G-d picks up iPhone and dials.
St. Peter: (A dinka dink, a dinka doo) Yo, Dear Leader!!
G-d: Watch it, little man! Could you get Jesus up here? Got a big job for him.
St. Peter: Sure thing, B-ss.
St. Peter dials Jesus.
Jesus: (You can ring my bell-ell-ell, ring my bell) Whaddya want?
St. Peter: The B-g G-y wants to see you, pronto!
Jesus: Sigh....damn, and I had such a good hand.
Jesus approaches the B-g G-y
Jesus: You called?
G-d: Yup, it is time for your Second Coming!!
Jesus: Uh....awww, c'mon, I was in the middle of card game.
G-d: Card game?
Jesus: Yeah, errr....poker....we....uh.just got some new nuns...I thought I'd....show them.....how things are done....up here.you know, so they'll feel wanted....
G-d, eyes narrowed: How come they were so scantily clad?
Jesus.looking shifty: Errrmmm....they don't come that way?
G-d: Well, you'll have to leave for a bit, the Christian Nation is requesting your Second Coming.
Jesus: Have they solved the BO problem yet?
G-d: They aren't Romans, get yer ass down there.
G-d pulls out magic wand....FOOM....and disapparates Jesus to the Christian Nation...Jesus floats down amidst much roiling of clouds and blaring of trumpets.
Jesus: How y'all are? Jesus Christ here, I've returned!!
Christian Nationalist: Huh? No, no, no, this will not do. You gotta dress the part!!
Jesus: What?
CN: See here, you just attend our Introduction to Christianity Minicamp first, they you'll be ready to Come Again.
Jesus attends the Minicamp....5 months later.he begins his Second Ministry.
St. Peter picks up iPhone and calls G-d: Ummmm....I think Y-u made a mistake sending Jesus down there again.
G-d: Excuse me, you do know to Wh-m you are speaking?
St. Peter: Excuse me....EINSTEIN !!! Y-u made a mistake....trust me.Y-u really want to recall him!!
G-d: Oh. OK, Damnit.
G-d dials up Beelzebub....Bong....Bong....Bong....Hells Bells....You got me ringing, Hells Bells....Beelz picks up.
G-d: Yo, Hot Stuff, how are they hanging?
Beelz: Like two squirrels in a sack after their third cup of coffee. What's up?
G-d: Got a capt-and-carry job for you.
Beelz: Not another goddamn evangelical. I hate those guys.
G-d: Nope, Jesus is down there again, I need you to bring him back.
An hour later, Beelz shows up at the Pearly Gates dragging Jesus by the collar.
St. Peter: Got'im? Good! The B-g G-y wants you to take him Down There for a bit, wisen him up.
Beelz: Jose' no way, is no my yob, Mon. I'm not having him Down There....Beelz pulls out magic wand....FOOM....he disapparates to Down There.
Jesus pulls out an assault weapon.....BLAM, BLAM, BLAMMITY-BLAM....BLAM!!! The Pearly Gates are in ruins. St. Peter ducks down behind the entry kiosk.
Jesus kicks open what's left of the Pearly Gates and runs up the palm lined street until he sees the Throne and G-d sitting there.
G-d: Jesus Christ, who the Hell are you?
Jesus: I am your Son. Say, Y-u got any Jews around here? I want to kill Jews!!!
G-d: Bouncing Beelzebubs, YOU ARE JEWISH, Ace!!
Jesus: If I am Jewish, then Y-u must be....BLAM, BLAM, BLAMMITY-BLAM....BLAM!!!!
G-d: Nah, nah, nanna, nah, nah....ya missed me, DeadEye....G-d pulls out magic wand....FOOM....Jesus' assault rifle disappears.
Jesus: Why Y-u....Y-u....Y-u must be one of those LGBQTs....pulls a grenade off his belt, pulls pin, and lobs it at G-d.
FOOM...G-d turns the grenade into a dove....FOOM, FOOM....two doves fly off Jesus' chest.
Jesus pulls out two pistols....BLAM, BLAM....etc....FOOM, FOOM....etc..G-d turns the bullets into multicolored beach balls that float like helium balloons.FOOM, FOOM....Jesus' pistols disappear....FOOM, FOOM...Jesus' bandoliier belts disappear...FOOM, FOOM, FOOM...Jesus' hunting knives disappear, FOOM....Jesus' combat boots disappear....FOOM...Jesus' faux combat fatigues disappear.
G-d's eyes narrow as he looks Jesus up and down.FOOM...Jesus' combat helmet disappears as well as his face paint.
G-d: Shazzam!! A two-for, I've never done that before!!!
Jesus: I feel....I feel.I feel like a new person.I want to love everybody...Jews and LBGQTs and little brown people!!!
G-d: And you will not be needing any more wacky weed....FOOM....
Jesus: Damnit, way to kill my buzz!!!
G-d: That's it! No more Second Comings for you, Bucko!!