I need to just put down the bare truth.
I've talked before about how my life changed, the epiphanies that I went through that, among other things, started me in posting here on the dot. These epiphanies were the start of the end of my relationship - but I never ever could say why. We would get in fights and he would ask what was wrong, and all I could say was, "I don't know". And I really didn't. I just knew I was miserable, and I clung to my online world like a lifeline.
I'm at a point now where I need to make a choice. I have his attention now. He has said he is willing to make a clean start. He honestly didn't believe I wasn't going to come home again. I'm not sure I won't either.
Here is the crux of the problem. I know it now, I suppose I always knew it, but I don't know how I'm going to say it. When I started to change, I started to crave and lust for intellectual stimulation. I had been missing it, and when I suddenly found a source, I was like a starving person at an oasis. I gorged myself, and I neglected my hubby, but I didn't analyse the nature of what was happening. I hurt him terribly at that time, and although I've become better able to control my urges, he never recovered from that hurt.
My whole system of values changed. I used to idolize my hubby, to never question what he said. But then I started to challenge him, I looked around my life and found nothing for my brain to feed on. And I became very dissatisfied with a lot of my surroundings. I had, in my infatuation, happily accepted a change of lifestyle that suited my husbands needs, and when I woke up, I was in very deep. Every effort I made to introduce intelligence into my non-work life was met with resistance -- because for my hubby, thinking was a 9-5 occupation. He is brilliant, but never when I was around. No conversation, no shared intelligent activities, no discussions of books or movies or politics or anything. His idea of relaxation turns out to be my idea of sensory deprivation. Add into this, the fact that my husband is afraid to be alone. He hates it. So his relaxation has to be my relaxation, anything else is not what he feels happy with.
To try and deal with it, to find myself, in that first 6 months of marriage, I turned away from him. I couldn't explain it then, and I can barely now -- but my wiring changed -- I had found that my mind and my body were suddenly knit together in a way I hadn't known before -- no mental stimulation meant no physical stimulation, and my poor hubby suffered as a result - and yet, when he asked, I had no answer.
And as time went on, instead of fixing the problem, I retreated into the one area in which I was in control of, and which gave me the feeling of progress and mental improvement that I wanted so badly. Is it any wonder he hated my career?
And so now, I have to meet him tonight. And I have to decide whether to go home or not. And I have to tell him the truth about my thoughts and my needs for my life. I don't think I can live with someone who doesn't challenge my intellect. He is going to take this as a mortal insult, I have never said this to him because I know it will wound him forever. But the only way I can explain my needs is to say it.
The worst part is - he never did anything wrong. And I don't think there is anything he can do to fix this either. He is one way, and there is nothing wrong with the way he is - but I can't possibly fully contribute in a relationship with him, as much as I love him and want him to be happy -- I *can't* be the person he needs. And he can't be the person I need. And I am going to kill him when I point that out.
I don't want to do it. I've been lying to myself for a long time in order to avoid it. I don't know if I'm strong enough now. But after 3 years of trying very hard not to admit it, the logic seems inescapable.
I wish I could just fly away. Get on a plane and freeze this life here, leave it the way it is and just have it as a part of my past without having to admit to myself all of my own folly and culpability. Tonight I am going to deal a hurt to the person I love most on this planet that I'm not sure he will ever recover from. What he will hear is that I'm smarter than him (not true) and that I want to be with someone smarter, and that he's not good enough for me, and that all this time, I never loved him. I know this is how he will take the truth, and I know that it will haunt him forever. This is why I've never said it, I never wanted to hurt him like this but this false reality doesn't work either, and now there is no choice. I never said it because deep down I never thought there was a possible way to fix it, and I still don't.
This is going to kill him. I'm going to ruin his life tonight -- except I think that the real truth is that I already have. I ruined things 3 years ago when I changed. Now all I can do is try to make things as right as they can be under the circumstances. It turns out though, that I can't worry about him any more. I'm not really hurting him today - all I'm doing is revealing it, not creating it. He will have to deal with this one way or the other, whether I cave in or not, whether I drag this out for another year or for 10. He's been dealing with it for the last 3 years - he just never had all the information.
Am I brave enough to tell the truth, regardless of the cost? We'll see.