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Shadow Wrought's Journal: Personal this time. 45

Journal by Shadow Wrought
This is by far the most personal thing I've posted, so please forgive me if I have "posters remorse" and delete this before morning.

I have been with my wife for almost 8 years. This July will mark that actual occasion. We dated almost as soon as we met and, on our first long night together spilled our souls to each others. Our vulnerabilities, desires, and thoughts. There was a strong spark there, and we both spoke with deep, deep honesty. Indeed that was the cornerstone of our relationship.

But, things change. There was a good deal of stress from money. From kids. From job. From life. And our relationship suffered. I made many mistakes, as did she. We both tried in our own ways to make it work. But, it was not enough. And, though I know she bears some blame, too, I know deeply, earnestly, and painfully what I did. And, more importantly, what I did not do.

That spark we shared that night is but a memory now. I can't even say when it finally gave way to dark, save that I now know it will not be re-lit. I feel a depth of sadness and loss that can overwhelm to tears, but I also know a lightening of relief: their is, after all, a certain comfort in finality.

Some of you know some of the details, but please know how many more there are, and please respect that I do not want all those details known. Which probably goes without saying since I wouldn't have shared with you otherwise;-)

So for now, life is what it is. We still live together because we can't afford otherwise, albeit in seperate rooms, and it will be some time before we can move apart. But there is no animus, no third party issues, and no vindictiveness between us:there is simply the extinguishing of something that was once bright. Having already lost that, neither of us wants to lose our friendship, either, so we still work on our relationship in many ways, just not beyond friendship.

I have a counselor, and that helps. I have great friendsnin real life, and some pretty kick-ass ones online, too. So I move forward, ever forward. I have a decent computer of my own now, so I want to start acting on all those ideas and stories I had that I was going to work on, "As soon as I have time."

Now I do.
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Personal this time.

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  • Losing the love of your life hurts. Maybe more because she's not the love of your life any more, maybe less. Still, I feel for you.

    • Thanks, there are some times when it seems to make it better and other times it makes it worth. All part of the process I guess. We do still have enough of a connection that I know we will remain good friends, and that does provide enormous comfort.
  • Hurt and worry

    Been there done that.

    It sucks.

    Good for getting professional help early. I left it too long.

    A message of hard won advice - booze is fun but not the answer.

    • Good for getting professional help early. I left it too long.

      Oh yeah, that's actually why we still have the friendship we do. Its helped me quite a bit to work through my emotions and learn how to express myself better.

      A message of hard won advice - booze is fun but not the answer.

      Very much so. My dad has been a recovering alcohol for close to 25 years now. It happened when I was young enough that I became a strict teetotaler throughout high school and college. To the point that anything even r
  • If I can help, please let me know. (I figure I'm local enough I may possibly be of some use.)

    • Thanks, I appreciate that. We should try and do some kind of meetup with area dotters anyway at some point. Maybe with RFM6f9 as below and MH42 or something.
  • I've gone through phases of happy versus seriously unhappy for long periods of time. Best of luck to you. Of course, sometimes luck is what you make of momentary opportunities.

    • Of course, sometimes luck is what you make of momentary opportunities.

      True that. One of my instinctual reactions is to withdraw into a introverted shell, so I am trying very hard to avoid that. Trying to focus on reconnecting with friends and working on some of these projects I've been wanting to do for awhile.
  • But there is no animus, no third party issues, and no vindictiveness between us

    Being married to a woman whose parents separated in the exact opposite of that sentiment, I am very happy for your children.

    I wish you good luck, keep us posted. If separation goes smooth and frienship stays, it can be all for the better.

    • Well, they are my stepsons, and they are 21 and 15 so they're older, but yes we're putting forth considerable effort to not cause them any harm. I do not understand how couples can do that to their kids, frankly. It just seems so selfish, petty, and vindictive. None of which either one of us is or wants to be.

