Review: Star Wars Episode III

erikharrison writes "I just watched Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. And it is good. There are lots of things I would like to say about it that I won't, as Slashdot isn't the place. Slashdot is the place to ask two questions, however. 1) How are the special effects and 2)What has Lucas done to the possibly tattered remains of my childhood?" Read on for Harrison's answers to those questions, and for Jamie's quite different impression of the sixth (and final?) Star Wars feature film.

The special effects question is easy: This is quite simply one of the most gorgeous films ever made. Everything is superb. Lucas has an incredible visual sense; he is a truly visual filmmaker, and his images hit home, are beautifully executed, and are technically stunning. Of course, we really and truly expect perfection here from Lucas, so this may not seem like news.

You are deceiving yourself. Lucas has frankly outdone what I thought possible. My jaw was on the floor the entire time.

But what about those tattered remains?

I myself am not a huge Star Wars fan. I enjoy the films, but I wasn't raised on them, didn't see any of them (except Episode II) in the theaters. I was one of those kids who knew Darth Vader was Luke's father before I had heard of Star Wars, because I saw the parodies before I saw the originals.

I will say this now. Episode III proves that "A New Hope" was a mistake. A freak accident of success, because Lucas seems incapable of doing fun action. How he managed to make "A New Hope" a delightful, playful, fundamentally fun movie is beyond me. Because when Episode III starts, it falls flat on its face, continuing the sad attempt in Episode's I and II to make the kind of joyous space opera that, of all six, only "A New Hope" managed to be.

Lucas however, can do myth very, very well. And once Lucas gets around to telling the Myth Of Anakin's Fall, the real story that Episode I and II have been leading to, everything works. Here we have the George Lucas of "The Empire Strikes Back" and "The Return of the Jedi." Hayden Christiansen goes from a pretty (if ineffectual) actor to being the tragic Darth Vader, and you believe. Darth Sidious is the villain that Darth Vader was in the original trilogy. Better perhaps, more sinister. The fall of Anakin is completely and utterly believable. I was shocked. I understood why he fell to the Dark Side. It's called the freakin' Dark Side for goodness sake! How could you freakin' fall?

Because of a tempter. Because of dark dreams. Because of love.

I don't want to spoil anything for those of you who, like me, went in not knowing exactly how it all happened. Some have always known the story, and are just watching it play out; some of us have willfully ignored the spoilers, and waited.

But I will say this for those who do know what happens. When order 66 is given, my breath was taken away. When the final battles occur, I was truly fearful. In other words, he doesn't screw it up.

I'm going to see it again.

---

Jamie also saw Revenge of the Sith, but it doesn't seem like he saw quite the same film. His thoughts:

I heard it might be good, so I tried to like it. I really did. Revenge of the Sith is one of the worst movies I've seen recently. It's Battlefield Earth bad.

It's not just that when Lucas tries to "do" myth he generates a world populated by generics. Nor is it just that the plot is absurdly thin (the movie exists to showcase the galaxy's most complete betrayal ever, brought on by two dreams and a promise from someone who couldn't be more obviously untrustworthy if he were twirling a mustache).

This movie is terrible first, because Lucas writes unbearable dialogue, especially in romantic scenes. And since the motivator is romantic love, we get a lot of bad lines. Remember "I don't like sand"? Episode III one-ups that. The climactic emotional moment, I swear to God, is a rip-off of Homer Simpson.

And second, Hayden Christensen is a lousy actor. There, I said it. Even with the silly script, Ewan McGregor is fine, and Natalie Portman brings life to a few scenes, but Anakin gets not a single believable moment. Even when all he has to do is look sideways, he's more fake than a losing high school forensics team. He's wooden like community-college Acting 101. I could go on.

Best I can say is that Jar-Jar doesn't speak. The special effects are there, and since they cover every square inch of the screen constantly, you will get many per unit time per dollar. If you like that kind of thing, you're going to go see it anyway, so enjoy.

---

Thanks go to erikharrison for his take on the movie.

Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Anonymous Coward]

Seriously, put a robot in the hangar bay, it plugs in, then NETWORK OWNED! you can open any jail cell, tell exactly where the prisoner are, open any door and even control the elevators.

The Empire should look into using firewalls.

My biggest complaint was the timecode

[Anonymous Coward]

Lucas doesn't realize that just because you have new technologies available, they are going to add to the storytelling. So we have new high-resolution timers? That doesn't mean we want to see counters all over the action and getting in the way of the actors faces! We didn't need big counters in the original trilogy. Anyone that paid to see this in a theater must feel terribly deceived.

