Looking Back...
and Forward.

Listening
Watching
Hearing
Listening
Hiding in a corner

Looking for the faces in the crowd
Calling out in silence
Begging for compassion,
and a face to call my own.

Talking to the shadows
Peering in the windows
Walking through the door
and being there.

Talking
Listening
Shouting
Laughing
Starting to fit in.

This is likely to ramble, but so be it.

I don't believe in God, and I don't particularly believe in an afterlife. Yet I find myself with a curious desire to believe in Karma. I think this is mostly just wishful thinking, since I consider myself a good person, and hope that I will be someday rewarded for that. Of course, if I did believe in Karma, I'd have to assume that I was a serious ass to a lot of people some time in the past, because my luck sucks.

Apparently I am bored enough to do this today. I'm not sure why, I've got plenty of work to do.

A - Accent: None.

B - Breakfast: Thyroid Replacement pills.

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning/Organising. Clutter is my friend.

D - Dad's Name: Lee (mine too.)

E - Essential everyday item: A book.

F - Flavour ice cream: Cookie Dough

G - Gold or Silver?: Silver

H - Hometown: Johnstown, NY

I don't read the front page much anymore. I only seem to find the time to read my messages, 90% of which are notices of journals written by someone on my friends list. And at that, I don't choose people on my friends list for agreeing with me. So I don't really have much need to fear that I'm listening to my own private echo chamber, but sometimes I do. So, in an attempt to broaden my horizons, I decided to take a look at some of the people I don't hear from much here on

I'm losing a coworker next week. He's one of the coders that I work with a lot on my projects, and I'll really miss him. I wish him the best, but he's one of the few that really made me feel like I belong in this department. It got me to think about why that is.

Yes, Hugs. Do you get them? Do you give them? Do you like big bear hugs, or little, slap-on-the-back-then-walk-away hugs?

I've been missing hugs. My family doesn't hug much. A hug goodbye for a major trip, or moving out of state. That's it. I can't remember the last time I got a hug from my mother or father, unless it was 8 years ago when I moved to Dallas.

Can someone tell me if this is a /. bug, or a browser bug, or just the way CSS works?

This past Saturday was my 13th wedding anniversary. I also journaled about my 11th here. This weekend had less crying. I've become more comfortable with not being with my wife. Not that I'm happy, just that the jagged edges have worn off, and the tears are shed.

Who do you talk to
when you can't talk?

Who can you tell,
when no one will listen?

If a man cries in his bedroom,
and has no friends to hear him,
does he really make a sound?

If your friends are too busy,
too tired, too far away,
or too poor to bother with you,
do really have any friends?

When strangers know you
better than your family does;
is your family estranged?

Today was the day. The Scan. And I had The Scan, and it hurt. the first part was OK, but the last picture they did required me to lay still with my neck extended and my chin up as far as possible. Given that I already had a headache with tons of pressure in the back of my neck, this position was excruciating. Uggh.

There are more important things than me in the world. If you'd rather read about them, feel free to skip this JE. I feel compelled to say this because, while everything I write feels small and petty compared to what other people are going through right now, I need at the moment to write something.

Well, not really. But it felt like the right thing to write.

Well, I am moving back to Johnstown from Rochester. I'm having some family issues, and was having a really hard time financially, with the cost of living in Rochester, plus the travel to see my boys.

Hmm. Where to start... (Quick look at previous journals...)

OK, the last really useful Journal entry was December, and an announcement of my new job. Well, I'm here. In Rochester, doing my job, and doing a good job of it, if I say so myself. That's the short story. You want the long one? Go ahead, read on.

Uggh! I had spent about 20 minutes typing a a decent write up for this, then lost my browser window through my own stupidity.

Short stroy... 1and1 webhosting is offerring 6 months free hosting at this site: http://www.1and1.com/testdrive.

I've got one of the three year free sites they handed out last year, and never had issues. If it's worth it to you, give it a try.