bellus quies's Journal: Trying to prevent a mental freak out

Ok, I need to get this out so that my mind can stop spinning out worst case scenarios.

Namely I feel very insecure in my relationship with my boyfriend right now and that leads to me worrying about things.

Right now my mind is spinning on about my boyfriend's relationship with a female coworker. Namely, she's the one he eats lunch with most afternoons. When he swings by the snack machine and gets cookies, he gives her the extra one; and when it's not cookies it's pieces of dark chocolate that he keeps at his desk. She joined our group at last weekend's music festival and got along famously with my BF's little sister, and loved the band Ween, that my BF most wanted to see and that I skipped to see Matisyahu. She's thin, peppy, perky, lively and doesn't come with the baggage that I have with 3 years into this relationship.

So I guess I feel a bit threatened, and wonder if my boyfriend sees greener pastures or is just blind that his actions could be construed as flirting. As a couple of weeks ago, while watching a football game my boyfriend didn't want to hang around while our group was figuring out the check and I found him talking to two girls at a table across the patio. Namely my attention was brought to it by a guy in our group, wondering what my boyfriend was doing overthere. Me, I had just thought he went to the bathroom. But watching him talk lively to them and seeing their body language, the girls definitely thought he was coming on to them, while I pretty much know that he just likes to talk and socialize. So I walked over to him and told him to come join our group to say goodbye to some friends that were taking off. Immediately when I got back to the table I saw the girl he was sitting next to lean back in her chair and change her body language from leaning forward towards him. Walking home I told my boyfriend that the girl he was talking to thought he was flirting with her, and he said that that is why he doesn't get drunk, because he like to talk to people and it can be interpreted as flirting.

So I know that his actions are probably innocent, but it still makes me uneasy. And I don't know how to talk to him about this, to have him help quell my fears, without him getting defensive and mad at me for being jealous and trying to take him away from all his friends.

Blah, not to mention that he's mad that I asked him to help fix my hat that he bought me at the music festival. Because his sister tackled him and he fell into his coworker and all three of them ended up in a pile on the ground on top of my backpack squishing my new cowboy hat. He thinks that I'm trying to guilt trip him into fixing the hat that he gave me and making him feel bad about an memory he was happy about, having his little sis tackle him, and mad at me for wondering why his sister didn't have the forethought to avoid the chair with everyone's stuff on (because it started raining, we packed up the chairs and bags and everyone's things were on one chair to be off the wet ground. So it was a large open space, with one chair at the side of our group.)

To be taken with a grain of salt.

[pythorlh]

Note that this advice is coming from a man who's wife had at least 3 affairs while we were still together. That said:

You've got to decide how much this bothers you, and how much it would bother him that it bothers you. If it bothers you, but you can trust him, and it's not going to otherwise affect your relationship, I would lean toward self-sacrifice. If he really is trustworthy, but insecure, letting him know that you don't trust him would be worse than just putting up with being scared.

On the other hand, if you are the jealous type, and you're likely to end up going off on him for no reason if you try to hold it in, then you need to let him know how it's affecting you, so he can try to help you with it. Also, if he's secure enough to be understanding about it, he can help you too.

Finally, if he's just not trustworthy, beat him over the head with it and make clear that he stops or you leave. If you know he's a dog, keep him on a short leash.

Re:

[bellus quies]

I know that he's trustworthy and wouldn't do anything consciously. Unintentionally and subconsciously is another thing. He's very naive as to how charming he is and thinks that all actions are taken at face value. So he would think that giving another girl a piece of chocolate is just that, he had extra why not share. The recipient on the other hand...I can see how his innocent gesture could easily be misconstrued. And he has a hard time saying 'no' to people so, if a girl were to try something, like l

Re:

[pythorlh]

Well, then the question is whether he'll be upset to learn that you are worried. From the sounds of it, I would say no. If you think that's the case, just bring it up to him. It's easier to not 'freeze up' when someone has at least brought up the possibility to him. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.
I actually had this problem once when I was younger. It worked out all right, but things would have been easier if someone had warned me.

Re:

[bellus quies]

I hope that he takes it as well as you expect. My fingers are crossed that that will happen.

I just have a feeling that if I bring it up he'll ask why I don't trust him and get defensive.

Re:

[pythorlh]

Indeed, that's the risk. Best bet is to bring it up at a time when he's otherwise feeling good about himself, so that the insecurity doesn't kick in right away. Also, make it very clear that it's not really about trusting him, but about trusting the people he's dealing with, who might not understand his actions as well. This will be a delicate conversation, which is why I suggested that you just keep it to yourself if you think you can manage it. If it's a case where that's not gonna work, choose your t

Re:

[bellus quies]

Thanks for your advice. It definitely is a delicate issue. And one that I can't keep bottled up, so I'll wait a few days to let things cool down a bit and let me relax then broach the subject at a good time.

And seeing as my BF and my energy reserves have been seriously tapped with the combination 3-day music festival, friends flying in from out of town to visit and go to said festival & BF's little sis getting my BF's extra ticket and tagging along. It'll be good to add in a couple of days breathing