I'm going to paramedic school. I'm being serious, too. I really am going to paramedic school. So about 14 months from now, the good people of a particular medium- to large-sized city will have the incredible joy of seeing me pump their veins full of fluids and odd elixers, then taking them to the hospital.

It could be a city near you! Eat hearty portions this holiday! Lots of egg nog and gristle! Have another three or five tom and jerry's drinks. 1000s of lucky winners each day!

This post raises a few curious questions. Since you fuckers are lazy, I presume, I will cut and paste it here to save a few clicks. Jesus you people are slothful bitches.

I wonder, if crack was legalized, would we be having a simular discussion over how best to prepare it? (not saying any of you here would do crack, just that if it was socially acceptable and all that)

Well, my man, I will tell you the answer is yes. In the case of meth, there are a variety of ways its manufactured. The hardcore fiends, I'm talking about the toothless fucking junkies, all have their own particular flavor they like. There's more flavors to this shit than Baskin' Fucking Robbins. The count I heard was 48. It's just like coffee. Generally, just like coffee, there are some flavors that most snobs like. In the case of meth junkies, they like the stuff made from lithium batteries.

I asked one junkie why he was so fond of the lithium battery method. In all honesty, consuming anything that has a principal ingredient of a battery seems like some seriously flawed fucking paradigm, but not to the toothless cunt he was.

"It's smooth, man. Like the other shit [method unknown] just burns your throat like you snorted fire. This shit is a lot smoother and it don't burn as much."

So, there you have it.

This morning I saw the results of an experiment I performed. The turd was a vivid green color. It was an average size and had a slightly sweet smell to it, like burning sugar. It came out with ease and clean up was no problem. I rate this a 10, for the coolness factor.

Harris Teeter has these vividly colored cupcakes. I surmised that if you ate several (3+) of them, it would turn your poop colors. I had noticed this before, but was uncertain if the cupcakes were the source. So, I did not eat for 24 hours before the cupcakes. I ate 6 cupcakes (vivid blue) and this was the result. If you do not see them for sale, they will make them for you.

I had a ham & cheese sandwich and a salad (again) for lunch yesterday; I had 6 cookies as well. My ass has decided that ~5:30am is pooping time. This morning's poop took some work to get going. This turd was odd in the fact that it wasn't cylinder shaped, but like a ribbon. It was flattened and about 6" long and looked fiberous. The turd was a medium brown and had a healthy earth smell to it. Clean up took a few extra passes and it flushed easily. I rate it an 8.

I took a rare second poop today as well. This one was while at work. Nothing worthy of note, except for the actual 'event' and what went on during the poop.

I don't like pooping at work. The bowl is too shallow and sometimes my balls dip down in to the water. So, I have to cup my nads what I shit. This is not comfortable. I also have my cell with me at all times. Naturally, it rings just as I settle in. I *have* to take it:

Me: "Uh...Hello, TTR speaking."
Droid: "Hey, this is Joe Salesdroid. I have DonkeyPunch Networks on the phone and they have a big spam problem. I hear your the guy to solve these types of problems."
Me: "Yeah, but I am in the mid..."
Droid: "Great, this is a big customer, I'll bring them on."
Me: "But, I am taking a..."
*beep*
At the point the customer comes on. I am sitting in a toilet, with my balls in one hand and my cell in the other. I am just gonna have to wing it and try to hold on.
*fast forward a few moments*
Customer: "...and most of what we are seeing there is coming from..."
Me (no longer able to hold on): "Uuuuunnnggggghhhh...*Faaaarrrrrtttt!*...*plop*...Oy..."
Customer: "...asia and we can't determine where..."
Me: *faaaarrrrrrtttt*...oh...jeez...
Droid: Um, TTR, what is that noise?
Me: "Oh, I am in the crapper."
Droid: "...."
Customer: "....."
Me: "I have to wipe here, guys, can I call back in a few minutes?"
Customer: "....."
Droid: "....um...ah...ok..."

I can't rate this turd, because the auto-flush took it away before inspection. I do rate the fact that a customer had got to hear me take a shit as a '10'.

