WEll I haven't really written for a while, though I have kept /. in my morning coffee clicking to see what's going on even though things have dwindled down significantly.

Anyways, I'm just friend right now. Overloaded with work at both my day and home biz. Not to mention trying to have a personal life thrown in there. I've got some things in boxes I still need to unpack and I have to get a bunch of shirts ready for Roller Derby Nationals at the end of the month. Which, thank god, my dad and sister are coming out so I'll have some help at the booth. As at Rollercon I did really well, but had no down time, and I can't imagine my lapse into lunacy if I didn't have any help.

Well, I need to write more, as this helps vent some steam while I'm at work. At work right now with th erest of my group at a conference fro the week in San Antonio. Of which I was completely left out of, no one even talked to me about it. Super fun being excluded by my boss. SO I'm keeping a txt file documenting all these occurances so that I have something to cover my back if something unwarranted happens in the future.

Laters.

Oh and I printed with a fish last night. I'm taking a creative clothing modification class and the teacher brought a bunch of things to spread shirt paint on and press into fabric. One of which was a fish. It turned out looking real cool. So I plan on going to the Asian market and getting some tentacles to press with copper paint into a black hoodie.

Someone stole my scooter this afternoon.

Mother Fucker.

Tons of stuff this month. I'm about to become a homeowner. Well, the owner of some airspace between walls. But I'm super excited. It's in the perfect location that I was looking into, one where I can walk to the cool places, has a great view, and good potential for increased valuation. I should have the keys in hand Friday :)

And my friends brought up in conversation the other day how they thought my ex-bf was gay, and that they didn't even realize we were a couple until the 3-4 time we met. They even asked their gay friend if he was, so they wouldn't make the wrong assumption, and he said that yes he was but doesn't even know it yet.

That possibility hadn't even crossed my mind until they mentioned it, and it makes so much sense. It fits with all the problems we had with the physical portion of the relationship, as well as psychologically with me. How people tend to get into relationships that mirror their parents, well I'm sure my mom is gay and talked to my dad about it and he agrees, and sees the parallel.

Other stuff going on, is that I'm joining up with a ska band to play trombone (and maybe they'll let me sing too). I get together with them for practice tonight.

I just had my min-year review at work and I got in trouble. But for an odd reason. For being anti-social. Yep, for not talking with my co-workers and not fully "integrating" myself with my group.

Funny, because when I'm not at work I'm chatty, talkative and goofy. But put me in the boring world of civil engineering and I'm just fine hanging out in my head. OF course it might be because I'm in a remote office of only 5 people in my team and a total of maybe 20 people in the building. Or maybe the fact that I'm the youngest person here as well as the only woman engineer. So people don't really come to chat me up about their kids and I don't feel like telling them about the jello shots I made for the kickball game the previous night.

That and most of my mental energy has gone into starting up my side business of making roller derby t-shirts. I actually got a gig being a vendor for a motorcycle rally at the end of the month. So if anyone is in Austin for the ROT rally, stop into the 4-day concert that Havana resturant on 6th street is putting on and have a beer and check out my t-shirts.

Engineer by day. Creative Entrepreneur by night. Makes me really busy and wish I had more time to get to the Aikido classes I'm signed up for. I should have more time next month.

Yea, I might be getting a kitten. My friend works at a vet clinic and they need a home for a cat that just got done with surgery. See, most people don't want a cute cuddly cat with a physical defect, but dogs get snatched up in a heartbeat if they do.

So I'm getting a 3-legged kitty.

Any ideas on names?

And how to house train a cat... I've always benefited from being around my sisters who had cats and they would take care of all that dirty work like pee abatement and such and I just reap the cuddly benefits of a purring ball of claws and teeth.

Days have been up and down. I guess it was a dream that I had last night that really triggered today's mood swing.

I want to go home, to that home that I find in his arms, with my head buried in his chest.

This is hard, the ups and downs. Feeling that all is right in the world and then yearning for things aren't in this moment.

Saturday I see him again, to sign over the lease. We've been putting it off for two weeks, due to his work getting in the way. I hope that I can hold it together, as I cried as I signed my new lease, and the girl was helpful and went through it quickly, where to sign, where to initial, put the date here and here. 2/10/2007

I think that he's planning to move away after this current lease is up in June, and I really wish that he'd take me with him.

But if he doesn't want to work on the relationship then I know that I deserve to be with someone who does. It just reminds me of a card he wrote me. One of the few cards he wrote. Paraphrasing what he said... that he appreciated all the effort that I put into the relationship and that he knows that we'll work through things and take our relationship to new heights.

