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1970s Star Wars Christmas Special Reviewed
Posted by
CmdrTaco
on Wed Dec 22, 1999 11:55 PM
from the funniest-thing-I've-seen-all-week dept.
from the funniest-thing-I've-seen-all-week dept.
You have got to read this story.
Menoyoda writes "There was a Star Wars holiday special in the 70s that George Lucas would as soon have tossed down a memory hole. But someone, somewhere, taped it and this review was written about it. It involves the holiday antics of the Chewbacca family. Happy Holidays! " This is without a doubt one of the funniest things I have ever read. I am afraid of this footage. I'm gonna have to track down a copy. Nothing can be this bad.
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1970s Star Wars Christmas Special Reviewed
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VIDEO CLIPS!!! (Score:5)
Where to get a copy.... (Score:5)
A Very Wookie Christmas [ebay.com]
Transcript, get your transcript here (Score:5)
BTW, this was posted [memepool.com] on memepool back on December 13, but I guess some people must have missed it.
Re:VIDEO. WANT VIDEO! (Score:4)
I have seen this (Score:5)
Not a good one, mind you.
This is bad. Not Jar-Jar Binks bad. Much, much worse. Apocalyptically bad. There was some debate as to whether it was better or worse than _Manos, the Hands of Fate_. We were mixed on that, but all considered it comparable.
The elements of it don't sound that bad - it was the remarkable execution that made us long for, well, execution. Seeing Chewbacca's family, sounds okay, right? Picture multiple 10-minute segments of unsubtitled wookie dialogue. There's some musical interludes, ala a 70s variety show. Not too bad, right? Well, the highlight was an unremarkable and long Jefferson Starship number. We were treated to Bea Arthur 'singing' in the Cantina (for an extended period of time), a ten minute long Cirque-de-Wookie using the holographic chess type technology from the Falcon, Wookie Porn (I Kid You Not) featuring disco diva Dihann Caroll, and Carrie Fisher on almost enough drugs to enjoy the thing. (She has admitted in interviews later that she was high for the special. You can tell. Easily.)
Wookies grunting. Wookies standing around in ceremonial robes, holding glowing globes. Art Carney. Lots of Art Carney. No visible jokes, of course. Some strange cross-dressed man teaching Chewbacca's wife how to cook Bantha Rump. (I don't have to make this stuff up.) Mark Hamill wearing quite a bit more makeup than Bea Arthur. This show has it all.
And a rancid little cartoon that is the first appearance of Boba Fett, where Han and Luke contract a disease that makes it so that they must be hung upside down, for no discernable reason. It was poorly drawn, confusingly plotted, and the best part of the show.
If you are in a position to see this movie, I strongly urge rethinking your options. It will suck the life force out of you. I would rather watch two hours of Jar-Jar Binks having anal sex with an Ewok than see this special again. I will have nightmares forever about Wookies in my apartment grunting and doing nothing of discernable value all night while I am forced to watch.
Then again, if there really is a Y2K apocalypse, at least it will be an improvement. After all, what's the end of civilization, in the grand scheme of things, compared to the wretchedness of the Star Wars Holiday Special?
Ewoks movie. (Score:3)
Radio plays (Score:3)
Oh, it's all coming back to me now... (Score:5)
Salvage [geocities.com]
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Andy Griffith + Sanford and Son
The Skinny: Imagine Matlock building a spaceship out of junk, flying it to the moon, salvaging space junk and using an ordinary fire extinguisher as a handy thruster for space walks. And yes, no episode was complete without some big-shot NASA official scoffing at Andy's home-spun spacecraft built with home-spun wisdom, only to get showed up at the end. One imagines a young Linus Torvalds watching this show, not conscious of how it will inspire him.
