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Satire Wire's New Spam Poets Crowned 105

Yorrike writes: "With over 600 entries, the winners of Satire Wire's Second Annual Poetry Competition have been announced. I guess my adaptation of Rime of the Ancient Mariner didn't make the cut ;)" Nothing like some howling laughter to cut through one's baleful bellows of pure spam-related rage.
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Satire Wire's New Spam Poets Crowned

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  • ACK! (Score:4, Funny)

    by wo1verin3 ( 473094 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @02:29AM (#2802666) Homepage
    Stupid spam wasn't bad enough, now I realize my mailbox is full of poetry.

  • I couldn't find anything on the site, but was there a prize for winning this?

    It looks like a little recognition and being crowned was it, but I figure maybe someone read something I didn't.

    • Re:Winner's Prize (Score:4, Informative)

      by cicadia ( 231571 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @02:44AM (#2802698)

      Yep, prizes galore!

      From the Contest Rules []:


      • 1st Place, "Strictly Spam": two SatireWire T-shirts, one each SatireWire hat, coffee mug, and mousepad.
      • 2nd Place, "Strictly Spam": one T-shirt and a hat.
      • 1st Place, "Freestyle": two SatireWire T-shirts, one hat, and a mousepad.
      • 2nd Place, "Freestyle": two T-shirts and a hat.
      • Third place gets nothing. And fourth place is even worse!

      Now don't you wish you'd been paying attention when this thing was announced?

      • Well, I remember when it was originally announced, and I read the article then too, but I didn't think to look in the contest rules for it. Thank you very much though.
  • Who decides? (Score:3, Insightful)

    by TMacPhail ( 519256 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @02:36AM (#2802679)
    Who is it that decides on the winners of this contest? Personaly I dont think either the winner or runner up were really worthy of winning by comparison to some other entries. The winner looks like they simply took one SPAM e-mail and ocasionaly replaced a noun with the word "penis". The runner up just repeated the same phrase over and over again with one irregularity near the middle. I think neither of these took much creativity and that the win could have gone to a more worthy poem.
    • What is, "is"? (Score:3, Insightful)

      by DaftShadow ( 548731 )
      I must respectfully disagree. The winner was able to show the chaotic beauty apparent in SPAM by applying a slightly altered take on Yo Momma. Why not try replacing "your penis" with "your mom"? It's just as funny due to the absurdities of SPAM. That's why it's all spam anyway, right? It's crazy, it's funky, it includes chinese nozzles; and it's all the same. Spam is cookie-cutter marketing, and the winner seemed the only person I saw that proved this subtle nuance. A blank sheet of paper can be art, and it is no less deserving of praise than when someone throws paint on a canvas. It doesn't beat a Picasso, but then again, there weren't too many Frosts in the contest either... - DaftShadow
      • I'll agree with you that the winner was ok, but what's up with the runner up entry? That was just bad. I don't see how you could defend it.

        • Re:What is, "is"? (Score:2, Insightful)

          by DaftShadow ( 548731 )
          I will gladly agree that the two with honorable mention were wonderfully painful, but I cannot say the same for Got Debt?. Besides the obvious ploy on a copywritten gimmick, it stresses the constant overflow of inboxes everywhere with the same thing. It seems a belief of Spammers (and probably founded to the 1/777% ) that by overloading the senses of a typical web monger they will, somehow, force the user to either choose going into cardiac arrest or buying the product.

          It also gives a little philosophical enjoyment for those who care to take the useless things in life further than they ever should be. You can pile schemes a mile high, but the situation you're living in now isn't going to change.


        • I'll agree with you that the winner was ok, but what's up with the runner up entry? That was just bad. I don't see how you could defend it.

          I thought it was a brilliant referance to Monty Python's spam skit. Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam and Spam were the dinner options IIRC.

  • Coleridge [] or Maiden []?