I contemplate putting that card into the bag of things that I'm returning to him Saturday. Things that I found of his while unpacking. I know I shouldn't and I'm not going to put the card in the bag. But I have this wishful daydream that if I did, if he read it that he would remember, and turn and fight for us and be willing to make things work rather than running away when things get hard.

I'm such an idiot. I was fine and chipper on Wednesday. Things were good my head was in that win/win space and I thought that everything was good in the universe. Then Thursday, with the high level of stress this week from: breaking up, moving, getting the new place clean for a housewarming my friend is having for me Saturday, contract deadlines at work & making and shipping promo shirts for my side biz. Ya, I'm a bit frazzled. I've messed up my new apartment number a dozen times, transposing numbers. Asking the apartment office lady why my mail key doesn't work...evidently I tried it on the wrong number, mine was 3 down. And when I was switching the electric, I messed up the street number, luckily it turned up an error in their system and I got it fixed to the correct one.

So ya, Thursday I was supposed to meet up to change the name on the lease for the old apartment, but he was stuck at work and had to postpone. So like the little misguided caretaker that I am, I made up the excuse that I was heading over there anyways to pick up a package so I'd take out th edog to pee. Yes I had a package there (it could have waited another day easily) and yes he was appreciative as he ended up eating dinner at work to finish up the project by the deadline.

But fuck, why do I have to be so overly helpful and do things that others should be doing themselves. He choose not to have me as a partner right now, so he shouldn't have the benefit of me there to watch his back and help out.

So ya, I got all emotional as I walked into the apartment to get the dog and put the mail on the table. Thursday was the first time I had cried since Sunday. I thought I was doing pretty well. I guess the emotional roller coaster is to be expected in this case.

I just wish that this limbo was over. Because I feel like I'm not really in a relationship, but I'm not really out of one either. Blah.

Yep. Like everyone else didn't see that one coming.

So we're playing it by ear; taking some time and space apart to grow and see where life leads.

There alot of tears on both parts, but it will be the best for both of us in the long run. Either building a stronger relationship between us in the future or stronger individuals due to this learning experience. So it's a win-win. A hard thing to wrap my head around at times, but under it all I know it's the right thing for this moment.

So I'll be focusing on starting up my new side business and re-learning how to rollerskate.

Wow I haven't written in a while. Well, I've stayed away form writing of the sucky. So I'll write about awesomeness. Being my current idea of a small business. DerbyOrDie.com I registered it today and I plan on using the screen printing kit I just bought to make up some cool derby related t-shirts and some fan shirts for my sisters. Yep, I've got 2 sisters that are roller girls and they convinced me to buy some skates to try it out because they love it so much. SO my skates came in the mail today and I can't wait to try them out this weekend on actual roadway not just the carpet at home. As my outdoor wheels will be coming tomorrow or Friday.

So, with the big western division play offs coming up next month I'm hoping to get a bunch of shirts made up, a basic website up and some business cards printed and send them along with my sister to dole out to promote the site.

So, fingers crossed this idea will pan out and I'll keep up momentum and and stick with this idea.

Damn I just burnt the grilled cheese being distracted writing this. On to cooking dinner.

Yep, I almost made it an entire year without going to the hospital after last years recurring theme of getting stuck in there.

Last Thursday (12/7) I had some tortilla chips with dinner. After going to bed feeling a bit sick to my stomach, at 1:30am I woke up nauseated and ended throwing up. For the next 5 hours. That's right I puked constantly for 4 hours, decided to check myself into the ER and vomited for an hour more until the IV started to work.

My throat is still healing from that acid bath. Not fun. But I can tell the different colors of vomit. And that after the food is out, and after the light yellow bile, about 4 hours into it one goes into a phase where it's a dark greenish brown.

So no more tortilla chips for me. Now I'm relegated to annoying the wait staff with my requests for a side corn tortillas to help satiate my need for salsa.

Oh and the kicker to the whole story. The doctor at the ER told me I had a urinary tract infection. Huh?!? Sure, throwing up for hours because of bacteria down below. I don't think so. (And no it wasn't just happenstance and conccurent. I wasn't having any problems, eveyrthing was normal down there.)

Ah yesterday was interesting.

Starts off with me sleeping in. Then driving off to work at 6:30 because I forgot to turn in my time sheet the night before and then I write on the board about me going to the dentist and being back around 11.

Then I get back and follow my BF to the dentist. Because as it works out he has a consultation at 8 and I have a cleaning at 8:40 so I tagged along to sit in on the consult. He's getting his wisdom teeth pulled. Finally. After 14 years of not going to the dentist I finally got him to go because of the searing tooth pain he's had off and on for over a month. Turns out one of his wisdom teeth is growing in sideways and the tooth it's up against is decaying and he might have to have a root canal on it. So I'm the DD fro the dental appointment on Monday to get all that done as he'd going to be all loopy form th e sedation.

