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Journal blinder's Journal: Realizations? 32

Journal by blinder

i can't help but think how fucking sick and tired everyone is of my shit... so i'm telling you now, that maybe you should just skip this.

this shit isn't getting any easier. i can't eat anything, i feel sick. my head is hurting and i can't seem to stop crying this morning. i'm at work right now but i probably shouldn't be... but i don't know where else to go. god i don't know its just i feel so stupid... i mean dave is out there somewhere in texas going through some amazingly hard shit right now and i'm just a weepy little fuckup.

and this too shall pass... well when the fuck does it pass!!! Okay... ha ha, the joke was pretty fucking funny for a while there... but for fuck's sake... its old now. time isn't doing shit for me right now.

i don't know who the fuck i am... yeah, i can hear you "snap the fuck out of it already" and "but you seemed to be doing so well" yeah, well I thought i was too but well, i feel like i have this burning chunk rotting iron in my stomach.

i feel like a damn fool, i feel stupid, i feel completely vacant... so what brought all this on? a combination of factors... Richard knows some of it, but also i think i had a realization last night that tracy never actually really loved me, ever. maybe she thought she could at the beginning... but now, hindsight and all... i'm not even sure if she liked me all that much. maybe i'm an unlovable/unlikable person. i've considered that, and well... if the shoe fits.

i know that's just a load of bullshit... but lets see, lets do the math here. when was the last time she actually touched me??? um yeah that would be 4 years... how could i have let this happen to me???? HOW???? How could I have allowed myself to live like that? Well, that's ancient fucking history... now in the here and now i'm left with the wreckage and today its like 10,000 tons of sludge (from new york and new jersey... yeah, fucking pixies reference). All i want is someone to help carry the load for me for a while... i can make it on my own... but shit... sometimes its nice to have a hand. all i ever want is just someone to stop bye to see how i'm doing... just to acknowledge my existence. that's it... i'm not asking for a lot here... or maybe i am. its my own damn fault... i only have myself to blame.

i just feel like a total failure right now... yeah, tomorrow i'll get up, go through the motions... dust myself off and see where I'm at... but i live in the here and now... and not tomorrow... and today, this is shit. i just want to run till i puke, then run some more... i want to punch something, i want to feel something break... its like this despair-rage tempered with just an all consuming sick feeling.

look i just wanted to spill my guts here, because i don't trust anyone else to communicate these words to... and i'm not seeing my therapist till friday... so i need a release.

i'm sorry everyone, you don't need this shit.

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Realizations? More

Realizations?

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  • Email me your number sometime (I know TL will extend the same courtesy). I'll call you from time to time to talk about stuff, see how your doing, etc...
    • He has my number, and I try to catch him on IM when I can.
      • No, he needs to give ME his number, so I can call him up at two in the morning and breathe heavy. ;-)

        Really, Dave, you *are* likeable, and I'm sure even lovable, particularly when you look at all the fuckwads out there who have women swooning all over themselves just to try to be close to them.

        Here's an idea -- not particularly insightful, and doesn't solve your issues, but... When I'm feeling really crappy for whatever reasons, I try to force myself to do something nice for someone else. Even if it's a
        • I try to force myself to do something nice for someone else. Even if it's as simple as holding a door open and smiling

          You know, that's exactly what I did last night. I just got really antsy last night, so around 8pm i went out and got some chai at the local starbucks and was wandering around... and I saw this woman with her kids (stroller plus toddler) trying to open the door to the Barnes & Noble... well i sped up and held the door open for her. She smiled and thanked me and i smiled and said "you're
    • okay, i will, thanks :)

  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • The Fact that you are _feeling_ something, and not numb to the world means that you are making progress. Think about the pool souls that numb themselves with drugs and alcohol so they do not have to experience the pain of life. They make no progress in their lifes journey, and slowly rot in an emotional vacuum.

    This will not last, you are taking positive measures to deal with your life. It's hard, but keep up the hard work and you will perservere.

    Been there, done that, achieved happyness.

