Air Force Seeking Geeks For 'Cyber Command'

An anonymous reader writes "Wired reports that the two-star general in charge of the US Air Force's new Cyber Command is looking for hacker-types to beef up its cadre of cyber warriors — no heavy lifting required. 'We have to change the way we think about warriors of the future,' General William Lord says. 'So if they can't run three miles with a pack on their backs but they can shut down SCADA system, we need to have a culture where they fit in.' The Cyber Command is the Air Force's first new Major Command since the early 1990s. Its purpose is to be able to win an electronic war with China and other potential adversaries."

Yeah, right.

[Black Parrot]

we need to have a culture where they fit in.

Somehow I don't think the Air Force is going to be keen on people smoking pot in the command center.

maybe

[legallyillegal]

they could be called GeekSquad

Cyber, huh? Neat!

[SpiffyMarc]

Just seeing that the name of this new command is the "cyber command" makes me want to run right out and hack a Gibson.

Man, the surf is ripped out on that information wave today. I mean gridlocked, on that information superhighway...?

HACK THE PLANET!

Re:Cyber, huh? Neat!

[gotzero]

Maybe they can amend to: "Cyber: As in Computers". Probably double their funding...

At least they are seeing this as an issue. Shocking that the most desirable candidates do not fancy running 3 miles with packs. That does not seem as entertaining with a wealth of other job prospects.

He who lives by the sword....

[syousef]

Commander: They did what?
Lieutenant: They fell down and started rolling around, keyboards in hand.
Commander: And this was suppose to say what exactly?
Lieutenant: They were gibbering something about he who lives by the keyboard dies by the keyboard. I think they thought it was funny or clever. You have no idea what the men have been dealing with. These geeks have no social skills whatsoever.
Commander: So I've heard....and they absolutely refused to perform that first strike.
Lieutenant: Yes, sir. But it gets worse. They started muttering some inane dialog and sniggering at each other. "Burn the building" and such. We thought they were making threats at first, but then one of them laughed at me for not watching some cult film they all worship. Office Farce or Office Day or something.
Commander: I told them this would never work. Damn geeks.

Okay, but...

[AndGodSed]

how would they control the inner geek urge to hack EVERYTHING?

commanding officer: "Dammit, someone emptied my bank account - AGAIN!"
second in command: "It's those cyber warfare officers, sir, they keep hacking anything connected to the network"
CO: "WELL COMMAND THEM TO STOP DOING IT!"
SCO: "I can't sir, the rerouted all communications through a local brothel..."

In the air force...

[bky1701]

Your pointy-haired boss has a gun.

Re:Yeah, right.

[the grace of R'hllor]

I know I'd not be keen on people smoking pot in my work place either.

Deadbeat != security expert. Get a job and cut your hair, dude.

Re:Barn Door: Already Open

[rale, the]

> How about trying to win PEACE with China instead?

I don't think that's the military's job...

Re:Air Force?

[greyblack]

It's because they use wireless LAN. According to rumours, they have placed a huge order for Apple Airport Extremes.

Watch out kids!

[martin-boundary]

"Join the USAF, you can hack computers all night and sleep all day"

"Woohoo! Where do I sign?"

"Great! Now pack your bags, you're going to Iraq"

"Butbutbut, that's not what I signed up for!"

"Too bad, we need people on the ground in Iraq NOW. That's where you're going."

What will boot camp be like?

[OldManAndTheC++]

Turning raw meat into the cyberwarriors of tomorrow -- the drill sergeant at Fort Ran:

ALL RIGHT YOU MAGGOTS LISTEN UP! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS A PERFECT SPECIMEN OF WELL-MUSCLED MANHOOD, BRIGHT-EYED,
NEATLY DRESSED, AND HIGHLY DISCIPLINED. WELL STARTING TODAY I AM GOING TO TURN YOU ALL INTO SLOVENLY, SARCASTIC,
ANTI-SOCIAL LOSERS! DO YOU HEAR ME SOLDIER??

Sir, Yes sir!

NEVER CALL ME SIR! YOU ARE TO SHOW NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME MAGGOT?!

Sure, whatever dude.

WHAT'S THAT AROUND YOUR NECK SOLDIER??

