I do not know why I even try:|

I have no friends, as in zip zero nil. Oh, I used to, have friends that is but then as always I use up my purpose in their life and I am discarded like so much yesterdays bihazardous waste. (it was the ickyest thing I can think of)

Anyway

There is a possibility that none of you need worry about me anymore. Past friends included. As my desire for death looms over me much heavier than it ever has before. I am currently in the process of heading for the other side. It will take a few hours because I want my body to be all mutalted and ugly first. I don't have to do the face because it already is. I can say this stuff cause even if anyone did care I cant be found. No one would be able to anyway. There is only one way to save me now and well the eventuallity of that occuring is well I would say I stand a better chance of hitting oil under the pond in the back yard. So I am basicly unsaveable.

Oh now dont look at the screen and yell no and start the crying crap. It will do you no good at all. THis is just the result of knowing that in the closed room behind be there are hundreds of reminders of my biggest and most horrible failure and inadequacy in being a whole person or even a good one. And the worst part of that room is that more items arrive in the mail all the time and just reopen the wound that will never heal.
It is also the result of being used by yet another male. And this one wont even tell me the truth. He insists that he is not seeing someone else when I know that he is. I think he even wanted me to die when I lost the baby. I wanted to die to, and I still do. And anyway, if he is not lying and is being faithful how am I to know?

Like I said before---why do I even give a shit---I want the council to know they are a part of the reason I am doing this. It is a sad day when even those you thought you could trust in such a position turn on you. All I wanted was to be accepted and not even those who claim to accept all accecpt such a bastardadation of nature as myself. I did not ask to be made. My father did all this to all of us. I am just glad that the others have a reason to be alive.

TT-I wish I could have seen your reason for happiness

TE-...........

TV-Sorry it came to this, it would have been a blast

MJ-Never leave them like you left me

LS-..........

R-stop being an ass and be a part of them, you already lost me, dont loose them

TP-this is not your fault

I am what my kind calls a death speaker. I can communicate with the dead like I am communicating with you right now or like I would carry on a conversation with anyone.

Earlier I spoke with a grandfather of mine who just recently decided to get intouch with me. I asked him if I could publish our conversation as I felt that those of you who have been a tad pushy about knowong who/what I am may get sparse bits of info from it. So here goes...

Grandpa:I*** are you ready to go?
Me:What do you think? Of course I am. My whole life has been a lie and I fear I may have to continue it deeper if I were to stay.
Grandpa:I understand. What was done was wrong. But you would have been killed if you would have been left. I would have done it. I don't like that.
Me:I know. Would you realy have killed your own child?
Grandpa:I would have had no choice. He would have made me.
Me:Oh. Yes he is like that at times isn't he. Do you remember my mom?
Grandpa:Yes.
Me:What was she like? I mean in comparison to me.
Grandpa:I think you are much more headstrong. You would have been very difficult to turn. But yet you hold more resentment, deeper, darker, within you over your situation that she does, or ever did.
Me:My whole life has been a quest for acceptance by this race. A desire to be one with them. I now realise, as I did many years ago, that this is not attainable. I am diffrent. I will always be. And I will never proclaim that I will not return here because well we all know what happens then don't we!? (giggle)
Grandpa:(chuckle)Yes we do.

Thats all. The conversations are never very long. I think my best is a 30 min. conver. with my brother Albert when he passed.
Sometimes I can call to them but most of the time they come to me. It's not like a psychic link, which I also have have with all of my birth family and some of my dearest off world friends. Who I cant wait to hang with.

