I have been with my wife for almost 8 years. This July will mark that actual occasion. We dated almost as soon as we met and, on our first long night together spilled our souls to each others. Our vulnerabilities, desires, and thoughts. There was a strong spark there, and we both spoke with deep, deep honesty. Indeed that was the cornerstone of our relationship.
But, things change. There was a good deal of stress from money. From kids. From job. From life. And our relationship suffered. I made many mistakes, as did she. We both tried in our own ways to make it work. But, it was not enough. And, though I know she bears some blame, too, I know deeply, earnestly, and painfully what I did. And, more importantly, what I did not do.
That spark we shared that night is but a memory now. I can't even say when it finally gave way to dark, save that I now know it will not be re-lit. I feel a depth of sadness and loss that can overwhelm to tears, but I also know a lightening of relief: their is, after all, a certain comfort in finality.
Some of you know some of the details, but please know how many more there are, and please respect that I do not want all those details known. Which probably goes without saying since I wouldn't have shared with you otherwise;-)
So for now, life is what it is. We still live together because we can't afford otherwise, albeit in seperate rooms, and it will be some time before we can move apart. But there is no animus, no third party issues, and no vindictiveness between us:there is simply the extinguishing of something that was once bright. Having already lost that, neither of us wants to lose our friendship, either, so we still work on our relationship in many ways, just not beyond friendship.
I have a counselor, and that helps. I have great friendsnin real life, and some pretty kick-ass ones online, too. So I move forward, ever forward. I have a decent computer of my own now, so I want to start acting on all those ideas and stories I had that I was going to work on, "As soon as I have time."
Now I do.