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The Gimp

Journal Em Emalb's Journal: The Question of the Day 67

Journal by Em Emalb

the question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

(no, this was not my idea)

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The Question of the Day More

The Question of the Day

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    • I'm very late on this, but 40-50 seems very high. Once you get two wrapped around each leg and two on each arm, it's over. I'd say 10 would be easy, because you can run around enough not to get trapped. Once it gets to about 20, all it takes is for them to run at and crowd around you and you'll have a 100lb weight on each leg in no time. You can't kick something if it's attached to your leg. I'm going to say 20.

  • Honestly, regardless of the circumstances, I don't think I could actually bring myself to knock children unconscience. There's just too strong an instinct to be able to hurt a child like that. I honestly don't mean this as some sort of self-righteous sounding judgement on anyone. :-)

    If I did find myself in such a situation and I was able to bring myself to it, I'd think I'd say around 100 before I got so tired they overwhelmed me.

  • Zero (Score:1)

    by daniil ( 775990 ) *
    Back when i was still a wee lad, i went to a Greco-Roman wrestling class for a few years. Now, even though i wasn't all that weak, i invariably lost all the sparring matches (never made it to a single competition), as i simply didn't -- and still don't -- have the will to fight.

    If, however, they managed to get me riled up to go berserk, i might be able to pluck out four or five of them. Ten max.

  • 1) I just spent the day at work and got yelled at because some other companies FTP server is down: about 250. But they're not unconscious, they're mostly dead.

    2) I just spent the day with my kids: 0 but there's lots of huggin going on!
    • 250?

      No way.

      Maybe (since you're insane) 50. Maybe.

      Slashdot's 2 minute rule is about to put me into a frenzy where I could probably take down 60.
  • If I'm wearing the cup, and it stays in place, then 100-150ish easy. More if the rules allow me to grab one of the ankle-biters and use him/her as a baseball bat.

    Without the cup, maybe 25 tops. Little kids have this annoying ability to home in on my genitals at high and damaging speeds.
    • the only rules are laid out in the journal entry.

      No touching the walls, you get a cup.

      100-150? You think so?

      Me thinks you guys are WAY over-estimating your abilities and stamina.
      • Well, if I didn't have the martial arts training, I wouldn't be NEARLY as optimistic.

        But frankly, I can run five miles in 45minutes and I've been in a few 6v1 fights (in martial arts training, grant that they were much lower level than I was but the same size), so it's not out of the realm of possibility in my opinion.

        The only sticking point would be just how well you can train a five-year-old in group combat in a day. Me, I'd be stepping on the fuckers--I don't think I'd give them much of a chance to co
  • I think I could take down two, no problem. Probably a lot more, but I'd rather play it safe. Kick them down, bash their skulls into bloody pulp, snap their pathetic five-year-old bones. No sweat.
    • Charge them little bastard instead of waiting for them to come and get you. It shouldn't be too difficult to jump and land on the first kid's chest; hopefully, this will knock out a few more standing behind him. Then you just keep moving; if you're big enough, they'll probably have a hard time stopping you. If, however, you're slow like me, you won't last too long.
  • They'll probably have tons more energy than me, so I'd have to say about 30-40.

    I'm glad to partake in scientific research like this. It's very important for the advancement of our species and I'm glad someone has the courage to do it.

    If I could pour whiskey down their throats while they're attacking me, I'd get 70 of 'em or so.

    So that's about all. Let me know how your study turns out! ;)
  • I can't touch the walls- but can the kids? I doubt I could handle more than 20 if the answer is no- but if the answer is yes, I've just gained a HUGE advantage, since I can easily throw a 60 lb weight 5-10 ft. In that case the answer is 50-60, since I can use the walls as a weapon for knocking out kids (and can probably use the kids as weapons against other kids, if I'm not afraid of throwing them out of bounds).
  • I've dealt with a few 5 year old's, damn they have a lot of energy.

    Ok, 5 year old weigh about 30 to 40 Lbs? * 50 kids? If they all attacked at once, you could be screwed. But if they attacked like in Kung-fu movies, 2 or 3 at a time, I'd definitely say 50.

    It would be a nasty battle though.

    Sean D.
    • At not quite 4.5 y.o., Kiddo is a little under 40 lbs., and she is a little below average for her age. I think you'd better figure more like 45-50 lbs. per 5-year old.

      ....Bethanie....
  • And it's Ethelred and Fiver in a cage match! And here comes Fiver rebounding off the ropes and...THE MATCH IS OVER! ETHELRED IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT! AMAZING!

    This WWF match was brought to you by Schlitz.

    Cheers,

    Ethelred

  • Assuming they fight like wild animals it would be few indeed even if the adult isn't worried about hurting the kids.

