WW 3 you say:
Armageddon: It’s a’coming ‘round the corner when it comes
God is puzzled. He picks up his iPhone and dials.
St. Peter’s iPhone rings..a dinka dink, a dinko doo..: Yo, Einstein, what can I do you for?
God: I got a gonzo-whopper of a puzzle. Can you send Jesus up immediately?
St. Peter: A puzzle problem? You? (snickers) Sure thing, I’ll send him right up.
St. Peter hangs up, looks over at Jesus: I thought Einstein told you to stop playing strip poker with the nuns!! He wants you, pronto. You know how excited he gets.
Jesus pulls out magic wand and apparates up to the Holy Throne: Hey Einstein, you called?
God: It seems some of your followers are running around saying you are using a certain Orange Clown to start Armageddon. What the Hell is an “Armageddon” and why are you using an Orange Clown to get one?
BLAM...Beelzebub blasts up through the floor boards with much flame and fume. Eyes a’glowin, tail a’swishing, he’s in bad mood: You rang?
Jesus: Hey there, Beelz, how are they hanging?
Beelzebub: They were hanging just like fine, like Wonder Woman skipping rope with no bra. Now they are drooping.
God: Why are they drooping, Beelz?
Beelzebub: Because I know why I’m here, Smart Ass. Armageddon is the final War to End All Wars.
God: Okay, Jesus, why is your Orange Clown trying to start this?
Jesus: I am not using the Orange Clown. You wouldn’t believe what those crazy Christians believe these days.
God: What gave them idea you’d have a Second Coming if they started a big ol’ war? You must have told them that!!
Jesus: Ummm...(looking shifty) did I? My memory is bit hazy on this whole Second Coming thing.
God, eyeing Jesus suspiciously: St. Peter, did Jesus tell you he would Come Again?
St. Peter: Hmmm...it might of come up...errrmr....just in passing...maybe he said something in like locker room talk. Maybe St. Paul thought he heard that.
God: Nice try, Ace. St. Paul never met Jesus and you know it.
Beelzebub: How about we get one of the Evangelical Yokels up here, explain things, and then send them down again to explain it to the Orange Clown?
Jesus: Yeah!!! I have just the yokel in mind. Paula White. She’s the Spiritual Advisor to the Orange Clown. She can explain it all to him and have him call off the war.
So they bring up Paula White, shaking and fearful to be in God’s awful presence.
God: Get up off your knees, Paula, I am not Jeffrey Epstein.
Paula gets up, looks around: What’s Mike Pence doing here?
Beelzebub: Damnit, I’m sick and tired of being confused with that jackass. Can he do this? (Beelzebub takes his flaming tail and whips her in the ass with it).
Paula White: Wheeee!! Thanks Mike!!
Beelzebub: !?!
Paula is soooooo excited she starts speaking in tongues again:
Up on the hill where they do the boogie
(Do-do-do-do-do-do-do the boogie)
I wonder what they're doin' when they do-do the boogie
And I wonder what I'm doin' here *
God: Okay, okay. Beelz, stop exciting Paula. Here’s the deal. Armageddon, it ain’t happening. We held an...errr...Executive Meeting, and decided the time is not yet right.
Paula White: But when will that be?
Jesus: It’s hard to say. We’ll get back to you.
The Orange Clown in the meantime has Pete Hegseth schedule an Armageddon. Pete Hegseth makes the preparations.
God sends Paula White back down. She fills in the Orange Clown.
Paula White: Mr. Orange, Jesus cannot come even if we have an Armageddon.
Orange Clown: Nonsense! If we have an Armageddon, he’ll have to come. Says it right here the Bibles I sell.
The Orange Clown has a press conference later that week.
Orange Clown: My fellow Americans, I have done a deal with Jesus, he’s coming back. Pete Hegseth is making the preparations. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
FOX Yokel: When?
Orange Clown: Just buy a ticket through Orange Clown Ticket Service! All information is on the ticket.
Pete Hegseth on the scheduled date, presses the Big Orange Button.
News Headlines from CNN: It seems all of the Orange Clown’s golf courses have mysteriously disappeared in explosions. Everybody remain calm, no golf balls were lost.
Orange Clown (watching TV): What the Hell happened to my golf courses?!?
BLAM...Beelzebub blasts up through the floor boards with much flame and fume. Eyes a’glowin, tail a’swishing, he’s in bad mood: You rang?
Orange Clown: Mike Pence!! Get outta here!!
Paula White...now bending over: Oooooo...do me with the tail again, I LOVE that!!!
Beelzebub leaves in horror knowing what fate has in store for him when she goes tits up.
The Second Coming did not come and did not go, no one took notice except the Orange Clown.
Orange Clown: My fellow Americans, I take great pleasure in announcing Jesus has Come Secondly. He’s now my special advisor on the economy.
God looking over at Jesus: Now look what you did, ya Big Dummy!
Jesus (looking at God): I swear I never left Heaven. Just ask the nuns, they’ll tell you I was with them all this time.
God: I would if they weren’t buck naked.
* Special thanx to John Hartford