Catch up on stories from the past week (and beyond) at the Slashdot story archive

 


Forgot your password?
Close
typodupeerror
SuSE

Journal Em Emalb's Journal: Ask Em Emalb 101

Journal by Em Emalb

Its time once again for Ask Em Emalb.

So, ask your questions and I'll do my best to answer, in the only manner I know how.

(I'm hoping to get near 5000 total posts today, so fire away)

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Ask Em Emalb More

Ask Em Emalb

Comments Filter:
  • Why do people get pissy if you ad lib instead of going by the Life Script? Why aren't people more tolerant of other's decisions that do not concern them?
    • People like to hate on other people, SW. Its just the way things are.

      Don't worry about these people, they live sad, pathetic existences, and try to bring you down to their level. Keep doing your thing.
  • Can I be the person who throws the question into Google, posts the URL and calls the questioner a lazy moron without bothering to see whether the query returned anything useful?

    Or is that just Ask Slashdot?

  • OK (Score:2)

    by Mantorp ( 142371 )
    is the best defense always a good offense?
    • Dude, have you learned nothing from the super steelers of the 70s?!?! Offense buys tickets, defense wins championships.

      Umm... em was supposed to answer that, wasn't he?

      Em... what's a "Man's meal? And what do I have to avoid eating to not be seen as a 'pansey'?"
      • Em... what's a "Man's meal? And what do I have to avoid eating to not be seen as a 'pansey'?"

        First, a real man can eat anything, mainly because they don't really care if someone sees them as "not manly".

        However, if you are in the company of such people who would make disparaging remarks based on the food you are eating, there are several meals you can eat to avoid this situation all together.

        Steak
        Ribs
        BBQ Pork
        Chili
        Fried ANYTHING
        Grilled ANYTHING, except fruit or vegetables...unless said vegetables are ske
    • Assumptions:

      You are referring to a game, not a life event.

      In games, many times a great offense can beat a great defense, however, a good offense (your word, not mine) will usually not beat a good defense.

      Exhibit A: 1985 Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears. Greatest defense in the history of football, and as such, proved that even a great offense cannot beat a truly awesome defense.

      So, the best defense is no always a good offense.
      • Which is why you are supposed to launch your good offense before they have the time to establish thier good defense. And hit them with the kitchen sink. Twice.
  • I have an aluminum and wood angelfish that I made in seventh grade Industrial Arts, about 34 years ago. Should I hang it on the wall of my office?
    • Does it go with the decor of the office as it stands now?

      Does it have sentimental or conversational value?

      Do you care what others might think of your art you made 34 years ago?

      If the answer to any of these questions is no, then by all means, hang that bad boy up! Its art. People have differing tastes, and IMO, if it clashes, that's even better. If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, then you must hang it up and then post pictures of it.

      It just occured to me that you may be referring to a
  • DR. UBUGU of Chad just sent me an email saying that he's got $170,000,000USD that he needs help getting out of the country. I don't have the required paperwork to help him, but I'm sure if we team up we can split the money laundering commission [frontalot.com].

    Oh, and, try to keep this a secret. You know, just between us.
    • trmj,

      This is simply not possible for me at this time, as I have already arranged my future retirement money via my good friend, Reverend Mogutszi Blamalamadingdong. I am sorry I am unable to accept your generous offer, however, it would be dishonest of me.
  • Should I post a question or stay out of the discussion and use my mod points for what are sure to be some gems in this thread?

    oh, wait......
    • Should I post a question or stay out of the discussion and use my mod points for what are sure to be some gems in this thread?

      Feel free to do whatever you would like, however, my stance on mod points are use them for people who would more likely need them than the posters in this thread. Might I suggest you ebay them?
  • Are you happy?
    • Without more information, an answer cannot really be given.

      Am I happy in a general sense? Sure. Things could be a lot worse.

      I've got a loving wife, a nice house, food, water, and clothing.

      I make a pretty decent salary. I have good friends, and I do interesting things.

      So yes, compared to some, I am very happy, and very lucky. Compared to others, no, I am not happy at all, and if they were in my shoes they might contemplate suicide. But for me, yeah, life is pretty good.

