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Spam King to Sing For Feds? 202

Posted by Zonk
from the chirp-chirp dept.
Vainglorious Coward writes "Infoworld is repeating the rumours that Alan 'spam king' Ralsky has been arrested by the Feds. With the file sealed for 72 hours, the article claims the underworld is abuzz with concern that, faced with enough evidence to put him in jail, Ralsky will squeal on his associates. We should know in the next couple of days whether any of the roaches scurrying for cover are going to get stomped."
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Spam King to Sing For Feds?

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  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:31PM (#15230510)
    In response to Mr. Alan Ralsky's equivocations, I would like to offer the following opposing points. To begin with, the tone of Mr. Ralsky's philippics is eerily reminiscent of that of unrealistic pop psychologists of the late 1940s, in the sense that mercantalism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge. We have not only a right but also a responsibility to restore the world back to its original balance. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does Mr. Ralsky contend that granting him complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air? The answer may surprise you, especially when you consider that he does not tolerate any view that differs from his own. Rather, Mr. Ralsky discredits and discards those people who contradict him along with the ideas that they represent. Imagine people everywhere embracing his claim that children should belong to the state. The idea defies the imagination.

    Isn't it odd that the worst classes of nasty, fastidious perjurers there are, whose hate-filled, huffy lifestyle will transform our whole society to suit Mr. Ralsky's own obtrusive, mingy interests eventually, are immune from censure? Why is that? After days of agonized pondering and reflection, I finally came to the conclusion that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, Mr. Ralsky's followers have always found a way to malign and traduce me. Mr. Ralsky does not want to turn our country into a devious cesspool overrun with scum, disease, and crime because he is fatuitous, illiberal, possession-obsessed, and unregenerate (though, granted, Mr. Ralsky is all of the aforementioned), but rather because if I were to compile a list of Mr. Ralsky's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that everything I've said so far is by way of introduction to the key point I want to make in this letter. My key point is that Mr. Ralsky's squibs can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they're being influenced by them. That's why we must proactively notify humanity that Mr. Ralsky's whinges are as predictable as sunrise. Whenever I free people from the spell of adversarialism that Mr. Ralsky has cast over them, his invariant response is to kill the goose bearing the golden egg. Mr. Ralsky's unimaginative, myopic quips replace our natural soul with an artificial one. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to give you some background information about him. What I take much more seriously than disdainful hackers are mean-spirited peddlers of snake-oil remedies, but what makes matters completely intolerable is knowing that when I say that many obdurate beguilers are taken in by Mr. Ralsky's attestation that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his disorganized prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that his mistakes are always someone else's fault. This is a common fallacy held by lazy, garrulous ruffians.

    In Mr. Ralsky's histrionics, mandarinism is witting and unremitting, power-drunk and distasteful. He revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to shift blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it. Mr. Ralsky sees no reason why he shouldn't ridicule, parody, censor, and downgrade opposing ideas. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that I, speaking as someone who is not a snappish, voyeurism-prone publisher of hate literature, cannot too often emphasize the simple fact that it is sad to see Mr. Ralsky render unspeakable and unthinkable whole categories of bel
  • Mob Justice (Score:5, Funny)

    by amoeba47 (882560) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:34PM (#15230520)
    I vote for mob justice. Throw him into a locked room filled with the pissed off masses fed up with too much ludicrous junk mail.
  • by Phantombrain (964010) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:35PM (#15230521) Journal
    Very good! Now that you've learned copy/paste and replacement, lets move on to something called "relavancy"
  • I'm sure.. (Score:5, Funny)

    by schmiddy (599730) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:38PM (#15230530) Homepage Journal
    the underworld is abuzz with concern that, faced with enough evidence to put him in jail, Ralsky will squeal on his associates

    I'm sure Mr. Ralsky's associates have nothing to fear. An upstanding, honest businessman such as himself would never rat on his friends.
  • Singing (Score:5, Funny)

    by AuMatar (183847) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:39PM (#15230532)
    Thats singing contralto, right? I mean, we are going to punish that slime in an appropriate manner.
  • by ArcherB (796902) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:40PM (#15230537) Journal
    Can we send this guy to Guantanamo? How about Abu Ghraib? How about if we glue a put a yamaka on his head and drop him off in downtown Tehran.

  • by rts008 (812749) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:42PM (#15230545) Journal
    Before a slow and painful execution, he should have his anal sphincter jerked up around his adam's apple, his scrotum tied (in a proper square knot) behind his ears, then beat with a baseball bat until dead. ;)
  • by SpottedKuh (855161) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:48PM (#15230562)
    ...he should have his anal sphincter jerked up around his adam's apple, his scrotum tied (in a proper square knot) behind his ears...

    I think I got some spam for a site like this just a few days ago...
  • by Fantasio (800086) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:54PM (#15230574)
    With this kind of news, I'm in a good mood !

