen, this should make for
> an interesting evening to say the least. Stella is coming down from PA.
> anyway just let me know and if you want to stay as well you're more than
> welcome. talk to you soon.
>
> Love,
> Amy
>
which I generally ignore and you can probably tell why. Then I get this last week:
> Jayson,
>
> hey you. whatcha been upto? i haven't heard back from you in ages. just
> worried about you. i figure your busy. just checking on you. you haven't
> been to the office since you went to florida. did they keep you down there?
> or probably had too much fun. so, how have you been doing? oh, by the way
> "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY"!!!!! how was your birthday. mine to say the least
> was interesting. HA HA!!! the girls at the office were asking if i had heard
> from you anymore and you hadn't been in the office. see, we keep track of the
> good reps that come in. better go for now. keep in touch.
>
> Amy
So in a fit of random evil, I send her this:
> Amy,
>
> The reason you haven't heard from me in a while is I've been in jail. I really
> don't want to talk about it, and if you ever ask me about it in person, I'll
> completely deny it.
>
>Jayson
and I sort of forgot about it until I got this today:
> Jayson,
>
> i'm sorry to here that. no problem. i was just concerned that's all. i
> won't pressure you, but if you ever need to talk i'm always here. and i mean
> that.
>
> sincerely,
> Amy
so I'm thinking that instead of just being moderately evil and fucking with this guy Jayson's life, I could be all out evil and ask The Master, Jon Land, if he would compose a short missive to Amy and maybe explain his jail time a bit more.
Or is that too much? I don't know anymore. Anyway, Jon, I'll forget that 10$ if you whip out a letter to Amy.
~Jeff
Dear Amy,
I'm not a particularly jealous man, but I couldn't help notice the highly sexual tones of your correspondence with Jayson. I know I shouldn't be reading his email, but when the warden called him out of the library for a cigarette deal, he had me fight off all the other inmates who were vying for the computer he was using, and I just couldn't help myself.
Since Jayson is my roommate, my best friend, and my lover (better known to folks on the outside as "prison bitch"), I am very protective of the special relationship that we have.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Bubs, it's short for Bubba, you know, like the President... although theoretically there should be a new President in office by now. By the time all the news gets edited and shown to us (we're consistently 2 years behind the times) a lot changes in the world.... we might as well have been living in Sweden! Just because we're in the psych ward, they think we can't handle it, but we can FUCKING HANDLE IT!!! WE FUCKING CAN!
I really am worried that as soon as Jayjay gets out of here he'll forget me and return to women. His return to a life of crime is a given. I can't imagine that the Italians that he used to get his stuff from would touch him with a 10-foot pole though. I know he's into chicks and he's just with me for the power, and I've tried to make myself more feminine for him. Unfortunately, while the fatty foods that they feed us to keep us sluggish and docile have formed supple man-boobs on my doughy, tender flesh, I think he's... whatever the male, prison equivalent of "lesbian until graduation" is, and I'm concerned that my efforts are in vain.
But something deep within me thinks I can change him, and the best shot I have is if you leave him the hell alone. Jayson won't tell me anything about you, but I know you'll work your vagina voodoo and take him from me. Please give me my chance. I love him. I really do.
He's coming back. Bye,
Bubs
This has got to be the funniest one yet (Score:1, Informative)
Dear Spammer.. (Score:3, Informative)
And a picture taken from the mail headers using the following tools...
eMailTrackerPro and VisualRoute
http://www.visualware.com/emailtrackerpro/index
http://www.visualware.com/visualroute/index.htm
Not a good idea (Score:2)
Re:Not a good idea (Score:2, Insightful)
And Y spammer would never lie about the number of replies received. That would be downright scummy, and we all know that people who send bulk email hold themselves to a higher standard.
</sarcasm>
Also, I'm pretty sure very few of us have the time to reply creatively to a lot of spam, or want to make that our new time-sucking hobby. I doubt it would be statistically significant.