      Are you happy?
      • That's a good answer, and it is good to hear.

        Are you happy?

        Not particularly. I suffer from depression. Even though I know my life is probably of above average quality, I am still unable to maintain active happiness for very long.

        I have genuine friends & family that care about me and accept me for what I am, despite rampant eccentricities and abandonment of faith. (I was surprised about familial acceptance once that information became publicly available to my kin-folk that I did not believe the reli
  • How do I get Yak urine out of argyle socks?
    • Duh... CheezWhiz
    • Yak urine is a toughy. I'm gonna need more information.

      What color are your argyle socks? Where is the stain? Based on the limited information I have been given, I'd recommend a good ole fashioned presoak or a vigourous rub with a stain stick on the offending area, then toss in the washer with like colors. For drying, use the tumble dry low setting.

      Also, and this is just an idea, you might want to consider house training the yak. Yaks are fairly intelligent animals, considering they are basically furr
  • What is up with ties? They have to be one of the silliest fashion statements out there, but they are a part of *formal* dress. A creavat I can understand (in an 18th century kind of way), a collar pin I can understand (for any time beyond that). How we wound up with ties as a standard is beyond me.

    How do you get those annoying hanger bumps out of sweaters?

    How do you like your oatmeal and have you tried the Irish/Scottish steal cut oats?

    If you had a Fish Tank, what fish would you put in it?
    • Ties, as I understand it, became fashionable back when English royalty were busy banging each other all the time and produced mentally challenged offspring.

      They would prop up their mentally challenged offspring at the dinner table and let them drool. Of course, this sickened the royalty who were lucky enough to not be mentally challenged, so they fashioned bibs and placed them around their necks so they would drool onto that instead of their food.

      Lesser nobles, not knowing any better, and being the sycho

      • Oh, you missed the oatmeal question.

        And for the fish tank, lets say you have a 150 gallon. It can be salt or fresh, your choice.
        • Oatmeal: while I don't eat oatmeal very often, usually I add a little milk and sugar to it.

          I have no tried the other breakfast meal you described. I will have to give it a go.

          150 gal fish tank....I'd go with fresh water, just to be different. Everyone with a large tank like this has salt water. So be different. Also, is this tank going to be prominently displayed? If so, unusual fish, luminescent fish, and unique sea life such as urchins, eels, etc, should be a go.

          What do you have in your tank now?
  • I am pretty cool; don't you think?
    • Dear Ellem,

      Cool is relative. I would imagine that your temperature is around 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. As such, and relative to most things, you are not cool.

      However, the sun's average temperature at its core is around 15million degrees Celsius.

      So, to put it succinctly, you are almost unconceivably cooler than the sun.
  • Do you like black ink or blue ink?

    Why?

    Also, what is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?

    Sincerely,
    Confused in Chicago

    P.S. We love you in Chicago. Will you mail us an autographed picture? (anyone will do--preferably Sean Connery.)
    • black ink for official documents, as it is the government standard. For pure aesthetic purposes, I recommend a nice royal blue ink.

      More important than the ink is the appeal to your fingers and eye of the pen you are writing with. Life is too short to use a $.18 bic. Buy a nice pen and use it. You'll appreciate it.

      A laden swallow would depend on what the swallow is laden with. Even an African swallow cannot fly very fast with a bowling ball attached to its legs. Unladen, swallows can reach airspeeds
      • Do falcons eat swallows? When the falcon grabs it's prey, it becomes laden -- does it become unladen as soon as it has eaten it even though the total weight is still the same as when it was laden?
        • Falcons have been known to eat swallows. When the falcon grabs its prey, it does indeed become laden. However, once it eats its prey, it is once again unladen. This is because of the definition of the word laden.

          laden Audio pronunciation of "laden" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ldn)
          v.

          A past participle of lade.

          adj.

          1. Weighed down with a load; heavy: "the warmish air, laden with the rains of those thousands of miles of western sea" (Hilaire Belloc).

          Since it is not carrying a load (in the techn
          • Does "weighed down with" mean "carrying"?

