Chapter 4 is online.

Betty dropped by Saturday night for a visit. I'd asked her before I published if she'd proofread it, as she found the two deliberate typos in The Paxil Diaries (which I should publish in book form). She'd been in the middle of two other books and didn't want to take on a third.

"Already published," I said, handing my copy to her. "And sold a few." She opened to the first page and started reading -- and grinning, a good sign.

"What's 'Ezekial'?" she asked.

"A book in the bible."

"There's no book of Ezekial!"

"Yes there is," I said, getting my bible. I showed her.

"How 'bout that?" She said. "I love what I read so far. Most books it takes a chapter or two before I get sucked in, three paragraphs and I have to finish this!"

Wait until she gets to "Stratodoober Madness".

She went home with my copy, signed with the inscription "To my friend with benefits."

Not only are people buying it, it got me laid! I imagine that she's fantasized about writers before...

Chapter Three is online as you read this, but not as I write it; tomorrow is Veteran's day, so I'll be at Felber's tomorrow with my fellow veterans. Probably this afternoon, too.

I got a piece of snail spam that may affect the book. There's an outfit in St Louis that wants to print copies in lots of 50. They're cheaper but that's a lot of cash for me to put up front. I think I'll get in touch and see what they want for 4.5x7 newsprint "pocket book" paperback.

It's today now. Robably commented that he got his copy yesterday, which is strange since he wasn't the first to buy a copy, and I ordered a copy to replace the one I gave Patty before anyone else. And he lives in the UK. My copy came today, so the rest should be delivered in a couple of days. Unless anybody else wants to buy one...

Chapter three adds quite a bit to the draft that was posted at slashdot. You're introduced to Angela Picard, who is an explanation for why the military and sports are so looked down on on Mars. He plays a part in later chapters in the life of one of the main characters.

He isn't all that was added to this chapter.

Chapter Two is online. Unlike chapter one, it was expanded quite a bit and changed quite a bit from the draft that was posted at slashdot.

As of now, there are four copies in existence; Patty has one, one is on its way to me, another is on its way to symbolset and the fourth should be on its way to robably by Monday, since he ordered his two days after I did and I got email notification it had been shipped this morning.

The copies you guys bought may be collector's items in the future, since the cover may not be right, I'll have to see when mine gets here (should be a week or so, probably next Friday or Saturday). Lulu's web site is a PITA but not near as bad as Bowker's.

There will be a chapter a week posted, I've put dates on the chapters in the site index. I may post all of them in April, I haven't made up my mind though.

And speaking of the site, since I have a site now I'm going to post something the beginning of next month that hasn't been on the internet for a decade: the Springfield Fragfest Christmas page in almost all its former glory. The MP3s of a then 11 year old Patty singing "I Saw Mommie Killing Santa Clause" and "Rudolph the Four Legged Stroggie"; various Quake II skins (Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause, Kenny, Camper, NudeChick (you have to hunt for that one. Hint: very bottom of the page) and I think a few others; the Christmas tree made from weapons and armor; lyrics to the Quake Carols.

Unfortunately the javascript is broken, and since it's been ten years since I've done any programming I'm having trouble fixing it. All the javascript does is provide mouseovers on the navigation buttons, and more importantly provide the Squished Sonic animation -- if you hold your mouse over the Strogg on the left, Sonic the Hedgehog is supposed to run out and the Strogg is supposed to try and stomp on him. Unfortunately, I can no longer get it to work. Unfortunate, because folks loved that.

I'll post a link on December 1 and the page will be removed on Boxing Day.

Rather than converting to dumb quotes, I'll just give you a link to the smart quotes version at my web site.

This one is little if any changed from the first draft. Few other chapters are.

Patty was home over the weekend. I'd gotten my copy of Nobots on Halloween, and realized that this was yet another weird coincidence since there's a chapter named "Ghouls" and another one about ghosts. I was reading my book (such a cool feeling!) when she knocked.

I opened the door and she saw the book. "Your book came! Why didn't you tell me?" she said.

"I emailed you."

"I didn't get it."

"Well, I sent it."

"Wow," she said. "My dad wrote a book! And it'd a real book!" she said, holding it out. She looked at the copyright/ISBN page for a few minutes, then the acknowledgements.

"There's a typo."

"Yeah, I saw that as soon as I opened it, too." I'd left the H out of "who" in the mention of her sister, and it had already been corrected. "I found a few more mistakes," I said," the fonts are wrong in a few places, it's Times New Roman instead of Gentium Book Basic. I fixed those, too."

"Fonts?" she said. "I saw some cartoon font when I was flipping through."

"That one is on purpose," I said. "Here, let me find it. Ok," I said, start reading here." "Here" was a few paragraphs above the Venusian nursery rhyme that's changed a LOT from the draft.

She laughed harder than, well, I meant it to be funny but I didn't think it was that funny.

"This is yours," I said. "It's unique, it will be worth money some day. But pick it up tomorrow, I want to finish reading it again."