      That's also the kind of thing that stays with you for years. hopefully your wife has been able to deal with things in a constructive manner/

      Thanks for the thoughts, I know that our friendshi
      • I do not understand how couples can do that to their kids, frankly.

        Neither do I, but it is the majority case.... You rarely hear of divorces that go smoothly.

        It just seems so selfish, petty, and vindictive.

        It is selfish and vindictive, but then knowing both my mother in law and my father in law.... that doesn't surprise me. My wife had to endure her whole teenage years that all men were bad, hear all the troubles and issues of her mom and her mom... never listened to her about her worries and troubles.

  • If you don't post any more about it, people will understand.

    Moving forward is good ... it can be painful, but good ...

    Bonne chance.

    • Thank you for the well wishes. I don't know what or when I'll psot, but I think I will set myself a reminder at 6 months and year to post on things. It might be a tad artificial, but it will at least force me to think about things are, were, and hopefully will be.
  • Nobody goes into any phase of life thinking it will end badly. I'm sorry that that's what you're working through.

    I hope that everything in the whole process from here going forward works out in the best way possible, for you, for her and your family.

    • hope that everything in the whole process from here going forward works out in the best way possible, for you, for her and your family.

      Thank you for your thoughts. I think in the long run it will. it'll suck in the near future, but down the road I think it will be a good thing for both of us. It's just those intervening times between Here and There. I'm working on my novella and a serial SciFi story for twitter. In Ballad form. Yeah, I'm going for it: serialized, SciFi poetry with a Fantasy touch.
  • Well, as you can see, plenty of support here. Good luck.
  • I do not know you well enough to make an evaluation, only you and your wife know the exact circumstances of your situation.

    Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:13

    Many husbands would gladly lay down their life for their spouse and children. But they won't take out the trash or change a dirty diaper.

    Marriage is a binding of a man and woman to become a new entity. They are still individuals with their own interests, but their commitment to one another sho

    • Divorce is worse than violence. Divorce is the single most traumatic thing anybody can go through.

      That's why I put commitment, not love, first in my marriage. Love will come and go. Friendship comes and goes. Lust comes and goes. Sparks come and go.

      What is needed for family is commitment and duty. When one partner lacks that, it falls apart.

      • Thank you for coming here and sharing your thoughts. I would disagree with you that divorce is the most traumatic thing that someone can experience, but I really do appreciate having friends who not only have different views, but are willing to share them.

        I appreciate the need for commitment, but I think there also comes a time when that commitment needs to be re-evaluated, and see if it really is the best for both parties. She may have initiated it, but I can see how it will be better for both us. It
        • First of all- with both marriage and divorce, the final act is just society acknowledging what already is. It sounds too late for you, so take what I'm going to say next with the understanding that I'm not trying to change anything.

          Second, divorce as the worst trauma- I got that from my priest, in a recent men's retreat day on crisis. That was the order. Divorce worst, Losing a spouse second, losing a child third, losing a job fourth. EVERYTHING else, even war and murder- came after those four, which de

          • I understand now what you mean by worst trauma. I was thinking you meant in all of life, not just in terms of a relationship. Having worked on a case once win which there were children who were victims of sexual abuse, well, everything else traumatic just doesn't seem to compare to what they endured.

            As for the kids, they are both my stepsons. the odlest is 21 and will be going into Job Corps in the next few months. The youngest is 15 and lives with his dad. We see him once or twice a week and every
            • As for the kids, they are both my stepsons. the odlest is 21 and will be going into Job Corps in the next few months. The youngest is 15 and lives with his dad.

              Then another divorce probably won't hurt them that badly. It's not like they haven't dealt with it before.

              My counselor told me that in his 30+ years, the strongest reconciliations happened after a seperation. That, simply put, the initial relationship was so damaged that it could not be saved; that only through allowing it

              • by ces (119879)

                I'd have a tendency to agree with the counselor on that one. I'm amazed at some of the cases I've heard about.