I finally get to work and I have a lovely headache from the tooth cleaning. And then I get to work and my computer won't boot. Just a blinking cursor mocking me from the upper left of the screen. And my normal trick of taking out and putting back in th eRAM didn't work this time so I called th ehelp desk to get them to come out to fix it.

Then I went to Target to get my BF's pain meds and pick up some reading material to kill the time while my computer is down.

But I don't get to loiter long as there is a meeting I forgot about that I have to drive to up north. A bunch of boring engineers putting together a bunch of rules for a pavement council they're putting together. SO it's 2 hours of listening to people drone on about bylaws and what the acronym should be.

Then I luck out that the meeting is over just in time to hit rush hour traffic. And I get back to work and my computer still isn't fixed. SO I go home. No point in twiddling my thumbs for the next 20 minutes.

Then on the way home I get a text from my BF saying that his little sister wants to show off our dog to someone and that he'll also be leaving work an hour late. OK. Not so happy with that one so between texts to figure out what's happening that afternoon, because I'm a bit pissed that he forgot that we scheduled Thursday nigh tas date night. Because I wanted to take him out to dinner because I got paid and was no longer broke.

So ya a bit pissed that I was getting nudged out by his sister and the dog. SO that left me with a hankering for booze. So I stopped by the liquor store to pick up some stuff that I was out of: Starbucks Cream Liquor, Kahlua and Vanilla Vodka. Then I looked down and saw a bottle of Frangelico. I had no idea what that was. It turns out that it's hazelnutty. SO I add that into my purchase as well so I can make my infamously yummy (now nutty) Hazelnut Mochatini's.

I get home, take the edog out to pee and pick up the mail. IT turns out that the emagazine I ordered from t he UK is here. It's one with an interview of Tom Waits. See my BF is on a Tom Waits kick and so I ordered it for him as a surprise. Then as I was in the boring ass meeting earlier that day I figured out that I could just add on to the magazines and make it a Tom Waits themed x-mas present. so I'm going to try and find some Waits on vinyl to complete the ensemble.

I sit down to a mochatini and some popcorn to tide me over to dinner and finally things get ironed out that date night is on and my BF is leaving work earlier than he thought.

HE gets home, takes a shower and I get ready to go out. Then I ask him to take the dog out to pee as I'm almost ready. 20 minutes of sitting on the couch later waiting and getting progressively pissed, my BF walks through the door. It turns out that some dogs were up there and he let the puppy play for a while. SO I let him know in the efuture, please not. As it's humans before dogs and making me wait so the dog can play doesnt fly with me. HE apologised and we took off.

HE had a hankering for pizza so we went to a nice italian eatery and had a bottle of white and sat and talked. It was pretty cool as the restaurant had a view of the state capitol building from where we were sitting by the window.

It was a nice date and I had a good time and then we went home, curled up in bed and finally fell asleep after watching the new South Park.

And that was my Thursday. The end.

I just thought I'd share this discount find.

You can get 40% off the already discounted gift certificates at Restaurant.com by going through this link.

I just stocked up big time for some cool restaurants I've been wanting to try out for a while and some cooler ones I didn't even know about.

I found the link at Coupon Mom and they have other worthwhile deals over there too.

Ya I have my freak outs and then get over it and relax once I get it out of my system, like my last post. Freak out, reality sets in, then I relax. I hope that time will help me calm down on this one too.

One path I definitely want so more than the other. But I know that either I take I'll end up happy in the end. One's just a hell of a lot more bumpy at first.

Last night I asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He paused. And said that he didn't know what love was; that he cared deeply for me, and wanted to see me happy. But love he just doesn't know what that entails.

I almost threw up. But my stomach was upset all day to begin with, and I had already thrown up that morning due to a bad reaction to my morning meds combined with my gag reflex.

Anyways, Blinder's story got me thinking about this, emotional disconnect. My boyfriend has already said before that he feels disconnected from his emotions. And I know that he's very disconnected from expressing his sexuality. So combine the two, emotional and physical disconnect...and I can understand how someone wouldn't understand what love is. Unfortunately we just skimmed the surface of this topic with the couples counselor before moving to Texas, so we didn't have a change to delve into those issues. It was hard enough getting him to go with me that first time, and now I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even go to a counselor just for himself to help him through these issues.

I really love him, and I hope that I can be with him and still wake up beside him when he's 84 and we have tons of wrinkles from all the smiles over the years. I know that we've had our issues. And I've used this forum to vent and let the lid off the mental bottle so to speak. So I've mainly put the negative here, not the squishy little things. Like how the sent memories post reminded me of in California, whenever my BF and I would walk under a flowering tree or bush that smelled sweet we would kiss.