I'd gotten Into Darkness from Amazon but hadn't watched it. I emailed her when it came and asked if she'd seen it and she said "NO! I'VE BEEN WAITING TO WATCH IT WITH YOU!"

We'd watched the first one at the theater. We watched the second before she went to visit friends; she doesn't get home much. New Star Trek is opposite old Star Trek. Old Star Trek the odd numbered ones sucked. But it didn't suck that bad, it was OK.

She came by the next day and said her goodbyes and left, hugging the book. I fought with Lulu, gave up, and started it as a new project with the corrected PDF.

I didn't get the cover right and there seems no way to correct it. Screw it, I let it go live, ordered a new copy since Patty has mine and fought with Bowker's obstinate website some more. Buying ISBNs is easy, managing them is a pain in the ass.

Today I looked to see if anyone but me had bought any copies, and by George one of you guys did! Whoever you are, thank you very much. You're the first person to ever pay me for writing, and I'm flattered and redundantly thank you again.

You should get your copy about the time I get mine, as they were ordered on the same day. It took more than two weeks for the first one, they'll email you that it shipped and then it's maybe 5 days (that's how it was for me).

Maybe I should just talk to Baen, maybe they'd like it. Self-publishing is a pain in the ass. I just want to write.

It's out and it's flawed. Maybe it will be a collector's item some day. But Nobots the flawed edition is available.

The cover is wrong, the bar code is wrong. But to hell with it, I want to publish this damned book.

The problem I need help with is the submission to the front page, what I have is lame. Help me out here! Here it is...

Slashdot's own "Nobots" is now in print

Nobots isn't a Dice Holdings book, it's a slashdot book. The first chapter written was a response to a comment in a slashdot story way back in 2009. Quite a few chapters were typed directly into slashdot's journal entry. A few were posted before a book became apparent and all of them garnered comments that improved the story, and it became a book. Your book.

Right now you can only get it here at Lulu, which I hope to change because of problems with the cover, the ISBN, and the bar code.

The crude first drafts of its chapters are here at slashdot already, and the final polished versions will be posted in my journal weekly starting next Saturday.

You may find earlier postings at my web site. It's a CC license, free to read. Enjoy!

My copy of Nobots came in the mail today and it looks good. I'd think it was done by a professional if I hadn't written it myself.

The only thing left is a matter of the ISBN. I bought ten of them, and there's nowhere to tell Lulu what the ISBN is. As soon as that matter is cleared up it will be ready to release, I hope in a week or so. I suspect they want to sell me an ISBN, if so I'll have to go with a different printer and it will be a while longer before I loose it.

I would have liked a heavier paper stock, because its 161 pages (42042 words) is only half an inch thick, but what the hell. I'm pricing it at $24.95 for the hardcover. I don't expect to make any best seller lists and in fact will be happy if I make my $350 investment back; I'll have to sell 35 copies for that to happen.

I don't know how long it will be before I release a paperback; I'll have to reformat it for the smaller paper size and will probably have someone else print that. Lulu wants a ridiculous $9 before profit for a paperback, but no sooner than I'd bought ISBNs than I got a snail spam from a printer in St. Louis who wants $3.50 per book in lots of fifty. I guess I should haunt a new book bookstore to see what paperbacks are retailing for these days as it's been a long long time since I've bought a paperback; most of my paperbacks are falling apart (well, they are older than most slashdotters) while my hardcovers are still in great shape. The last couple dozen books I've bought have all been hardcover.

When it is done (in a week, fingers, toes, and eyes crossed) I'll make a journal entry, and the next day will submit it as a /. front page story. After all, it is a slashdot book. I'll be asking you guys to vote it up in the firehose when I do. PLEASE!!!

I'll also start putting the finished version both at my new web site and my slashdot journal, a chapter per week. Most chapters are twice as long and ten times as polished as the draft version I've already posted, but the first chapter has very few, very minor changes. I hope one of you guys will buy a copy and write up a review and submit it to slashdot.

I guess tonight I'll have to go into my domain host's setup page and set up email forwarding to forward mail to my rocketmail address.

I'm excited. I think I'll take it with me to Felbers (leaving as soon as I finish this joint). Patty might be home this weekend, I think I'll give her that first copy that came today.

It's kind of cool having a book with my name on the cover, even though there is as yet only one copy in existence.

Getting Nobots actually in print is almost as much work as writing it was. I guess I'm a publishing company now.

First I had to register the copyright in case I decide to sue somebody. Thirty five bucks.

Then I need an ISBN. One for $125 or ten for $250. I bought ten, knowing I'd need at least three; one for Nobots, one for the Paxil Diaries, and one for the new book that I wish someone would suggest a title for, "Whores in Space" doesn't seem to work for me.

It turns out you need an ISBN for each version; one for hardcover, one for paperback, one for e-pub, one for PDF... sheesh.

And I spent another $25 for a bar code for the first book. I wonder if there's an open source bar code writer? Anybody know?