  • but sometimes, just knowing that someone else has been there, does help.

    i think i had a realization last night that tracy never actually really loved me, ever. maybe she thought she could at the beginning... but now, hindsight and all... i'm not even sure if she liked me all that much.

    The thing you need to look at here is that tracy had her own "stuff" to work through. You mentioned that in a previous JE, so you need to own your stuff, and let her own her own baggage.

    maybe i'm an unlovable/unlikable pe

  • I was in your shoes for quite a while (came from growing up among Mennonites and German Apostolic Christians- the constant message I got in grade school is that I was evil because my family had a TV set). The key for me was finding somebody with complementary problems- I ended up marrying a dyslexic. She can write, I can spell, between us we're a whole person.

    Seems to me what you need is to find a good dating service and start getting out there again; the dystopia you had with Tracy is not what was meant
    • Comment removed based on user account deletion
      • Pratum, OR had a couple of incredibly conservative churches- IIRC they had a sister community in Illinois and would trade generations of children to prevent inbreeding. NOT Amish anti-technology by any means- no place close actually, these people had tractors, computers, phones, electrictity, etc. Anti-mass-media and anti-entertainment technology would be a better description- you could always tell a good year on the farms by the number of new mini vans and tractors you'd see, but none of them would have
  • I've heard this from so many different sources I have to wonder if it has value, but anyway -- many people talk of the "1 month of grief per year" rule when it comes to losing people...be it through divorce or death or whatever.

    Frankly, I think it's a load of shit, because people grieve differently. However, I also think that you're demanding an awful lot of yourself right now and it may give you some perspective. Or not, in which case you can think it's a load of shit as well. But it's only been a mon

    • Stop beating yourself up and comparing yourself to others.

      its not a comparison per se, is that its more of how I gauge the world... because right now my world doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

      Things fall into place for me late. Always have, so what you see here is inexperience, plain and simple. I'm just tripping and stumbling through this stuff and because I have no past experience with this stuff... i use what i can to gauge my reality.

      Does that at all make sense?

      But anyway, thanks. your post read
    • many people talk of the "1 month of grief per year" rule when it comes to losing people

      Can't say this rule has much truth to it, at least in my experience. I had about a day for my grandmother and a fortnight for my grandfather when they died. Yet around 12 months (and to be honest, nearly 4 years, albeit to a lesser extent) when my girlfriend left.

  • but Violence is the answer. As R. Lee Eremy [rleeermey.com] says in Saving Silverman:

    "Is that it? Just kill her!"

    "Aww coach we can't do that..."

    "Yes you can!"

    Blinder! You can do it! You're smart, resourceful. They'll never find her body! And right before the crushing blow you can ask her, "Did you ever love me?"

    She'll answer honestly and then you'll know. But, uh, buddy, no matter what the answer you have to finish her off.

    *I am a fucking plethora of good advice -- I should have a TV show*
  • The blinder I know doesn't mope.

    The blinder I know is funny and engaging.

    The blinder I know is creative and intelligent.

    The blinder I know is better than this.

    The blinder I know will move on shortly.
    • that blinder will return momentarily. Systems are down right now due to excessive volume. Please stand bye.

      Thanks em, trust me... like i said... i'll dust myself off, pick my sorry ass off the floor and continue to fight the good fight? Why? Because its fucking worth it.
      • The system is down... the system is down...

        Argh, now I have strongbad's techno in my head.

        Glad you're feeling better today; sucks to be depressed. But sometimes I just have to get the 'depressed' feeling out of me, so I can move on. Maybe the same with you?
  • like redhead-kitten, I'm not sure this will help either, but what you are describing is exactly how I felt too (6 years together, and *crash* -- it's been 6 years now since it ended, and I'm in another healthy relationship, but she is still there - it's forever part of who I am). Reading your JEs gives me chills and my eyes get all wet because it hits so close to home. The only light-at-the-end that I can offer is that the cycle of good/bad becomes slower and slower, and the 'bads' became less painfull an