Re:But where did you watch it?

[91degrees]

Please report to the nearest MPAA reprogramming station!

They closed them all. The MPAA couldn't afford the upkeep because nobody is paying to see movies anymore.

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[null etc.]

Seriously, put a robot in the hangar bay, it plugs in, then NETWORK OWNED! you can open any jail cell, tell exactly where the prisoner are, open any door and even control the elevators.

The Empire should look into using firewalls.

Well, what you forgot is that R2D2 is equipped with buffer overflow exploits that take advantage of Windows -59768 B.C. (remember, it happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far away (but not long ago enough or far away enough to elude Bill Gate's grasp (Ah, so that's how Emperor Palpatine/Bill Gates came into power.)))

Jar jar rocks!

[mok000]

Meese luuvs Jar Jar!!

Not as good as I had hoped

[TripMaster_Monky]

For some reason there is a large timestamp running across the film. I guess Lucas wanted to add an air of suspense with that effect.

Re:Extremes...

[Anonymous Coward]

It was worth the price of admission, a soda and nachos.

Holy crap, it MUST be good.

the tattered remains of your childhood...

[sssmashy]

What has Lucas done to the possibly tattered remains of my childhood?

Yeesh, I'm sick of people bitching that Lucas ruined their childhood fantasies with his subsequent movies.

If a few hours of film constituted the emotional highlight of your childhood, I'd say you have bigger issues to worry about than Lucas or his imaginary universe.

Re:Another great review:

[null etc.]

Yoda does not counsel Luke to break his bonds with Padme.

But Luke never knew his mother!

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Allison Geode]

because it happened long ago and far away. so long ago, and far away, in fact, that their idea of 'network security' is sending two super battle droids to take down whoever is hacking their network.

Re:Dilema with my Young Kids

[Anonymous Coward]

The proper order should be, 4-5-6 and maybe 3.

Re:But where did you watch it?

[F34nor]

That's because all those support copyright are plants by THE MAN, man. Don't you get it, they're listening to everything we do man, it's like a total conspiracy, they're even reading this post man! Oh god they're everywhere...

Re:Death Star

[Glonoinha]

Insiders know that the Death Star you see getting started in Episode III is the one they outsourced. Sixteen years later it was still basically a clusterfuq, way over budget and late as hell but management decided to go live with it, against the protests of the totally skilled local Imperial Base Makers (who claim that the outsource companies don't know a damn thing about building Death Stars.)

Wait until Episode IV to see how well it holds up. Everybody (ie, the local Imperial Base Makers with experience and professional training) knows to put in defenses against snub fighters, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Have Blue]

I think the Empire's problem is more one of physical security. I mean, does anyone ever actually watch the tapes from the holographic cameras all over the Jedi temple or Palpatine's office? Does anyone besides Obi-Wan even know they're there?

It was pretty good ..

[Sandmann]

... I already can't wait for "Revenge of the Seveth".

Sadist!

[GreyyGuy]

It was bad enough before that we had to wait 3 years to find out what happend to Han after he was frozen, but with this schedule, we would have to wait 12 years!

Re:Prepare to be flamed

[ericdano]

No no, they were too busy posting duplicate stories to go see it.

Re:Human physics

[DavidNWelton]

I liked the bit in the opening space shoot em up where R2 kills the bad droid that is latched onto someone's fighter craft, and the dead droid hulk is slowly "blown" backwards and off the spaceship, presumably by "space wind"?

Padme's death

[IsItWashable]

You know that bit where Obi-Wan says "It's like...she's lost the will to live"? She wasn't the only one.

Re:Death Star

[benjaminchoate]

Actually the first 3 death stars were destroyed in episodes 3.3, 3.6 and 3.9 during the wacky adventures of Nimrod Bangalore: Rebel Extroardinaire, and his zany sidekick Jumba-Jumba! Watch as plot holes are patched and everything finally makes sense! This is what you've finally been waiting for!

Death Star Schedule Slippage

[brodin]

Of course it could, it is a government project!

Re:Contradiction

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't know why Lucas had to inject his own contemporary politics into this one, apart from sucking up to the people at Cannes. Doesn't he realize that will seriously harm the experience of 50% of the population who were just expecting a Star Wars movie?

Yeah, it really spoiled it for me when Yoda turned round and said "For the Republicrats do not vote. Strong in the Dark Side they are."

Oh, wait - he didn't. In fact, I don't actually remember a single reference to contemporary politics in the entire fucking movie.

Of course, if you want to read your political affiliations into a kids' story, feel free. If you can see huge similarities between whichever party you support and the Sith, hey, you're welcome to. If the cap fits, right?