            I have definitely had experiences where I felt more weighed down by eating something than by carrying it.
  • Mr. Emalb,

    I have a 2 part question. First, I recently noticed that 50% of my 401K is in my company's stock. So, I really need to diversify, and quick! Any suggestions?

    Secondly, should you ever take stock advice from a complete stranger on the internet?

    Thanks and regards,
    nee

    • First, congrats for preparing for your future, just by doing this you are much farther along than 60% of the adult population in the US.

      That said, you most definitely need to diversify.

      An approach that has suited me quite well as of late is to split the stocks across a broad spectrum, for example, I have around 25% of my 401k going to the Nasdaq general funds for large, midcap, and smallcap companies. By doing this, I ensure that I am not limiting myself to a single spectrum. If one sector (like tech) t
    • (no, really)

      1. Yes, you need to diversify. I suggest RW's Disappearing Rum Fund(r). Failing that, em gave some good advice. Whatever you do, make sure you put in at least what your company will match (uhm...100% return. Nice.) As for funds held IN the 401K, you don't mention what options are available. IF you have a choice of mutual funds, I would advise to split your funds among the more aggressive options available. Unless you have a lot of money to spread around and/or nerves of steel, (or have solid ins

      • After doing a little research this afternoon, I did change up my 401K investments. They were split evenly between my company stock and just a money market account. My company matches up to 5%, so that is what I am currently contributing each pay period.

        I am now contributing 25% to a Large Cap domestic equity mutual fund (DODGX). I believe this one is a pretty agpressive one, at least I think so. It invests in companies that appear to be temporarily undervalued by the stock market but have a favorable outl

  • Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

    ....Bethanie....
    • Just like me, they long to be, close to Em! *I* can even answer that one and I don't have a degree in BS like Em does! :)
    • I was unaware of this phenomenon, but it might explain why there are several dead sparrows on the ground below my 6th floor window. I have heard quite a few bumps on the glass. I thought it was trash being littered by the less than successful pan handlers near the Marta station.

      It may also have to do with the fact that I always carry popcorn with me. Birds love popcorn.
    • Who put the bomp in the bomp-bah-bomp-bah-bomp?
      Who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?
      Who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?
      Who put the dip in the dip-da-dip-da-dip?
      Who was that man?

      -Ab

      ps. Can you show me the way to the next whiskey bar? Not if it's Sunday! HA! I kill me! :)
  • Ninja Pirates or Cyber Ditka?
    • I would have to say Cyber Ditka. Ninja pirates are not very effective on land, and since Cyber Ditka is electronic, he is capable of ruining the Ninja pirate's navigation system with a few well placed key strokes.

      Also, since he's electronic, he can store copies of himself on every internet connected computer in the world, thus making himself immensely powerful.

      Yes, in an easy walk, Cyber Ditka destroys the Ninja Pirates.
  • Em
    My eldest brother molested an Israeli boychild using an electric whisk and a harpoon. Should I inform the authorities of his dastardly deed, or bribe a burly Northerner to pummel his honky ass black? Your guidance on this matter would be very much appreciated!
    • A few questions for you:

      What age was this Israeli boychild? The age of consent in Israel is 16, however, for male to male relations, it is 18. A little clarification is needed.

      If I were in your shoes, I would have either tried to stop the violation of his person with said harpoon and electric whisk, shot your brother, or reported him to the authorities. It also depends on which country this act occured in. In various parts of the middle east, molestation is punishable with death.

      I do not feel you sho

  • Does God have teeth?

    • Not only does God have teeth, but he brushes them and flosses as well.

      I have it on good authority God was a successful dentist prior to becoming a Supreme Being.

      A good question that I am unable to obtain the answer to is How many teeth does He have?

      I am still researching this one. Assuming I have lived well enough to meet Him when I die, I will report my findings to you.
  • Left or right?
    • left.

      An interesting tidbit. I am left handed, but accordng to a somewhat shady/yet only authoritative writing I could find on the subject, right handers are taking over the world.

      Right handers live longer, write better, and are on average about 80% of the population...of the world.

      So, being a minority, I have to say left.

