Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest

We've all read about some of the dumber patents issued recently by the United States Patent and Trademark Office [USPTO]. The Slashdot community is full of talent and creativity, so why not come up with our own stupid patent ideas instead of waiting for Amazon or Priceline or some other company to come up with something amusing? First prize is a $50 ThinkGeek Gift Certificate that I am paying for out of my own pocket, and will personally sign. The winner will be chosen on the basis of originality, believability, and humor value. To start things off, I will describe my own personal contribution to the Stupid Patent Pool: Zero Click Shopping.

As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.

So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:

"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."

Remember, you saw it here first!

If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.

But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!

So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.

Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.

The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.

Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.

You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!

patent this concept

Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.

Here's one...

"Device for extraction and removal of undesirable waste byproductions from nasal chambers without the use of manual dexterity on the part of the operator".

Patent the /. Effect

Let's patent the /. Effect.
"Large amounts of Interent traffic generated from page linking."

I've got my eyes on this patent

Biological optical character recognition.

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My patent

Claims:

1. A mixture of compounds and elements including Oxygen (O2) in gaseous form
   
2. A compound consisting of two parts hydrogen (H) and one part Oxygen (O) in liquid form
   
3. A combination of compounds and elements in solid form in sufficient quantity to form a planet that is roughly 24,000 miles in diameter, which is covered by 70% of the liquid in claim (2) above, and completely surrounded by the gases in claim (1) above.
   

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Zeroknowledge Shopping!

One step further than zero click shopping, and in honor of a product to prevent this [zeroknowledge.com], I'll be patenting "Zero-Knowledge" shopping (ZKS). It works like this:

1. "Customer" browses various, seemlingly unconnected web sites, all of which have innocent looking .gifs that track every page they look through harmless cookies.
2. The customer buys something at one of these sites, authorizing their credit card for use in future purchases. Don't worry, the customer is told this in the jargonfied fine print.
3. ZKS kicks in: according to the web pages that the new ZKS customer has visited recently, they are "sold" things that ZKS decides they need. Been visiting sites that review video cards? ZKS saves you the trouble of finding a site to sell you one!

This is one step better than targeted advertising. Targeted advertising only tells you what you should want to buy, but ZKS buys it for you! After ZKS has your credit card number, you'll never have to visit an annoying e-commerce web site again.

~=Keelor

The Double Click.

I'm going to drag out the guy who invented the mouse and patent the "double click". People will be forced to install "Click Counters" on all their machines, and you'll have to buy licenses for double-clicking from me.

Once you've neared the end of your 10,000 double clicks, you'll get a friendly reminder that you've only got 100 or so double clicks left before your license expires. (And, of course, you'll have to double-click to remove the pop-up window.)

I'll sue Microsoft first.

Re:Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation

I'll probably be modded down for this, but....

I was driving along in the Slashdot Cruiser with my main squeeze, Natalie Portman, reading this on my RedHat Linux 7.0 (woohooo!) laptop (which is the ONLY way to read Slashdot without crashing - I'm talking MS Windoze, not the tinkling of glass as you go through the windshield of the Slashdot Cruiser) when I spot a beowulf cluster of ex-Metallica fans wearing Napster T-shirts and one was carrying a sign that read, "Metallica - I used to be there biggist fan". I roll down the window on the Slashdot Cruiser (it's nice to know that some Windows actually work reliably) and yell, "Hey! Who do you think you are? Commander Taco?" Natalie Portman thought that was hysterical. She likes my sense of humor, but I'm sure that story's been posted before. I love it when she laughs and felt inspired to write a haiku, but then I realized that if this post were any longer someone might mistake me for Jon Katz, so I decided to stop right here.

What do I owe you?

P.I.L.E.S

Progressive Intuitive Logical Errata Stacks. a system that involves placing individual pieces of errata (paper, mt. dew bottles, parts, etc.) upon your desk until there is no usable workspace in non computer and monitor bearing surfaces

Re:patent this concept

I think I've got a better one:

Let's patent a system whereby teenage boys are excited by staring at pictures of one Miss Natalie Portman while speaking of Beowulf Clusters and pouring hot grits down their pants. Then, we shall proceed to sue Slashdot and each and every troll poster!

