Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest 896
As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.
So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."
Remember, you saw it here first!
If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.
But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!
So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.
Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.
The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.
Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.
You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!
Re:patent this concept (Score:2)
Nutritional Consumption Aid (Score:2)
I have for quite some time held the patent and all exclusive rights to design, produce and market a handheld nutritional consumption aid, and out of the spirit of generousity and the goodness of my heart, I've elected not to enforce my patent. However, due to recent changes in the economy, I must being inforcing my right to collect a financial reward for my years of toiling research. Handheld nutritional consumption aids, commonly known as "siverware," are now commonplace in America, and indeed in most of the civilized world. Billions of people benefit from my intellectual property each and every day, yet I'm faced with ever-increasing debt, student loans, and a strong desire to consume six bottles of Killian's Irish Red while completing my evil bastard project from hell for my operating systems class. I regret that I must ask for some compensation for my years of hard work, however, I only ask that users of my hand held nutritional consumption aids pay a nominal fee of $.05 American dollars for each day that they use them. This amounts to only $18.25 per individual per calander year, and will allow me to attain a healthy income of roughly $7,000,000,000 per year. This will be used to research new and more effective handheld nutritional consumption aids, and buy me lots of good beer.
Thank you.
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method for increasing karma (Score:2)
(1) Creation of a second on-line persona, distinct from the one to which the "karma" is to be awarded.
(2) Posting to the message board using the first on-line persona.
(3) Logging in to the message board using the second on-line persona.
(4) Using the message board's moderation system to rate the post by submitted as the first persona as "informative", "insightful", or "funny".
Re:Drag-n-Drop Shopping (Score:2)
Believe it or not ... (Score:2)
I worked for a client that had designed tools to do EXACTLY that. And they probably already have it patented. So, I don't think your entry can count :-) Big Business has beat you to the punch.
Using the Force for Good (Score:2)
Whenever you see a brain dead piece of software design - take a trawl through the Interface Hall of Shame [iarchitect.com] for inspiration - then patent the lousy practice.
Since no one will want to pay our steep royalties to use the lousy ideas then eventually only the intelligent and intuitive software design will remain.
A great idea, huh? Better patent it. .-)
Regards, Ralph.
Re:Drag-n-Drop Shopping (Score:2)
Regards, Ralph.
Re:CHEAP BASTARD! (Score:2)
Re:Drag-n-Drop Shopping (Score:2)
Psychic Purchasing System. (-1 Click Purchasing) (Score:2)
The Patent Office (Score:2)
-Waldo
(A tip o' the weinerdog to Spax [slashdot.org].)
Patent on Sex, reproduction, education & society. (Score:2)
Due to the fragile nature of biological informational nodes, a process is necessary to ensure that data contained within nodes is not permanently lost.
To ensure continuity of data, more nodes are required before the denaturing of the original data carriers, and the data replicated onwards to the new nodes, such that distributed data storage forms a reliable method of ensuring that stored data is not lost, and, if necessary, more new nodes may be spawned to ensure the capacity of the database may expand to support all required data
This patent covers the use of low frequency vibrational movement to induce an exothermic reaction between two biological informational nodes in such a way that information exchange occurs necessary to initiate the creation of one or more new biological nodes with basic operating systems necessary to receive further data from existing data nodes suficient to maintain integrity of the overall system.
In the beginning there was the word (Score:2)
Due to the constant violation of this patent by milliards of people, we have what we have...
Patenting a process for manual self-gratification (Score:2)
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to cough up!
Patenting a process for manual self-gratification (Score:2)
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to couch up!
FINANCE THE ACTUAL PATENTING OF THE WINNER (Score:2)
up to $200 from the company I own towards the
winner.
Go out and get a buncha people who will commit
to this. I'll even send the money in advance if you want proof.
CMON have some COJONES! It will make CNN and
bring this farce to the public's attention.
Mass collection/retention system (Score:2)
placed without relying on mere inertia.
This is done by conducting all business or related operations near a large mass that is specially tuned to create a Grav-I-Tee[tm] field. [The
tuning process to cause the Grav-I-Tee[tm] field is described in a related but seperate patent.]
Inside this field, masses tend to be attracted towards the centre of the large main mass.