The binding effects of the Percocets has passed. (pun not intended) Yesterday, I had a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread and a small salad. I also had a craving for milk and drank a half gallon after work. I was awoken at 5am by my cat meowing by my head. I woke up, rolled over and started to let a 'Good Morning' fart. I felt a gurgling and welling up in my gut. "That's no fart", I thought to myself as I hopped up and staggered into the bathroom half awake. Everything seems to have left my ass at once. A sudden rush and a sound like that of a potato gun firing mud at a wall and it was over. There was a strong sulphur smell to it. The turd wasn't solid, but it wasn't liquid either. It was a semi-solid; solid enough to plaster itself to the back of the bowl. Clean up was a bit of a mess, but the wet-wipes cleared everything out. Upon flushing, the semi-turd clung defiently to the bowl. A second flush sent it to its fate at the waste treatment plant. I rate this turd as a 7.

There is something up with a muscle in my upper leg; the pain is like a punishment from God. My doc perscribed Percocet for me; they tend to bind me up. I hadn't pooped for almost 2 days and this morning the pain in my gut was unbearable. In the past days I had eaten the buffet at Charlie Chang's, a roll-up from Harris Teeter's, 2 cheeseburgers from McD's, and 2-3 pounds of red, seedless grapes. This sat in my gut, like a lead weight. Sitting on the can was painful as the muscle is very tight. Being backed up, I had to push like I haven't pushed a turd in a very long while. After a few minutes, it all rushed from my body in one explosive load. I instantly felt 5 pounds lighter and 100% better. The turd was shaped like grape-shot that they used to use in cannons and was a uniform brown color. I can't comment on odor, as the cat had just taken a poop right before me (and my cat's poop reeks like hot death). Clean up was very easy. The almost painful level of pushing does hurt the over all rating of this turd, but I felt so good afterwards, I'll give it an 8.

Yesterday, I had blue crabs and steamed, spiced shrimp from the DC Wharf. I had a bit of tea this morning and that got my ass in gear, as it were. I also had a craving for milk for some reason, I must have drank a gallon of it yesterday. Anyway, this mornings turd started w/o any assistance, but there was a bit of pushing towards the middle. It went quick and there was no gas. I have a touch of a cold, so I can't give a good report on the smell. the turd itself was very loose, but not diareah. There was still a turd shape to it. It was very broken up and it was hard to determine length, but there was a fair amount of poop. It was a light brown color, almost tan. Clean up was easy with 2 whipes and a wet-wipe/dry-wipe finish. I rate this turd a 6.

I didn't eat much Sunday; I just had 2 BLTs on bagels as an early lunch and 6 pizza rolls for dinner. This mornings poo was out of sync with my morning routine. Usually, I wake up and have 5-10 minutes before my ass wakes up. Today, the need to poo was immediate; Not so immediate that I thought I would shit myself, but enought to let me know to start moving towards the can. The ammount of effort to get the turd going was just right; not so lax that it is diarhea, but not such a strain that I think I am going to have a stroke. Once the inital breakthru, it was smooth sailing. There was one alpha turd and 2 beta turds. The alpha turd was a good 9 inches long and had the same icecream cone shape of the previous day's. The beta turds were a generic turd shape. They were all a consistant, light brown color with no irregularities. It stayed submerged and I didn't fart alot, so there was little to no smell. Clean up was a bit of a mess, it took a good half dozen wipes with paper before it was clean enough for the wet wipe. Thankfuly, I did a pre-flush, so the excess paper didn't cause a clog. I rate this turd a 7.

Yesterday, I had a roast beef roll-up from Harris Teeter. I also had a California roll and some shrimp sushi. For dinner, I had a dozen frozen pizza rolls.

This mornings turd was rather solid. It took a second of pushing followed by the relief of the turd breaking thru to splashdown. The turd was in two peices, the main one was kinda ice-creamcone shaped (at 5") and the other was a mini-turd (at 2.5"). They were both uniformly a generic brown color. I found this to be odd, because the roast beef roll I had has these long strips of lettuce in them that stay intact thru the digestive process; this usually gives the turd a racing stripe of green down one side. The odor was masked by the orange floor cleaner that I had mopped with the previous night. Clean-up was very easy and only took a couple of wipes followed with a wet wipe. I rate this turd an 8.

... and anyone who believed otherwise is a cunt.

You're familiar with MoveableType, yes? Well they have this little thing called a trackback. I propose, and it's most likely been well worn by now:
Trackback Trolling.

Let's say I write a highly inflamatory post: like this. Note that I did not write this. But I see its potential for highly inflamed responses.

With my highly inflamatory post, I go on a trackback finding spree, looking for exactly the type of people with blogs likely to be offended by my writings. So I go to Daypop.com and search for something, find a few blogs.

I craft an offensive excerpt for my post that will ensure 100% offense to the readers and author.