So they email the ISBNs to me, now I have to attach the title, contents, and cover to the ISBN... damn. Finished the front cover last night, but I still have to finish the copyright page and attach it and the table of contents to the book without changing page numbers, so I'll need to stitch two PDFs together. Damn, how do I do that without sending dead presidents to adobe? I've already blown over three hundred bucks.

So I'm looking at other books' copyright pages for examples, and hmmm... Public email address for someone wanting to rent it commercially... Fuck it, I spent another fifteen bucks to buy mcgrewbooks.com. I posted the cover of Nobots there with a "coming soon".

It really is. I hope...

To someone who is now five years old, it holds no wonder. What's the big deal?

When I was five, such a thing had never been envisioned by anyone.

When I was five, a telephone was a large, heavy, clumsy thing that hung on a wall or sat on a table, tethered to a wall. A phone in one's pocket was a fantasy even ten years later when The Man From Uncle had one like a pen. There was no such thing as the internet; indeed, only multimillion dollar organizations had computers at all, and they weren't networked.

When I was five, a camera, even a small one, was a bulky thing that usually sat in a closet or drawer until a vacation or a birthday party or some other special occasion came along. You would go to the drugstore, buy a few rolls of film, photograph what you wanted, send the film to be developed and photos would come back a week later.

This marvelous device will take a decent picture without film, instantly viewable in color, and can instantly sent to anyone in the entire world.

What's more, when I was five, nobody had sound recorders. Well, almost nobody -- Roger's dad worked at a radio station, and Roger had an old wire recorder that his dad had brought home from work. We were all amazed by it and had all sorts of fun with Roger's fart recorder. Even ten years later, my tape recorder was the size of a cigar box. A good one was the size of a small suitcase.

A movie was something you saw at a theater or on TV, or one a rich family had made of themselves with an eight millimeter film camera; very poor quality picture and no sound, unless you count he sound of the shutter clacking sixteen times a second. The camera and the projector were fairly large and clunky.

This device will make movies, with sound, in 720p (better than TV back when I was five). And send them instantly anywhere in the world.

It contains a library with more books than any one person could read in a lifetime. Read Tale of Two Cities? Just pull this marvelous device from my pocket, there are more books on it than a large metropolitan library (even if they aren't exactly "on" it).

It has the largest encyclopedia ever made. One can look up almost any fact one wishes. Want to read a newspaper? When I was five, someone threw a paper on the porch in the morning, which would be read and discarded. Now, just pull the device from your pocket, and almost every newspaper published is there.

Want to listen to the radio? When I was five there were radios that would fit (albeit not very comfortably) in a shirt pocket. They were full of static and would only pick up stations close by. This device will let me listen to almost any radio station on the planet.

Works of visual art by the great masters, all instantly available.

To a five year old, it's nothing special. These things were always around.

But the five year old is ignorant. The device in my pocket is indeed a wondrous thing. The wondrous things today's five year olds will see are beyond our imagination today, just as the phone in my pocket was something beyond imagination when I was five.

Chapter One
Previously

        Bill shook my hand again and went back to his boat, and the docking retractors retracted the docking mechanism. Or something, I ain't went to college.
                I let him accelerate first, so he would be ahead if he had more trouble. Running on batteries... shit.
                Desire and me didn't bother with a movie. We went straight to bed.
                I woke up before her for once. I took a shit... hey, you wanted everything, right? Started the coffee because the robots really suck at making coffee, and got dressed. I was just taking my first sip whenthe doorbell rang. It was Tammy.
                "Hi, uh Destiny invited me for coffee."
                "Come in. She's still asleep, I'll get you a cup."
                "Thanks."
                "Uh," I said, handing her a cup, "Destiny says you're a psychologist and a, uh I forgot. You're not a whore, you're studying them.."
                "Did destiny tell you that?"
                "She didn't have to. I ain't went to college but I ain't stupid, I can add two and two and get something between three and five. It's obvious."
                "Is it?"
                "Yeah, I wondered how you got the money for a ticket, but shit, you got two doctorates. You ain't gotta look for work."
                "Nope. Want to know about my studies?"
                "Huh?"
                "Jesus, you're a dumbass. I'm studying drug abuse and prostitution and you have two hundred whores on board! Do you want an education, dumbass?"
                I felt like a dumbass. "Yeah, I guess it might help."
                "Here," she said, giving me a small memory chip.
                "What's this?"
                "Just read it. Don't worry, anything you don't understand I can explain."
                Shit, I hate reading. That's one thing where me and Destiny are different, she loves reading. "Well, you had me fooled when I met you."
                She laughed. "I study them, you don't know them at all. Don't let them know they're being studied or the study will be ruined."
                "I'm discrete. Guess I have some studying to do."
                "It'll save you a whole lot of trouble. I have some studying to do myself," Tammy said. "Tell Destiny to drop by when she wakes up. I'll be in the commons."
                "Sure thing," I said. I put the chip in the tablet and started reading.