When used with other patents (such as Tables[tm], Chairs[tm], Buildings[tm], Floors[tm]), masses, thru static friction caused by the force of their attraction to the main mass against these surfaces, will stay in place far more effectively than relying on mere moments of inertia.
Transporting a gas through a liquid (Score:2)
Re:Rapid Cocaine Delivery System (Score:2)
LK
Binary (Score:2)
This one is for the moderators. (Score:2)
A mixture of Cocaine Hydroxide and an extending agent ("base") is placed in the indentation of the device ("bowl") and intense heat is applied to the cocaine mixture ("rock"), thereby vaporizing the the narcotic component, and freeing it from the base. The vapors are then inhaled ("hit") and intoxication ("high") is obtained.
A marketing strategy for use with the device will also be patented, as follows:
The salesman ("dealer") will provide the pipe and a sample of substance ("crack") to the consumer ("crackhead") who will thereby become addicted to the substance and will require more devices ("crack pipes"). Fierce protection of IP rights will be necessary, including the bribing of law enforcement, and turf control.
These devices ("crack pipes") may be particularly useful to weblog ("Slashdot") moderators.
--K
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Please help Europe! (OT - but *very* important) (Score:2)
The European Parliament are soon (in November) going to decide whether Europe should change the current patent laws and thereby making software patents a reality in Europe too.
There is a Petition for a Software Patent Free Europe here [eurolinux.org] - please sign it, if you haven't already.
Online Distributed Consulting Service (Score:2)
The consultant receives questions from his customer, and then posts the questions to the Internet Oracle, Ask Slashdot, and Usenet newsgroups. Then he retrieves the answers and forwards them to his customer. This reduces expense since the consultants do not need expensive education or expertise with the topic(s).
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Two patents (Score:2)
One Patent:
Completely different innovative patent:
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Printed Document Correction System (Score:2)
Sometimes when people take paper out of a laser printer, they pick it up in such a way that the print is upside down, and therefore they must take the additional step of turning the paper right-side-up before they can read it.
My innovative apparatus is an electronic digital computer with a central processing unit, some RAM, a ROM containing some software, and two printer ports. One of the apparatus' printer ports is plugged into the output printer port of an electronic digital computer that is used to generate documents. When the document computer outputs a document through it's port, this apparatus renders the document onto a bitmap stored in it's RAM. Then it reads the bitmap starting at the bottom, working its way up, and sends this through its second printer port, to a laser printer. This results in the document being printed upside-down, so that when the user picks up the paper upside-down, the documents appears right-side-up, eliminating the laborous extra step of having to turn the paper over before being able to read it.
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WWW shopping on legacy computers (Score:2)
This innovative process allows legacy computers which lack network adapters, to become linked to one another and even access the World Wide Web for shopping purposes. IP datagrams are encoded into a 36-value character set (0-9, A-Z) and then fragmented into 72-byte subpackets. The subpackets are sent to a card puncher that writes the subpackets to a card.
The cards are then transfered, by whatever means are convenient, to a second electronic digital computer that contains a card reader. The cards are read to form subpackets, which are then reassembled to form IP datagrams, which can then be routed to their destination.
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Stupid Patent (Score:2)
Method for interactive menu option selection (Score:2)
The user manipulates a pointing device of the client computer to move the mouse pointer to their choice of menu option. Upon the mouse pointer entering the pixelspace of a particular graphical image, the image changes to an altered image yet similar image, indicating the image option under the cursor is the option presently under user consideration and also indicating that the image is a viable user choice, distinguishing it from other non-interactive images which do not comprise of valid menu options. If the user has decided that the specific menu option represented by the below-mouse image is their desired choice, he or she depresses and releases the primary mouse button quickly and the choice is registered, via the network, with the server.
Method of spelling to increase typist's leetness (Score:2)
Single character substitutions may be made at any point as follows
substrings:
a => 4
i => !,|
e => 3,=
l => 1
o => 0
s => $
t => +,7
c => k
k => c
String subtitutions may be made at any time as follows:
ate => 8
you => u
f => ph
Punctuation within the body of a sentence can and should be ignored if possible. Punctuation at the end of the sentence should be repeated for extended effect. In addition, the unshifted key used for typing a punctuation mark can be used in that mark's place.
