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It's funny.  Laugh.

Corporate Anthems Go Corporate 149

Peter Judge writes: "Corporate Anthems are once again online at ZDNet UK. Last year, the Corporate Anthems page exposed a big bunch of amusing songs composed for corporate promotion. However, the music files had to go offline due to bandwidth limits. Now, ZDnet UK has stepped in, to host the anthems in all their glory. We hope to flush out and publicise new ones, and will be updating the chart in the coming weeks, according to the 'popularity' of different tracks. We have included more lyrics -- transcribed with some effort (and several lines which surely can't be for real)."
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Corporate Anthems Go Corporate

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  • Synergy?

    Gosh, must be hard for aspiring artists to write these songs . . . crazy words like paradyme don't rhyme easily!

    -Joe
  • by Nerobro ( 303656 )
    Isn't this going a bit far... well maybe not considdering that companys can be larger than countrys...
  • by gvonk ( 107719 ) <.moc.knovtterrag. .ta. .todhsals.> on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:34AM (#3233352) Homepage
    HA HA HA HA

    SGI's: [zdnet.co.uk]

    "I have a dream, and it's called a graphics pipe/ it really works, and it's not just PR hype".


    You have to hear it...
    • Still funny though...

      Modeling and rendering, designing analyzing, just pick any two!/ I have one dream and it's two CPUs...
    • by AVee ( 557523 )
      I have a dream, and it's called a graphics pipe

      I hate it when companies have dreams, they should have stuf that works!

      it really works, and it's not just PC hype

      Huh...
      Well, wouldn't it be time to stop dreaming and start selling the stuff!
  • Not really an anthem, but I was always partial to the oscar meyer song. My bologna has a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r.
  • by rde ( 17364 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:37AM (#3233356)
    Knife goes in! Guts come out! That's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about!
  • the second I though of that all I could think of was the song that played through my head at every staff meeting talking about "reorganization". It was "We're Not Going To Take It" - T. Sister
  • Well, my corporate anthem goes something like this: Oh, I'm a C programmer and I'm OK, I muck with structs and indexes all day, And when they work I shout HOORAY! Oh, I'm a C programmer and I'm OK. I tend to put it in nearly all of my programs and whenever someone reads the source you can usually hear them burst into laughter. I do not know who wrote this poem, but I would like to thank them :) This poem is just too fantastic as it combines Monty Python, C and silliness... God bless the poets...
  • "the music files had to go offline due to bandwidth limits"

    I love how they celebrate the return of the site by Slashdotting it.

  • by Mad Bad Rabbit ( 539142 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:39AM (#3233368)

    are available here [musiclinks.nl].

  • by JabberWokky ( 19442 ) <slashdot.com@timewarp.org> on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:41AM (#3233372) Homepage Journal
    Somewhere in England, a little server weeps alone.

    --
    Evan "Until the CFO gets the bandwidth bill - then he'll have company"


  • ...the Enron anthem had a surprise ending?

    • ...the Enron anthem had a surprise ending?

      I don't know, but I think it had a deceptive cadence.
      (rimshot)

      (Obscure music geek joke. If just one person actually gets it, I'll jump for joy.)
  • Hmm... (Score:3, Funny)

    by DennyK ( 308810 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:43AM (#3233375)
    - Do companies actually pay people to come up with these things?

    - WHY do companies pay people to come up with these things??

    All I can say is...thank God my company doesn't have its own song. Yet... *shudder*

    If we did...they'd probably make us techs sing it to the clients over the phone... ;)

    Great...now that thought's gonne give me nightmares tonight... ;)

    DennyK
    • I worked for a company a long time ago that paid serious money for the following slogan:
      "We make every bit count"

      After a few years, they paid even more money for:
      "Locked on the leading edge"

      The corporate mindset can be simultaneously wonderous and scary.
  • devo (Score:2, Interesting)

    by laserweasel ( 568666 )
    Does it enrage anyone else that Devo's sarcastic "Beautiful World" is used by freaking TARGET?
    • The fresh-outta grad school hipster advertising agent that came up with the idea probably finds it hilariously ironic.

      Last year there was a Gatoraid ad with a Monks song in it. *that* surprised me.

      but no, commercial radio and music television are more commercial than the ads. at least the ads are honest that they're just selling you something. i'm thankful that there's any good music at all on tv, and usually the commercials they accompany are better than most music videos.
      • Would be funny ad themes for CD Albums winning the MTV Music Awards instead of musics inside their own CD Albums.
      • I think that it is EXACTLY what Devo is all about......the RIGHT people get it, and they even managed to undermine the Beautiful People at Target!
    • ...or how about Stereolab's highly-inappropriate song One Small Step playing in a Volvo ad [onlineathens.com]?