I keep knowing that there should be something that's not there.
I know by now that no one gives a shit.
Hell I was neetly tucked away in a corner, accused of something I would NEVER do, and wasn't even offered so much as a fuck you.
I just don't know anymore.
There must be something horribly wrong with me. I must be very ugly. I know I am not barbie, never will be, don't realy wanna be.
K and I keep talking about sneaking off to Vegas to get hitched. I still think I would be making an astronaomical mistake by doing it. I can know this by the quiet observing I have done over the years to other couples. Cheating, lying, deceite, unhappiness, this is what I have to look forward to if I go there. Maybe I will just use him as a sperm donor and then dissapear into the night. And if he offs himself, oh well, he is a rather pathetic specimin of a male anyway. But as far as I can see he is my best prospect for having a child since foster parenting is out due to a cop who was a total fucking ass. Let me tell all of you, never just tell them what they want to hear to get them to leave you alone. They will twist it into a tissue of lies and cost you everything. That fucking ass of a cop brought out behaviours in me that had been gone for years. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING COPS!!! You fuckers are never fucking there when I need you and when you are around it is just to give me unneccessary shit. All of this is purely my opinion so there.
Well I guess I will go drink caff and pray for my ride to get here and plan ways to die in the eventuality that I am never going to see my mom.
The ugly one signing off-----------------

...that's where those nit wits put me Sat.
I so swear, I mujst've lost $40 to $50 in sales because of that. GRRRRR!!!
I am so finding another one for that weekend next year.

One of my soap molds just broke and I have a show tomorrow. I hope I make a bit of $$$. I need more memory for my comp. Aw hell I just need a new comp.

Have you ever given something and then felt like you made a horrid mistake later?

I feel that way right now. Mayhaps I should give the bg on this situation.

Back in 1997 some terran I thought I was gonna call a friend realy wanted a baby. She was always going off about how she lost one at 6 weeks (whoopty dooh dah, I lost mine at 8 weeks. He was moving and evrything.) and she has just felt empty ever since. (hey bitch try knowing it felt pain when it died and then get back to me ok)Well anyway-I have a strange gift to give to others when I feel it's needed.(no I wasnt an oven for hire)I do not know how to explain it other than if I want you to have it bad enough I can wish it true. So, she was dating this guy and he was coming over to visit for a week and she was gonna ask him if he would have a baby with her so I sorta wished it true for her. SHe got what she wanted. IN October of that year she had a boy. By then we had lost that so called friendship because that whore(and yes she is, u will just have to trust me)stabbed me in the back at our place of employment and I had to resign because the coordinator was a wussy. To end this story and for you to understand why I am so PISSED that I did this for her is because she gave that child away because it got in her way of whorein.

I know I shouldn't do this but I am now going to disclose the name of the evil bitch that did this--Billie Jean (B.J.) Smith. She lives in Vancouver WA. So if she or someone who knows her sees this, I am sorry I helped you. I thought we were friend I was SO FUCKING WRONG!!! Don't bother with trying to reach me bitch, I have nothing to say to you other than you suck and I hope you wake up and smell the coffee and straighten your life out.All this is purely my opinion so to anyone thinging ah ha lawsuit I just coved my ass :P

Ya know, just for once I would like someone to do a wish for me. I am not a bad person. I help others when I can. I am not whore. And I would never just toss my child out like so much garbage just because it gets in my way.

Coj-Tej where ever you are I miss you so much, please come back to us, we love you.

MTFBWY Happy Thanksgiving

I am the lucky, or unlucky depending on how you look at it, winnwe of a terran family.
I have been saddled with this family for 31 1/2 years
2 members of this family are dead, one I wish wasn't.
1 member is a bratty little pain.
1 member is a cumpulsive lying alcoholic...that incidently just made a very pathetic attemp at suicide by filleting her finger wide the fuck open.

Too stressed to type---more later

I just took 15 min writing something and well certine ppl think it is their quest in life to look over me and it would be this faction that ERASED IT FOR ME!!!!!

ok so now I know you know I know so you know what I want and well I would appriciate it if you went there

thank you so very much for you cooperation

MTFBWY

And just to think...
Not only does it do poetry (not "DO" in a physical sense but ,aw fuq it u know what I mean you dirty minded little terrans you :P) but it can write too...OMG the horror the horror...

THE STORY...part 1...

The night wind cut through the clothing choice she had wore. "Perhaps I should have went with a coat" she thought. It was too late now. What she had waited for for 6 years was about to happen. Her partner had gone back into the house for that damn rabbit even though it had been made quite clear that no animals were to be brought.
The door to the house finaly opened and shut. The racket he made comming down the steps with that blased kennel pissed her off, but what could she do, he was male and you can't tell them anything.
"It's about time you got back out here", she scolded. "I don't know what makes you think that you will be alowed to bring it, you know what they said."
"I know", he replied, "but I have to try. And if they say no I will just put it out of it's misery". She silently cursed his maleness in her mind and then continued to look skyward at the approaching light.