Miscellanous
The word "I" may be replaced with "eye".
Silent letters may be dropped or replaced with other silent letters.
Common acronym interjections, such as LOL, ROFL, WTF, OMG, etc. are the prefered way of expressing emotions such as suprising, elation, amusement, etc.
The prefix k- can be added to any adjective or adverb.
Capitalization is entirely up to the typist.
Thus can a normally bland sentence, such as "Now I know how to type well!" can be transformed into the more effectively leet phrase "0MG n0w eye gN0 h0w +o +yp3 k-W=11!!!!1!!". Well-executed translations like this will mark the typist as a truly ph33rs0me individually far to leet to ignore.
Really applying for the winning patent (Score:2)
"When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun...
E-Commerce (Score:2)
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Zero Click Shopping (Score:2)
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Re:Drag-n-Drop Shopping (Score:2)
You could also do "21+N*1 click shopping". 21 clicks total are required to activate the 21+N*1-click shopping feature for that user, and after that, they can click once on the item they want and it will be sent to their door. N being the number of items they choose to purchase using this feature...
Potato Gun Powered E-Commerse System (Score:2)
This patent covers the latest innovation in supplying the corporate consumer with an Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 1) The power supply for the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending) for shall consist of a large tub of water above which rests a pTurbine attached to an electrical generator.
iSection 2) Trained iOperators (preferably ones with a MSCE) shall aim their iPotatoGuns at the tub of water and repeatedly fire. Repeated bombardment shall cause the temperature of the eTub to increase. As the eTub's temperature rises high enough, steam will start to form and rise upward. This steam shall cause the pTurbine to rotate in a Mission Critical manner, causing eLectricity to be generated which can be used to power the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 3) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerse Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending)'s pTurbine (situated above the eTub as stated in iSection 1) will lead directly into an e-Computer's pPower Supply.
iSection 4) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall run any iDeployment of an eCommerce web server. (Note: this patent does not cover such concepts as "Electronic Commerce", "Online Purchasing", only "eCommerce".)
iSection 5) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall utilise a unique, branded, Synergistically iDeveloped 3 CLICK eCommerce and Purchasing mEthodology, whereby any user who has clicked his or her pointing device at least 3 times within 5 mintes prior to ePurchasing (commencing in eCommerce with the iCorporation utilising the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending)) any goods or services.
iSection 6) There is no iSection 6.
US Pat. #5398028^432: Karma assignment (Score:2)
Wherein this patent is applied for, herein defining a method of determining the relative coolness of a person using a system hereafter referred to as karma.
The mechanism uses a community made up mostly of clueless Linux zealots and anti-everything "rebels" to assign points to comments made by users, thereby raising or lowering their karma.
Next week: Sig11 applies for a patent on karma whoring and an AC sues, claiming it a violation of the karma limit patent!
=RISCy Business
your company here. [fuckedcompany.com]
One-Click Stopping (Score:2)
Multiple-Click Stopping: Same as One-Click but with enhanced entertainment value by requiring multiple clicks to stop the transaction. The moving image may lost parts, change direction, or have other interactive reaction to the clicks.
Enhancing Score under a Credibility Metric (Score:2)
Seven techniques are claimed for enhancing individual scores under any credibility metric of any electronic forum. Credibility metric is defined as any means of measuring and ranking the credibility of the participants of an electronic forum. Electronic forum is defined as any computer system that allows the posting, archival, and retrieval of messages of one or more users.
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Patent: A system for a creation of Prior Art (Score:2)
NOTE: Prior Art created by myself three days before Roblimo's post.
A system where participants are asked to develop patentable systems for the purpose of creating prior art for parodying the existing patent system and/or invalidating subsequent patents where:
(1) Patentable systems are publicly posted and available to third parties without access restrictions.
(2) Enticement to post patentable systems may be encouraged by means of contest.
(3) Scoring of patentable systems may be made by a random moderation system of registered users of the system.
(4) Meta-moderation of such moderation may also be performed by a moderation system with random and voluntary participation by registered users.
(5) A pre-selected panel of implementors may choose between the most highly moderated systems in order to bestow a reward based on originality (or lack thereof), believability (or lack thereof), and humor value (or lack thereof).