    Up the irons!
  • I honestly would of loved to have entered this contsest, but I haven't received much spam since I dropped AOL 3 years ago. It surprises a little since I do alot of shopping online and I am active in several discussion groups. I'm just lucky I guess.
  • by jonnosan ( 300963 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @03:00AM (#2802728)
    except entries must be cutups of Anonymous Coward postings instead.
  • by gvonk ( 107719 ) <slashdot AT garrettvonk DOT com> on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @03:09AM (#2802742) Homepage
    The 23rd Spam

    The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
    He leadeth me beside the still waters,
    He restoreth my credit and consolidateth my debts,
    For as little as $1,750,
    If I act now.

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil: for thou art with me,
    Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
    And can now be 50 Percent Larger in Three Weeks.

    Thou preparest a table before me
    In the presence of mine enemies,
    Thou annointest my head with oil,
    My cup runneth over.
    But as an added bonus,
    I will receive $1,000.00 cash,
    If I complete thy online registration form today.

    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
    All the days of my life,
    And I will dwell forever,
    In the House of the Lord,
    Which I shall refinanceth,
    To take advantage,
    Of the lowest mortgage rates in years.
  • by Yorrike ( 322502 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @03:20AM (#2802764) Homepage Journal
    And for all of you who are interested in my adaptation of Rime of the Ancient Mariner, here it is:


    by Yorrike

    It is an ancient spammer
    And he spamith one in three
    By thy lies and undisclosed recipiants
    Now wherefore spam'st thou me ?

    The open relays are opened wide,
    And payest I the toll;
    The conditions are met, the filter set,
    May'st ye > /dev/null.

    He sends to me html e-mail,
    'Briteny Naked!' quoth he.
    'Hold off! Unsubcribe me, spamming loon!'
    Eftsoons more he sends me.

    He sends to all, his wiley claims
    In bulk, CPUs stand still
    And grindith away like a 386
    The spammer hath his will

    The spammed net user sat in his chair
    He cannot choose but ignore;
    And thus rants on the ancient spam
    That cursed old spammer

    'The mail was wrote, the bandwidth chocked,
    Merrily did we send
    Open relay dost fit the bill,
    one million, e-mail then end.

    The spam dost went over the web
    Through smtp went he!
    And sat in all those pop3 queues
    Waiting to be seen.

    Higher and higher the spam count rose
    Till overflowed inboxes--'
    The spammed net user here pressed delete,
    To rid those error boxes.

    The hard disk drive was running hot
    Though by a fan was cool;
    Shaking his head the user speakith
    'Damn this spammed mail spool!'

    The spammed user hath pressed delete
    Yet the inbox still was full
    And thus ranted on and on the spam
    That cursed old spammer

    'Click here to get your new credit card
    With up to $1,000 limit :
    Hot teen babes are waiting for you'
    But the user right clickith and bin it.

    With constant sound, right cliking now
    Annoyed the user with down sloped brow
    Spam hath become his one true foe
    Towards the keybord he wackith his head
    The beeps came fast, loud roared the blast
    Away from the PC he fled.

    But still in the spam came high and fast
    And tales of fortune it told
    And bollocks knee-high, came flooding in
    All in caps and bold.

    And through the traps, the header caps
    Did sendmail leave uncleaned
    Nor shapes of mail sent by his friends
    The spam was all between

    The spam was here, the spam was there,
    The spam was all around
    The hard drive growled, and roared and howled,
    Like Quake2 deathmatch sounds!

    At length the spammed net user return
    The battle was not lost
    Selected he spam, up and down
    Into the trash then tossed

    He cleared the trash he ne'er had cleared
    And did cycle the CPU
    The spam did split with thunder-fit;
    All moved to /dev/null !

    The user smiled, if for a while
    his inbox cleared to ground
    But to his now utter distaste
    The message bell did sound

    Yell he loud at his filter shroud
    He nay had slayne his foe
    With might and fury, kick his box
    and stubbith his big toe

    'Death to thee, cursed spammer !
    This toe bound pain shall pass!--
    And then shall I find where you live;
    And come to kick your arse.'