So far, I have yet to be spammed for anything I want: I don't want hot teens or any variation thereof, I don't have a penis to lengthen or keep erect, I'm earning a real degree that will come with a much nicer diploma, I don't have credit card debt or want to morgage anything, and I definitely don't need to boost Windows speed (I run OS X). I'm not really worried about being tempted by any of the ludicrous and shady offers that come via my old Hotmail account.
Meghan
Re:Not a good idea (Score:1)
dammit you lot (Score:1)
Menstruating Christ! (Score:1)
Fun with Snail Mail... (Score:3, Funny)
When AOL used to fit on a floppy (wow---that was quite a while ago...) and people generally had 30 of them just laying around the house, I would send the AOL floppies back to any company I got junk mail from in their own postage-paid return envelopes.
To bad the CDs don't fit as well.
Re:Fun with Snail Mail... (Score:1)
-Jeff-
Re:Fun with Snail Mail... (Score:2)
Re:Fun with Snail Mail... (Score:1)
kacp
Re:Fun with Snail Mail... old porn (Score:2, Funny)
Better yet, since we have the technology, print one out.
Re:Fun with Snail Mail... (Score:2)
Here [prairienet.org] are the directions.
Is this the one?!? (Score:1)
I know there must be at least one since those scum-sucking, fly-by-night scamsters^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I mean, "fine companies" wouldn't lie to us.
Would they?
/.ed....here is one i got (Score:2, Funny)
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002
Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?
Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!
SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.
No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.
Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.
There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747
This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.
I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.
Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.
So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.
Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?
Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!
So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?
Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.
Jon
Isn't this (Score:2)
Mabye I should forward him some of my spam, although I wonder if he speaks Korean, shit I don't but those koreans are persistant little bastards!
Oh well you gotta love the replies though, "My father died of a horrible kidney disease" becomes "welcome to darwinism in progess" lol.
Here's an older collection of spam responses (Score:3, Interesting)
I think we all can enjoy another good laugh at the idiocity of one Bernard Shifman. I'm surprised he was still spamming as of 2/16.
Re:Here's an older collection of spam responses (Score:2)
Mr. Spammer, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
P.S.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
In other words, go away.
That's based on (Score:2)
Re:Here's an older collection of spam responses (Score:2)
The part that really concerns me about Moron Shifman is that if you listen to his stalker voicemails (before he loses the plot) he actually comes across as the kind of slimy but plausible motherfucker that clueless management actually does like to give money to, in lieu of spending ten seconds finding someone who has half an idea what they are talking abobut.
It disturbs me that Shifman is actually a genuine consulatant, and that he's making living money. The problem isn't really with him, it's with the lazy ignorant idiots who actually buy his arrogant drawling presentation style. Similarly with spam in general, the problem is that if even one out of a million victims bite, the spammer comes out ahead of the game.
I got a few of the letters mirrored (Score:2, Informative)
Don't even look at it... (Score:2)
Tom Nancy (Score:1)
while you're waiting for this /.ing to end... (Score:3, Interesting)
It's a work of art really. A digitized voice reading spam over royalty free ambient soundscapes.
A way to fight some SPAM (Score:1)
Here is on I got... (Score:2, Funny)
If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have
the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!
My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!
I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!
I need to be able to:
Travel back in time.
Rewind my life including my age back to 4.
I am in very great danger and need this immediately!
I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as
possible.
To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the
universe of
now will cease to exist.
I know that there are some very powerful people out there with
alien or
government equipment capable of doing just that.
I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and
the other
in energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using
either the
dimensional warp or an electronic device and then sends your
consciousness
back through time to part with your younger self. Please explain
how safe and what your method involves.
I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is
useless
without
a vortex.
If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator
or
where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would
also
be helpful. I am however concerned with the high level of
radiation these
crystals give off, if you could provide a shielding or other
crystals
which give off a north polarized vortex field just as strong or
strong
enough to make a watch stop this would be great.
Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as
mentioned
please send me a (SEPARATE) email to: IneedTimeTravel@aol.com
Please do not reply if your an evil alien!
Thanks
Come on... (Score:4, Funny)
At least the automated replies *acknowledge* that they don't read what I write...
Wrath of Disney (Score:2)
To: Hahaha <hahaha@sexyfun.net>
From: Jonathan Land <jland@incomplete.net>
Date: 05/11/2001
From: Hahaha
Subject: Snowhite and the Seven Dwarfs - The REAL story!
Today, Snowhite was turning 18. The 7 Dwarfs always where very educated and polite with Snowhite. When they go out work at mornign, they promissed a *huge* surprise. Snowhite was anxious. Suddlently, the door open, and the Seven Dwarfs enter...
Wow. (Score:1)
this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:5, Funny)
Repeat the word "cornflakes" over and over again until they hang up. My record is 28.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:1, Funny)
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:3, Informative)
They are rated based on call volume. If you suck up hours of their time they don't get great reviews. I kept some poor lady on the phone for over 2 hours one time. She just kept saying "sir I have to make other calls, have you made up your mind?" Makes me laugh.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:3, Informative)
I just say "put me on your don't call list" and hang up.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2)
I had a friend that used this kind of line "Thanks for waking me up, if you have an accident on the way home from work, a surgon will have to put you back together. I hope they aren't as tired as I was last night when I had to put that little girl back together". He's made people cry.
Another thing that works well is something like siding sales people. Set up an apointment and when they are just about to hang up you ask them if they will bring the samples with the pickles on them. Spend the next few minutes showing them a reality that just isn't quite right. Remember its hard to sell stuff to crazy people.
Sometimes you can get very lucky. While I was living in SBC country, I got a call from a call center in the town I used to live in (which was GTE land). They were tring to sell me some useless SBC service (callig from GTE how odd). I found out the town they were calling from and I took a guess of which of the two call centers it was. This freaked out the girl on the phone who put me on to her supervisor who was confused by the fact that I knew way too much about his operation. After that I never got another call from them again.
People in call centers steal from me. They steal my time and they steal my sleep and I will treat them same as if they had broken in to my house and stole my stuff.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:3, Interesting)
There are more constructive ways to fight evil corporations, but if you have a vindictive personality (and most of us do) this can be satisfying.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2)
If one believes that telemarketing is per se inappropriate or unethical, then it would be the poor sob making minimum wage who took decided to inappropriately contact someone that is to blame.
C//
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:3, Funny)
TM: "Hi, may I speak with Mr. [mispronounced] about this urgent information?"
ME: [in a breathy voice] "Yes, but only if you tell me what you're wearing..."
After that, they hang-up on me. It might also work for male callers, but I have not gotten the balls to try it yet.
Mike
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2, Insightful)
You: You kinda got me at a bad time. How about you give me your phone number and I'll call you back.
Telemarketer: Um, we can't do that sir/madam.
You: Why not?
Telemarketer: We don't like receiving phone calls at home.
You: Now you know how I feel....<click>
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2)
The guy who tried to pull a Seinfeld freaked at the amount of information that my friend had at his fingertips and hung up.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2, Funny)
A friend of mine would wait until they pause for you to say something... so he pauses and says
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:5, Funny)
Is this Mr ?
Yup.
This is from corporation. We are calling to inform you of
I let them talk to me for like a minute, then interupt:
Hey, I'm kind of in a hurry. I have this comedy routine tonight and I need to practice. Say, you want to hear a joke?
For some reason, most answer yes to this. I also try to be a little more smooth than that. Usually I bust out a few short jokes before leading up to this:
How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to change the lightbulb and another to screw an old lady out of her life savings! Did you know telemarketers don't call other telemarketers? Yea, it's called professional courtesy.
I used to have a few more that I can't remember, ever since I switched to my cell phone and let the answering machine pick up my home calls, I haven't done this in a few years.
Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers (Score:2)
Anyway, for a guy who gets really serious about his telemarketers (and has too much time on his hands) check out:
http://www.mindspring.com/~dave.heisler/tel
Hopefully, it hasn't already been posted here.
am I alone? (Score:1)
We should reply. (Score:1)
Imagine how quick it will become unprofitable if everyone they spammed replied to the "advertised product", that they were not interested. They would quickly run out of the ability to sort between the interested and non interested emails and that crap would stop immediately.
Dont reply to the mail server the mail came from. Go to the source. Hit the person whose product it is you receive the ad for!
Working link (Score:1)
Batrhoom Book Legend: Letters From a Nut (Score:3, Funny)
No, stop the pain (Score:2, Funny)
"Too many connectionsToo many connections"
[the server]: Just stop it! Go away! Leave me alone! Can't you see I have enough to do??
Lowtax has been doing this for a while now... (Score:3)
- grunby
DId we miss this somehow? (Score:2, Informative)
John Hargrave used to do a similar schtick (Score:2, Interesting)
He writes letters to spammers, but also to companies, which is a little more fun because they usually respond at least once.
How I deal with telemarketing (Score:3, Interesting)
If I'm feeling playful, I pretend to be a 80 year old man who is hard of hearing and afraid of technology, a character I perfected during a high school play years ago. (Played Selsdon in "Noises Off")
If I'm in a REALLY good mood (Got laid within the last 24 hours) I go into my "Fundamentalist Souther Baptist Minister" routine and try to convert the telemarketer.
"Have you found Jesus my child?"
The sad thing is, they stay on the line during this routine. I have had plenty of people hang up with the first tow methods, but every one of them had hung on during the third until I hung up. The current record is 45 minutes.
:)
Fun with Spam (Score:3, Funny)
This was a good one.
Insane
IS THIS FOR YOU?
If you answer "yes" to ANY of these questions, then this business is definitely for you:
1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)
2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?
3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)
4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)
We're looking for a few quality people with the work ethic necessary to generate a cash-flow for themselves of $2,000 - $5,000 per week, with the intent to increase that to over 5-figures per month, in as little as six months. Someone who can intelligibly read a short script to our qualified leads, and then turn the interested prospects over to our electronic sales medium. You will not be required to do any selling.
If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.
We market a real product, that pays real commissions to you, just for making the initial contacts. With our lead generation systems you'll always talk to people who actually WANT to talk to you.
If you answered "YES" to any or all of the above questions, and don't mind earning an extra $1,000, on average, for every 15 phone calls you make, then call this toll-free number:
1-800-123-4567 (Be sure and include the best time for us to reach you.)
You have nothing to lose, there's no risk involved, and you may be qualified to earn thousands of extra dollars per month.
Prosperous regards,
Krishna and Robert
P.S. It is SUGGESTED that you already have a functional home office situation. This greatly reduces your start-up and operating costs, and facilitates you being able to begin immediately. Please, serious inquiries only.
Hi..
Outside of the fact that I was laughing my body parts off at the fact that one of you is named "Krishna", I found some trouble answering the questions in your letter. I was wondering if you could review my answers and tell me whether or not your offer is a good idea for me. I'll just address your letter one segment at a time, if you don't mind.
1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)
Kind of.....well, let me tell you a bit about myself...I live in an insane asylum...I have my own room, and my own answering service. Well, it's not really an answering service, it's another patient. She's an old lady who walks around wearing a tie-dyed nightgown and screaming at the top of her lungs. She says her name is Boris, but something tells me she's wrong about that. Anyways, she's in the asylum because she thinks that the heads of all bald men are actually drum sets. So, whenever she sees a bald guy, she runs and jumps on him and starts slapping the top of his head like she's Ricky Ricardo. It's funny to watch an old lady in a tie dyed nightgown do stuff like that. Anyways, she's good at answering the phones...unless a bald guy walks by while she's taking the message.