(6) Systems related to "Zero Click Shopping" may be moderated down to a score of (-1, Redundant).
(7) Systems related to the exciting "First Post Technology" may be moderated randomly.
(8) Systems related to a system for creation of prior art may be moderated as (5, Insightful).
I'm sorry, Roblimo. But I patented your contest just days before it happened. I demand you remove this contest IMMEDIATELY or legal action may be taken against you, Slashdot, Andover, and/or the Open Source Development Network.
"E-commerce Patent Creation Methodolgy" (Score:2)
"A method of taking a widely used activity (including, but not limited to: walking, banking, or listening to answering machine messages), and adding the synergistic effect of an electronic and/or online component in order to create a novel idea which is patentable."
The real kicker for this patent is that if it was actually granted, it could put an end to more of those silly e-commerce patents being granted. Well, at least, without the owner of this patent being the part owner of subsequent e-commerce patents.
Re:Patent the /. Effect PART II (Score:2)
Stupid Patent Pool Submission: "Slashdot Effect"
"A method of harnessing the collective click streams by harvesting the eyeballs of a devoted interest group in order to provide a positive reward stream to media outlets which provide stories of value to said interest group. The reward stream is generated by the number of advertising impressions generated by the volumatic traffic, and the innevitable and accidental click-throughs to said advertisements."
Patent: Poronographic Fax Delivery System (Score:2)
Scary. It could actually make money. (1-900-FAX-PORN or 1-900-PORN-FAX I suppose.)
Another FAX idea: USENET Delivery via FAX (Score:2)
"A novel delivery method by which a user may subscribe to USENET Newsgroups, and said newsgroups are delivered to the user by FAX, either on a per-article basis, or by daily summary. Features include, but are not limited to, automatic extraction and conversion to FAX format of images that are normaly represented as encoded ASCII data."
That's right! Get a subscription to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking" sent right to your boss' FAX machine.
Real-World Delivery Method for World Wide Web (Score:2)
A real-world method by which the World Wide Web is fully accessable to users without the aid of computer access where (1) The user is sent a form in the mail requesting a starting URL via scan-tron type alpha-numeric bubbles and (2) the user sends the form back to the service via self-addressed stamped envelope and (3) the service processes the user data and sends the user back a form with the URL requested where (4) the form is annotated with numbers representing links that can be clicked and number representing form fields that can be filled out in a scan-tron type alpha-number method where (5) the user fills in the appropriate bubble to select the link or (6) completed the form data and selects the link appropriate to the submission button where (7) the user sends the completed form back to the service where the procedure is then repeated starting at step 3.
That's right. "The ultimate in offline Internet access."
This is a method where people can surf the web via snail-mail and scantron bubbles.
One Gutteral Utterance Shopping Patent (Score:2)
I'm also going to patent one "glance" shopping, where you merely look at sections of the screen to buy things. People that want to implement shopping sites where it's user's vision is monitored in order to make purchases, you'll have to pay me 50% of your royalties!!!
New Loss Leader Business plan (Score:2)
The concept is simple; provide a service, namely instant unsolicited lavage of vehicular ports during brief periods of cessation. It is important to provide your own materials to do this -- thus the resemblance to the loss-leader model -- so that you can control the quality of the service. Depending upon customer temperment, you should either begin with a high quality service (and thus expect compensation), or a low quality service (afterwhich the customer will demand a high quality service, which you only provide after compensation).
The only start-up equipment needed is a bucket of water, a squeegee, and a street corner with a stoplight. Watch the income roll in!
patent: LANGUAGE, SPEAKING, COMMUNICATION (Score:2)
A series of signals sent between parties, which allow the transfer of information. These can be transmitted via audible, visible or tactile methods. Means of communication via scent and taste are currently in development.
My Patent (Score:2)
ABSTRACT
A method for transfering essential energy between groups of cohabitating organic material consists of an initial energy source whereby through radiation facilitates one group of organic material (primary group) infused with a forrest colored substance to sustain other cohabitating groups of organic materials (secondary group). The secondary group uses an oraface to intake the energy offered by the primay group.
Mother Nature will hear from my lawyers...
-- iCEBaLM
Community-based content moderation system (Score:2)
The audit process consists in attributing positive or negative traits to a post which add or increase the weight of these posts. Readers of the messages apply a special filter (covered in USPTO 313370031337) that filters out messages not reaching the desired threshold.