But I see the fork in the road. One, my boyfriend doesn't understand love, can't fulfil my emotional needs and we split. Two, we get married and explore this world and our lives together.

I really am hoping for the second path. Though I understand that there will be pain to go through if I do split with my BF, but that eventually on the other side I'll be OK and I'll find someone else somewhere down the road.

I just really don't want to break up.

I want to continue with all the good stuff to continue. I want the ticklefights. I want the smiles in the shower. I want to be able to watch him sing to obscure classic rock. I want to watch him wrestle with the puppy. I want to feel his warmth next to me. I want to explore the world with him by my side. I want to go backpacking and see sunrises over remote valleys with him. I want nose kisses. I want to hear him quote the Simpson's. There's too much to mention, And I want that all with him.

When I'm in his arms I'm home.

OK, I got maybe 4 hours of restless sleep last night things over things. Not happy because I found a text message on my BF's phone from his female coworker. Namely I'm upset because she told him about a play that was coming up that I hadn't told my boyfriend that I got tickets to, but told him to save the date. So that surprise is a bit deflated. And then there was just a text where she said "yes". And all of my BF's sent messages and trash were deleted. But I'm guessing that it was with regards to last night's employee appreciation thing at a bowling alley for his work that was "no guests" so I wasn't there. So he told me later that night when I asked, that she followed him over there because neither of them knew their way. And I finally asked, and no, she doesn't have a boyfriend.

So I woke up upset and agitated, and ended up getting my BF mad at me for turning on the light without warning him because it hurt his eyes. So I couldn't talk about things then. So it'll have to be this afternoon, and I've already let my BF know that I have something I need to talk about and he's ok with setting time aside when I get home from work.

Thing being. He gets off early on Fridays, and is going to the dog park with her after work. Just the two of them.

I'm not really happy about that, nor am I happy that I'm overreacting about all of this. I know that right now it's an innocent friendship. But it has the possibility of becoming a breach of emotional intimacy, my BF's done it before with his ex and doesn't quite understand the concept (he thinks because it's not sexual it's not a problem).

Oh and she's also going hiking with my BF's little sister this weekend and his sister is borrowing our dog.

Side-note: Gawd I wish that this new SSRI would kick in and kick me out of these negative mental loops. But no, I'm having side effects already on a low dose and will have to call my doc and try something else. Blah!

Ok, I need to get this out so that my mind can stop spinning out worst case scenarios.

Namely I feel very insecure in my relationship with my boyfriend right now and that leads to me worrying about things.

Right now my mind is spinning on about my boyfriend's relationship with a female coworker. Namely, she's the one he eats lunch with most afternoons. When he swings by the snack machine and gets cookies, he gives her the extra one; and when it's not cookies it's pieces of dark chocolate that he keeps at his desk. She joined our group at last weekend's music festival and got along famously with my BF's little sister, and loved the band Ween, that my BF most wanted to see and that I skipped to see Matisyahu. She's thin, peppy, perky, lively and doesn't come with the baggage that I have with 3 years into this relationship.

So I guess I feel a bit threatened, and wonder if my boyfriend sees greener pastures or is just blind that his actions could be construed as flirting. As a couple of weeks ago, while watching a football game my boyfriend didn't want to hang around while our group was figuring out the check and I found him talking to two girls at a table across the patio. Namely my attention was brought to it by a guy in our group, wondering what my boyfriend was doing overthere. Me, I had just thought he went to the bathroom. But watching him talk lively to them and seeing their body language, the girls definitely thought he was coming on to them, while I pretty much know that he just likes to talk and socialize. So I walked over to him and told him to come join our group to say goodbye to some friends that were taking off. Immediately when I got back to the table I saw the girl he was sitting next to lean back in her chair and change her body language from leaning forward towards him. Walking home I told my boyfriend that the girl he was talking to thought he was flirting with her, and he said that that is why he doesn't get drunk, because he like to talk to people and it can be interpreted as flirting.

So I know that his actions are probably innocent, but it still makes me uneasy. And I don't know how to talk to him about this, to have him help quell my fears, without him getting defensive and mad at me for being jealous and trying to take him away from all his friends.

Blah, not to mention that he's mad that I asked him to help fix my hat that he bought me at the music festival. Because his sister tackled him and he fell into his coworker and all three of them ended up in a pile on the ground on top of my backpack squishing my new cowboy hat. He thinks that I'm trying to guilt trip him into fixing the hat that he gave me and making him feel bad about an memory he was happy about, having his little sis tackle him, and mad at me for wondering why his sister didn't have the forethought to avoid the chair with everyone's stuff on (because it started raining, we packed up the chairs and bags and everyone's things were on one chair to be off the wet ground. So it was a large open space, with one chair at the side of our group.)