      As a silver car spins slowly the lyrics clearly heard:

      From the sky would fall an incessant rain of bombs
      We had nowhere to go but retreat underground
      Our continent...waved a load of mines
      Growing our food was a risk at any time
      The sudden brutality we had to confront
      Forced us many years to a life into the ground
      When I came out after having hidden for so long under

      At least when VW used Stereolab's Parsec in their New Beetle ad they had the presence of mind to select a song by the leftist group that didn't have any lyrics at all.

      'Course, the ultimate folly in recent memory was GM buying the rights to a a Chumbawumba (née the ultra-Marxist Crass) song for their car ad... the proceeds of which were used to lobby against GM [chartattack.com]. Ha!

    • yeah, you'd think they would of used the Devo Corporate Anthem!
  • Has anyone seen Demolition Man? That movie predicted that jingles like this would be the rage well into 21st century. They surely can be cheesy at times, but it's better than a lot of crap that's otherwise 'free'
  • by DennyK ( 308810 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @02:51AM (#3233395)
    ...is apparently an imperfect science. Unless the PriceWaterhouseCoopers anthem really does go "...How high can you retch?..." ;-)

    Of course, the *real* stuff some of these songs contain is far scarier... ;-)

    DennyK
  • I guess they come up with this stuff for team building retreats etc.

    It amazes me that corporations hope to improve moral using the same insulting tricks they tried on us in 7th grade. If they just treated people like adult human beings, you'd see results a lot faster than making by making them clap and sing in unison.

    But I wonder...
    Was there ever an Enron song? I know of some punk bands that would love to do a cover.
    • by IainMH ( 176964 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @03:32AM (#3233469)
      Was there ever an Enron song? I know of some punk bands that would love to do a cover.

      Oh dear, I sense one of those "I am company president, but I am really one of you because I play guitar" people :-)

      This is like when Tony Blair got into power and the photo-opportunity was him moving in to Number 10 carrying his Fender.

      Ian Hislop summed it up perfectly : "Oh god, he looks like a trendy vicar"
      • This is like when Tony Blair got into power and the photo-opportunity was him moving in to Number 10 carrying his Fender.

        Wildly offtopic, I know, but:
        I could be wrong, but I believe the Blairs live at number 11 instead of number 10 as is usual. Number 11 is normally reserved for the chancellor, but because it's a bigger house and their family is bigger than that of most of the past Prime Ministers' the Blairs have it instead.
      • Ian Hislop summed it up perfectly : "Oh god, he looks like a trendy vicar"
        And IH has been running the "St Albion Parish News (Vicar the Revd. T Blair, Oxon.)" in the magazine he edits, Private Eye, since soon after Tony came to power, rewriting the governemtn events of the day as they would appear on a smaller scale if enacted by church-people and parish digitaries in a small country village. It's frequently a very telling commentary, and Prime Minister Blair sometimes comes across as disquietingly reminiscent of his fictitious alter-ego.
  • I'll hear all of them. I want to be very happy.
  • What do they do with these anthems? You can't play them to employees, and I doubt they ever would...it would be too emabrassing. People might be compelled to quit over it. Only to go to a competitor with a similar anthem which also makes you want to puke. It sounds like something that they might play on a voice mail system when customers are on hold. What a great way to make the customer hang up right away.

    My favourites: KPMG's is hilarious.

    PriceWaterhouseCooper's is just plain stupid-funny, if you know what I mean.

    IBM's is interesting. Really old and very, very bad, and it sounds like they actually got some employeers to sing along! Sounds like a song from Merry Poppins. They must have been marketing people...the engineers would never be dumb enough to sing along to that. Unless management gave them free beer on a Friday and they got really pissed-up.

    • actually the IBM corporate anthem is over about 70 years old, it was created some time in the 1930s. The rendition you hear is one of the employees being led by a manager. rumour is that the sales team used to sing it at conferences and is probably where it was recorded. You can tell by the references to Thomas Watson who actually started IBM back in the day. You can actually find it on IBM's own site. [ibm.com]
    • Mary Poppins. Merry Brandybuck.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @03:05AM (#3233419)
    /. editors, do not divulge my IP addy to anyone that may call. Please.

