Now that I've got my flip answer out of the way, it's probably best that I don't leave your little talking points unaddressed.
(UPDATE: Comboman's response is probably wittier and more concise - someone send 'em a gold star please. But I went to the trouble to type all this, so I'm going to post it anyways. It's the internet way.)
I vote Democrat because I believe it’s okay if our federal government borrows $85 Billion every single month.
Yup. Years of neglect have left our infrastructure in a sorry state, inherited wars cost money(!), and let's not even talk about the shitpile that was the economy. When Bush II handed over the reins. (A resounding win for Financial deregulation, wouldn't you say?)
I vote Democrat because I care about the children but saddling them with trillions of dollars of debt to pay for my bloated leftist government is okay.
This is really the same as the last one, but hey, it's still better than inventing evidence and starting a war that result in the deaths of ~4,500 of our kids, and maiming or otherwise injuring ~32,000 more (and totally ignoring the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi citizens as a result of said war).
I vote Democrat because I believe it’s better to pay billions of dollars to people who hate us rather than drill for our own oil, because it might upset some endangered beetle or gopher.
Last I checked, we'd rather reduce our dependence on oil altogether (By jump-starting the wind and solar industries in the US), but big oil and coal has been lobbying like there's no tomorrow to prevent that.
I vote Democrat because I believe it is okay if liberal activist judges rewrite the Constitution to suit some fringe kooks, who would otherwise never get their agenda past the voters.
No worries, the conservatives engage in plenty of this too, especially in cases involving the 2nd ammendment and abortion rights (Hobby lobby decision was decided by 5 men who were conservative Catholics).
I vote Democrat because I believe that corporate America should not be allowed to make profits for themselves or their shareholders. They need to break even and give the rest to the federal government for redistribution.
Dude, you are crazy. No company should be able to avoid paying taxes through financial sleight of hand, but really, you think GE is paying too much tax for the benefits of being an american corporation? Apple?
I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted, so long as we keep all of the murderers on death row alive.
As opposed to that other party, who preaches the sanctity of life, but is giddy to kill inmates.
I vote Democrat because I believe it’s okay if my Nobel Peace Prize winning President uses drones to assassinate people, as long as we don’t use torture.
Guess what? Most humans don't think that anyone should either engage in torture, or send drones to kill other humans. Shocking! One of two is a reasonable start, and we're working on the other one. At least we don't have Bush/Cheny in charge any more, they were fine with both.
I vote Democrat because I believe people, who can’t accurately tell us if it will rain on Friday, can predict the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Chevy Volt.
You do know the difference between climatology and meteorology, right? It's like the difference between socialism and communism (or patriotism and fascism, if you swing that way.) The later is a tiny subset of the former.
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is not as important as preventing people from being offended.
Aw, here you're just trying to stir things up. I'm pretty sure the courts have a well-used system in place for determining what is protected speech (however offensive), and what is not. Most judges aren't elected, last I checked.
I vote Democrat because I believe the oil companies’ profit of 3% on a gallon of gas is obscene, but the federal government taxing that same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t obscene.
Hmm, the federal gas tax has been 18.4 cents per gallon since 1993. Gas is about $3.80 per gallon where I currently am, which the tax at just under 5%. Oil company profits vary, but that "free market" thing keeps them down to a reasonable level - the government doesn't limit profit, unless you collude with others to circumvent that "free market" thing.
I vote Democrat because I believe a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority
Last I checked, the US government never required a prayer at the beginning of every school day. Also, if your parents are too gutless to tell you how your body works/reproduces, someone should do it before your hormones lead you into a situation that may dramatically change your life plans.
I vote Democrat because I agonize over threats to the natural environment from CO2, acid rain and toxic waste
Hmm. Last I checked, democrats wanted to be cautious with respect to the environment (we've only got one), and pornography is acceptible for adults, promisciity is a personal freedom question, and family dissolution is unfortunate (We try to offer helpful services, but then the conservatives accuse us of wasting money. (is it just me, or are they playing both ends of that game?))
I vote Democrat because I believe lazy, uneducated stoners should have just as big a say in running our country as entrepreneurs who risk everything and work 70 hours per week.
Yep. One vote per person. You have another system you'd like to propose?
I vote Democrat because I don’t like guns
We have no problem with people responsibly owning guns for accepted purposes (hunting, sport, etc). We do have a problem with owning guns that are designed to kill people as quickly as possible (For reference, RPGs are "arms" too, but no one is arguing that people should be able to get those without a background check.)
I vote Democrat because I see absolutely no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy.
You may be confusing correlation and causation. Care to clarify?
I vote Democrat because I see absolutely no correlation between judicial leniency and surging crime rates.
The alternative is paying for long incarcerations of minor offences, Mr. Big Govt
I vote Democrat because I believe you don’t need an ID to vote but you do to buy beer.
Yeah, needing an ID to buy beer is pretty stupid.
I vote Democrat because I believe marriage is obsolete, except for homosexuals.
Well, on one hand, I don't think the government should be limiting interpersonal contracts to definitions developed by the clergy, and on the other hand, we should be fair; I can't justifiably recognize one religion's definition and ignore anothers.
I vote Democrat because I think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
Nah, we all know that it's dirty dicks and needles. But condoms, meds, needle exchanges, and education sure slow things down.
I vote Democrat because I think “fairness” is far more important than freedom.
I rarely see these in conflict, except when someone says he deserves the freedom to treat someone unfairly.
I vote Democrat because I think an “equal outcome” is far more important than equal opportunity.
You mixed that up a bit, we want equal opportunity, even for those who have some disadvantages (like poverty or race). As for equal outcomes, I think the old saw applies: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
I vote democrat because I would rather hide in a class room while others fight for my freedom.
WTF? Bush II had a cushy post in the Texas Air National Guard while Kerry's PT boat was being shot at.
I vote democrat because I’m not smart enough to own a gun and I need someone else to protect me.
What can I say, except whoever came up with the idea for the Dept. of homeland security was a jackass and a moron.
I vote democrat because I would rather have free stuff than freedom.
Would you belive that I didn't know this was an issue?
And lastly, I vote Democrat because I’m convinced that government programs are the solution to the human condition, NOT freedom.
You are, of course, free to move to Somalia, where there are no government programs to interfere with your freedoms. I'll even contribute towards your plane ticket.
Also, I'm totally shocked that you didn't mention immigration. Please let me know what democrats want here, and I'll be happy to swing right back at'cha.