A secondary process allows the revision of past moderations so that incorrect moderation can be reviewed and undone.
Finally the 'worthiness' of members is evaluated by computing the totals of moderations, including reversed ones into a positive/negative scale. Those members that cross the first treshold are allowed onto the moderator pool. A second, higher threshold increases the initial weight of the member's post.
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Vote Inanimate Carbon Rod in 2000
Re:I've got my eyes on this patent (Score:2)
How about something a little more obscure, like the chemical reactions involved in vision? Or maybe "A (any) process for the conversion of ADP to ATP."
Stupid patent generator (Score:2)
Small Print
All patents generated by the "Stupid Patent Generator" will thereby become patented property of Stupid Patent Generator Inc. and it's respective owners
Translational Human Kinematics (Score:2)
Here wo go:
Method for creating a new universe (Score:2)
Abstract:
A method for starting a new UNIVERSE from a singularity which will cause apparent irregular expansion and development into astronomic bodies and features such as PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES radiating energy for an indefinite period of TIME then possibly expiring due to absolute conversion of MATTER to HEAT and/or constriction into a similar singularity.
Using a galactic singularity (a point of infintismally small size, w/o immediately measurable dimension or mass) to manufacture a UNIVERSE (application 1). The UNIVERSE is created by gathering all known matter into a singularity. Then, the singularity is explosively destroyed, spreading all gathered matter in all directions at a near infinite variety of velocities. Lighter matter is cast farther away from the singularity.
This UNIVERSE will also define physical limitations and expectations as it grows. Currently, said UNIVERSE may or may not reach an outer limit of expansion. Further, the UNIVERSE may, at some future point, return to a state of singularity.
As the universe expands, energy radiation (radio, infrared, light, ultraviolet and other 'cosmic' transmissions) will vary from point to point. As matter travels away from a stationary point (though all matter in this universe travels along a variety of axis) said radiations will appear to be lower in frequency. As matter approaches, it will appear to be higher in frequency. This is, within the realms of the present point of observation (the collective derivative work PLANET, separately documented) is the LOW/HIGH SHIFTY THINGY EFFECT (application 1, addendum BS).
As the UNIVERSE expands and (potentially) contracts, matter distribution is likely to be unevenly distributed as observed from any single stationary point. This however, is not likely to be a case, and an intentional design consideration (a.k.a BUG, sub derivative of derivative work PLANET). Energy from other portions of the UNIVERSE has been limited to appox. 299,792 KILOMETERS per SECOND (sub works of DISTANCE and TIME, both derivative of both PLANET and UNIVERSE) in the visible light spectrum. Other energy radiations have WAVELENGTH (1, addendum DA) variances, but are currently speed constant.
Said energy transmissions will carry meaningful data about other portions of the UNIVERSE, including, but not limited to PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES (applications 4-16 respective) and other particulate matter LIGHT and DARK (applications 2 and 3). Finally, the UNIVERSE exists largely by converting matter into HEAT. It is a design consideration that said UNIVERSE may cease operation after all matter has been converted to HEAT.
A DINING FACILITY (application 13, addendum ADAMS) may or may not exist near the point at which the UNIVERSE (potentially) returns to singularity.
A business Method Patent (Score:2)
In english: We're patenting filing obvious patents. We're also patenting outspending our opponents in court.
Roller Shopping (Score:2)
Re:My patent (Score:2)
Let's see. 3 times the diameter, so 27 times the volume? Gravity would be 9 times as big? It's been a long time since my last physics class, so someone correct me here. I don't relish weighing a ton.
--
Looking for a job [hotjobs.com]
Partnership Patent (Score:2)
Patent application for the practice of transacting rectangular paper items with pecuniary value. Such items were produced and manufactured by the laborious and painstaking research on behalf of the aforementioned company. In the event that other parties would, in the future, wish to license the process of transaction of these monetary bills, a per-transaction fee will be issued, which in turn will also warrant an additional fee.