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[ocbwilg]

The Empire should look into using firewalls.

I'm willing to at least give them credit for not using WEP though.

Re:Extremes...

[LordRPI]

Only the Sith speak in extremes.

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[null etc.]

Actually, you listed the wrong version of Windows...saying -59768 B.C. is a double negative, like -(-59768) A.D.

It's either -59768 A.D. or it's 59768 B.C.

Hey, bring that up with the marketing folks.

Ok, here's a better one...

[pyrrhonist]

For the uninitiated, the G. Lucas American film series about warfare amongst the stars is a peculiar look at parallel universes and strange creatures interacting with humans in an attempt to secure peace throughout the galaxy. Indeed, this war amongst the stars, or "Star Wars" as it is called, is indeed a film series about love and betrayal, incest and abandonment, good midgets and bad midgets, strange fish creatures with too much power, and robots.

Indeed, this film series (whose art house qualities remind the intellectual filmgoer of the Decalogue in scope, or perhaps a parallel can be best made between Star Wars and the Trois Couleurs Trilogy, in that both series exhibit semi-paradoxical tendencies for the both the surreal and the comic while trying to maintain at least some semblance of the post-modernistic cliche of parallel bereavement and longing for the freudian (or perhaps jungian would be better) other in that the subconscious is always expressed in terms of pseudo-violence, usually directed towards the self but often manifested in the form of senseless destruction against establishment regulation.

It is important to remember this war amongst the stars in these quasi-anthropological terms, for the genesis of such serial work too can have its roots in the experimental (think of the obvious parallels between Return of the Jedi and, say, Man With a Movie Camera). With that in mind, Revenge of the Sith...

...sucks.

Re:Prepare to be flamed

[Golias]

It's either on the beat or off the beat, it's that easy.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes. ;)

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Anonymous Coward]

... Bill Gates came into power.)))

You're a LISP programmer aren't you?

Re:Viewing Order

[foxhound01]

wow, thats the same firing order as the spark plugs in my trucks engine have... but as far as the viewing order, i think i would just omit episode 1 from the list completely and read a review for it.

Re:Offtopic question (sorry...

[Anonymous Coward]

You just used "affect the effect" in a sentence.

I've never seen such poor writing from somebody who knows the correct meaning of both words.

Re:Proper Viewing Order: IV, V, VI, I, II, & I

[Anonymous Coward]

Admittedly, I am looking at the matter from the viewpoint of a person who appreciates "Macbeth" and "Romeo and Juliet" by William Shakespeare.

Is that a light saber I see before me?

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[DA-MAN]

Seriously, put a robot in the hangar bay, it plugs in, then NETWORK OWNED! you can open any jail cell, tell exactly where the prisoner are, open any door and even control the elevators.

If you noticed, all of the robots had a personality (most had more personality than Hayden Christensen). Seems to me like R2 was probably doing social attacks against the computers involved.

"It's only a flesh wound!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Anakin: "Come back here, Obi-Wan, and fight like a man! I'll bite your kneecaps off!"

Re:What is it about Jedi clothing, anyway?

[jamie]

Again, "Sith" borrows a page from The Simpsons:

"Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes."

The Biggest Inconsistancy

[Prien715]

...was not that Leia knew about her mother in Episode 6. If one actually reads the dialogue, he says the following:

LUKE: Leia... do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
LEIA: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.
LUKE: What do you remember?
LEIA: Just...images, really. Feelings.
LUKE: Tell me.
LEIA: She was very beautiful. Kind, but...sad.

So, let's see. Very young. Check. Can't remember words or anything specific. Check. However Obi-wan's dialogue is a bit more problematic:

OBI-WAN: When your father left, he didn't know your mother was pregnant. Your mother and I knew he would find out eventually, but we wanted to keep you both as safe as possible, for as long as possible. So I took you to live with my brother Owen on Tatooine... and your mother took Leia to live as the daughter of Senator Organa, on Alderaan.

Where to begin? How about Anakin knowing very early on and oh how about that bit about Leia taking Leia to Alderaan. Now THAT's a problem.

However, to look at this and see that as the overriding point of the trilogy is to miss the point: the one critical mistake that could've averted Anakin's fall and the empire's rise. He didn't use a condom. If Padme/Anakin had used proper birth control, Luke/Leia wouldn't have been born but more importantly Anakin would have lost his biggest motivation to go to the dark side.

So remember kids, for the sake of the galaxy, use proper contraception.

Re:Extremes...