    MS Theme song (learn it, love it, live it)

    1
    We build the future piece by piece
    The world depends on us
    Never can our endurance cease
    In our products they must trust

    Refrain:
    We dream our dream of dominance
    Microsoft, we lead and the world follows
    We put the computer on every desktop
    And each one runs Windows

    2
    Our battle is arduous
    And our enemies are fierce
    But the battle belongs to us
    Only we can persevere

    Refrain

    3
    With eagle eyes we see for years
    With cheetah speed we race
    Our code is Business' gears
    And Windows is its face

    Refrain

    From BASIC to DOS to Windows
    Our empire grows ever strong
    Microsoft will take the blows
    And return them right along

    Refrain 2x
  • From the IBM lyrics [zdnet.co.uk]:
    we can't fail for all can see,
    that to serve humanity
    has been our aim.

    Now that's a company we all will support, they exist to serve us, not to make profit or something, nope, just to serve humanity.
    Or would they mean serve as in AS400?
  • waste of bandwidth.
  • I only listened to the SGI anthem, and found I couldn't hate it. I'm known for mocking stupid music (it's a good/bad habit of mine), but I couldn't seem to do it this time. The song is so lame that it mocks itself, no need for me to help it along. There is no doubt in my mind that they intended it to be stupid. At least, that's what I *want* to believe. Nobody could be as lame as to write a song like that with any seriousness. For their sake, I hope that's the case.
    • > I only listened to the SGI anthem, and found
      > I couldn't hate it. I'm known for mocking
      > stupid music (it's a good/bad habit of mine),
      > but I couldn't seem to do it this time.

      Listen to the Ericsson theme song ("You Need Intelligence / We Can Get it / Network Intelligence / Come and See"), and you'll learn to hate again.
  • None of these songs could possibly be as horrifying as this little ditty [cnn.com] by a certain wacko Attorney General..
  • *UGH!* (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    I refused to sing "We've been working on the Cold Stone [coldstonecreamery.com]" then and I won't sing it now (yes, it's to the tune of "we've been working on the railroad" and it sounds terribly obnoxious).

    Yes, they also have several other inane songs you're supposed to sing for a dollar. I kinda wish I'd known that you were supposed to sing before I got hired for the job, but our owners were bright enough not to force us to do such silly things :)
  • Melodious voice: "MSN... it's more useful because it's got Microsoft technology!"

    It made me sick... I had to leave the room...

    • by Anonymous Coward
      A friend of mine posted this [slashdot.org] a few minutes ago.

      He showed me the memo he got from his manager and it looks like the "learn it..." crap is written in there on the page. Funny, I didn't think they were such corporate worms like KPMG or PWC. Hey, you learn something new everyday.

      I'm waiting to hear the whole MS album!
  • i worked for one of the companies featured in the chart, and was dismayed to know that a corporate anthem was being created internally, they went out and brought the kit to produce the track, the corp vid that went with it was intended to be used to convey what the company was about to potential clients, not sure if it ever worked (or was actually used)... of course the anthem itself is now used as the hold music.... used to be a nightmare phoning in from a meeting *knowing* you would get put on hold and be subjected to it !!

    *shudder*

    -----
  • can't wait till someone uploads the RIAA's anthem, then we can all pirate it and burn it to cds/dvds....

  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @04:08AM (#3233524)

    Share and enjoy, Share and enjoy
    Journey through life with a plastic boy
    Or girl by your side, let your pal be your guide
    And when it breaks down or starts to annoy
    Or grinds when it moves and it gives you no joy
    Because it's eaten your hat or had sex with your cat
    Poured oil on your lawn or ripped up your door
    And you get to the point you can't stand anymore
    Bring it to us, we won't give a fig
    We'll tell you... Go stick your head in a pig!

  • by Anonymous Coward
    I work for DB. Previously I was a happy corporate banker merging companies who didn't want to be merged and doing other useful activities. Thanks to these songs now I want to maim myself. Thanks for pointing out how much I am now a part of my corporation, now that the tune got stuck in my head.

    1984
  • Reminds me of.... (Score:3, Interesting)

    by fwc ( 168330 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @04:29AM (#3233548)
    That great article about Scott Adams brainwashing Logitech executives into writing a mission statement... And then committing to put it to music. (Wayback machine version here. [archive.org])

    Makes you wonder how many of these anthems were as a result of some Dilbertism in the workplace... Hmmm.....

  • When I bought my first PC, it came with OS/2 installed. Although the operating system didn't last long, it came with a midi file of that same IBM corporate anthem which I still have lying around somewhere.

    It's quite a good tune when the words are removed, if a little dated.
  • RIAA (Score:4, Funny)

    by burtonator ( 70115 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @05:40AM (#3233706)
    The RIAA has a really good corporate anthem!

