well, to say the least this weekend has been tense. And it's not even over yet.

MY boyfriend's upset with me that I don't want to spend time with his friends and family and that he hasn't hung out with his best friend in 3 weeks.

Last night I got home after work. Ya his sister got in about midnight that night to our place and my boyfriend got back into bed around 1. The alarm clock goes off at 6am. When I get home they're hanging out and I get my things put away and pour some white wine for everyone while we're chatting. Then I come up with the idea of going to get some happy hour tapas and drinks at a nearby restaurant. After the restaurant we end up going to their parents house for dinner.

My boyfriend's parents have set the table for 4 people. They forgot that I was coming by. Then the sister shays that it's OK she doesn't need to eat anything and goes out for a smoke (this when earlier she had told me and my boyfriend that she was starving) She comes back crying and the mom goes to the couch to talk to her. Then I help the dad clear the table and then go over and sit and chat before we went.

So the sister gathers up her things from our place when we get back because she's going out with friends that evening. But it turns out that she's upset at my boyfriend and called her other sister crying saying that she couldn't stand to stay here another night and slept over at my boyfriend's best friend's house after getting drunk with him that evening.

Now I'm not too interested in spending time with them fir dinner tonight due to all the drama and my boyfriend thinks that I'm not trying. That since he gets along with my dad and sisters that I should get along with his family. The thing is that their temperaments are different.

Whatever. Emotions are raw, we're both frustrated and we don't have any personal down time because of the family being in town and all.

Damn. I still have a day left of this shit.

I admit it, I've been a bit depressed lately. I've found it hard to be happy about things and have been coasting through my days apathetically.

I'm bored silly at my job and can't wait to get out and go home.
But...
I'm not really happy to go home after work because I can't just sit back and relax. I have to worry about the puppy. Wondering what bodily secretion I'll have to clean up this time. I'm not looking forward to the dog greeting me because I don't like it when dogs jump up on me or lick my face. Lately I've defaulted to taking the dog to the dog park because the dog gets out all it's energy and I can read or talk on my cell. I don't like being on edge all the time at home having to keep an eye out for signs that the puppy needs to go outside to pee.

I want to just be able to go home and relax and not have to worry about anything but perhaps getting some laundry done or what to make for dinner. And it's a bit cramped in the apartment now having to deal with a puppy and said puppy's crate.

But the dog seems perfect fro my boyfriend. It totally fits his personality. And he's bragged about the dog to everyone he knows that I feel bad having my doubts about if I am a dog person or not.

Especially in cases where I take the dog to the airport after the puppy park to pick up my boyfriend from a business trip, because I know he'll be excited to see the puppy. then I end up needing to move his arm, because he's got his arm around the dog and not around me. I even brought up this concern before we got the dog, that it seems that he's more comfortable giving affection to dogs than he is to me. I even noticed it with his family's dog, that he's OK with the dog sitting on the couch with it's head in his lap. But he feels stifled when I want to cuddle with him on the couch.

Now this weekend his younger sister is visiting. And I'm really not too optimistic about the weekend. Mainly because the last interaction with her I had was of her telling me off when I asked her advice on how to deal with BF's best friend and mentioned that I thought he had aspergers. And then a couple of days later her calling my boyfriend and telling him off for letting me assume that the friend had aspergers, venting at my boyfriend so much that she made him tear up a bit. So ya, not looking forward to someone confrontational to me and my boyfriend like that.

And of course not looking forward to having to possibly deal with the BF's best friend this weekend because he always pops up when my BF's family is around. Because I haven't really interacted with him since I tried to take him for drinks to get over the awkwardness and he lied to me saying that he was busy. Ya too busy that he hung out with my boyfriend and his family all that weekend.

I'm not really looking forward to much. Except for my dad coming down to visit in April. That will be fun and he hasn't had a vacation in such a long time.

So what am I doing to try and get over this pessimistic slump. Well, I'm currently trying to find a therapist to talk to and try and work things out.

Is it disrespectful to a man's wife\girlfriend\committed relationship if your best friend sends you naked pictures of other women?

------------

Ok, now for my opinion. I feel that ok, guys might share the sneaked Playboy when they were adolescents. Moved on to e-mailing internet smut in college. But that a 30 something who has moved on to real life women and relationships that sharing porn seems inappropriate (and a bit juvenile.)

(And ya there are a lot of other underlying issues to the question than I put but I'm not really comfortable listing all that right now. But my perception of porn is simlar to these two articles.)

I found this surprisingly accurate for me...

the Romantic
Test finished! you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

CY (SIX)

BX (NINE)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 27% on ABC You scored higher than 49% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Well, we have the puppy home for a 10 day trial run before the dog rescue gives us the green light for the adoption.