  • by lines ( 410893 )
    ...the Bulwer-Lutton Fiction Contest [], which consists of reader-submitted snippets of godawful prose.
  • Oh well (Score:2, Funny)

    by MrP- ( 45616 )
    I didn't win :(.. might as well share my submission anyway...

    We are here to help!
    By Robert DeFusco, 12/2/2001


    We are here to help!

    For a FREE Consultation
    Please provide the following information.
    Full Name and Address
    To Entertain guests, with a new DVD player.

    We are here to help!

    When you sign up for one year of BasicListenerTM plan,
    you'll get a virtual trip to Graceland,
    Without leaving the comfort of your home!
    So please call now, to Celebrate the power of Harry Potter

    We are here to help!

    Add 1 to 3 inches to your penis Guarenteed, or your money back!
    And don't forget, Get a FREE anti-radiation shield!
    So don't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime deal!

    We are here to help!

    Just send $1 to the following address,
    To be removed from this list, and get-rich-quick.

    Under Bill S1618 Title III passed by the 105th US Congress,
    we Thank you!

    Do we have your money? - We are here to help, Goodbye!
    • Here's my entry...

      "Your privacy is extremely important to us"

      Do you SUFFER from RESPIRATORY Disease?
      Book your favorite offer, and the fun can begin!
      Click the link below,
      For 5 hours per day,
      And receive a complimentary double room.

      Have a great weekend and as always,
      Your privacy is extremely important to us.

      Using the Digital Cortex system,
      You will never be contacted by the IRS!
      Click here NOW;
      A credit report can help you
      To save money on ink!

      In case you didn't know,
      Your privacy is extremely important to us.

      I send you this file in order to have your advice;
      The event you've been waiting for is here!
      Using the currency of your choice,
      All from the convenience of your PC,
      You may qualify for a FREE National Healthcare Program!

      And with our easy $20 minimum deposit - $1 minimum bet system,
      Your privacy is extremely important to us.

      We are committed to delivering a highly rewarding experience,
      However, if you wish to unsubscribe,
      Here's what we have to offer:
      Good Luck!
      You can't.

      It's as simple as that!
      Your privacy is extremely important to us.
  • Awwwww.... With the amount of junk in my mailbox I could have written an epic that rivalled Beowulf!
  • I actually like some of these and think they would make good songs. It'd be one strange song by one strange band, but poems like this is not spam [] have a kind of 'somber fluidity', if that makes any sense. It didn't make me laugh, but it was good.
  • What's next - magnetic spam for your refrigerator?
  • This is an evil plot from the spamlords to get us to actualy read the spam we get, instead of trashing it.
  • but it would have required me to actually read some spam......
  • by burtonator ( 70115 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @04:30AM (#2802841)
    Shall I compare thee to bits of stone?
    You serve less purpose, and cause much more trouble
    The stone doth stay when roughest winds are gone
    But when IPs are traced, you're already on the double

    Sometimes too slow the mail servers are
    And often is their total bandwith dimm'd
    By thine empty headers who bring far
    Less money than to you it must have seemed

    But thy eternal spam-fest will not pass
    Nor will you lose those d4rk-IPz j00 0wn
    Nor shall /dev/null contain all your tries
    To make some money, since your work's really worth none

    So long as l4m3rs live and traffic's free
    So long lives spam, and spam gives life to thee
  • by Alsee ( 515537 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @05:07AM (#2802863) Homepage
    Have you ever wanted to become a Spam poet?
    Having trouble finding exactly the line you need?
    Your search is over!
    You too can be an award winning spam poet!
    All for the low low price of $25 we will include a single line of your choice in GENUINE spam!
    Guaranteed distribution of over 10 MILLION E-mail addresses!
    As a free service we will add YOUR E-mail address to our lists, and you'll receive your very own copy of spam containing your selected line!

    Ask about our bulk discounts for 3 or more lines!