[TechniMyoko]

Why do driod have to talk amongst each other? They are ROBOTS, couldn't they, you know, wifi it or soemthing?

Thats what I always wondered, ever since hearing a transformer yell out commands to himself

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[ScoLgo]

"It's either -59768 A.D. or it's 59768 B.C."

<pedantic>
In the current earthly year of 2005 A.D., 59768 B.C. equates to -61806 A.D. (give or take ~30 days ;-)
</pedantic>

(Score:-1, Whatever)

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[lordofthechia]

At least the empire isn't as silly as say some other alien races that leave an open wireless port with upload priveleges and complete access to their whole network.

Like they never forsaw a dorky guy flying within range of their unprotected network in an 50 year old ship and taking it all down with a simple upload from an iBook.... Sheesh, who's *that* careless...

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[vsprintf]

Seriously, put a robot in the hangar bay, it plugs in, then NETWORK OWNED! you can open any jail cell, tell exactly where the prisoner are, open any door and even control the elevators.

Ahem. Please try to remember that the story takes place "a long time ago." That was before SP2. Geez, you people with no sense of history slay me.

Re:Extremes...

[bergeron76]

Wow. How important you must think you are.

Good thing you preserved time for posting on Slashdot - a truly valuable use of time.

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Anonymous Coward]

R2 was running Linux.

Re:Dilema with my Young Kids

[lordofthechia]

"the Vader transformation in Ep III would have terrified me for years"

I also found the Vader transformation scene quite horrific, I remember rising from my seat in a stupor shoting "Noooooo!" when I saw it....

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Badfysh]

Because Artoo is a Maintenance Astro Droid...

"Artoo! Why didn't you reroute power to the shields? Now we're all going to die!"

"Beep beep da beep beepity beep"

TRANSLATED

"Because you didn't give me the network password you fucking idiot"

Yoda...

[tsmit]

Anyone notice that, in the star wars movies, like episode 1 and 2, yoda is all bad ass and serious all the time. But in Empire and Jedi, the fucker is like, laughing all the time? Hanging out in a swamp in a hut? I think i figured out what happened. After everything happened with all the jedi dying and shit... yoda started sportin the ganj! It's the only explanation possible. Dude's got a bad case of the munchies when he first meets luke and he's giggling up a fit. I bet it's because he just smoked a bowl!

Re:Is it just me?

[Anonymous Coward]

... all these overanalysed, selfserving reviews ... All these mindnumbingly long reviews are so many wasted electrons to me.

Did you just review the reviews? The recursion is mind numbing...

Re:Prepare to be flamed

[vsprintf]

I thought everyone on Slashdot saw it opening night at midnight.

75% of Slashdotters are not allowed to go out after 9:00 pm.

Of that 75%, half are trying to download it using bittorrent over a dial-up connection. The other half is still trying to shut down adware popups while getting to a warez site.

Of the other 25%, half went to see the movie or plan to. The rest of us will wait a month for the DVD to be released.

I made up all these numbers in case you're still wondering.

Re:How does Eps I-III Alter the Viewing of Eps IV-

[Tink2000]

You know, I was going to do the spelling correction bit, but this -
ends up saving Anakin's sole
is priceless.

"Dad, I caught the fish you lost!"

Re:NOOO

[Anonymous Coward]

I never could take Yoda seriously because he sounded too much like Grover (same muppeteer).

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[swv3752]

You mean R2 is really Mitnick?

Re:the tattered remains of your childhood...

[Trogre]

If you really want to see your childhood memories ruined, go rent the new Thunderbirds movie some time...

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Kesh]

I personally think that, if R2 were given a voice, he'd sound a lot like Marvin from HHGttG. So, when he plugged into the ship's computer, it just shut down out of depression and let him do what he wanted. ;)

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[Moofie]

Authorized intruders are to be bathed, oiled, and brought to my chamber.

Re:Not bad acting

[Anonymous Coward]

the dark side of the force.

Star Wars was Bill's inspiration.

[solprovider]

In a world where nearly everyone uses Windows, the idea of a machine - including a government-owned machine - being totally open to intruders is hardly novel. It is only too believable.

Sorry to disagree, but I think it was the reverse.

It was 1977, and a still impressionable Bill the Nerd saw the original Star Wars and had an epiphany: "So all computer technology must have vulnerabilities!"

That one event explains ActiveX being designed after the vulnerable nature of the Internet was already explicitly obvious, and MSWindows being a security nightmare after various Unixes demonstrated how file access control should work.