        After reading for an hour and a half I had to put the tablet down. I was in trouble. No wonder they was paying me so good.
        Most of these girls were abused and sexually molested as children, most of them raised in foster care. Many and maybe most were children of criminal parents; thieves, often very violent. They were the kids society allowed to be ruined for life.
        It was sad. Most of them were droppers. There's a chemical name for drops in Tammy's book but I'd have to look it up.
        These girls hated sex, having a normal sex life was ruined in their childhoods when they were molested and abused. But drops made the whores enjoy getting fucked. Most of them had never had an enjoyable sexual experience until they put a drop in an eye before work.
        There were other psychoaffective (and yeah, I had to look that and lots of other shit up when I read that damned book) stuff. Her book had a lot of other big words like neurotransmitters and I just kind of glossed over them, I ain't went to college or nothing.
        I gathered the whores just stayed really fucked up.
        And the drug was highly addictive physically as well as in worse ways. It made the user the opposite of pissed off when under the influence. When that was taken away, well... it ain't pretty.
        âoeDamn,â I thought, âoeAddiction must be a bitchâ as I got another cup of coffee.
        It seemed I was in for serious trouble.

I just got modded to -1 for calling out a stupid 4channer, and some idiot 4channer wasted all five of his mod points modbombing me.. like it will have any effect whatever. Idiots. Why in the hell do those idiots come to slashdot, to ruin it? Why in the hell do trolls troll? I just don't get it.

I have another chapter ready that I was going to post, but well, the modbombing idiots pissed me off too much. Maybe tomorrow.

I hereby declare war on 4chan. I wish I knew someone who worked at the NSA so I could take that sorry piece of shit off of the internet. Yes, I'm sure the NSA could if they had a reason, but they're no more friends than 4chan is.

Rather than posting a new chapter I'm metamoderating tonight since it's been fucking forever since I've had mod points, it seems that lately way too many people who are NOT nerds are getting mod points.

*calm down, mcgrew*

Chapter One
Previously

        When I got back to my quarters, Destiny said "You should talk to Tammy."
                "Huh? Why?"
                "She's not a simple street hooker, she holds two PhDs, one in anthropology and one in psychology. She was studying the droppers when she got hooked."
                "How the hell could that happen?"
                "I don't know, ask her. "
                "I can't, I was kind of an asshole when I first met her. I had to of course, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it."
                "She likes you, John. She said that's one of the reasons."
                "Huh? She likes me because I was an asshole?"
                "She likes you because you aren't one of the knuckle draggers that would have let her on for a blow job. She said you had a good character, and I told her I wouldn't have been with you if you hadn't.
                "She's really nice, really. I like her. Lets have coffee with her tomorrow."
                "Uh, OK, I guess."
                The doorbell buzzed. "Who is it?" Destiny said.
                "Wild Bill Corpse. Jesus... them whores damned near killed me! But what a way to die!" he said, smiling wider than I'd ever seen anybody smile.
                "Did the robots finish moving the batteries?" he asked.
                "No," I said. "Is anybody but me hungry?"
                Bill grinned even wider. "I just ate! Damn, John, thanks! Hey, can I take a few with me?"
                "Get paper from the company and I'll do anything you want. But not without it, you know that."
                He laughed. "You thought I was serious? Damn, John, I'd never do anything to get you in trouble. Especially after tonight. God! This might be the highlight of my whole life!"
                "It'll be an hour before the robots finish," I said. "Lets eat something, I'm hungry. Come on, Bill, pussy isn't very filling. How about pizza?"
                "I could go for pizza," Desire said. "Bill?"
                "Sure. Got a beer to go along with it?"
                "Yeah, didn't I tell you? Have a beer and take a few cases with you."
                "Damn, John..."
                "Look, Bill, what you did for me on that Jupiter run... you know. I couldn't have a better friend. You could have been ruined but you stuck up for me anyway. Ain't many people I know would do that." I chuckled. "My Mom, um, probably wouldn't."
                A table with a sliced pizza and three beers rolled over to us.
                We talked and laughed and ate pizza and drank beer and had a good time and promised each other to keep in touch.
                Twenty minutes before they were scheduled to finish I went to the pilot room and turned the boats around and started accelerating. We had gravity again, even if it wasn't much gravity.

