Stephen Hawking Looking for Assistant

An anonymous reader writes "Wanted: Bright graduate student to assist world-famous scientist. International travel, developing computer systems and dealing with the press required. Renowned astrophysicist and best-selling author Stephen Hawking has announced he is looking for a graduate student to work for him for one to two years. Dust off those CVs, kids!"

Does it involve emptying bedpans?

[catbutt]

(goodbye, karma! :)

You're Fired!

[TylerTheGreat]

I can't wait to see NBC's new reality show, The Assistant starring Stephen Hawking. Now, that would be good television.

Dear Stephen

[Mancat]

I don't know anything about physics but dude, I will get you laid. And you're probably all like, "but I'm paralyzed." Dude, you don't even know. The bitches I know don't give a fuck. I'm tellin' you man they're crazy!

Hope to hear back from you!

Aspirin for Mensa members.

[Anonymous Coward]

"Wanted: Bright graduate student to assist world-famous scientist. International travel, developing computer systems and dealing with the press required.

*sniff*
Mommmeeee!

Re:You're Fired!

[Kesch]

Wow, I just had a sound clip of Stephen Hawking saying "You are fired" pop into my head. I don't know how it sounds in the real world but in my own personal world it's hilarious.

The Apprentice

[TheOtherKiwi]

He should run a TV show to find his next apprentice...oh, whoops.

Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans?

[solevita]

>One purpose of the job was to aid the professor in areas which he has difficulty due to his disability, the posting said.

Bedpans. And walking upstairs with a prof. over one shoulder.

I've submitted my CV.

Yes, but...

[abes]

the chances of getting the job are astronomically low. Besides, you're thesis will probably just get black-holed. Perhaps it's worth getting the position still, for all the star-power?

Sorry, couldn't resist. I understand if you have to mod me down.

Looking for what??

[Anonymous Coward]

My firefox tabs loads: Stephen Hawking Looking for Ass...

Star Wars: Stephen Hawking style

[Anonymous Coward]

Graduate Student A: I can't. This matrix is too big
Stephen Hawking: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.



Stephen Hawking: Why wish you become physicist?
Graduate Student B: Well, mostly because of my father, I guess.
Stephen Hawking: Ahh, physicist. Powerful physicist was he. Powerful physicist.
Graduate Student B: How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here! We're wasting our time!
Stephen Hawking: [Looking away from Graduate Student B] I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Albert Einstein: He will learn patience.
Stephen Hawking: Much anger in him... like his father.
Albert Einstein: Was I any different when you taught me?

Requirements

[eebra82]

I believe he left out a few requirements, so here they are.

• You may not loop around me with a Segway. EVER.
• You may not replace my speech tool with a southern state gay accent. It aggrevates me.
• You may not stack pornography in "A Brief History of Time" and "The Universe in a Nutshell".
• You may not answer my great question, "How can the human race survive the next hundred years" with anything related to Star Trek or Star Wars anecdotes.
• You may not ask me to do a 360 with my vehicle.
• You may not replace pawns with queens once they've reached the other end of the chess table.

Re:You're Fired!

[Stormwatch]

I guess it would sound like his singing. [newgrounds.com]

Re:Dear Stephen

[BobNET]

The bitches I know don't give a fuck. I'm tellin' you man they're crazy!

But Stephen Hawking himself is Crazy As Fuck [mchawking.com]!

Straight out of Oxford a crazy motherfucker named Hawking.
When I be rocking the mic you be gawking,
at me 'cause I'm a bad mama-jamma,
you wanna lock me up put my ass in the slamma.
But fuck that shit 'cause no jail can hold me,
you can't even catch me much less control me.
So if you see me coming you better duck,
'cause Stephen Hawking is crazy as fuck.

Re:Qualifications updated!

[Anonymous Coward]

Your dyslexia got that part backwards. "Applicants must provide their own Star Wars voice addresser when changing Mr. Hawking".

add this caveat:

[circletimessquare]

no matter smart you are, everyone will immediately think of you as pinky in pinky and the brain [wikipedia.org], as compared to your boss, so please have a healthy ego

I thought he had a titanium exoskeleton...

[gatkinso]

...and was currently battling some sort of trouble on the moon.

Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans?