It's a tie s..., er dude

WELL TAKE IT OFF! YOU WILL WEAR T-SHIRTS AND LOOSE SHORTS AT ALL TIMES! IS THAT CLEAR?

I really don't like people shouting at me.

DAMN RIGHT YOU DON'T. AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE LIKE ME PISSES YOU OFF?

Uh, replace your desktop with a screenshot and then watch you trying to click on it while I snicker from my cubicle?

I THINK WE GOT A REAL GEEK HERE! IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE MAGGOT? A REAL GEEK???

I guess so.

OH YOU GUESS SO? WELL WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU THERE WON'T BE ANY DOUBT! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU WILL BE ABLE
TO LIVE FOR DAYS ON NOTHING BUT JOLT COLA AND DORITOS! YOU WILL LEARN TO LOVE THE WARM GLOW OF YOUR MONITOR
MORE THAN THE LIGHT OF THE SUN! YOU WILL BE ABLE TO WRITE NETWORK PENETRATION CODE IN THE DARK, IN MACHINE CODE,
USING A MAGNETIZED NEEDLE AND A STEADY HAND! YOU...WILL..BE...WARRIORS!! HOO! HOO! HOOOO!

Re:not a bad deal really

[ettlz]

It is weapons training day at military camp. The instructor is running through some of the kit trainees will be using. "OK, moving on. The next weapon I am showing you here can be used to devastating effect --- in the correct hands and under the right circumstances. We call it vmsplice_to_user()..."

Let's hope they're not like these guys...

[Spy der Mann]

http://en.tiraecol.net/modules/comic/comic.php?content_id=223 [tiraecol.net]

Guy: It just arrived in the mail: I've been accepted in the U.S.A.'s Hackers Elite corp...
Other guy: No way!
Guy: Geeze, I'm going to learn so much: Data interception, a darn bunch of encryption... can you imagine the level of the guys attending these lectures?
Other guy: You'd better review your strong encryption knowledge...

(A week later...)

Teacher: And in the window labelled "create nuclear crisis", simply select the country from the drop-down menu...
Student: What's a drop down menu?
Guy: :'(

Re: Yeah, right.

[Black Parrot]

Deadbeat != security expert. Get a job and cut your hair, dude.

Pothead |= deadbeat. Judge results, not style, shitsuck.

Your rebuttal is somewhat weakened by your unfortunate choice of the logical symbol for "entails" to indicate the inequality!

Re:Cyber, huh? Neat!

[value_added]

Just seeing that the name of this new command is the "cyber command" makes me want to run right out and hack a Gibson.

I think the Gibson is scheduled to be replaced. At least if the scene in Breach [wikipedia.org], where the Chris Cooper character storms into the CIA server room and demands that all the equipment be replaced with "mumble mumble Red Hat Linux Enterprise 5! mumble mumble Gigabit! mumble mumble" is any indication.

I expect hackers in the future will be clicking icons on a Gnome desktop. Only the old-timers will remember the days when we used spooky coloured one-character-at-a-time terminals, and performed incredible feats of hackery while being simultaneously threatened by a supervillain and distracted with a blowjob from a supermodel.

Re:Those who join will become killers.

[Majik Sheff]

Must fight... urge... to feed.. troll.....

How the military secures computers

[billstewart]

I used to share a lab with an ex-Navy guy. His basic description of how the different military branches "secure" a computer was like

• The Army sends a bunch of guards armed with automatic weapons to make sure nobody steals the computer.
• The Navy ties the machine down with netting so it won't bounce around during shipping, tightens the screws in the rack, coils the cables neatly and attaches them with cable ties.
• The Air Force cuts a purchase order to buy another one.

Our lab was _much_ neater once Dave got there - plus he did a good job on router ACLs, installing OS patches, etc. :-)

You'd think the NSA would be more involved in this kind of thing, but usually when I hear about people getting funding for cyber warfare boondoggles as opposed to computer security, it's the Air Force.

Re: Those who join will become killers.

[Bloke down the pub]

So if the Mongols come around burning your people's villages and raping their donkeys, you shouldn't take up arms against it?

Well that would make you just as bad as them, wouldn't it - after all, two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm sure they'd listen to reason and realise what jolly bad chaps they are, if you presented your argument in the right way. It's not like they're barbarians or anything, their culture is just as valuable as yours and who are you to judge?