The tally cleaned up so far from the apartment:
4 puddles of pee
1 pile of poo

And we have only had her for 6 hours.

She hasn't gone poo when we've walked her and just tinkles a bit in the shrubbery. Puppy training is a bitch. Wiping up warm urine makes me gag.

It makes me wonder if I'm ready to have a puppy yet.

(Did I mention that one of the pudles of pee was on the pillow right behind me while the puppy was sitting on the couch.)

My fingers are crossed for tomorrow. When my boyfriend and I are going to see a puppy that we want to adopt. The foster parent is going to meet us in the park and see how we like the pup and how the pup likes us.

We are going through a rescue shelter that saves dogs and puts them in foster homes until they can go to their forever home.

The dog we're looking at is a Catahoula Lab mix that is one year old and so cute. She's got blue eyes and is white with light brown spots on her back. She was rescued because she was a stray living by the lake and has a scar on her neck where her collar had grown into her neck. Anyways here's her link and spiel...

Have you ever seen a dog as cute as I am? I am a lovely one year old Catahoula Lab mix female, and I know I'm an angel. I make all the boys melt with my pretty face. I was at Town Lake for a short time, and I keep it a secret where I was before that, because I didn't like it. I have a small scar where someone let a collar or rope grow into my neck.

I weigh about 38 pounds (probably won't gain more than a few pounds more), I'm spayed, micro-chipped, heart-worm negative, and current on my vaccinations. I am great with other dogs and with cats. I am crate-trained, but I am not quite house-trained, although I'm getting there. I haven't had an accident in quite a while! Because I'm still a frisky pup, and I love kids so much, I am probably not a good match for houses with children under 12 or kids who are afraid of dogs because I jump up to lick them. I also would benefit from some doggy training classes to brush up on my basic obedience.

I'm so excited, as I've never had a dog before (though my boyfriend has) and I'm looking forward to going running with her in the morning and playing around and all that good puppy stuff.

Well I've now got most of my doctoral ducks in a row. And I've got doctor appointments with my primary physician and gastro specialist. Though the specialist took some major arm twisting, as the receptionist didn't want to give me the appointment because I didn't have a referral number. But I couldn't get a referral number until I meet with my primary doc and then I'd have to wait an additional month foran open appointment with the gastro, and I really can't wait that long. So I told her that I'd pay for the appointment, and what would happen if I get a referral number in the mean time. SO she talked with her supervisor, and let me do it that way. Thank the goddess that I was able to get that because even with that maneuvering I still have to wait a month to see him. And my specialist is supposedly awesome so I'm really wanting to get things set up so that I can get things on the more permanent mend.

Also I was talking with my cube-buddy Geoff about things, frustrations with the doctor and all. And I'm a bit surprised at my growth, being that I didn't talk about my chronic condition with my friends in California for years and I'm comfortable talking with Geoff right now. I guess that 'm more accepting of this condition as a part of me and it's loosing it's forbidden subject categorization. And what do I know, but Geoff's grandma has Crohn's too. So he somewhat understands. But it's a big step, as it took me a while to open up to people when I started my last job because I was so shy, I was so concerned about what other people thought that I stymied making connections with others. I'm very happy at the progress that I'm making being more comfortable just being me to the world. It's awesome.

.......

I'm thinking of dyeing my hair again. I'm thinking of black underneath crimson on top. I'll let that thought percolate for a week of two and then I'll do it after I cut my hair because it's getting to long. And then 'll let things grow out and bleach it again when things warm up. As I kinda like the pattern of darker hair in the winter and lighter and brighter in the summer.

........

I was so sore yesterday, as Monday I had circuit training with my running group. I signed up for a 12 week training class to prep me to run a 5k. It's with my work and it's awesome. This is the 2nd week and it's really interesting getting things going again. It feels really good getting moving again. I'm also thinking of combining this with training for a triathlon. Though the triathlon that I'd want to do is in June, and that might be a bit too soon, but I'm also thinking that it would be an awesome motivation to keep active and keep up my training. So we'll see what happens as right now I'm at the back of the pack with the other run/walkers and feel a bit, well, self-conscious, and it raises doubts that I'd be able to meet such a lofty goal as doing a triathlon when I'm in such bad shape right now.

I seriously got a buzz off of the tiramisu I made for valentines dessert. I was kinda working off of a recipe, kinda a winging it because I didn't have all of the ingredients, and evidently I put too much rum in the rum/coffee mixture that I soaked the ladyfingers in.

It was so strong Matt couldn't even finish his. I couldn't even finish mine, I ended up eating around the cookies and I still am giggling incoherently.

Ah good times.