On to world domination!

Re:I've got my eyes on this patent

I claim: as an addition to biological optical character recognition a moisturizing agent: Tetral Ethanol Alpha Reverse Sriptinase or T.E.A.R.S. The aforesaid moisturizing agent would be used to lubricate and cleanse said biological optical character recognition means and provide a low friction lubrication method for the B.L.I.N.K. apparatus claimed in the aidoneous application.

Rapid Cocaine Delivery System

Powdered Cocaine to be mixed with the appropriate (secret) amounts of baking soda and water and cured at high heat to form a crumbly cake-like substance that can be cut into small cubes. This substance is to be used by placing into a glass pipe and smoked with the use of either a butane lighter, propane torch, or similar flame making instrument.

Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.

LK

I think The Onion says is best...

Here. [theonion.com] For those of you who don't follow The Onion, this story is about Micro$oft patenting ones and zeros, and forcing all other companies to pay them royalties. Probably the best example of a worst-case scenario with our patent system :P Colin Winters

SPAM

Self-Propagating-Anonymous-Mail

An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.

Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.

This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.

The wheel

I think Asimov (or was it Clarke?) had a story where a person was able to patent the wheel and get royalty payments from everyone.

Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.

Gotcha all beat!

I'm patenting a new keyboard that has one new key on it. The new key is the sig key, and it's such a revolutionary idea, I NEED a patent just to stop others from copying this idea.

Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.

There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!

The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with Amazon.com. If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and Amazon.com has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!

Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!

But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!

As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!

Re:Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation

Sadly, Signal 11 has all the prior art.

I'm applying for a patent on...

A highly sophisticated (in most cases) sort of computer with no moving parts, powered mostly by oxygen, caffeine, and sugar, with nearly unlimited storage space (though it's not always all accessible when you need something from it) and an average working life of about 80 years. It never needs to be upgraded (would be a bit messy to try, anyway), and it needs no keyboard, mouse, or other input devices it didn't come with.

In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*

And you thought he was kidding.........

This contest does appear to be in vilation of the following patent.....

USP# 5,916,024
Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
Issued : June 29, 1999
Author : Henry Von Kohorn

What is claimed is:

1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:

transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;

establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;

scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;

transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;

following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;

transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;

enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;

providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;

programming said recording device by said signals; and

said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.

(It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )

VOSW and Layer 0 Switching

Please enter my two submissions.

VOSW:

With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".

Layer 0 Switching:

A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!

Drag-n-Drop Shopping

A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.

Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.

CHEAP BASTARD!

$50 gift certificate? Man, I dare you, I double, I triple dare YOU to finance the actual registration of the winning patent! *I* would pay $50 as my contribution!!!

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One Handed Food

A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.

Application for FP

U.S. Patent Application:

The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.

Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.

[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.

Multi-scale network Interconnect

An integrated system of network devices and physical cabling infrastructure in which each node (e.g. computing device) has a unique network address number. A distributed hierarchical database of paths (routes) between addresses may be used to dynamically determine how to get data from one node to another, based on the existence or speed of available network paths. By utilizing the same infrastructure within an organizational boundary, an entity (e.g., a business or educational institution) may interconnect their internal set of network devices and infrastructure with the outside world. Potential socially beneficial applications for this multi-scale network interconnect include e-commerce and massive direct marketing based on electronic text messages.

• Greg

Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm)

Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.

-Jason

Please Cease and Desist

You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.

Get them where it really hurts.

Patent the business process of "patenting".
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.

Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.

Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation

Method for soliciting recognition via an exploitation of the memetic tendencies of the geek archetype.

Abstract

A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.

Claims

1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.

2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.

3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.

4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.

5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.

6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.

7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.

8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.

9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.

10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.

13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.

...so, now that I've managed to patent most of trolling and karma whoring, the quality of discussion on Slashdot should improve exponentially.

Re:Get them where it really hurts.

Why does this remind me of the one about trademarking the letter 'l' and then suing
the number '1' for 'look and feel'

I'd like to patent...

...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.
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