Then, I grab their trackback pings for specific posts, paste them into my MT post and send off a shitload of trackbacks, along with my coarse excerpt. You can also just link to other MT blogs and have the TB generated automagically too.

Trackback trolling. What an idea. Few use trackbacks regularly, except the A-list bloggers that are party to selfsuck sessions with each other. In the general blog world, they're not too common -- hence the massive impact this has.

Folks, you heard it here first.

Due note, careful reader, that deleting a trackback is not particularly easy to do. If I sent a profane fucking spew in the form of a trackback to another blog, it's not easy for victim of said profane fucking spew to remove that trackback.

It's possible to delete them, but rather a pain. One must enter the database and manually delete that trackback from the table.

Anyone have one? I'm quite fond of beef brisket. And I've never had a German dish I disliked.

And, by the way, Lent is my favorite time of the year. Not because I'm Catholic, Lutheran or anything even remotely close. Presbyterian, in name only, to be exact. But the stores all go apeshit marking down the various fish products to appease the pious.

That means for those who have a disgusting lust for tinned fish, like kipper snacks, and sardines, these things are on sale. I now own more tinned fish at this moment, than at any other point in my adult life.

I will be following this up with a real Turd Report, so be patient.

Many of my fans and friends have asked me various questions during my stint as The Turd Report. I would like to take some time and answer those questions. The fisrt qusetion I would like to answer is: "What is the correct way to wipe?"

Wiping is a critical part of the excremeditation ritual that is performed every day. Having the correct wiping style helps you to have a clean and odor-free butt.

First, make sure you have the supplies that you will need. namesly, you will need toilet paper and wet wipes. I don't have any recomendations for wet wipes, but I do have some suggestions for buying toilet paper. I prefer the cheap 2-ply paper. No lotions, no quilting, no prints. I recomend the cheap paper due to it producing almost no lint when rubbed against your butt. Excessive lint in your butt can cause irritation as the day goes on.

Now, after you have dumped you load, as it were. You are going to need to clean up. First off, determine how messy your turd was. If it was diarhea, or very loose stool, you will need to start off with a large wad of paper. The paper should cover your hand and be thick enough so stop liquid from soaking thru to your hand. This large wad of paper will be used to get the big and messy stuff off of your butt. Once you are starting to get deep into your ass crack, you will want to start using smaller and smaller wads of paper. But, be sure that it is still covering your hand. (You don't want to get a piece of poo on your hand and throw everything off.) Once I have actually wiped my anus with the paper a couple of times, I will break out the wet wipes. Take out one wet wipe and wipe around you anus. You can either use a new one for each pass, or you can fold it over and use the other (clean) side. After 2-3 wipes, the wet wipe should come out clean. At this point, I like to take a small wad of paper and dry off and do a quick spot check.

Now, all that is left ot do is to flush and make a journal entry.

My doc put me on a new medication. It is called RenaGel and it is a phosphorus binder. It does something more that bind phosphorus; it also binds my turds in to big rocks. I woke up at 4am. I had not pooped in about 36 hours, but I had eaten during that time. I had the urge to poop and I made my way into the bathroom. The turd did not want to come out, it tried but would just stall at the critical exit point. Pushing just made it feel worse; it was like pooping a cinder block. But, after 2 to 3 minutes of pushing it came out with a satifying 'plop'. And that was it, just one turd. It was easily 3 inches in diameter, but was only 5 inches long. It appeared to be lumpy, as if it was made of several little turdletts. It was dark brown in color and had no odor. Clean up was easy; it took only two wipes. However, Seeing how big it was (in diameter) I flushed this turd w/o paper. It clogged the toilet. I rate this turd as a 7.

My live-in GF demanded TacoBell last night. I don't care for it, but didn't feel like going to two places, so I had Taco Bell as well. I had 5 soft tacos and a Dr. Pepper. For fast food, it was ok. But, my body has lost most of it's defenses against pre-processed food, so there were complications. I didn't have any real problems that night. I was gassy, but alright. This morning, it was a race to the bathroom. I almost didn't make it. There was a great deal of pressure in my gut. I just got situated on the seat when it came out at full force. A fart propelled turd shot out of me. Once it was out, there was a termendous feeling of relief. I sat there waiting for any stragglers, but that was it. There was a harsh sulfur smell to it. The turd had impacted on the bowl and had flattened. It had no structure to it at all, just a mass of poo. It was a generic brown color. Part of it stuck to the side when I flushed. It took a second flush to get the bits to fall off. I rate this turd as an 8.

Oh, my Karma is now rated as 'Excellent'! Wh00t! :)