Yep, my Crohn's is at it again. Its been so good for the last few months ever since I was in the hospital last November. I've been lucky that I didn't have any problems during the 3 week span that I didn't have insurance between jobs.

But last night, it had to happen last night when I had purchased concert tickets. It had to happen on an otherwise good day. But we had gone to a cool new Mexican restaurant for lunch around 3PM and hadn't had any dinner. But my intestines started cramping up around 8pm when we were starting out to walk to the club. I had 2nd thoughts about walking, wanting to have the easy out of the car if intestinal things got worse. But I didn't because I defaulted into the "suck it up" mode.

So we made it to the club and I was still feeling crappy so I just had a sprite to drink and my boyfriend had a beer. Then the first act was a mix of me sitting down against the wall, trying to feel better, wishing to feel better, but I was still crampy and nauseated. So after the first act we left and started to walk home.

I don't know what it was, but the walking made things worse and the cramping increased, and the nausea too. Until we were a few blocks from the apartment across from a park when it was just too much and my lunch decided to come up. So it was 11pm and I was hunched over by the side of the road throwing up feeling like crap. So I then asked my boyfriend to go get the car and I'd just wait on the grassy knoll by the side of the road because I didn't want to move at all. When I got home I was feeling a bit better nausea wise though I was still cramping. SO I curled up in bed with my heating pad and fell asleep.

Now, the next morning I'm feeling a bit queasy and empty. And I need to figure out the whole HMO stuff, because I got a letter saying that I needed to pick a preferred provider, even though I picked one the first time. SO I have to get that in order to get my card so that I can get an appointment with a normal doc so that she can set me up with a specialist. so much red tape, it's frustrating even more compounded by me feeling ill.

Rawr. Intestines be sill.

Yes, I got paid today and turned it into something fun...

Paragliding lessons. Yes I signed up me and my boyfriend for an afternoon Paragliding class that's coming up in May. But there is more stuff to do before then like,

Sushi Making Class. Again, both of us are signed up for an evening of Sake, Sushi and Sharp knives.

And then I was listening to NPR/KUT this morning on the radio and found out that Jane Siberry is coming to town this weekend for the folk festival and it got me in the mood of looking up concerts, so I bought tickets for...

Big Head Tom and maybe some Monsters but I'm not so sure as Tom's Monsters weren't exactly listed in the headline. This ones happening this Saturday.

Jerry Jeff Walker. ...picking up the pieces where ever they fallllll...Apparently it's his Birthday and there's a concert b-day bash that he's performing at in April.

(As I mentioned in my last journal, this is what I wrote this morning but forgot to post...)

Damn. It's 4:30 in the morning and I've been up since 2. With only 4 hours of sleep tomorrow's going to be a bear.

I'm just frustrated. It turns out that G's coming out Saturday Night to play pool with my boyfriend and his sister. All that "too busy" to talk to me was absolute bullshit.

I'm frustrated because it seems like I'm trying to get water from a rock. That I'm wanting something that just won't happen with G. That I'm wanting him to try and be nice to me and he's just not capable of it. That he has no motivation to be nice to me because my boyfriend will always be there for G no matter what he does, so G has nothing to loose.

Me however, I have the motivation to be nice to G and try and get along because I want to be with my boyfriend. And my boyfriend had made it perfectly clear through his words and actions that G is a deal-breaker in the relationship. That he holds his friendship with G as such an integral part of his personality that to deny G would be to deny himself.

That my boyfriend says that all he wants from me is to be accepting of G. To have me not have to like him, but be cordial with him. But how do you be cordial and ignore the things someone did that hurt you? Because G is always there. Any time I get together with my boyfriend's family G will be there. G is always there in the stories my boyfriend tells me of both his past and present. I made the joke the other day that G seems like my boyfriend's hetero-life partner. My boyfriend laughed, but I'm also afraid that it's true. That however much I want to be the partner to my boyfriend, he's already filled that position and there is no room for me.

Well I'm not going to deal with it. At least not this weekend. I wrote a journal this morning because I couldn't sleep, and in my sleepy haze didn't push the post button. So I'll put that one up when I get home.

So this weekend I'm going on retreat. I'm going to a workshop up in the hills, getting a massage, staying at the spa, and taking the time to contemplate my navel without the distractions of daily life tearing at my focus.

I really don't want to deal with G this weekend, because with the combination of my boyfriend's, lets say, overly judgemental sister, it's just too much to deal with. She is 30ish, very single, very picky and complains about everything. Over the holidays while she was there with us I can't remember having a single conversation with her, and when everyone was coming out of the house to welcome us after our 1400 mile drive she didn't bother to get up, or say hi.

