TechnoLust's Journal: Parental stuff... I got a scare last night...

My parents have been married about 32 years. When I was growing up, they had what appeared to me to be a great relationship. It wasn't until late in my childhood did I even see them argue. My parents and I are good friends, and I've talked to them about their relationship. They are still in love and they have fun together most of the time. But they've been together a LONG time and my dad recently retired and now they are together a lot more. Tensions have been high a few times lately and I've talked to Mom about it.

Last night I had a girl over and we were hanging out having some drinks and getting to know each other better. My cell phone rang and it was Mom's cell. It was 1:00am and for Mom to call me from her cell that late, I figured it was an emergency. She said she had had a fight with Dad and was coming to stay at my house if that was ok. I said she was welcome, but just so she was aware, I had people coming over to drink and hang out, but to come anyway and we'd find her a place to sleep if she wanted.

My friends started showing up and then Mom arrived. I made her a drink and talked to her about what had happened. She said, "Don't worry, we just had a fight and I needed to get out of the house." She ended up hanging out drinking with all my friends and playing Ping Pong with us. We had fun. When I was a teen, we used to go over to my cousin's house and his parents and my parents would drink and play cards and we would play ping pong and pool. They would play with us after cards or if they wanted to sit out a few hands. When were in our late teens, we started playing cards with them. So I haven't hung out drinking with my mom in years. So having her play me and my friends in ping pong and have a shot with us was cool.

After a bit, she decided that she would just go back home. I asked if she was ok to drive and she assured me she was. I told her to call me when she got home. When she got home (and a several times before she left here) we talked about what had been said by her and him and how she took what he said. I offered her other ways to take what he said, and ways that he might have misunderstood what she said. My dad is a very intelligent man, but I'm WAY better at seeing different perspectives than he is. He sees things his way and that is that. I can see how things look from all sides. Mom and I talked about it and I told her it might be good to write him a letter and let it sit a day, then read it again with his perspective and see if she should give it to him. She said she would do that.

She said she was glad that our relationship was such that she could talk to me about things and I tell her things that most people wouldn't tell their mothers. The way I see it, if I can't tell my mother about it, I probably shouldn't be doing it. But even when I do things she doesn't approve of, I talk to her about it. I have a different perspective than most men. I spent a lot of time with my mom and grandmother, so I saw them get their hair done and then be disappointed when their husband didn't notice. I saw the things that most men don't think about, because we're men and we don't think about those things. I won't claim to understand women, but I hope I understand enough to avoid some of the mistakes I've seen other men make.

Women and men aren't so different. We want the same things, (love, acceptance, understanding, security, trust, passion...) we just express them in different ways. I think the secret is to find a way to make your SO feel special. Make them feel loved, noticed, and appreciated. When I feel like a girl is doing everything she's doing to make OUR life better, not just HER life better, that's when I feel loved.

Anyway, Mom and Dad are ok, they just needed to get away from each other and calm down. I told Mom that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If he's fighting with her, at least there's something there to be passionate about. Occasional fights in a marriage aren't a bad thing, as long as it doesn't get nasty and it isn't all the time.

I just wanted to get this out there. I am not looking for advice or sympathy, I just needed to get the thoughts organized and down so they'd stop cluttering up my head.

Better now than when you're ten

[Marxist Hacker 42]

And it's a school night and suddenly you're in your pajamas going on a midnight drive with mom while she cools off.

I mention it because my parents have now been together 38 years, and that incident is over 20 years in the past- your parents will have no problem adjusting.

Well said.

[FroMan]

Women and men aren't so different. We want the same things, (love, acceptance, understanding, security, trust, passion...) we just express them in different ways. I think the secret is to find a way to make your SO feel special. Make them feel loved, noticed, and appreciated. When I feel like a girl is doing everything she's doing to make OUR life better, not just HER life better, that's when I feel loved.

Relationships...