Re:Yeah, right.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's certainly not rational to use performance decreasing drugs during a competition.

Re:At least I know

[Cassius Corodes]

It was obviously a joke - but I'm not faulting you since you probably don't have any experience in humour.

Re:Question for the air force

[piemcfly]

Obligatory good will huntin rant: Why shouldn't I work at the NSA? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot at it. Let's say I'm working at the NSA and somebody puts a code on my desk, something no one else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break, and I'm real happy with myself cause I did my job well. But maybe that code is for the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East, and once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels are hiding. Fifteen hundred people I never met before, never had no problem with get killed. So now the politicians are saying 'Send in the marines to secure the area,' cause they don't give a shit, it's not their kid gettin shot at, just like it wasn't them when their number got called cause they were off pullin a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Soutie over there takin shrapnel in the ass. He comes back to find out that the plant he used to work for got exported to the country he just got back from, and the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass has got his old job cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, my buddy realizes that the only reason why we were over there in the first place was so that we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. So, obviously, the oil companies used the little skirmish to scare up domestic oil prices, a cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helpin my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. So they're takin their sweet time bringin the oil back, of course, maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and frickin play slalom with the icebergs. It ain't too long before he hits one of 'em, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now, my buddy's outta work, he's walkin to all the job interviews, which sucks because the shrapnel in his ass is givin him chronic hemeroids, and he's starvin cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the

Re:Youngster..

[c6gunner]

He said "old-timers", not "petrified fossils".

My Keyboard

[d3m0nCr4t]

My Keyboard (The Creed of a United States Cyber Command)


This is my keyboard.

There are many like it, but this one is MINE.

My keyboard is my best friend. It is my life.

I must master it as I must master my life.

My keyboard without me is useless. Without my keyboard, I am useless.

I must type my keyboard true.

I must type faster than my enemy who is trying to hack me.

I must hack him before he hacks me. I will...

My keyboard and myself know that what counts in war is not the keys we type,

the noise of our modems, nor the trojans we make.

We know it is the hacks that count. We will hack...

My keyboard is human, even as I, because it is my life.

Thus, I will learn it as a brother.

I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories,
its sights, and its barrel.

I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage.

I will keep my keyboard clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready.

We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God I swear this creed.

My keyboard and myself are the defenders of my country.

We are the masters of our enemy.

We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until there is no enemy, but PEACE.

Re:Yeah, right.

[Anonymous Coward]

Somehow I don't think the Air Force is going to be keen on people smoking pot in the command center.

You don't smoke pot in the command center, you smoke pot behind the command center.

At least, that's where we smoked it back in the seventies and early eighties. . .

Re: Yeah, right.

[Oktober Sunset]

Man's finger lands 5mm too far to the left: must be a retard. More at 11.

Re:Yeah, right

[Dr. Cody]

Bullshit! If 10% of geek guys were gay, the Royal Institute of Technology here would be less like a monastery, and more like a seminary.

Re: Yeah, right.

[s74ng3r]

I thought they were smileys! Pothead |= Deadbeat !=

Re:Yeah, right

[Anonymous Coward]

For you "420" types...stay the fuck out of my military.

But go ahead and liquor up every night if you want. No liver testing. Woohoo!

Re:what if?

[Anonymous Coward]

Sure. They send the signal just after the warranty expires.

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:At least I know

[cordsie]

I know the AF isn't the NSA, but plenty of my SINGINT buddies in. . .

I tried being one of them. Couldn't stand the the constant interruptions from the colonel.

Oh wait...

Re: Yeah, right.

[morgan_greywolf]

Probably. Clipper programmers are a bunch of pothead deadbeats.

Re:Youngster..

[Dogtanian]

My dad is in the mid 70's

You mean he wears flared trousers and likes early disco music?

Re: Yeah, right.

[Anonymous Coward]

And so the power of groups on slashdot is proved: deadbeat == French-Canadian

Re: Yeah, right.

[morgan_greywolf]

Heh. Something like that, actually.

But seriously, the guy was a pothead. He even tried to hook me up with his supplier.

Re:Yeah, right

[IndustrialComplex]

And that is why people in the military don't drink.

Re: Yeah, right.

[mattsucks]

I've always blamed Canada.