Yogi's Space Race [yesterdayland.com]
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Yogi Bear + Wacky Races/Laff-a-lympics + Disco fever of the same era
The Skinny: It had four segments, the two Star Wars-inspired ones being Space Race, which had the stable of Hanna-Barbera characters racing in space vehicles and Galaxy Goof-Ups, with Yogi and friends as some kind of space police who spent their off-hours goofing off at the local space disco. A cartoony attempt to swipe as much Star Wars momentum as possible -- I distinctly remember one episode where the bad guy was a Darth Vader rip-off assisted by an R2-D2 rip-off. One imagines George Lucas watching Yogi's space adventures and being inspired to create the Ewoks.
Galaxina [desert.net]
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten + The guy from those '70's Doritos commericals
The Skinny: The Infinity is a ship captained by the Doritos guy and maintained by the ultra-vixen android Galaxina, a robot with feelings. The Infinity crew is a randy bunch of sailors (There's a brothel scene in which the crew sing a song called "Porno Patrol" to the tune of "Bridge Over the River Kwai") and eventually Galaxina and a crewmember fall in love. I actually remember a line in which the guy says "Too bad you don't have a you-know-what," to which Galaxina responds "We can order one in the catalog." Kind of like Arthur C. Clarke's "predictions," except for cyberdildonics. One imagines Rick Berman (writer for the post-Shatner Star Trek series, whose hedonistic appetites are legendary among sci-fi fandom) watching this.
Quark [primenet.com]
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Richard Benjamin + Mr. Spock + Mindy's Dad (from Mork and Mindy) + Buck Henry + Sanitation engineering
The Skinny: A sci-fi spoof created by Buck Henry. TV's first "Quark" is not the bar owner from Deep Space Nine, but Richard Benjamin as a garbage scow captain with a nitwit crew. In a tip of the dumpster to Star Trek, the science officer is an emotionless half-human/half-plant being (I remember him saying his species does not kiss, but rather pollenates. I am not making this up). There were a few Star Wars references too, including "The Source," which gave Quark power only if he believed in it, as well as a character named Obeemud, a wookie-like creature who was Quark's boss' side-kick, and a bumbling C3P0-ish android named Andy. If I recall, it never got past a half-dozen shows. This is probably one of Buck Henry's few bombs, but perhaps he was saving his creative energies for other things, such as Saturday Night's Live's "Lord and Lady Douchebag" skit (around the same era, if drug-and-age-addled memory serves). Commentary on science fiction and present-day stuff through a sci-fi lens with unintentionally hilarious results. One imagines a young John Katz watching every episode...twice.
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century [fiveyearmission.com]
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Gil Gerard + Mel Blanc + Skin tight disco outfits
The Skinny: Would you leave your job to play opposite Seven of Nine? Gil Gerard left his job at a chemical engineering firm to play Buck Rogers, Earth's super special agent who often came to the aid of women in skin-tight outfits (this is the future, you know). Upped the cheese factor by getting Gary Coleman to play a child prodigy (a concept that Universal also used in Galactica 1980 with "Doctor Zee"). In later seasons, it tried to be more true to "real" SF with many Asimov references, most notably the character of (gasp) Admiral Asimov. It's the only TV show I recall in which Asimov's Laws of Robotics get metioned. The original formula was so good that Universal Studios recycled it as Knight Rider a few years later -- one imagines a young David Hasselhoff getting his jollies watching this show.
A very painful Carol Burnett show
(for the Tim Conway fan from an earlier posting)
The Formula: Star Wars space hype + Tim Conway + Mark Hammill + Christmas
The Skinny: This is the only one for which I have no proof, but only a vague memory (any help would be appreciated). Santa Claus' sled gets abducted by an evil starship and Tim Conway (playing a Luke Skywalker parody), a "Walkie" and a garbage can-shaped droid (the R2D2 parody) attempt to stop the evil. The lame Star Wars jokes continue until Mark Hammill walks on set, bringing the Force -- the Los Angeles Police Force -- who arrest the actors in the skit for copyright infringement. One imagines a young ESR and RMS watching this, shocked at how Carol Burnett's attempt to modify the Star Wars story was crushed under the bootheel of a proprietary screenplay.