Chapter One
Previously

        Half of them were practically begging me to have sex with them. Man, if it weren't for Destiny I'd be having a hell of an orgy right now. I hurried through the inspection and got my ass back to my cabin as fast as I could.
                Destiny was sleeping, so I figured I'd go over the inventory list. The maid would be noisy in about ten minutes.
                Right before the noisy damned machine showed up an alarm went off. Damn. DAMN! Fucking whores!
                But this time it wasn't the whores, it was a distress call from another ship. "Knoll, here," I said to the tablet. "How can I help?"
                I didn't know how far away the other boat was but it would probably take at least a minute for the signal to get to it unless it was really close. I laid the tablet down and opened a beer. Hair of the dog, you know. Halfway through the beer I decided to return the favor for Destiny; she was going to want coffee when she woke up, so I made a pot.
                The rackity machine came in and started noisily cleaning. Destiny woke up. "Damn, that thing's noisy," she said. "Do I smell coffee?"
                I handed her a cup and sat down next to her. "Thanks," she said "What do you want to do today..."
                The tablet interrupted her. "Captain Knolls? Is that you, John? Kelly here. Thank God somebody's in range. I'm about thirty light seconds behind you and one of my engines shorted out. It didn't leave enough fuel for me to make the Mars landing. I'm just coasting, so I'm going to be weeks late. Can you spare a couple of batteries?"
                Hey, it was Bill Kelly, an old friend driving one of our company boats. I'd known Kelly for years. "Wild Bill" they'd called him, even though he wasn't very wild at all.
                "Hey, Bill, sorry about your luck. Yeah, of course I can spare a few batteries, you might even have enough charge that you won't be too late. I'll go dead stop for a while so you can catch me."
                "Boat captains sure are busy," Desire said.
                "Sorry, hon."
                I spoke into the tablet again. "Attention passenger and cargo. We will be enduring a short period of weightlessness, so be prepared. Captain Knolls out."
                "I don't think I've ever been weightless before," Desire said.
                I grinned. "Get a barf bag, it upsets some folks' stomachs. I have to go to the pilot room. I'll be back shortly." I kissed her, threw the beer can at the noisy maid and walked to the pilot room.
                It would be a couple of minutes before we were completely weightless. I swung the boat around and lowered the throttle. Gravity slowly went away as I dropped the throttle. The gauges said we were stationary so I killed the motors. Stuff started floating around.
                Shit, I forgot about the coffee. I flew back to my cabin "" and I mean literally, since there was no gravity. Destiny was floating above the couch. I pushed against the doorway towards her. "I like this," she said. "Lets make love, I've never been weightless before."
                "Well, I have, but I never had weightless sex before," I said.
                Having sex in zero G wasn't easy. Gravity makes almost everything easier.
                An hour and a half later my fone buzzed. "John? Bill here, I'm almost at you, can you adjust speed to match?"
                "Yeah, I'll be in the pilot room in a second." I set my fone to the shipwide speakers. "Attention, passenger and cargo. We will be experiencing low gravity shortly and then zero G again, so if you've been floating around with nothing to grab, now's your chance."
                I docked with Bill's ship. He called. "John, you want me to come over?"
                "You bet, old buddy. I ain't seen you in ages!"
                "See you in a minute."
                "I'm going to cargo," I said to Destiny. "Want to come along?"
                "And meet one of your friends? Try to stop me!"
                God, but I'd fallen in love with this woman. If it hadn't been for her the whores would have had me by now.
                We met Bill at the dock. "Bill, meet Destiny. She's, uh, I guess my best friend."
                Bill said "I thought I was your..." and looked at Destiny. "Oh. Damn I'm dumb. Pleased to meet you, Destiny. You hooked up with this guy? I thought astronomers were smart!"
                I laughed. "Fuck you, Bill. Want a beer?"
                "You have beer? I was wondering what you were hauling. I thiught you didn't do cargo runs any more?"
                "Well, this one's different. It ain't your normal cargo."
                "If beer ain't your cargo why do you have beer?"
                "I like beer! I have wine, too."
                "Hell... can you spare some, old buddy?"
                "Sure, I brought plenty. I can spare a few bottles of wine, too."
                Wow, thanks. No wonder I like you so much, you old asshole!" We both laughed. "So," he said, what's your cargo and why are you so rich right now."
                "Whores."
                "Huh?"
                "I'm hauling whores. They gave me a fifty percent bump in pay to haul 'em."
                "Christ, you always get the good assignments! How the hell did you manage this one?"
                "Hell if I know, the fucking CEO himself called me into his office. Scared the shit outta me."
                "you must be livin' right!"
                I laughed. "Me? Damn, Bill, you know me better than that."
                "Uh, 'scuse me, Miss, uh..."
                "Name's Desire, Bill."
                "Uh, can I have a word in private with John?"
                She looked at me and winked. "Sure, Bill." She took off, knowing I'd tell her what happened later.
                "Ok, uh, look, John, I ain't been laid in like forever and you got hookers on board. Uh, you mind if I spend a little money on your boat?"
                "Bill, I am about to make your day. You're gonna get laid and it ain't gonna cost you a penny. These bitches are horny as hell. They'd pay you if they had any money. If you want an orgy, just go to my commons area. Meanwhile, I'll gradually accellerate for a while while those batteries are being moved to your bot and installed, no sense in both of us being late."
                "Damn, buddy," Bill said. "You're the best friend I ever had!"
                I winked at him. "All for the company's bottom line. Make sure that's in your report!"
                "Christ, John, of course!"
                "Look, Bill, have fun with the whores and I'll meet you in my quarters after you get your rocks off."
                Bill owes me! ...and, well, I guess I owe him, too. Maybe the whores will leave me alone for a while, I got Destiny. I don't need no fucking whores. They're just a pain in my ass. I want a raise! Fifty percent more ain't enough to put up with these bitches.
                It would have been a lot different without Destiny. The whores would have probably took over my boat by now.