    Just think what a pissed off monkey can do to an adult human.

    • monkeys are much stronger than children.

      I don't think the comparison is valid.
      • Much less destructive, as well.

        Probably a tie in terms of hygiene, though.
        • Probably a tie in terms of hygiene, though.

          Either you have no kids, or the cleanest ones on the fucking planet.

          Monkeys are by FAR cleaner than kids. Kids, particularly around this age, are the foulest, nastiest little creatures you can possibly imagine. I could make you *puke* with stories of some of the things that Kiddo's tried to put in her mouth, buddy. And let's not even get into bathroom habits, shall we. Motherhood makes other menial labor look like a fucking walk down the red carpet.

          No. Monke
          • I always tell my friends that I have people come and spray my house for children and small animals every six months.

            I was gonna say that monkeys have children beat by a long shot in that department, and that I'd rather leave for work in the morning with a half dozen monkeys running loose in my apartment than any three kids I've ever known. But I anticipated getting flamed by parents about how way off base I am, and my only defense as a non-parent being "Yeah, but, I just *know* how they are."

            Ever wonder w
            • Honestly, I really try not to let my imagination head in that direction.

              You're absolutely about not leaving the kids in your apartment. I can't leave Kiddo alone in her own ROOM for chrissakes, without having a MAJOR disaster to clean up after 30 minutes. But sometimes you gotta weigh the work involved in the cleanup versus the value of a 30-minute respite...

              ....Bethanie....
      • Depends on what kind of monkey ...

        In any case the point is the number of kids you can take on has a lot to do with how no-holes-barred the kids are fighting. If you assume they will be biting, scratching, attempting to gouge eyes out, etc it cuts way down on how many you can handle.

        I also think it is funny how people assume they can just pick up one kid and use them as a weapon on the others. If the kid isn't co-operating this is going to be much harder.

    • Monkey teeth are far better for ripping flesh than child teeth. Monkeys also climb and jump a lot better and might be able to bite the adult's throat. Unconscious from blood loss. Ouch.

  • ...my past experiencse of working with Cub Scout and Boy Scout troops, and considering my own personal size, I would probably guess in the 20 to 30 range. With that amount, you can almost find a handful that are a bit smaller than the rest that will make good shields or bats against the others. Not to mention I can probably wing a few when I take off my belt and whip them. Now, depending on the belt, I could probably securly tie a shoe to the end of the belt and really thrash some brats.
  • i mean, if they're so motivated, am i also for some reason motivated enough that i don't care that i'm hurting children? or are these just like robot/clone children engineered specifically for this purpose, having no thoughts outside the desire to defeat me?

    what's allowed? no holds barred? is maiming and/or killing allowed? if the kid's legs are disabled, but he isn't knocked out, does he keep trying, or is he out?

    i need better information before i give a ridiculous answer to this silly question.
  • In "Someone has turned off the theoritical switch that makes me balk at hitting anyone, especially kids" world, well, this gets complicated. They are five. Even if I was pulled to the ground and they started kicking me in the head, it would take a while for them to render me unconcious. They aren't strong enough to strangle me, unless one of them has their arms around my neck while I'm standing and supporting their weight. Basic questions of how much space is between me and them when the time starts, and wh
  • If that's the case, I can spin around break dance style, kicking and send them flying. Oh and then there's the "Look! It's Santa!" and point and then club them in the back of the head. Hey, this is fun, now the question is, how many baby harp seals can you club in an hour? :-)
  • that since I'm tall they could hit my legs and get me on my knees. So I'd grab one and use my advantage of arm length as I batter the rest with their compatriot. Maybe do some judo throws. With my height you could get some real leverage and judo throw them a good ways, taking out a few Tekken style. Get some of them big fatties and just bowl the rest over. You then stomp their skulls as they're trying to get up. I think I could do about 75. I'd seriously go Rwandan Death Camp on them.
    • So I'd grab one and use my advantage of arm length as I batter the rest with their compatriot.

      I thought about that, but this will only work to thin out the initial throng; a 60 lbs child can tire your arms out QUICK.

      I think the judo throws are the way to go- use angular momentum to bring 'em down on another one's head.

  • 20 (Score:2)

    by mekkab ( 133181 )
    I'm going for the low, low price of 20. This is assuming they are really vicious and I have no expert skills.

    Unlike the rest of my slashdot brethern, the IDEA of stomping a kid in the chest is really fucking funny (however I have no idea how that would work in reality, so, put that in your pipe and smoke it)

    however I'm sure all the high stepping and chest stomping would get tiring. Perhaps I'd then grab a fallen child by the legs and swing them around helicopter style, using them to bat away the other c
    • I'm so fucking disappointed in people.