  • Two spam recieved in a foul mood, And sorry I could not delete both And be one reader, long I sat And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was annoying and wanted money; Though as for that the passing here Had worn their welcome about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on back to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two spam recieved in a foul mood, and I- I left the basement to shoot a spammer And that has made all the difference.
  • As spam described it and poetry is life. Poetry is spam! Maybe it's not "truth is beauty and beauty truth," but "life is spam and spam is life."
  • SPAM? (Score:3, Funny)

    by szquirrel ( 140575 ) on Tuesday January 08, 2002 @11:21AM (#2803848) Homepage
    Oh, that email thing. I thought it was real SPAM poetry [].
  • I'll post my losing entries here like some other people have done. Maybe someone will enjoy them.


    As our national and local media remind us every day
    As people all around the world turn to God
    As the Economy in India is tested
    As we all know
    Anthrax was confirmed

    As the World struggles with the realities of loss and fear
    As the economy and world markets recover
    As companies continue to downsize
    As an added bonus
    Anthrax was confirmed

    Now you can PROFIT from it!
    Now by Phone or Mail
    Just Look at Today's Rates!
    Just Fill Out Our Simple Form
    and quadruple the earnings generated

    fear associated with terrorist attacks
    guarantees effortless profits
    take advantage of all this
    Don't wait any longer!
    You could be on your way!

    if this is for you
    If you decide to "stick it out"
    if you are teachable
    You will learn guaranteed methods
    They Want BANNED In all 50 STATES

    All you need to do now is take action
    All Men Should Read This
    All our dreams can come true
    All we ask of you is to
    include your Confirmation Number

    (This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.)

    And here's the second one.

    Six Pack o' Spamericks

    abundantly growing Rose Bay
    and Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
    to stop hair loss and
    Helps you understand
    and find money day after day

    $2.00 for each envelope
    why we always say
    2 pills every day
    with you, so you don't give up hope

    restoring the fullness of love
    commodity-quality of
    the Willow-herb tea
    get all that for FREE
    on USA orders above

    stop throwing your money away
    such high-risk securities may
    reduce the amount
    from this e-mail account
    A Free Loan Quotation Today!

    Thank you for your recent request
    I knew that I couldn't invest
    The court has decided
    all quotes are provided
    the white sandy beach of Key West

    I get emails like this all the time
    my father-in-law, in his prime,
    got a great Web Page... but
    It's INCREDIBLE what
    is a multi-part message in MIME
    (This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.
    Yeah, like you wanted THAT image stuck in your head...)
  • ...Loveline. Only the early listeners of that show would really appreciate that winner "penis" poem.
  • Everything can improve our lives.
    Our fore-fathers here in the US, knew that a song, an invention, a book as potiantial to inspire others to do great things, Or at least inspire others to do things.
    I find it interesting that people who scream about the benifits of shorter copyright times ,because of the common good, do not seem to think about the common good for types of speech they don't like.
    If the common good can benefit from print media, why not spam?
    Unless you feel poetry should be outlawed.

    NOTICE the post neither endorses or condems SPAM, all reply in that nature will be ignored, so don't bother.
  • by PD ( 9577 )
    The spammer is a poet and he don't realize it!
  • Want a larger penis?
    Want more staying power?
    Buy Viagra
  • While the 23rd spam was good, my personal favorite- perhaps simply because it shows up in the "real world"- is's no spam policy:

    Spam is no good.
    Don't do it.
    It causes bad karma and cancer (and perhaps some other diseases).
    Yes, this is true.
    No, it's not a joke.
    Oh, and spammers rot in hell.

    Neither Novell® nor will tolerate the dispersal of unsolicited E-mail transmissions (spam). Sending spam E-mail from a MyRealBox address or using a MyRealBox address as a return address or an opt-out address for spam is in violation of the terms and conditions by which we operate, and users found in violation of the policy will have their account terminated. Additionally we will pursue legal actions against any person violating our terms and conditions.

    Does the first half qualify as poetry to anyone besides me?

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.