Previously...

                As I walked back to my cabin I pulled out my phone and hailed the ship's communication stuff. "Attention, ladies," I said. "There has been a fire caused by someone really, really stupid. Pay attention, now. If I catch any open flames whatever, the lady with the fire is locked up 'til we get to Mars. So if you're going to try to make drugs, you damned well better not need fire to do it. And even if you don't use fire if I catch you with drugs you're alone until we get there. So be good."
                As I passed the commons there were two naked women having oral sex with each other. "Hey, you two. Get a room," I growled. What was wrong with these whores?
                They ignored me.
                "You wanna be locked up?"
                "Fuck off, Joe."
                "That's Captain Knoll to you," I said, and pulled out my taser.
                "You're an asshole."
                "Get. Both of you. You're alone the next twenty four hours."
                They weren't paying me enough for this shit. Fucking droppers!
                Well, Destiny would cheer me up, she always did. I was pretty cheerful when I got back.
                "Took you long enough," she said slyly.
                "Oh, them whores," I said. "I had to lock a couple up."
                "What did they do?"
                "They were eating each other, I told 'em to go somewhere else and they told me to fuck off. Look, hon, there's two hundred of them and they act like feral children. They'll take over if I let 'em."
                "Feral?" she grinned.
                "You're rubbing off on me, Brainiac!"
                She giggled. "Here, I got some cheese while you were gone."
                I picked up my glass. "To cheese!"
                She laughed. "I'll drink to that. Want to watch something?"
                "Nah, put on some music and we'll cuddle."
                "Cuddle?"
                "Well, I know where cuddling goes."

                I woke up with the worst hangover I had in years. Damn, that wine. I usually drank beer and I hadn't drank any in a few weeks.
                I didn't want to get out of the spinning bed, but I really had to pee bad. I staggered into the head and peed like forever. I wanted coffee. Damn, I was going to have to make coffee, the robots suck at making coffee. I hate robot coffee.
                I put on a robe and stumbled into the kitchen "" and smelled coffee. It took a few seconds for my hungover eyes that I hadn't really used since I woke up, and in fact maybe I was still asleep to see Destiny and two cups of coffee on the table.
                What a woman!
                "You're not hung over?" I said.
                "Hungover? I'm still drunk."
                I sipped my coffee. "What time is it?"
                The table said "The present time is..."
                "I wasn't talking to you, computer."
                Desire laughed. "I don't know what time it is. Tuesday, maybe?"
                "Computer."
                "Waiting for input."
                Who programs these stupid things, anyway? "What damned time is it?"
                "The damned time is oh eight fifty seven."
                Shit, who programs... SHIT, I got three minutes to get to the pilot room.
                "Shit!" I said. "I'm sorry, honey, I have to run."
                "Shouldn't you put some pants on first?"
                "I'm wearing a robe, I gotta go." I kissed her. "Bye." I ran to the pilot room, coffee mug in hand.
                I got there with two minutes to spare. All the readouts were nominal, which is egghead space talk for "everything is normal." At least, I think that's what it means.
                I went back to my quarters, kissed Destiny, put on some pants, filled my mug back up, and went on the morning inspection while little men with jackhammers were busy inside my head.
                The reduced gravity didn't make my head less light or my stomach less queasy.
                I inspected the passengers' quarters first, since they were up front. Except Tammy's, of course. Passengers deserved privacy.
                After the little incident with the explosion I checked the rooms a little closer than I had been. Yeah, the doors stay locked but who knows what these drug-addled whores know? I couldn't even tell a whore from a real woman, look at Destiny, I thought she was a whore at first, just because she was cargo.
                I'd billited Destiny in the closest cargo quarters to the passengers, but it hadn't mattered since she'd only went there for the takeoff. She's been in my quarters since.
                This was the part I hated. I knocked on the door. Hell, I didn't have to since they were cargo but I don't want to be any more of an asshole than I have to. In some situations you have no choice, you got to be an asshole.
                I'm a boat captain, I'm used to being an asshole. I don't like it, but it's a shitty part of a great job.
                "Who is it and what do you want? I ain't got no drops, bitch."
                "It's Captain Knoll. I'm doing ship inspection. May I come in?"
                "No. Fuck off, asshole."
                "Door, open." The door opened and I went in. She was naked. "I don't have to be polite, dumbass. I just am. I'll skip it from now on if you prefer assholes."
                "I ain't got no drops, bitch."
                Gee, I've been hearing that a lot lately, and usually from one whore to another. "I ain't looking for drops. Just routine, damage or danger of damage."
                "I ain't got no drops, bitch."
                "Whatever."
                As I left for the next apartment two naked whores passed me, laughing. It was the two Thai chicks laughing about the fat blonde whose name I can never remember. Hell, there's two hundred of 'em and I ain't went to college or nothing.
                Lately it had gotten to where the only people on the boat who wore clothes were me, Destiny, and that Tammy girl.
                Nobody else was home, except Kathy and Dawn, who just yelled "come in" when I knocked and kept on playing with each other's pussy while I did my inspection.
                I'd skipped the infirmary and commons, I'd check them when I got back. They were between cargo and passenger quarters.
                Next was the engines, and they never had anything wrong with them. They should keep them in a vacuum, I thought, because I never once found a problem during an inspection and it didn't keep the engines on that Saturn run going.
                That Saturn run... that's why I stopped doing cargo. Lot of good my inspections did there. Jesus, that's a long time to be alone, I almost went crazy. I almost quit, but headquarters said I'd have passenger runs.
                I checked out all of the shit my tablet told me to check out and walked back to the infirmary. Next time I'm on Earth I'm getting a bicycle or something, this is a big damned boat.
                "Hi, Billie."
                "Um, yeah, I am" she said, looking at the IV tube.
                "Don't get too used to it," I said. "You won't be in here long."
                "Well, I guess if I want to get high I'll hurt myself!"
                "Nope, that's up to me. Next time it's naproxin."
                While I was there I got some naproxin myself; my head was still throbbing but my stomach wasn't as bad. Now to inspect the commons.
                The commons area was huge, an eighth the size of the entire passengers deck with a full automated kitchen.
                It was full of naked whores.

