Back to the Bunker

Oldsmobile writes "On Monday, June 19, about 4,000 government workers representing more than 50 federal agencies will say goodbye to their families and set off for dozens of classified emergency facilities stretching from the Maryland and Virginia suburbs to the foothills of the Alleghenies. They will take to the bunkers in an "evacuation" that sources describe as the largest "continuity of government" exercise ever conducted, a drill intended to prepare the U.S. government for an event even more catastrophic than the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The vast secret operation has updated the duck-and-cover scenarios of the 1950s with state-of-the-art technology -- alerts and updates delivered by pager and PDA, wireless priority service, video teleconferencing, remote backups -- to ensure that "essential" government functions continue undisrupted in an emergency."

...never to be seen again

[Anonymous Coward]

Farewell!

Bright!!! Save the people who are responsible...

[Anonymous Coward]

for the mess to begin with.

Mmmmm... maybe be sure to save the Telephone Sanitizers this time around.

Re:Where are the bunkers to protect Citizens ?

[servognome]

But what about hordes of people who constitute 'the people' in the declaration of independence ?

*sigh* how easily we forget history. Watch those old training films. Hiding under a desk or picnic blanket will provide protection in the event of a nuclear attack.

Continuation of Coffee Breaks and Rude Service

[Lew Payne]

"...to ensure that 'essential' government functions continue undisrupted in an emergency."

So now they're going to practice their coffee breaks, giving rude service to the public and wasting our tax dollars on dubious projects... all from underneath a fortified bunker, to ensure this very fine tradition is not lost in the event of a nuclear attack?

A Waste of Time

[thecitruskid]

The leadership of this country has a wildly overblown sense of self-importance. Even if we were to lose every politician in Washington, we have the largest prison population in the world, a vast pool from which to build a new government.

text messages

[SuperBanana]

The vast secret operation has updated the duck-and-cover scenarios of the 1950s with state-of-the-art technology -- alerts and updates delivered by pager and PDA

RICE_BABY: "LOLZ IN DA BUNKA WHERE U @?"

CHAIN_MAN: "AT DA DOOR OPEN UP LOL"

SHRUB: "B SERIYUS U 2"

BROWNIE: "YEAH U NEVER KNOW WHOS GONNA SEE YER MESSAGES"

WASH_POST: "YEAH LOL IN UR NETWORK READIN YER MESSAGES SEE YOU IN THE PAPERS"

RUMMY: "LOL SEE YOU IN GITMO ALL YOUR RIGHTS ARE BELONG TO ME"

WASH_POST: "OH SHI..."

LIVE Webcam of one of these bunkers ...

[skitheboat]

Complete with lemonade and a 1/2 gallon of Jose Tequila in the "basement bunker" via webcam1 ;) [komar.org]

Re:Where are the bunkers to protect Citizens ?

[Deadstick]

I'm gonna cover my roof with school desks. That's 5/8 inch particle board...nothing goes through that.

rj

Re:Tinfoil hat time!

[DannyO152]

Three thoughts. Glad I'm taking vacation this week. I'll be sure to see Cars on Friday. And, I for one, posthumously welcome our underground bureaucratic overlords.

Just politics, folks!

[__aaclcg7560]

... for an event even more catastrophic than the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

The 2006 mid-term elections?

Hate to rain on the party

[Anonymous Coward]

but the USA PATRIOT Act forbids discussing this in any form.

I am at risk myself because I told you this as discussing what the USA PATRIOT Act forbids is also forbidden.

at least the patent system will live on...

[ofcourseyouare]

"Moreover, since 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, the definition of what constitutes an "essential" government function has been expanded so ridiculously beyond core national security functions -- do we really need patent and trademark processing in the middle of a nuclear holocaust? -- that the term has become meaningless."

Just before the blastwave hits, as I put my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye, my final thought can be "maybe I'll be dead but at least the patent system will live on..."

Re:...never to be seen again

[h4rm0ny]

Hold on... they're "saying goodbye to their families"? Oh, that can't be good for a marriage. "Yes, darling, I'm just practicing for when there's a national disaster and I abandon you to the collapse of civilisation."

My advice - stay in the bunker!

I, for one, am prepared!

[elgee]

I still have my stash I prepared for the Y2K crises.

Mmmm. I think some of this stuff needs to be updated. And all the beer I stashed is long gone.

I for one welcome...

[mrraven]

I for one welcome my unelected shadow government over lords. Permanent marshal law? Mmmmmm donuts. I mean why hold elections for a new government or any of that silly outdated inefficient 18th century human rights crap?

Re:...never to be seen again

[TubeSteak]

Muffley:

You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?

Strangelove:

It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah, dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.

Muffley:

Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes down.

Strangelove:

Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute. Arrrrr! Restrains right arm with left. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years.

Muffley:

But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living?

Strangelove:

No sir... Right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards. Excuse me. Struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a beating from his left.

Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! Right are reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.

Turgidson:

Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

Strangelove:

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

DeSadeski:

I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.

Strangelove:

Thank you, sir.

So with that in mind, what makes you think they don't want to say goodbye to their families?

Re:Where are the bunkers to protect Citizens ?

[Markus Landgren]

Hiding under a desk or picnic blanket will provide protection in the event of a nuclear attack.

Or just go around the corner and down the street [ready.gov].

Re:Tinfoil hat time!

[Anonymous Coward]

I for one, posthumously welcome our underground bureaucratic overlords.

Wouldn't that be underlords?

Re:text messages

[AndroidCat]

BIN-L: WAZZUP!

Re:Tinfoil hat time!

[ruiner13]

"But then, I'd expect them to bring their families with them if they were really expecting something."

Really? I wouldn't put it past any US politician to eat their own young if it would further their political career.

Re:Tinfoil hat time!

[TheGavster]

That's precisely why they would want to bring their family along ...

Re:...never to be seen again

[Thing 1]

Given the religious fundamentalism shown by US leadership, I'm somewhat surprised that this "exercise" wasn't started on June 5, 2006.

Newkyalur holocaust on 6-6-06 would be just so ... fitting for an end, wouldn't it? (Yes, the remake of the Omen is hyping it up.)

But, perhaps our (or their) calendars are off by a few weeks wrt BC/AD. Vacation that week has a nice ring to it.

Re:Tinfoil hat time!

[darkmeridian]

What if there is an asteroid about to hir Earth and the governement knows this and planned a "drill" to evacuate people underground that really isn't a drill. It would save people not on the list from trying to get there :)

Ok, conspiracy theory over!

Dear Ruiner13,

Normally the Agency eliminates conspiracy theorists who happen to get it right, but in this particular case there appears to be no point in doing so.

Enjoy the light show, wear sunscreen, etc.

Yours,
Agent 103181

ROOM 11741
Sublevel C-3A
Undisclosed location,
Virginia, USA

Sweet!

[Comatose51]

"And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills."

No where in there does it say anything about attractiveness to females! 10 women for each man and you don't even have to attractive! Where do I sign up?! Nuclear war now!

Re:I can still see a need...

[delong]

Or better yet, buy some European newspapers, we got a quite more balanced view of the world (which btw. does not only consist of the US, Afghanistan, Iraq and the Iran!)

Are you kidding me? European newspapers don't even try to pretend to be objective and non-partisan. Either you are a total dupe that swallows the Kool-Aid because it conveniently fits your worldview, or you are a total ass.

Re:...never to be seen again

[Gno]

mabye the people are going away beacuse there not the most reliable people eh? Woops we "accidently" "forgot" to turn the oxygen supply on.

Re:...never to be seen again

[fnord_uk]

Ah. The B Ark strategy.