I do, obviously, have a personal computer....so that's no problem. I can use it whenever I'm not licking the screen. That's why I'm in this asylum, I like licking small appliances.....it's an obsessive compulsive thing. I really wouldn't even be in here if I hadn't started french kissing a microwave in the Sears Appliance Center.
As far as a fax machine....well, I flushed it down the toilet. It was cheating on me with the vending machine on the second floor.
2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?
Commit....it's funny that you should use that word. Actually, yes I do have that much free time, and I'm excited at the notion of having a home business, because I'd be making money, but I'd still have enough free time to masturbate while flipping through the Circuit City catalog.
3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)
Are you kidding? Enthusiasm is my middle freakin name!! Hell, there's a lot of people here that would like to be salespeople. Hey, after I'm done reading the script, maybe I could have Boris talk to them! She's really convincing, unless she goes into a fit and starts screaming "ARE YOU BALD!?!?! ARE YOU BALD!?!" at the person on the other end of the phone. Don't worry, we'll try to medicate her. Then there's swingin' Eddy...he's in here because he thinks that Hoola Hoops are meant to be jewelry and because he was writing these letters to news anchors asking them if they were naked undearneath the news desk. Personally, I think that's normal....he really wouldn't be in here except he has a hoola hoop ass ring that he insists on wearing all the time. Poor guy....he can never wear pants....and whenver he sits down, he starts to roll away. He'd be a good salesman though, hell, he conviced me to get a hoola hoop nosering. It looks good, and it flies around in circles like a jump rope whenever I sneeze.
4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)
This is where I run into a problem. The hoola hoop makes it hard for me to use a phone, and beyond that, I'm sexually attracted to phones and that means that I salivate and slobber on the reciever whenever I use one. I was wondering if maybe you could bring the customers here, and I could read them the script in person? I promise everyone here will behave in front of them, and we'll make Jake, (the naked lumberjack) put a cloth or something on top of ol' Timber. No bald people though, I can't stess that enough.
If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.
IGNORE THE TV!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?? Haven't you listened to a damn word I said? I'm NUTS!!! I have SEX with the TV!!!! You want me to ignore so I can talk to your stupid customers and tell them about your products. NO!! Otherwise we're good, this sounds like a great opportunity, bring them on by.
By the way, Krishna is a retarded name.
Always,
Blender Sex Man
The finest spam reply personally seen was zug.com (Score:2, Funny)
Date: 96-02-07 10:21:26 EST
From: chirosft@ix.netcom.com (Dr. D. Funk)
As a business owner for the past 30 years, I have never experienced such a simple strategy to create additional fast cash flow, which will not detract from or conflict with the way I run my present business. I have personally seen incomes ranging from $10,0000 to $22,000 per month within less than 120 days. I know that sounds ludicrous, as it did to me at first, but thank goodness that at this stage of my life I was still open-minded enough to listen to the FREE audio cassette, "Dead Doctors Don't Lie" (Learn how 300,000 people are being killed in Hospitals each year!)
If you are not experiencing a LOW STRESS , non-confrontational income producing method that has people calling you with orders for your products and asking to join your business, it's time to call me and request a free copy of the amazing tape, Dead Doctors Don't Lie. E-mail your request to chirosft@ix.netcom.com or Fax (916)-482-4256 with your complete name and mailing address. (Please include phone number in the event we don't understand your message)
What have you got to lose ?
Subj: Re: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 11:27:36 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: chirosft@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham
Boy, this offer sounds great! I'd love to get that free audio tape about dead doctors! Send it on! My e-mail address is bakedham@aol.com.
I need to ask you about your name, Dr. Funk. I once knew a DJ in New York City who went by the name of Doctor Funk. I realize "Dr. Funk" and "Doctor Funk" are two different names, but perhaps you shorten it for the sake of space? Or perhaps it's a pseudonym for your other business ventures?
Man, you were something. Playing that dance music the whole night long at your club, General Hospital. It took me a while to get THAT joke - you were the Doctor, and the club was your Hospital! Great one, Doctor Funk!