I'd brought a bottle of wine from the storeroom and almost dropped it. "Destiny! Oh God, no! Not you!"
                "Huh?" she said with a concerned look on her face. "What's wrong, John?"
                "What's wrong? You're a dropper! Oh, God"¦" I was devastated.
                She looked at the dropper and laughed. "These aren't angel tears, silly, they're antibiotics."
                "Antibiotics? What, you got pinkeye?"
                She laughed. "Don't worry, I don't have any diseases. I had lens implants put in my eyes before we left. I have to put these in my eyes once a week for six months. It was three times a day for the first week and once a day for the first month. It's just to prevent infection."
                "Why did you have to get Implants?"
                "I was nearsighted, my vision was 20/40. I had a little astigmatism, too. These new lenses are great, they're like having strong binoculars and a built in microscope. I never would have believed how sharp and clear everything would be. I can see a blood cell, and the doctor said I should be able to see Earth's moon from Mars if the planets' orbits are close."
                "Wow. Did it hurt?"
                "Did what hurt?"
                "The surgery."
                "No, it's painless. You don't feel a thing."
                "Still," I said, "I'd have just worn contacts rather than let somebody stick needles in my eyes."
                "Well, I used to wear them but they said they'd get in the way on Mars. And I can see so good now"¦ I'm really glad I had the procedure."
                Procedure. Folks who went to college talk like that.
                "Is that for me?" she said, looking at the wine.
                "It's for us. Got a screw and glasses?"
                "Robot, screw and glasses" she said. A square box with rounded corners wheeled across the room with two wine glasses sitting on top of it. I set the bottle on it and the thing opened and poured the wine. I started to take a sip.
                "You have to let it breathe," she said.
                "I gotta what?"
                She laughed. "Let it sit for a couple of minutes. It'll taste better."
                "You never did tell me why you were going to Mars," I said.
                "I'm an astronomer. There's too much light on Earth, there hasn't been a useful telescope there for a century. So it was the moon or Mars, and they have plenty of people on the moon. Mars isn't just short of women, it's short of everything. Almost everybody there is a scientist; there's no unemployment on Mars at all. It needs more robots, too. It needs more everything. It's a real frontier, I think it's really exciting, like an adventure."
                Adventure? It was old hat to me. I'd made the Mars trip lots of times. Now Saturn, that was an adventure. I'd been on my way back from Titan one trip and the damned engines quit and the robots couldn't fix them. I had to wait six damned months for a tow tug and I'd almost made it home when the boat crapped out on me.
                Mars was usually a six month trip, but it was on the opposite side of the sun and we were going to be gone a year and a half. That's a long time to put up with dropless whores.
                Destiny raised her glass. "To Mars!" she said.
                "Nah," I replied. "To us."
                She smiled. "I'll drink to that!"
        An alarm went off. It never fails. I grabbed my tablet.
                Shit, a fire.
                "Shit!" I said. "A fire! Oh, hell!" I took off running toward the burning cabin. I heard screams as I approached the door, and the screams abruptly stopped.
                The door wouldn't open. "Computer," I said to the tablet. "Open that damned door, there's someone in there that's hurt."
                "Unable to comply," it said.
                "Reason?"
                "Danger to the ship and cargo, crew, and passenger."
                "GOD DAMN IT!" I yelled. "There's a woman dying in there."
                "Containment in approximately two minutes." This must be a bad one for the automatic suppression to take hold "" but of course, since the cabin was occupied it couldn't just let all the air out like if the engine room had caught fire.
                A cot rolled up behind me and the door opened, air rushing into the smoke-filled quarters, its pressure already lowered but not enough to harm a person. The cot lifted the woman, who I recognized as the Billie whore, on itself. It put a mask over her face and a needle in her arm and left for the infirmary.
                I walked around and saw what caused the fire "" the stupid whore was trying to make an ancient drug called "methamphetamine". Even on Earth making that shit is dangerous, in space it's a fucking crazy menace. I guessed that since she couldn't get angel tears she figured she'd make a substitute, as if all drugs were alike or something. Dumb whore.
                My phone buzzed; it was Destiny. "Is everything OK?"
                "Yeah, sugar, just one of those stupid whores trying to get high. Blew up her quarters and burned herself up pretty good."
                I went outside. As soon as I closed the door I could hear the smoky air being blown out to space. Maids were already waiting outside the door to clean up the mess. I started walking back home. A dozen whores were coming down the hallway towards me. "What's going on?"
                "Billie blew herself up trying to make drugs," I said. "I catch anybody else doing that and they're in deep shit. Now excuse me."
                "Wait! Is she OK?"
                It was that one broad, the one that was fighting with Billie the first week. Apparently they'd not only made up, but were lovers. Lesbian hookers? That don't make no sense to me, but I ain't went to college. The bunch of them went on to the infirmary and I went back to drink some wine with Destiny.