    You can download it from Kazaa, Morpheus or GNUTella.

    It is all about piracy or something...
  • OUR I. B. M. SALESMEN [ntlworld.com]
    Tune: "Jingle Bells"

    1. I. B. M., Happy men, smiling all the way.
    Oh what fun it is to sell our products night and day.

    I. B. M., Watson men, partners of T. J.
    In his service to mankind-that's why we are so gay.

  • by dR.fuZZo ( 187666 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @06:17AM (#3233783)


    I worked at a corpotation that, through mergers and such, was double-branding their product for awhile. After a certain period in time, they decided to retire an old logo. So, they recorded a song to the tune of "American Pie", and sent it to everyone's voicemail, telling them that we weren't going to use the logo anymore.

    I guess the idea must have been (?) that nobody's going to forget about the change in policy after they listen to that. Personally, I had to wonder if our CEO just didn't have enough to do or something.

  • Definately my favorite for most annoying/catchy/scary corporate theme... But they forgot to link the Drum n Bass version! check it out here [phrenetic.org]
  • I found these [ntlworld.com] when i started working for big blue... they scare me severely.
    • Way back when I first got my Tandy 1000, I got a disk full of BASIC programs and games from I know not where. One of them played "Ever Onward" while displaying the lyrics on the screen, line by line. I played this so often (hey, I was about 12 years old and it was a catchy tune) that I still remember them, but they are not the same as the lyrics on that site. Instead, it was this verse:

      There's a feeling everywhere
      Of bigger things in store
      Of new horizons coming into view
      Our aim is clear to make each year
      Exceed the one before
      Staying in the lead in everything we do
      The will to win is built right in
      It will not be denied
      And we will go ahead, we know
      By working side by side

      And this was followed by the chorus, and that was it.

      I wonder if what I have is a 'bootleg' version? And I wonder if I still have that old 5 1/4" floppy buried somewhere in my house and can find a machine to read it.

      ~Philly
  • Written by a close friend of mine (in his free time) for the Bureau's centenntiall celebration...

    http://www.census.gov/mso/www/centennial/anthem.ht m [census.gov]
  • Those that contract out for the Defense sector, pick your branch. [af.mil]

    Not to be outdone, the National Guard [af.mil] has a theme of its own.
  • Lipsync (SGI songs) (Score:2, Interesting)

    by Tribbles ( 218927 )
    We have an ex-employee from SGI working for us, and he's told me that SGI have an event called "Lip sync", where departments have to come up with the most outrageous and over the top songs for their department. Notable entries were "CAD to the bone" ('bad to the bone') and "Drugs do work"...
  • by Stavr0 ( 35032 ) on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @09:06AM (#3234106) Homepage Journal
    Perhaps you've heard it before ...

    Let me tell you how it will be
    There's one for you nineteen for me
    'Cause I'm the taxman [irs.gov]
    Yeah I'm the taxman [ccra-adrc.gc.ca]

  • I like this one:

    It's fun to charter an accountant
    And sail the wide accountancy,
    To find, explore the funds offshore
    And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

    It can be manly in insurance.
    We'll up your premium semi-annually.
    It's all tax deductible.
    We're fairly incorruptible,
    We're sailing on the wide accountancy!

    [its from the short film shown before Monty Python's Meaning of Life...]
  • by zoward ( 188110 ) <email.me.at.zoward.at.gmail.com> on Wednesday March 27, 2002 @09:32AM (#3234218) Homepage
    When I first read the headline for this story, it creeped me out. There's a scene in one of William Gibson's books (it might have been Neuromancer) where corporate employees are expected to get up in the morning and sing the company anthems in unison before starting work. I know the songs are in jest, but think about it: exactly how far away from this are we?
  • by Dwedit ( 232252 )
    IBM, happy men, smiling all the way, oh what fun it is to sell our products our pruducts night and day. IBM Watson men, partners of TJ. In his service to mankind - that's why we are so gay.
  • I remember when Windows 95 was launched in the UK, it was accompanied by "Start it Up" by the Rolling Stones. Perhaps M$ ought to change it to a 10 minute remix entitled "Start it Up (Again)".

    • Unfortunately, the one line they left out of the song was the one that would have warned us all of the big problem:

      You make a grown man cry
      Don't make a grown man cry
      You, you {clap clap}...You make a grown man cry-y-y-y

  • "He was outside, waiting. Looking like your standard tourist tech, in plastic zoris and a silly Hawaiian shirt printed with blowups of his firm's most popular microprocessor; a mild little guy, the kind most likely to wind up drunk on sake in a bar tha tputs out miniature rice crackers with seaweed garnish. He looked like the kind who sing the corporate anthem and cry..."

