Second Coming
G-d: Hey Jesus, this is your birthday. As a present, I am going to send you down to a Christian Nation so that you can receive their love and admiration.
Jesus: Uh...okay, Einstein, but recall what happened last time I went down there. I am not sure this is a wise idea.
G-d: Oh go on, they love you there. It is a Christian Nation.
Jesus reluctantly pulls out magic wand and FOOM, he disapparates from Heaven and appears in front of a Christian Nationalist rally.
Jesus: Jesus Christ here, how y'all are?
Christian Nationalist: Look it, I don't know who you think you are but do not go blaspheming around here.
JC: No really, I'm Jesus Christ.
CN: Prove it!
JC pulls out his magic wand and turns the CN's beer into wine.
JC: See, how about that, eh?
CN: Aarrrrggghhh!! A demon!!! Somebody get a rope, we'll hang his ass.
JC, not being gormless, decides to disapparate to a more friendly part of the Christian Nation and appears at the border of Mexico.
JC: (seeing the poor huddled masses wanting to enter the Christian Nation, in a loud voice) I am Jesus Christ, let these poor people in and shelter and feed them!
Border Patrol agents with a posse of CNs: Okay, who let the Commie come to the border?
JC: I mean it, I AM Jesus Christ. These poor people are G-d's people, let them into your Christian Nation and show them the love of Jesus Christ.
Border Patrol agents cock their rifles and the posse starts looking around for razor wire. Jesus, not being gormless sees where this is headed. He pulls out his wand and disapparates to a rally of the former alleged president.
JC: Jesus Christ here!!! (No one pays him any attention)
Jesus hears the former alleged president demonizing immigrants.
JC: (now yelling) Hey, do not listen to him. His message is not Christian. I am Jesus Christ and I am telling you to welcome immigrants into your country!!
Rally Participants around Jesus: You goddamn woke, gay, liberal. Get the Hell out of here, we are listening to Our Savior!!
JC: I am your Savior and I am telling you to stop listening to that guy's unChristian message and welcome the poor people trying to get into your CHRISTIAN NATION!!
RPs: That does it, Billy Joe-Bob brought some zip ties and rope. We will teach this woke jerk what it means to be Christian!! Get him!!!
JC, not being gormless, pulls out wand and disapparates back to Heaven.
G-d: Back so soon?
JC: They wanted to hang me down there! Admittedly it is a bit better than being nailed to a cross by Romans...you know...the B.O. ... enough to knock a dead buzzard off a shit wagon at 20 paces. But I will be damned if I am going to go through the death thing again. They are not worth it.
G-d: You mean that is not a Christian Nation?
JC: Wake up Einstein!! They follow an Orange Jesus.
G-d: That's...that's Blasphemy!
G-d pulls out iPhone and dials.
Beelzebub (Want some hot stuff baby this evening, want some hot stuff baby tonight): Yo, Einstein, whatcha want?
G-d: Get up here, gotta big job for you.
Beelzebub blasts up through the floor boards with much flame and fume.
St. Peter: Hey, Beelz!! Long time no see, how are they hanging?
Beelzebub: Really well now that I have had them chromed, all nice and shiny, and the chime is to die for.
G-d dials St. Peter
St. Peter: (a dinka-dink, a-dinka-doo) Yes, Einstein?
G-d: I asked Beelz up so you two could figure out what to do with the Christian Nationalists in the Christian Nation. Get back to me with a plan (hangs up).
Beelz: Awww, shit. Not more of those assholes.
St. Pete: Beelz, old buddy old pal. Surely you have room somewhere down there for them.
Beelz: (thinks for a minute and gets an evil grin on his face) We might have room in the antechamber.
St. Pete: And we will tell them it is Heaven...but that they must all get pregnant first. Leave it to me...(pulls out iPhone and dials Einstein).
St. Pete: Yo, Einstein (St. Pete explains the plan).
Beelz: (pipes up) But would not that mean that the guys...have...to....isn't that illegal in Texas?
G-d:: Excuse me!?! G-D!!!
The dulcet sound of AC/DC slowly grows
Concrete ... cyanide....High Emotion!!
Dirty Deeds, done dirt cheap!!