The Crimes of Episode III

[JWhitlock]

I liked Episode III, and I like it more the more I look back on it. Yes, the dialog was awful, but the myth makes me keep playing back the plot in my mind. Ep. I and II left little effect on me, but I won't be able to see Darth Vader, Obi Wan, or Yoda in 4,5,6 the same way again.

But still - the worst parts of Episode III for me:

1. Younglings?
2. All this awesome technology, but no birth control?
3. Younglings!?!
4. Are ultra-sounds are part of the dark side? Did she get any pre-natal care at all? Why were twins such a freaking surprise?
5. Four Jedi walk into the Palpatine's chambers, light sabers drawn, and three die with almost no fight at all? Whose uncle got these guys on the Jedi Council?
6. STOP SAYING YOUNGLINGS!!!

Remember Independence Day?!

[zanderredux]

I remember ID4, when the character player by Jeff Goldblum flew into the main ship to spread a computer virus into their network...

The funny thing is that he's using a PowerBook or some other Apple notebook and he issues an ftp command from an Unix shell.

I suppose that Jeff's character, being a hardcore scientist, coded the virus in plain C.

Therefore, the problem isn't that alien technology is so easily owned but that they haven't been able to come up with something better than ftp and vulnerability to buffer overruns!!!!

I just lost faith in extraterrestrial intelligent life by watching that movie....

If only Mace were actually Jules

[mooboy]

Ok, when Mace Windu has Palpatine on the ground:

.. Anakin runs in, shouting "We're not supposed to kill him!"
Mace turns and said "I don't remember askin' you a G@#DAMN thing" - - [Whacks Palpatine]

Or

.. Anakin runs in, shouting "We're not supposed to kill him!"
[Mace whacks Palpatine] , [Big dark force energy explosion]
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about 'not supposed to kill.'"

Re:Why are Spaceships so easily OWNED?

[identity0]

Shit, now you have me imagining a Matrix-esque meeting between the enraged Sith Lord Darth Vader and some donut-chomping McSecurity guard...

Guard: "Please put all metal objects in the tray, and step through the metal detector."
*beep beep beep* *Bzzzrow*(sound of lightsaber being drawn)
Guard: "Oh, shi-* *urk*"
(Vader force-slams guard)
Vader: "Every goddamn day I came here, you made me take off my metal hand, and checked my ID, despite me being the Jedi Knight hero of the republic... did that make you feel good, punk?"
Guard: "ohshitohshitohshitohshit"
Vader: "Hmm, let's see if I can do Obi-Wan's mind tricks. These are not the lightsabers you're looking for."
(Vader force-chokes guard)
Guard: "*Ack*- gasp-"
Vader: "You don't need to see my identification."
Guard: "*Gurgle*...."
*thud*
Vader: "Hmm, I'm not sure it worked. It was fun, though. Goddamn, I love being Sith."

Re:Amputated Hand: Slice of Continuity

[identity0]

Does anyone else think Lucas has a whole Freudian issue with hands and whatnot? I had to stop the urge to cross my legs every time I saw someone getting his hand hacked off in this movie.

Jeezes, George, just go see a counselor or something, don't take out your psychological issues on the audience at the big screen where everyone can watch...

Seriously, does anyone know if there's any symbolism to losing a hand?

**Warning, Spoilers**
A count of who loses hands to who in the Star Wars movies:

New Hope: No one.

Empire: Luke, to Vader

Return of the Jedi: Vader, to luke

Phantom Menace: No one.

Clones: Anakin, to Dooku

Sith: Dooku, to Anakin. Windu, to Anakin. Grievious, to Obi-wan. Anakin, to Obi-wan.

In conclusion, if we ever see a third trilogy, in 7 no one will lose a hand, in 8 Leia will lose a hand, and in 9 half the friggin galaxy will lose a hand.

Balcony rails

[Julian Morrison]

No, they invented that tech, and after long hard lessons discarded it. As Dr. Non Canonical explains: "[balcony rails] are the first step in a civilizational decline that begins with a laudable concern for safety and ends up with 24 hour nannying of adults, and allergy safety labels reading 'contains nuts' on packets of nuts. The result of cosseting the shallow end of the gene pool is that it breeds and expands, quickly overwhelming literacy, sanity, and self responsibility. Entire planets which travelled this route have been lost, upon the demise from loneliness of the last person who knew how to be a nanny rather than require one. While compassion would suggest we protect those stupid enough to step off their own balcony (or off footbridges, etc), hard practical experience says let them fall." (emphasis in original)

Re:How does Eps I-III Alter the Viewing of Eps IV-

[grumbledoak]

I have mod points today. I'd swap them for a tack hammer.