She looked over at him, "Do you have everything in your bag?" she asked.
"Yes, give me some credit for something. I am not as stupid as your brother looks", he teased.
"He's not even down here and you're already starting, huh? Warming up or just being you usualy pain in the ass self?", she questioned.
"A little bit of both", he replied. Then he leaned down and kissed her.

The light on the small rv in the front yard came on and they both looked. "Oh shit, I forgot about Ray", she said in a slightly irritated and pissy voice.
"Fuck Ray", he replied, "What's he gonna do?"
"Well for starters he will come over here and want to know what the hell we are doing out here in the yard at the gawd awful hours of the morning with 2 back packs and an animal carrier for, now won't he", she bitterly threw at him.
"Then I will just kick his ass", he replied with that condensending tone. Usualy she would say you can't do that but now it didn't realy matter anymore. They were just a few short moments from being off this planet and headed back home. A home where she belonged but she was havinh her doubts that he would be as able to live within it as she would.

Stay tuned for part 2

MTFBWY

Tonight I shall revel you all with poetry

So much more beautiful
Prettier than me.
Weight of a sparow
Face not of me.
Light as feather
Voice like the air
I just guess
You must be happier there.

This is for me and kind of for a friend of mine. We both seem to be stuck in the same sinking boat with no paddle or pan to bail.

Time to go suffer in my misery of loneliness.
Ah, so to suffer the ugly.

I might be preg again.
Here we go with try number 3. What is it that they say, 3rd times a charm??? I sure as hell hope so.
And if I do loose him again well I guess its back to Kelly for another tat. No child shall ever go unacknowledged(SP). They all hold a special place in my heart. Or on my arm. I guess one could say I hold my heart on my arm/sleve??? Ok yes I know stupid joke.

Zim friend--we so need to hook up sometime. Let me know when is good for you and I will call to confirm. WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM-ohh whats that???

AT 5:40PM pst today I was closer to suicide than I have ever been before
A phone call came in and a man asked for K. I said he wasnt here. In the background I could hear a female giggling and say "i hope he can lie about going to work".I decided to call back and tell this bimbo she could have him. when i did the name suddenly became KEVIN not K(name with held for now). those 2 names are diffrent enough for me to know the diffrence. here is the number, call it, have fun, tell the bitch thank you for me---360-601-8341.
would the world or anyone on it who claims to care about me realy miss me if I were to die???
I realy doubt it.
the worse part of all of this...i might be pregnant again. maybe another miscarrage wouldnt be so bad. i might as well just walk off into the dark and disapear.

T V V, I know you read this, please come help me. take me away from all of this.

T P, I would in a minuet if all my suspisions are true and you want to.

I do not know why I always alow myself to be used.
I have the deep seeded feeling that my man is cheeting on me and I knew there would be probs as soon as he told me his old Boise bud was comming here.

Why do I even bother.
I just wanna go home.

I think I have the wrong color of skin.

My fiance is always looking at porn with africanamericans.

Sometimes I realy wish "tiffany" would just hurry up and come into the piccy so this charade would be over. "tiffany" is the name of the person who will be the end of all this. He hasn't met her YET. But all the premonitions I have had of other guys that I have been with have come true so why should I be inclined to think this will be any diffrent. A part of me hopes I will atleast get a child out of all of this.

Running a business is a real pain in the ass!!!
I would, however, suggest it to anyone with the patience to put up with times of low income. Incidently, I am currently going thru one of those, and yes, it sucks balls.

I realy need to find something to resell that I can get cheep and sell a bit highter. And if anyone suggest drugs I will report you to the local dealer and let him/her/?? sort it out. Ok that last part was a shitty joke. It comes accross better IRL. You will have to trust me on that one.

Well I am off to find resaleables for ebay.

And I still am in move limbo. It sux.

MTFBWY