Well, writing this has cured my insomnia. Thank you and good night.
Transcript of Lucas' Apology (Score:5)
A friend of mine at ILM gave me a copy of this tape; she refused to say where it came from or how she got it.
Evidently George Lucas organized a formal dinner party for most of the original Star Wars cast, some time in the last five years (there's no date on the tape). Based on the tone of the conversation, I'm presuming it took place near some major holiday (probably Thanksgiving). The recording quality is rather poor, obviously a product of a single omnidirectional mic located somewhere in the room. Here is as accurate a transcript as I can render:
[General murmurs; a wine glass is rung to get attention.]
Lucas:
"Thank you all very much for coming. It's really wonderful to see you again all at once. Uh, some of you expressed some confusion as to why I asked for this gathering, and to be honest I'm a little apprehensive bringing it up because I'm sure it will cause most of you, if not all of you, to recall a measure of pain.
"This is as much a confession and explanation as it is an apology... So, I better just get right to it. All of you -- or actually I should just say, most of you -- were participants in... A work that we have all tried very hard to forget... Ah, I see you know what I'm talking about, Carrie. [confused murmurs] Yes, the Star Wars Holiday Special. [loud groans, "Oh, no!", etc.] {garbled}, I know, it's... I know it's better forgotten, but... Please, I need to finish this. [silence returns] Thank you; there is a reason this happened and... It's my fault.
"Basically, a few weeks before any of you were contacted about this, I got a phone call from an executive at the network, and he said he had this fabulous idea he wanted to explore. I said, 'What is it?' He said, 'A Star Wars Holiday Special.' ...As I recall, I just sat there in dumbstruck silence, and this idiot rattles on about how great it would be to see a 'slice of life' view of the Star Wars characters.
"Eventually, I found the will to speak again, and said I thought it was the absolute stupidest thing I had ever heard. It was insulting to the characters, it was insulting to the Star Wars universe, and it would be insulting to the viewers' intelligence. I mean, the idea that Thanksgiving or Christmas take place in a completely different galaxy... But this idiot says, 'Oh, no, you don't need to actually call it Thanksgiving or Christmas.' I said, 'Oh, really. So what are we supposed to call it?' He says, 'Well you could call it "Life Day," maybe. Or some holiday celebrated by Wookies.' ...And I sat on the phone with this guy for what must have been an hour, trying to convince him that this was just a dreadful idea, but he absolutely just. Would. Not. Let. Up.
"By this time, I just want to get him off the phone, so I finally said, 'I'll think about it.'
'Could you send me some story treatments?' he said.
'I'll think about it.'
'We'll give you complete creative control; you don't need to worry about that.'
'I'll think about it; I gotta go.' Click. Obviously this guy was new in town, and didn't know that, 'I'll think about it,' means..."
Harrison Ford [maybe; can't really tell]:
"Go away." [laughter]
Lucas: ...So anyway, it's a couple days later... There's a message on my machine from this guy... And this is where I made my mistake. I had just gotten home from darts at the Mayflower, and... I guess I'd had one too many, I don't know, because I found my head flooding with ideas for the absolute worst holiday special imaginable. I mean, the sorts of ideas that are just so unbelievable that they're funny. And pretty soon I was giggling to myself at all the unspeakably ridiculous things I was thinking of...
"Exactly!
