Why in 2014, do I have to decorate variables with '$'?
Not a big fan of variable interpolation, I'm guessing?
Why is the assiciative array syntax take two characters that look a comparison operator?
Don't forget to ask Perl the same question.
Why do I need == and ===?
Because the language is loosely typed. There are other loosely-typed scripting languages that have both of these operators as well.
ANd vaiable confusion between $_GET, $_POST and $_COOKIE
So you would prefer to have them all in one array? Or as global scalars?
Seems to me you're complaining about PHP because it's a scripting language and not C or Java.
Here's a suggestion for you: If you don't like the syntax, or if you want strict typing, use something else. If you don't have a choice in the matter, then maybe you should think about looking for another job. Cheers.