How about a 'Pr0n Screen'? (Score:2)
[* These songs would be provided by the user. Pr0n Screen would not be held responsible for any copyright infringement incurred by the use of any
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
Re:One Handed Food (Score:2)
The problem:
Italian food - especially pasta - is delicious and healthy. In older times, we could simply sit down and enjoy a healthy meal. But these days, in the After Ford era, we don't have that luxury. Since our only source of nourishment is limited to a choice of fast food chains, we have to settle for burgers, pseudo-Mexican food, or various arrangements of extruded chicken parts.
The solution:
The answer is the Spaghetti Burrito. It is a generous helping of pasta and tangy sauce rolled into a flour burrito shell. It can be eaten in one hand. Properly wrapped, it won't leak or tear.
The details:
The Spaghetti Burrito is prepared from pasta, sauce, and the shell. It is flash-frozen and packaged for foodservice distribution. At the restaurant, it is kept frozen until needed. Cooking is simply a matter of dropping into a deep-fry vat until golden brown.
Is this a winner or what?
Business Method: Darwinian Boss Management (Score:2)
This document describes the business method on creating a knowledgeable management team in a corporation using Darwinian processses: 'Survival of the less stupid'.
Process Flow:
- Manager A is faced with issue for which he is responsible.
- Knowledgeable employee B is under direct management of manager A.
- Manager A tells knowledgeable employee B to offer multiple options on resolving issue.
- Knowledgeable employee B works out one perfect solution (option 1), and two stupid alternatives (options 2 and 3), presents them to manager A.
- Manager A picks a solution
option 1) Good solution -> company does well. Re-iterate process.
option 2 or 3) Stupid solution -> company does bad. Fire manager A, promote dumb employee C to management level, re-iterate.
Continuous iteration of this process will eventually lead to managers picking only option 1, which results in a company that IPO's bigtime -> knowledgeable employee B gets loaded with stock-options.
Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.
A Method for annoying people... (Score:2)
Upon contacting Party B, Party A then communicates the phrase "Wasssaaaap!"
Redundant computerised spacecraft launches (Score:2)
My Patent (Score:2)
Approval for Patent #4566345345
Title: Hierarchical Binary-Tree Sales Structure
We invented the pyramid scheme first. Amway, Shaklee, Nu-Skin, and myriad vitamin companies may have unwittingly been using OUR patented sales structure for the last 40 years, but we are now ready to defend OUR legally obtained patent as approved by the USPTO. Cease and desist letters are already in the mail. All pyramid scheme and MLM companies will know fear and cower before our patent! Cease & desist now or flee like the dogs that you are!
Too Late (Score:2)
Zero Thought Shopping (Score:2)
Wait a second, this MAY have been done already [cuecat.com]....
---There is no spoon....---
One click format (Score:2)
Now being licensed by MightyE.org [mightye.org]! You read it there first!
Residence to Residence (R2R) Sales (Score:2)
In a typical R2R transaction, an agent will first engage the client in a series of 'hand-shake' interactions. Using a question-response protocol, the agent will ascertain the current status of the client, the physiological status of the client, and the clients willingness to, for example, have a carpet that shines as it did when it was new.
Following the 'hand-shake', the agent will transfer a block of information about the goods/services that he/she is offering. This transfer of information (known colloquilly as 'the pitch') will use a simple XOR error-correction protocol (in the form of questions/response sessions mid pitch) to determine that the client is still responding (example: 'You don't want a dirty carpet, do you?').
Following the transfer, the agent will begin another series of transactions with the client to ascertain readiness to take delivery of the R2R goods/services. Following a succesful negotiation during this communication, the transaction will complete with one final 'handshake' protocol interaction.
I affirm that I believe the above interaction (to be known as R2R Transactions or 'Door to door sales') to be unique and without precedent.
I think this topic needs more Mod points (Score:2)
There are a lot of good, good idea wallowing in +1 or +2 despair because moderators stopped after the usual 50 or so posts and have moved on to new topics.
This is a much too popular topic for standard moderation rules (700+ posts and it isn't even one of those major troll fests).
In fact, I will be flat out fricking flabbergasted if this post right here gets moderated...up or down.
Someone wanna prove me wrong and prove that moderators are still sticking it out and giving good posts a chance at the judges eyes?
- JoeShmoe
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Re:Patent the /. Effect (Score:2)
Hrm, well just FYI I wasn't intending to rip you off, although I did do a more patent-esque explanation than you.