    -William Gibson, Johnny Mnemonic

  • All I picture from dot coms is "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.
  • All Things Considered [npr.org] from National Public Radio [npr.org] had a piece on these songs last year. [npr.org] It's pretty funny, with a good amount of historical background.
  • The subject of corporate anthems immediately reminded me of one of the characters in Douglas Adams book, "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency". He worked for a startup company that wrote software to generate corporate anthems based off of the a company's financial performance. Japanese companies tended to produce fast tempo pop music while European companies produces something akin to funeral marches. I wonder what dot coms would generate?
  • Dident they have something on athems and stuff in Stalone's Demolition Man? I think a whold radio channel and somthing about Taco Bell?

    Well it Wed and need a good chuckle. :)
  • *voice hoarse, sweat flinging to the end of the audience*

    DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS!
  • This gnome-run (at least in mascot) Belgian brewery has the coolest (silliest) song.

    Download the "happy chouffe song" at the Achouffe [achouffe.be] website. You can get an mp3 in both French and English

    I've only had the "McChouffe" and not the original LaChouffe - it was pretty good, but not worth paying import (USA) prices. But it did come in a cool "magnum" size bottle with cool pics of gnomes on it!

    Read more about them at this bbc article [bbc.co.uk].

  • At my previous employer's annual "Kickoff" meeting, popular songs were lyrically altered to celebrate various products, and employees performed the songs for those in attendance (usually about 5000 people). This was rehearsed with costumes and live bands and a full stage with light/sound system, mind you. One particular performance of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" extolling the virtues of the latest laser printers still makes me ill.

    Also, with reference to the post mentioning William Gibson's "Neuromancer": Samsung Electronics actually does this in Korea. According to an article in a recent TIME magazine, employees are sent away to four-week boot camps, awake before 6 AM every morning, and sing the company song.
  • ... and it wasn't pretty.

    During a company wide meeting in Santa Monica, a group of consultants swept the stage and told us all how we were going to be a billion dollar company in no time at all (with their help, of course). Part of getting there, however, was having a defined corporate image and a honed sense of purpose.

    Intro the guitar player.

    According to Head Consultant #1, the guitar player who now graced the stage went through some pretty horrific times, notably a throat cancer that threatened his vocal chords. As he was a singer by trade, this would mean the collapse of his entire world. But, with faith and determination, he got through it and emerged on the other side of the ordeal with chords intact. Mr. Guitar Player, then, was to be an inspiration to us all.

    And how did they choose to inspire us? By playing the most GOD AWFUL song I have ever heard - the CyberMedia Theme Song. After the song was played (during which my coworkers and I tried heartily to stifle our laughter while one of us was actually so enraged at the idiocy of it all to be visibly red and shaking), we were all handed copies of the song on cassettes. You know, so we could go home and use it as a depressant.

    After arriving back at our branch office in Tigard, Oregon, our small group set to encoding the song into an MP3 so we could unleash it on the world and MAKE SURE that everybody knew what CyberMedia was all about.

    That song sucked. And it did such a good job at lifting our spirits that the company was sold to Network Associates not long afterwards.

    As one of our group was heard to say during the performance of the song by Mr. Guitar Player: "Too bad he recovered."
  • Join us now and share the software;
    You'll be free, hackers, you'll be free.
    x2

    Hoarders may get piles of money,
    That is true, hackers, that is true.
    But they cannot help their neighbors;
    That's not good, hackers, that's not good.

    When we have enough free software
    At our call, hackers, at our call,
    We'll throw out those dirty licenses
    Ever more, hackers, ever more.

    Join us now and share the software;
    You'll be free, hackers, you'll be free.
    x2
  • I'm not sure if it's been mentioned before, but SGI actually had a theme song for the Indy workstation. This is not the "jazz hit" startup sound, but in fact, a full length instrumental jazz fusion piece commissioned by a local band (at least as described by the marketing people at the demo I saw)

    It can be found on the demos that come with the Indy somewhere, and isn't half bad at all.

    Calum

  • There are a few great moments several times in the ORIGINAL ROLERBALL where Jonathan E. is pounding his BIG SPIKED glove in anger at "corporate anthem" at the beginning of each game.

    Funny thing is, the faces of the rollerballers show how incredibly lame and pointless these songs are.

    Kinda like MY face when I read the soulless lyrics of thes horrible, crappy songs.

"I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes." -- Dennie van Tassel

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