I'd been with Desire for a month and a half now. We were talking over coffee before I had to go to work.
                Yeah, my job is work. I have to go to the pilot room and make sure we weren't going the wrong way, then I have to inspect the whole ship, and I have a pretty big boat. You think the people part is big? It's tiny. Yeah, the cabins are like apartments but storage and machinery takes up ninety percent of boats.
                And I had to inspect all of it except the passenger quarters, and I only had one passenger. Twice a day. It's a lot of walking, believe me. Even though we only have three quarters gravity; we get the gravity from acceleration. When we get more than halfway there the boat will turn around and we'll have Mars gravity until we get there.
                Anyway, I asked her if she was really going to be a hooker. She giggled. "You're not going to turn me in to the company, are you?"
                Shit. "Uh, what? I mean, turn you in for what?"
                "You'll keep it a secret? If you can't we're done."
                Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit.
                "Yeah." Sweat was running down my cheek.
                "Ok, John, I have no intention of becoming a hooker. I just signed up because it was the cheapest way to get to Mars."
                "But your contract..."
                "Cheaper to break than buying passage. I have a pretty good lawyer, John. She teaches me stuff."
                "Well, OK" I said. "As long as nobody knows, I don't know. Kinda wish you hadn't told me."
                "I don't want to keep secrets from you, John. I think I'm in love."
                "Lets get married!"
                "Lets take it a little slower, OK, John?"
                "I guess," I said. "Better go to work."
                "See you, lover," she said, kissing me. God but I liked this woman.
                The pilot room was close to the Captain's quarters, of course. Hah! Captain! My crew were a bunch of robots and other machines, I only had one passenger and my cargo was whores.
                Shit.
                While I was walking through the boat I heard cats. What the hell? There weren't supposed to be any cats in my boat, but it sounded like two of them were in here fighting. I ran toward the sound, which was coming from the Commons.
                It wasn't cats. It was Lek and Lek, two whores from Thailand. Lek could talk English OK but Lek only spoke pidgin Englist. Wouldn't you know it, two people from the same country with the same names. I couldn't pronounce either of their last names.
                And they were in the throes of violence. Lek punched Lek so hard she flew all the way across the room and hit a wall. It was like some of the ancient 20th century movies me and Desire like to watch. Of course, those movies were silly and the boat's at low gravity. So it looked really silly when that whore knocked the other whore across the room.
                I'd talked to Lek before, the one who spoke English pretty good. It seems that in Thailand, prostitutes are revered for their service to humanity. I'm sure all those horny guys on Mars will agree wholeheartedly.
                I think she's full of shit.
                "OK," I said, "What the hell is this all about?"
                "I don't know," said the semi-fluent one. "She just attacked me!"
                "You drops! Me ow!" the other one said.
                "She thinks I have drops and she wants some. I guess she ran out."
                Uh, Oh. "There are drops on my boat?"
                "You stupid? Chai. O'course, Everybody got 'em."
                "You?"
                She laughed. "Come find 'em," she said with that twinkle in her eye that, well, I saw in most of them when they boarded.
                I gave the less fluent Lek an hour of confinement. Kids, you gotta ground 'em sometimes. I didn't have a clue what to do about the drops. I should have went to college.
                I went and inspected the engines... shit, I had no idea how they worked but I was supposed to inspect them? OK, just follow the checklist on my tablet and I don't have to have a clue.
                        A robot was working on one, and I noted it. Standard procedure. Even though there's always a robot working on one, seems like.
                I was still chuckling about the Thai chick flying across the room in the boat's reduced gravity. We could do one G but the bean counters say it would cost too much, so I fly 'em like they tell me to. Times like that I'm glad gravity is reduced, that was hilarious!
                See, they tell me the gravity is from propulsion, we're always burning fuel. Or acceleration or something, I ain't never went to college.
                I walked back to our quarters. I opened the door -- and saw her with an eyedropper.
                SHIT!!!