- JoeShmoe
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A Distributed System for Competition Removal (Score:2)
- JoeShmoe
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patent this concept (Score:3)
Here's one... (Score:3)
Patent the /. Effect (Score:3)
"Large amounts of Interent traffic generated from page linking."
I've got my eyes on this patent (Score:3)
Biological optical character recognition.
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My patent (Score:3)
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Zeroknowledge Shopping! (Score:3)
- "Customer" browses various, seemlingly unconnected web sites, all of which have innocent looking
.gifs that track every page they look through harmless cookies.
- The customer buys something at one of these sites, authorizing their credit card for use in future purchases. Don't worry, the customer is told this in the jargonfied fine print.
- ZKS kicks in: according to the web pages that the new ZKS customer has visited recently, they are "sold" things that ZKS decides they need. Been visiting sites that review video cards? ZKS saves you the trouble of finding a site to sell you one!
This is one step better than targeted advertising. Targeted advertising only tells you what you should want to buy, but ZKS buys it for you! After ZKS has your credit card number, you'll never have to visit an annoying e-commerce web site again.~=Keelor
The Double Click. (Score:3)
Once you've neared the end of your 10,000 double clicks, you'll get a friendly reminder that you've only got 100 or so double clicks left before your license expires. (And, of course, you'll have to double-click to remove the pop-up window.)
I'll sue Microsoft first.
Re:Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation (Score:3)
I was driving along in the Slashdot Cruiser with my main squeeze, Natalie Portman, reading this on my RedHat Linux 7.0 (woohooo!) laptop (which is the ONLY way to read Slashdot without crashing - I'm talking MS Windoze, not the tinkling of glass as you go through the windshield of the Slashdot Cruiser) when I spot a beowulf cluster of ex-Metallica fans wearing Napster T-shirts and one was carrying a sign that read, "Metallica - I used to be there biggist fan". I roll down the window on the Slashdot Cruiser (it's nice to know that some Windows actually work reliably) and yell, "Hey! Who do you think you are? Commander Taco?" Natalie Portman thought that was hysterical. She likes my sense of humor, but I'm sure that story's been posted before. I love it when she laughs and felt inspired to write a haiku, but then I realized that if this post were any longer someone might mistake me for Jon Katz, so I decided to stop right here.
What do I owe you?
P.I.L.E.S (Score:3)
Re:patent this concept (Score:3)
Let's patent a system whereby teenage boys are excited by staring at pictures of one Miss Natalie Portman while speaking of Beowulf Clusters and pouring hot grits down their pants. Then, we shall proceed to sue Slashdot and each and every troll poster!
On to world domination!
Re:I've got my eyes on this patent (Score:3)
Rapid Cocaine Delivery System (Score:4)
Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.
LK
I think The Onion says is best... (Score:4)
SPAM (Score:4)
An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.
Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.
This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.
The wheel (Score:4)
Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.
Gotcha all beat! (Score:4)
Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.
There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!
The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with Amazon.com. If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and Amazon.com has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!
Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!
But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!
As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!
Re:Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation (Score:4)
I'm applying for a patent on... (Score:4)
In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*
And you thought he was kidding......... (Score:4)
USP# 5,916,024
Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
Issued : June 29, 1999
Author : Henry Von Kohorn
What is claimed is:
1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:
transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;
establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;
scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;
transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;
following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;
transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;
enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;
providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;
programming said recording device by said signals; and
said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.
(It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )
VOSW and Layer 0 Switching (Score:4)
VOSW:
With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".
Layer 0 Switching:
A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!
Drag-n-Drop Shopping (Score:5)
Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.
CHEAP BASTARD! (Score:5)
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One Handed Food (Score:5)
Application for FP (Score:5)
The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.
Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.
[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.
Multi-scale network Interconnect (Score:5)
Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) (Score:5)
-Jason
Please Cease and Desist (Score:5)
Get them where it really hurts. (Score:5)
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.
Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.
Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation (Score:5)
Abstract
A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.
Claims
1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.
2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.
3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.
4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.
5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.
6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.
7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.
8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.
9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.
10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.
13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.
Re:Get them where it really hurts. (Score:5)
the number '1' for 'look and feel'
I'd like to patent... (Score:5)
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