staticjedi's Journal: I AM IM PAIN BUT WHO GIVES A S**T

I do not know why I even try:|

I have no friends, as in zip zero nil. Oh, I used to, have friends that is but then as always I use up my purpose in their life and I am discarded like so much yesterdays bihazardous waste. (it was the ickyest thing I can think of)

Anyway

There is a possibility that none of you need worry about me anymore. Past friends included. As my desire for death looms over me much heavier than it ever has before. I am currently in the process of heading for the other side. It will take a few hours because I want my body to be all mutalted and ugly first. I don't have to do the face because it already is. I can say this stuff cause even if anyone did care I cant be found. No one would be able to anyway. There is only one way to save me now and well the eventuallity of that occuring is well I would say I stand a better chance of hitting oil under the pond in the back yard. So I am basicly unsaveable.

Oh now dont look at the screen and yell no and start the crying crap. It will do you no good at all. THis is just the result of knowing that in the closed room behind be there are hundreds of reminders of my biggest and most horrible failure and inadequacy in being a whole person or even a good one. And the worst part of that room is that more items arrive in the mail all the time and just reopen the wound that will never heal.
It is also the result of being used by yet another male. And this one wont even tell me the truth. He insists that he is not seeing someone else when I know that he is. I think he even wanted me to die when I lost the baby. I wanted to die to, and I still do. And anyway, if he is not lying and is being faithful how am I to know?

Like I said before---why do I even give a shit---I want the council to know they are a part of the reason I am doing this. It is a sad day when even those you thought you could trust in such a position turn on you. All I wanted was to be accepted and not even those who claim to accept all accecpt such a bastardadation of nature as myself. I did not ask to be made. My father did all this to all of us. I am just glad that the others have a reason to be alive.

TT-I wish I could have seen your reason for happiness

TE-...........

TV-Sorry it came to this, it would have been a blast

MJ-Never leave them like you left me

LS-..........

R-stop being an ass and be a part of them, you already lost me, dont loose them

TP-this is not your fault