[btlzu2]

I think it's really cool that you have a very up front and honest relationship with you folks! I really wanted that, but honestly, it is so completely foreign to me. :D

I'm sure they'll be fine though bud.

[btlzu2 worrying about TL relationship issues mode]
I think the secret is to find a way to make your SO feel special. Make them feel loved, noticed, and appreciated.

I used to think this too, but I've found that it is can be very unhealthy to try to do this as an expectation in the relationship. I feel that when it comes down to it, you always have to do this for yourself and not expect another person to provide this for you all the time. It's nice to have it though. I often get that from fdb, but I don't expect it. People find it easy to begin to expect that if you're so willing to give it and it can turn into a scary monster! ;)

There's something to be said for subtlety too--a woman with a good head on her shoulders picks up on the fact that you help keep the house clean (not a problem for you!) or that you stick around and work on problems instead of running (among other things). That's real life--not a romantic comedy where the guy is always making the woman laugh and it's happy ever after in 90 minutes. :) Finding a person that appreciates you and doesn't expect you to tap dance for her is much more calming and rewarding in the long run.

In my opinion TL, I'd just ask you to consider being careful with this view because you could get into a very codependent relationship that could make you miserable over time. If a person grows to expect you to make him/her happy, resentment and misery can build up pretty quickly on the other person's part.

I've come NOT to *expect* that from a relationship. It happens in a good relationship, but it isn't always there--it can't be. What if you are having a really rough time in life and cannot provide that "special feeling" for her? Will she leave after a certain time because you're not providing it?

I feel that it's just something to think about and be slightly wary of. We all have views that can get carried away and hurt us and I think it *might* be one with you too (like it was for me).

I'm sorry and not trying to bring you down and you are completely free to ignore me altogether (obviously!). :) I really know where you're coming from though, that's why I replied. I just wouldn't want to see you hurt in this way because it really sucks--you put everything into it and try to be everything to her and then it just ends and you feel empty and like you gave everything for no reason. It used to happen to me all the time and it sucked. AND! The most ironic part is that it chips away at your ability to develop trust--which, I think, is MUCH more important in a relationship than "making her feel special".
[/mode]

Re:Relationships...

[johndiii]

Very well said. And quite accurate, from my experience. One cannot, cannot manage the feelings of others. Trying to do so is a *bad* thing. On the other hand, doing things to express love is good, as long as one's expectations are appropriate.

And trust is absolutely the bottom line. Not feelings, but believing in the other person. Not protecting yourself, but trusting that other person's intentions.

Funny how I read that differently

[Ra5pu7in]

I think the secret is to find a way to make your SO feel special. Make them feel loved, noticed, and appreciated.

I read that differently than both btlzu2 and johndiii apparently did. I read this as meaning to not let a relationship become routine or take your SO for granted. It isn't about spending all your time trying to make them happy - though that can be a negative extreme. It is about remembering what makes this person special to you and expressing that to them regularly.

Re:Funny how I read that differently

[btlzu2]

I didn't think there was room for a different read because whenever anyone says: "make someone feel something", I tend to cringe. It's an epidemic belief that you can "make" anyone feel anything they don't want to feel. Owning your own feelings and separating others' from yours are the first steps of becoming truly emotionally aware as far as I can understand it. So, that phrase is usually a trigger for me because it's almost always a misunderstanding of the nature of emotions--this includes me a while b

Re:Funny how I read that differentl

[kesuki]

i can't beleive how easily i forgot that ^^; i've been trying to have better acceptance of my emotions but i forgot something really basic ehehe ^^;

I for one don't see a problem with having a good routine ;) speaking of 'routines' believe you me no matter how many times i did it, i never got sick of solo BMing and winning with no units :)

now i know that's game related and not marriage related, but routines can be good or bad, it's all the matter of figuring out what kinda routine you like doing, that makes

the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifferenc

[yuri benjamin]

the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference

Yup. Have to agree there.