                I thought my dad and stepmom were going to divorce about 13 years ago. They separated for about a year and were able to work things out with counciling. They're still married today (30 years as of next year).

                • In some ways after that much time its even more impressive that they were able to make it work. There are so many bad habits that take root so readily over the years that make things all the harder. Good for them!
                  • The key to bad habits in another person is always forgiveness. Or at least, so said a book I read over the weekend on parenting kids with SPD (in the chapter on how not to get divorced over a special needs kid's needs taking over the family).

          • Seriously, saying that divorce is worse than losing a child can only come from someone who doesn't have any children. A divorce is something between two adults of which one or both decide to not go on to be married. Losing a child is the eternal hell of self-reproach, of wondering what might have become of him/her.

            There's a passage of a movie I saw that I will never forget. I saw that movie when my oldest was on the way (read: in week 20 or so), and it was supposed to be a documentary of a pregnancy and bir

            • I don't have any children of my own, my dealings with kids have been with my wife's sons. They were 13 and 8 when I met them, and they are now 21 and 16! Even though they are far closer to adult than child, and I do not share bllod with them, I think losing one of them would be much more difficult than what I am going through now.
      • ...speaking as a husband and father of three, I second your stressing of commitment. There are days I could throw my wife out of the window, and there are days when I am the happiest and most in love husband in the world, but no matter which it happens to be, she always is my wife. She was from the moment I first saw her. I'd say this is a different meaning of love than I read from your use of the word, because my love is always there, but you get what I mean, and vice versa.

        The important thing is, no matte

    • I apprecaite the candor in your thoughts, and I am glad that you took the time to share them with me. I fully understand your example, and would offer as well that of the husband who in providing for his family spends so many hours at work that he never sees them.

      I used to be as sure of things as you are now, but I've found that the odler I get, the less absolutes there are. Which isn't necessarily to say that one way is better than another, just that my own perspective has gone from one of strict blac
  • Sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that you two are remaining friends as I am sure that over the course of your marriage you have shared a lot of good and when animosity gets in the way that sort of thing gets forgotten. Seeing a therapist helps a lot, it is good to have someone you can be 100% candid with during a time like this. If you need anything, let me know. Take care, Tammy
    • Thanks I really apprecaite the thoughts. I also sent you an email about the story: it rocks! There are definitely good and bad memories, and I am learning how to enjoy the good memories for what they are without dwelling on their loss. And not letting the bad memories skew my view of how thigns are now. Take care;-)
  • That sucks.

    'Nuf said.

    • Yes, yes it does. But it also far better than many relationships i ahve seen fail. So for that, at least, I'm grateful. Thanks.
  • You have shared a little on this, though this is the first I have seen of things taking this direction. I am very sorry to hear, and you know the number if you need a listening ear.

    • I appreciate that. Its fairly recently that I've seen things for how they are, and not how I would like them to be. Writing this was cathartic in a way because I had to commit to paper, well the Internet, what was going on. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that call either!

      I'm mulling over your JE and am going to reply a little later today when I can compose more in response.
  • I went through this three years ago, but things are a lot better for me now. It may not seem like it right now, but this too shall pass.

    *** Hugs ***

  • ... now that messages are on the front page (or I just found them), I'm late to the party, but allow me to also say "I'm here if you need anything."

    I'm a big believer in marriage, and I hope you've tried counseling with both of you before you (will or already have) hung it up.

    Best of luck. This is a time thing... it'll take time to get through it all, and you never may get through it entirely, but know there are others out there to help you through it.
    • Not late at all;-) We have gone down the therapy path quite extensively, so all efforts really have been made. Time really does make the difference, and I know that we will remain good friends down the road. Thanks for the thoughts.
  • Sorry to hear this. I hope everything works out for the best.

    • Thanks. You have written so many JEs straight from the heart, that I actually thought of you whilst typing. Kind of that it was my turn to cast some light on who I actually am.

The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. -- Ralph Hartley

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