[voice_of_all_reason]

and.who.is.the.journal.of.quantum.medicine.going.t o.beleive?

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

missing requirement

[chez69]

must look really hot in lab coat

Fired or fried?

[jd]

The guy studies supernovae and black holes, and probably has user accounts on every particle accelerator out there - you think he'd lower himself to just firing someone?

Re:Requirements

[multipartmixed]

> You may not replace pawns with queens once they've reached
> the other end of the chess table.

Assuming you could get pawns that far on Hawking... Why the fuck not?

Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans?

[fireman sam]

Assistant: Time to wipe your ass.
Hawking: I prefer to call it a Hawking hole.

Just remember...

[jayegirl]

Just remember that if you get the job, the words "My daleks are supreme" are your cue to pull the plug.

Re:Dear Stephen

[BrokenHalo]

Hasn't he had like three wives?

Which just goes to show he's not as smart as we thought... ;-)

*ducks flying crockery*

Re:ALS

[bigpat]

Actually, that's technically pulling an Occam, as it's a variation on Occam's Razor [wikipedia.org]. Yeah, yeah, Holmes said it like that, but Occam's razor is generally thought to be the foundation for Holmes' theory. Er...Doyle's theory, as it were.

ya well... no shit, Shirlock.

Re:You're Fired!

[Anonymous Coward]

I dig the description for this animation on Newgrounds:

"This submission is appropriate for all audiences"

"Users who enjoyed this entry also enjoyed: French Erotic Film."

Nevermind the grand unification theory, I'd just like to know anyone can unify a Hawking rendition of Rocket Man with French erotic film.

Oh, wait...No. No I really don't.

Re:Stephan Hawking needs respect too.

[xee]

He holds the Lucasian Chair. Isaac Newton was a previous holder of this chair, but it was not motorized back then. It is of course named for the benefactor of the chair, George Lucas.

Re:add this caveat:

[jamstar7]

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a herd of yaks, a box of latex gloves, and a swimming pool filled with vaseline at this time of night?"

Re:Fired or fried?

[Anonymous Coward]

Yeah as they dangle from a minature crane erected on his wheel chair. as he manouvers them into the beam chanting "Your fired. Hahaha. Your fired. Hahaha.

From what I understand...

[MsGeek]

...he does prefer them female and attractive. Why anyone would put a request about this here on Slashdot is a mystery to me.

Actually he wouldn't say you're fired.

[gijoel]

It would be more like EX-TER-MIN-ATE. EX-TER-MIN-ATE the assistant. [wikipedia.org]

Cheap Bastard!

[Anonymous Coward]

Obviously trying to avoid listing fees by releasing it as a "story".

Nah. He should post it on Monster.

He can get tens of thousands of cookie-cutter CVs that say "I studied Java, which is a lot like Cosmology. No one understands it either."

"I did some C#, which is a lot like Creationism."

Discuss.

Re:It's a really tough job to fill...

[knifey]

The communication thing would eventually frustrate the most calm of us. I think most slashdotters could (if forced, I doubt many would choose) deal with quadraplegia. To loose even the ability to (easily) communicate must be incredibly frustrating.

But, as for reading eye movements and guessing words etc, he's obviously after a male who's been married for years. That should get me modded down by half the population. :-).

But seriously, eye and facial (of which, SH must be slowly loosing both) movement is a significant slice of communication and more so with people who know each other well/long. What's gotta be troublesome is communicating complex ideas like physics. Baffled as to how he can continue to work.

Playing BOFH?

[dark-br]

From the job offer:
 
  The Head of the Group is Professor Stephen Hawking who is disabled and communicates using a computer system and speech synthesiser. If you were accepted for the post you would be responsible for maintaining and improving this computer system as well as other pieces of support equipment.
 
#$recorded_msg_1 = Synth.Say("Good bye");
$recorded_msg_1 = Synth.Say("Asta la vista, baby!");
#$recorded_msg_2 = Synth.Say("Yes, please");
$recorded_msg_2 = Synth.Say("Go ahead punk, make my day!");

Oh... priceless!!!

Re:Stephan Hawking needs respect too.

[JustNiz]

Whats the point of holding a chair? Chairs are designed to sit on. I'm surprised even Isaac Newton didn't figure this out. He seemed pretty bright otherwise.