    If Ralsky deserves only one second of jail for each minute infuriated users have lost deleting his crap, this could ammount to thousands of years of jail.

    I'll be generous and I'll accept that his time in jail be divided by ten if he tells the Feds everything he knows !

    Cheers !

  • by r00t (33219) on Saturday April 29, 2006 @11:59PM (#15230587) Journal
    We can start with the MAKE PENIS FAST [rutgers.edu] chain letter, just for fun.

    He won't mind. There is a distinct possibility of failure, but if things go rotten he can always take a few penis pills.

    (one wonders... if vitamin pills contain vitamins and garlic pills contain garlic, what might penis pills contain?)

  • by DieByWire (744043) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @12:26AM (#15230650)
    He'll be squealing for his new associates.
  • by www.sorehands.com (142825) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @12:30AM (#15230652) Homepage
    No. Leave him in jail for a while. Lets send some penis enlargment pills, spemmax, and instant cialis tabs to his cell mate.

    See if his cell mate lets him opt-out.
  • by ScepticOne (576266) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @12:59AM (#15230696)
    So when is it going to prosecute itself?
  • by Cheapy (809643) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @01:09AM (#15230716)
    Or they could throw him into a cell with Bruno, you got quite a few 'member enlargement' packages that "REALLY WORKED!"

    Bruno could show him just how well they worked... ;)
  • by peterfa (941523) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @01:50AM (#15230780)
    Make $$$$ fast!! Just hold down the shit-key and then the 3 key and you'll be making $$$$ fast!!

    Yes... I stole this from Bash; sue me.

  • by Eggplant62 (120514) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @01:50AM (#15230782)
    Further info from a spammer board posting indicates that Al is still free and *NOT* in custody. My source remains anonymous until I can further confirm it.
  • by achesloc (697690) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @01:59AM (#15230789)
    If (Feds.prosecute() == Spammer)
            slashdotCrowd.getsSuperExcited();
    else if (Feds.prosecute() == AnybodyElse)
            slashdotCrowd.getsSuperMad();

  • by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 30, 2006 @02:16AM (#15230828)
    Dude, since when is prosecute() the name of an accessor? That's ridiculous. Feds.prosecute(foo) should make the Feds prosecute foo. Feds.prosecutedEntities() should return an array.
  • by jcr (53032) <[jcr] [at] [mac.com]> on Sunday April 30, 2006 @03:06AM (#15230923) Journal
    That's not quite half the job..

    -jcr
  • poor guy (Score:5, Funny)

    by spongman (182339) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @04:04AM (#15231034)
    If you're reading this Alan, I've got some excellent 'Get Out Of Jail Free' pills you might be interested in...
  • by rishistar (662278) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @05:26AM (#15231156) Homepage
    I disagree. I'm sure iff he gets put in the showers with recipients of his penis enlargement offers he'll do quite a bit of squealing.
  • by pandrijeczko (588093) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @05:31AM (#15231165)
    Simple spammer torture:

    Make the spammer have one of his own penis enlargements he's always telling us are so great & just as he's nice, red & sore after the operation, start feeding him the viagra he's alway telling us is so great. :-)

    Ouch!

  • by gijoel (628142) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @05:48AM (#15231185)
    Hello my name is Tunde Bamake and I am writting to you to offer an amazing deal.

    Recently an associate of mine Alan Rasky was arrested by the FBI on charges of sending spam and unsolicted emails. I assure you my friend that these charges are totally unfounded and he really needs your help.

    He has $10,000,000 ten million dollars sitting in a Swiss bank account which he needs to pay for his lawyers. He can not get that money because the FBI will confiscate it if he trys to access it.

    My friend, I am asking you as a Christian to help my friend Mr Rasky with little effort from yourself. All you have to do is allow us to transfer the $10,000,000 TEN MILLION DOLLARS through your personal account.

    This will be at no risk or effort to yourself. Mr Ramsky understands the effort you will be going through and thus is offering you $250,000 TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for your help.

    Please my friend, I ask you to help Mr Ramsky in his hour of need.
  • opt out (Score:4, Funny)

    by Tom (822) on Sunday April 30, 2006 @08:28AM (#15231453) Homepage Journal
    He can always out-out of that prison sentence, right? Just a mail with "remove me"...
  • by Anonymous Coward on Sunday April 30, 2006 @11:06PM (#15234702)
    I hope you now understand why I say that Mr. Ralsky would love to see college campuses morph into small, ivy-covered North Koreas in which the student or faculty member who dares to deal summarily with scornful freaks quickly finds himself in a heap of legal trouble.

    Unfortunately I don't understand why you say that Mr. Ralsky would love to see colleges morph into small, ivy-covered North Koreans. Perhaps you could go into further depth.

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