  • Stuff (Score:2)

    by Tet ( 2721 ) *
    i can't help but think how fucking sick and tired everyone is of my shit

    Actually, no. All I'm thinking is how much I sympathise. I've been there, I've done that. Hell, to an extent, I'm still there and still doing it. The nausea, the lack of appetite, the empty, useless feelings, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness - the knowledge that you had no say in the direction your life has taken, the wondering if you're entire life is going to be this miserable from this point on... yeah, I know about that. P

  • Let's see:

    Call me
    BTDT
    It takes time
    You're a pussy

    But in all seriousness, this sounds more 'normal'. Way back in the dark ages when I last had a relationship crumble, it was two steps forward, three steps back for a long time. Talking, even if nobody responds, is helpful. And I'll be here to listen.

  • Hi.

    How ya doin'? Not well, i know. Just stopping in to see how ya are. What's up, where you at, and all that. Sit down, tell me about it.

    That out of the way, sweetie, NOW LISTEN UP.

    Give our blinder a freakin' BREAK!!! You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling. No apologies. We love you, we care, and if you're crying, we wanna know so we can help!!!!! But no matter what, even if we were all a bunch of lameass cowards who didn't understand and couldn't pull our heads out of our collective backside lo
  • It is in vain that a man of sound mind and cool temper understands the condition of such a wretched being, in vain he counsels him. He can no more communicate his own wisdom to him than a healthy man can instil his strength into the invalid by whose bedside he is seated.

    -The Sorrows of Werther by Goethe

    :-/
  • if i didn't want to read your stuff, i wouldn't scan my messages to see if you'd written anything before i got to it just going down the list one by one. i am interested in how you're doing. i care what happens to you. from the responses you've gotten here in just a few hours, i'd say i'm far from being the only one.

    in my opinion, we are friends. notice i did not include the phrase "fair weather" anywhere in that sentence. if you need to talk to somebody, i want to be on the list. if you need people
  • of your journal since I friended you, it sounds very much like my blog from . [xanga.com]

    the big thing to always remember is that you'll get through this. you're going to wake up some days and feel like total shit, and others you will be fine.

    i've found that helping others helps, knowing i made somebody else's life a little easier or better or made them happier, makes me a little bit happier as well.

    if you want to talk to somebody who's been there, in the same place although not for the same reasons, email me
  • Not because of our private conversation, by the way.

    This is the end of the grief honeymoon. Many a PhD dissertation has been written about it, those of us who deal with grief for a living expect it like floods after a rain.

    I saw it, I knew it was happeneing, but mentioning it to you might have deprived you of the real value of the experience, which I will clumsily and inadequately try to explain.

    In some measure, your jump to G and the high around all that was an attempt to wiggle out of your situation.

  • So.. (Score:2)

    by ryanr ( 30917 ) *
    Are you pissed off at her yet? I still am. C'mon, catch up with the group.
  • It's a fucking fallacy to try to compare suffering. You are not going through what the dubious one is, you're going through something different, and you are someone different. Don't even try to compare the two, they're apples and oranges.

    And as to putting up with your shit. Well, we're anonymous people on a forum. If any of us got good and sick of it, we could leave or just not respond. It's not like you're checking the zoo and if someone doesn't respond to one of these you track them down and force y
  • i mean dave is out there somewhere in texas going through some amazingly hard shit right now and i'm just a weepy little fuckup.

    Dave is dealing with someone else's amazingly hard shit. That's not the same thing as dealing with your own amazingly hard shit. I can and do think about other things. No matter how much I care, it's fundamentally not my problem I'm dealing with. There's a whole shitload of difference.

    Like I told HBI or somebody in a comment before, compared to her life, mine's not even cak

  • Seriously, it's your journal and you should say what you want to say. We're reading because we care about what's going on with you. If people don't want to read it they won't, but remember that a lot of us do want to read it and we all know that letting it out is helping or will help.

    My e-mail and such aren't posted but I will gladly send them along if you want them-- always willing to talk if I can help in any way.

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