"And the next thing I knew, I was at my typewriter, writing it down. I sat down and started to write the most ridiculous, the most preposterous parody of Star Wars I could possibly think of. [laughter] I gave them stupid names; I thought, 'Oh, he's named Chewie, so obviously his family's names are Crunchy and Itchy!' [laughter throughout] I threw in Art Carney, for cryin' out loud; you remember those stupid... Like, the Brady Bunch special where Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett turn up at the door for no reason, I said, 'Okay, who has absolutely no business being here? Art Carney!' I threw in porno... [titters] Hey, you know... I happened to have the TV on, and there was a re-run of 'Maude' playing, and I immediately knew I had to work Bea Arthur into this somehow. And I made her sing! Dear God, I made her sing! [loud laughter]
"Anyway, I was up until about six in the morning enjoying the hell out of myself... I mean, I thought it was absolutely hilarious... Because I knew it was a joke. So I'm still looking it over, giggling like a kid... And the phone rings. At six AM. I pick it up... And it's the idiot again, who obviously doesn't grok time zones.
He says, 'Have you had time to think about it?'
I said, 'Well...'
'Do you have any story treatments?'
"And there I was, at my desk, with the last page of the parody still in the Smith-Corona... And a vindictive thought crossed my mind which to this day I deeply, deeply regret.
I turned back to the phone and, trying not to laugh, said, 'Why, yes I do.' [loud groans, "Oh, shit," etc.]
He says... He says, 'Great! Can I see it?'
I said, 'Sure! Where do I send it?'
"And I made a copy... [more groans] And I sent it off. ["No!!", etc.] And I was certain that once this moron read this piece of dross, he would finally realize this was a deadly stupid idea and drop it. And... So, anyway, I sent it off, and that was the absolute last I heard of it. I never heard from him again, and I thought, great, he figured it out; it's over.
"One day... I've got the TV on... And I see a promo for the Star Wars Holiday Special. And I looked... I can't describe the paralyzing, mortal fear I experienced at that moment. I froze... And I looked, and there was you, and Mark, and Carrie; and from the few fragments they showed, I realized what had happened, and I said, 'Holy fucking shit!'
"And that's when you got that panicked phone call from me, Mark, you remember?"
Mark Hamill:
"Yeah, I remember. The thing was... The thing was that... I don't know if I spoke to the same idiot as you did... [laughter] But he tells me about this special, and I said, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard. But the guy said, 'George Lucas wrote the script, and you're in it.' And I thought, well, if George thinks it's okay, then I guess..."
Lucas:
"Exactly! Exactly! And that was the story you all told me: On the strength of the fact that I wrote the script, you agreed to participate in this spawn of Satan. And that's one of the reasons why I'm so adamant about control over my stories now, because I don't want anything like this to ever happen again..."
Carrie Fisher:
"Why didn't you just kill it? I mean..."
Lucas:
"I tried to. That was the first thing I did; I called up the network and said, 'This is not going to happen,' and they said that the ad space had already been sold, and viewers were already calling in looking forward to it, and cancelling it now was just not possible without a big embarrassing explanation... And I really wasn't sure what to do, I probably should have killed it anyway... But I thought, well, they're going to lose a lot of money, and at that time I didn't realize yet that I could have completely paid them back; and they did think I approved the whole thing since I wrote the 'script', so it's not like they were operating in bad faith...
"And so we reached an agreement where they would air it once, and then it would be destroyed for all eternity. And that's exactly what happened: They aired it, I got the master negatives, I burned them. {garbled} Yes, myself, personally.
And ever since then, I've felt absolutely dreadful that this happened to you... [laughter] That you were made to be part of this private joke gone horribly, horribly wrong... The reason I'm bothering to bring this up at all, apart from wanting to lighten my soul, to the extent that it's possible... This Internet thing seems to be taking off big time, and I have this dark fear that someone who had a Betamax in 1978 who was dumb enough to record this and save it for 20 years is going to dig out their copy, digitize it, and start handing copies around, and the agony will start all over again. So, before that happened, I wanted to get you all together and explain what really happened, and that I hope you can forgive me, and that I'm really, really sorry I did this to you. I just... [appreciative applause]
[END TRANSCRIPT]
Note: The preceding, in it's entirety, is completely, utterly, and in all ways totally fictional, and is nothing more than the product of my furtive imagination.
Schwab