So I'm not going to deal with the drama, I'll leave those three in town to talk about what they always do, reminiscing about the past. And frankly as I didn't grow up with them it's really uncomfortable being so blatantly excluded from the conversation. Because no, it's not conversation in the intention of sharing a story with everyone, but reliving the moment with people who were there. Not that there's anything wrong with reminiscing, but I really don't feel included, and neither G nor the sister take any means to include me.

So I'll just take a pass on that one, and take off and reconsider if all this drama is worth it. Because sometimes it doesn't seem like it is. My boyfriend doesn't have this level of drama from my side, my family all adore him, all my friends get along with him. He even talks and IM's my sisters more often than I do (with the help of his sidekick phone)

Anyways, it's time for lunch and I don't want to think of depressing things anymore. I've already reached my cry quota form the day before the sun even came up.

Update: I just called my boyfriend and asked him why his sister didn't talk to me over the few days we were together at his parents house. The reason, "She doesn't like to talk to people she doesn't know". Super, that makes so much sense since she's the chatty one in the family and her phone calls with my boyfriend allways average over an hour and her own sister doesn't return her calls because she can't get her off the phone.

Well, I tried. Sunday I sent an e-mail to my boyfriend's best friend* to invite him out sometime for drinks to just chat and get over this awkwardness that we've had between us. But he blew me off, stating...

"Hey thanks for the invite, but I'm pretty busy with the new job and other stuff and I don't see any time soon I could do that.

See ya."

Ya new job being working in the server room of a online gaming something or other. I don't know what the other stuff might be, maybe looking for a place to live because he's been couch surfing since he got fired from his previous IT job a year and a half ago.

I don't feel so bad anymore, as I tried my best to mend things with him and so the proverbial ball is in his court. Though I'm not sure that he's even going to do anything, because even with the last few months of my boyfriend trying to explain to him how he was insensitive and rude to me, he still hasn't apologized to me.

Whatever. I'm just glad that he got a job because it means that he won't be spending as much time around me. Namely because even thought righ tnow he's working a normal buisness schedule, his permanent position is working 12 hour graveyard shifts on the weekends. Though I still have to deal with him on family holidays with my boyfriend's family. Ya it's a bit weird there, as my boyfriend's family see him as an extra son. They even set an extra dinner plate when we were there for x-mas, just in case he showed up.

*Look in past journals to find out more if you're confused.

Taken in part from a friend's blog...my reply to her questions...

5 years ago where were you?
5 years ago where did you think you would be now?
And in 5 years where do you think you will be?

Well, five years ago I had a semester left in College. I was about to graduate with my Masters in Civil Engineering and I was looking for a job up in Seattle. Why Seattle, well because I wanted to try somewhere new and didn't know where and my sister thought Seattle was cool so I decided to try to get a job there. One main reason why I got my Masters was that I was scared to go out into the "real world" and stayed in school the extra year to finish that.

The main difference between 5 years ago and today was that I was still Mormon. I went to a religious school and all my close family was staunchly religious as well. I was just barely rebuilding my relationship with my dad because he wasn't Mormon and was very upset that I choose BYU to attend for college and didn't even apply to another university. I didn't know what I wanted to be in 5 years, other than the Mormon ideal of get married and have a family.

Where I am now...well first off I'm not mormon anymore and made that hard decision 3 years ago to leave the church, and just last fall wrote to have my name officially taken off their records. I have difficulty relating with my extended family now because they are still very religious and there's that whole stigma attached to me that I fell from grace because I choose not to be a part of their religion any more. I get harassed by my grandparents, as they still send me religious material, because they know that they're right and it would just be a matter of time before I see the light and choose to come back. I haven't told any of that side of my family that I wrote the letter, because when I first decided to not be mormon and told my mom I was thinking of taking my name off she started crying, because in their eyes taking my name off is relegating myself to hell.

Where I am now I would never have anticipated at all 5 years ago; living with my loving boyfriend, unmarried, no kids, and taking a chance moving out to Texas with him. I've grown as a person and view life very differently, and now try not to take anything as unquestionable and a given. As I know that if anything, life is about change and growth. And pigeonholing myself in a certain role will stymie that growth process.

5 years from now...I hope that I've grown as a person and am different than I am today. I hope that I will have many learning experiences and loving memories to look back on. I hope that in another 5 years I'll look back and wonder how I got here.

Well, It's my first day to work at the new job. I've got 2 days of new employee training before I actually meet the people I'll be working with. But I drove by the place yesterday, and like I thought, it's in the middle of nowhere at a base-site for all the street repair-people. So, I'm guessing that I'll be able to count the number of women I'll be working with on one hand. But I guess that I'm used to that already, having been the minority from college on out. ( My fingers are crossed that I'll have some cool people to work with.)

Ah well, I better be getting ready and out the door.