      Jesus, it's not like I'm advocating doing this shit, I'm just asking the question.

      Why do I even fucking bother.

      THINK OUTSIDE THE GOSH DAMNED BOX people!

      • I'm so fucking disappointed in people.

        Allright, allright! Maybe I can up that to 45? On a good day?
      • Ok fine. My lung capacity is better than theirs. So I could take a thousand children mashed into the basketball sized area with me sitting on top (you said it was enclosed on all sides and nothing about where we get to start. So I'm starting on my pile of soon to be dead 1k children). They'd claw and devour each other's suffocated corpses while I'd just stand on the pile of writhing bodies kicking them in the face to make sure none escape.

        I'd then close the top like a trash compactor, drill a hole in t

      • Now if this were a death-match contest on a 20 meter to-a-side solid rock cube, then it gets a LOT easier. No walls to worry about. If you fall, you're obviously out. And lots of flying kids. It'd be pretty cool to watch in slow-mo, actually. Hmm. Many dozen kids. Push whole groups off the sides.

        Or infinite supply of kids and the adult is on a high-dive board. Eventually, you get tired and they take you down. Literally. And on a high-dive, all the kids have to do is unbalance you just enough.

    • Re:20 (Score:2)

      by JVert ( 578547 )
      Stomping them once they are down brings up a great idea, if you could pile them up and stand on their bodies to make it harder for the group to swarm you that might work really well. Stacking them doesn't seem that bad, every 3-5 bodies you get one level higher, just knock 2 down and pull the third one toward you and to the ground and stack on top of that one. Especially if you start with a helicopter kid to make a circled wall all you have to do is fill in the gap once they cross over the top. Your footing
  • Not even jeans? I'm gonna have to say 30 then. I think everyone in the 50+ range is forgetting that these humanoid attack dogs are going to BITE!!! Biting it going to hurt like a mofo. Yeah I can keep running through them and kicking them down as I do, but sooner or later one of them will bite my legs. I fear after having ten chunks of flesh ripped off I will weaken me substantially. Though if I can take PCP ahead of time, make mine 50.
  • I have recently read the little-known essay, "How to beat the crap out of a bunch of five year olds" and feel prepared to adequately answer this.

    I think I could take on ten. That's right. The benefits of being a wuss, is that you don't fight much.

    That said, this sounds like the stuff of seriously disturbed nightmares.
  • Are they out?

    If not - mebbe ten. I have no stamina at all. I'd wind up cutting off each of their air until they passed out (I couldn't cause other types of trauma to anyone).

    If so - I'm shooting for around 300. I'd be pushing them into walls left and right. I'm fairly confident in my ability to push enough of them into the wall, thus rendering them useless before they overwhelm me with pure numbers.
  • To get to significant numbers I would have to assume to start off completly surrounded. Unless I manage to pluck the first one off and use him as a weapon. A spinning 5 year old sounds like a great weapon in fending off a crowd. I have to know, are the kids starting off surrounding me and running straight at me from all directions? or do they flood in from a specific wall? Even if they were trained to only approach me in high numbers I think I could snatch one from the group as they prepare as long as they
  • I got thiss from a friend of mine and didn't post it till 5:30 ... then I check my messages and see you posted the same damn thing, Asshole ;)

    -Ab
    • oh, and I said 25-30, only cause I know the first 5-10 would go down with crushed skulls after 1 punch ... then I'd get tired, but, I could grab one of the smaller ones but the ankles and spin around bludgeoning the rest.

      -Ab
  • As many as they'll let him alone with for an afternoon!!

    ....Bethanie....
  • Any other questions?

  • I have to say that this question has never occurred to me before. As I imagine the question, there are no rules beyond the above given rules, meaning there are no limits to force applied.

    But the number really depends on how it starts. If I do not start surrounded, then I would take a running leap into the first group of running kids to knock them down and to stall the ones behind them. Then (while still not worn out) I would start flinging knocked-down kids at the ones still standing or at the wall

    • Someone "in the know" suggested that a knee to the face would be the most effective in this case. It does sound more much more realistic than the Nethack-inspired (i do believe that a kid is a tad more difficult to swing around than a newt) kid-flinging suggested in most of the replies both here and on two other sites i checked.
  • I'm going to say no more than 70. I think the key is to use my belt the wrap around the necks of one of the little ones, and using it like a... lets call it a morning star.. to swing at the other brats.

    Other than that, it's about not getting them get a good hold on you. Punch hard, often, and long. I think to much kicking and you'd be asking for trouble.

    When they do finally get me down..and they will.. I think the stop, drop, and roll method might get some good results.

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