      Another good saying for you to remember: righty, tighty, lefty, loosey.
  • Who was the albino Vicar of Altarnum?
  • Do you like nicknames? (Especially cutsie cuddly ones) Are you man enough to handle them? :) Smooch
    • I don't really like nicknames, even if they are not cutsie cuddly ones.

      Mainly, because if I had wanted a nickname I would have used that as my handle instead of Em Emalb.

      However, I assume that this will make you feel like you have free reign to give me a simpering unfunny nickname...feel free to do so.

      Is this a correct statement?
  • What has a shady glen on its steep steep side?
    • Quite a few buildings and establishments in Ireland, England and various other places in western Europe.

      If you are looking for one in particular, I am afraid I cannot help you.
  • Who, aided by Anne Turner, poisoned Sir Thomas Overbury with an enema of mercury sublimate in the Tower of London?
  • Which of Aesop's fables encourages presaltation inspection?
  • Which is the World's fastest running insect?
    • I was curious about this one:

      Australian tiger beetles, genus Cicindela, subgenus Rivacindela, (Coleoptera: Cicindelidae) are the fastest running insects known. The fastest, Cicindela hudsoni, can run 2.5 meters per second (5.6 miles per hour).

      And now we know.
  • In our modern lives, true silence is rare; yet, having the space and time to relax, reflect and just "be" is essential to our well-being. It nourishes our spirits. The practice of silence is a simple way to recharge our batteries. It's also a path to reveal inherent serenity, our real sources of strength, and to nourish our truest potential. Silence enables us to see and undo the knots of tension and sorrow we normally live with but don't give attention to. Where can one achive such silence?
    • As of right now, the only place I can think of where we can achieve utter silence is space.

      I have considered various places on earth, but even if the surroundings are extremely quiet, sound waves will still bounce against your ears, causing the silence to be broken.

      Since there is no sound in space, this is my answer.

      Hope this helps.
  • Why do I have a headache?
    • Because you are spending too much time trying to stump me with trivial questions? :)

      It could be.

      Where is the headache? Pollen is bad this time of year, perhaps you should see an allergist.

      Or, if it is a common headache, drink plenty of water, get some sleep, stop cavorting with easy loose women, and take two tylenol. :)

      (This two minute wait is really starting to irritate me)
  • Is the world going to end soon? Will we have Em's polls in heaven? Is hell nothing but an endless source of 503 errors?
    • Is the world going to end soon?

      The world itself will be around for quite a long time assuming we don't nuke it to smithereens. However, will the world end as we know it? I believe everyday we are slipping further and further into a baseless society. As such, yes, the world as we know it will cease to exist. Only the strong and brave will venture out into the wasteland that used to be our cities and towns. Barren tracks of land will be patrolled by a vicious, carnivorous wolf-chihuahua hybrid that has
  • How can I self-actualize and motivate my ass? Our deadline was a week and a half ago, but I can't seem to get off slashdot!

    Also, do my co-workers respect me?

    concerned, in Rockville
    • The first step is to realize there is no "self-actualizing". You either do or don't do. As Yoda said, do it, you lazy bastard.
      Motivation will come in the form of you wanting some material goods. As such, you will require money to pay for it. Hence the job you are currently slacking off at.

      Get back on track, manage your time better, and get the hell off of slashdot!

      Or, you could dump all your liquid assets into cloning technology and get a MekkaC to do the work for you.

      You co-workers do not respect yo
  • I got my answer [slashdot.org] last time you had an Ask Uncle Em [slashdot.org].

    -Ab

    ps. The penicillin didn't work.
  • What was your function prior to becoming Em #8?
  • Would you rather be the president or the pope?

  • MJ (Score:2)

    by Mantorp ( 142371 )
    1. Will Michael go to jail?

    2. My check engine light just came on the other day, what do you think it is?

  • Why haven't you re-friended me?
  • What's the meaning of life?
  • What is your favorite color?
  • How can I get something for nothing? I would like to coast through life without so much .. effort. Additional constraint: I don't want to live in the gutter; I want to have nice things, always smell like I had a place to shower that morning, etc.
  • What have I got in my pocket? (And no, I'm not particularly happy to see you)

Slashdot Top Deals

An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.

Close