One time I remember this girl came in wearing a live snake, as girls will do in Grenwich Village. You yelled into your microphone (as you were wont to do), "Do we have any funky boys in this house?" And all the guys yelled, "YEAH!" Then you screamed, "Do we have any booty-shakin' girls in the house?" And all the ladies screamed, "YEAH!" Then you hollered, "Do we have any snakes in the house?!" And - as if on cue - the snake jumped out of the woman's arms and bit this guy on the ass. It was some sort of poisonous viper, and you had to stop the music and rush over to help the snake bite victim. Everyone wanted you to help the guy, but we found out you weren't a licensed doctor at all. It was just an act. I heard the guy eventually died, so maybe that's what your dead doctors tape is all about.
Doctor Funk, how has your career been since that guy died? Did you find another job? I heard the General Hospital eventually went out of business - is that true? How did you get the name Doctor Funk?
Send on that free tape, Doctor Funk! I'm eager to make more money!
John Myers Hargrave
From zug.com [zug.com]
Similar to "Letters from a Nut" (Score:2)
One of my favorites was when he wrote to a casino in Atlantic City asking to gamble dressed as a large lobster.
You can get the book from Barnes and Noble [barnesandnoble.com]
The Filthy Critic (Score:2)
Re:/. 'd already.. (Score:2)
http://slashdot.org/users.pl?op=edithome [slashdot.org]
I got one more (it's about bowling) (Score:3, Informative)
Author's Note: Spam donated by Jeff Hobbs. Subject: Re: Are You a BOWLER? Check Out the HOTTEST NEW BOWLING BALL!
To: joebowler@skybiz.com, itstrikes@bigfoot.com
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/13/2002
How would you like to be the first in your bowling league to get your hands on the newest bowling ball from this innovative company? This new ball comes with a multi-density weight block with 800 grit sanded surface. This ball is so versatile, you can use it out of the box for heavy oil, or it can be shined to combat any condition. This ball has a very controlled break-point, which means higher scores and predictability.
Just some technical data for the serious bowler:
Radius of Gyration - Medium (2.530)
Differential - Medium (.050)
Hook Potential - 20 / 14 Dull/ Shiny on a scale of 1-20
Track Flare Potential - 6.5
Factory Finish Length - 6 on a scale of 1-10
Factory Finish Back-End - 8 on a scale of 1-10
Composition - Highly Reactive Urethane
Color - Lemon / Lime
D-Scale - 76-78 Hardness
So if you would like some more information on this brand new product and want to be the envy of all your league bowlers, simply contact us at itstrikes@bigfoot.com and put "More Info Wanted" in the subject line and we will send along a website and some information about how to reserve yours today!
Hello,
I'd like to counter your proposition with another: How would YOU like to be the first in YOUR industry to get a piece of the newest innovative sport: Extreme Vertical Bowling.
We're looking for a manufacturer for league balls. These will have to be custom made to withstand several drops from approximately 10,000 ft in the air.
This is how it works in a nutshell: The bowlers will be outfitted with a ball and a parachute. For each frame, the bowlers are loaded onto a plane that climbs to 12,000 ft. Once the bowler jumps from the plane with ball in hand, they have 2,000 feet to release it, or they're "over the line". Then, and only then, are they allowed to pull the ripcord for their parachute. Repeat times 10.
They'll be aiming at 10 pins secured vertically over a 4x4 ft. target. The target itself will be made out of industrial strength Nerf, so the ball should be fine. However, dependant on how far off target our bowlers are (a.k.a. throwing a "craterball"), the ball could be landing on a variety of surfaces.
Can you please let me know if such a ball is feasible?
Jonathan Land
CEO, Extreme Vertical Bowling, LLC.
P.S. I know, what you're thinking... you're thinking: "Can't people get hurt like this?" I mean, really, any sporting event can go haywire... look at how many stray golf balls give folks concussions!
Offtopic!! (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Too many connectionsToo many connections (Score:2)