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Journal pythorlh's Journal: Answer to Sol's Question 10

Journal by pythorlh

Hmm. Where to start... (Quick look at previous journals...)

OK, the last really useful Journal entry was December, and an announcement of my new job. Well, I'm here. In Rochester, doing my job, and doing a good job of it, if I say so myself. That's the short story. You want the long one? Go ahead, read on.

When last I had written, I had gotten a phone call from my new boss, saying that they wanted me, but were having trouble with my salary requirements. Here's the situation: I was a call center rep. Base pay better than double minimum wage, but after 4 years, I had reached maximum pay and was still having trouble paying all the bills for myself and my 4 boys. My company has a nice rule that any pay increase of more than 10% needs to get approvals from everyone from the janitor up through god himself. Or at least his right-hand woman. This policy has no exceptions made for a change of job responsibilty or skills, in fact, no excceptions at all. Even though I'm now a systems analyst, and the base pay is more than 10% higher than previous, the policy still applies. To make matters worse, the 10% is figured on base salary, and ignores the fact that I worked a great deal of overtime last year. In the end, they only approved me for $5,000 less than I was asking. Not to mention that the change in benefits associated with going from the union side to the non-union side eliminated most if not all of the difference.

With vacations, and general laziness in the management area, I did not get my job offer officially approved until January 7th. I had originally been told that they wanted me to start here January 17th. The kindly gave me until the 31st, because of the late notice. I had 2 weeks in which to find an apartment and move across the state.

All this time, I was having talks with my wife. I talked to her about this before I ever applied for the job. By the time the official notice came, she had agreed to keep the children in the area until the end of school, and then move in with me in Rochester. She hates her current situation, both where she lives and the guy she lives with. She gets along with me, as long as I'm not actually trying to act like her husband. It seemed like a good idea.

My wife came out to Rochester with me to look at apartments. During that day, she completely changed her mind, and decided not only that she was not moving in with me, but that she will never move to Rochester. I took a lease on a 2 room studio, and moved to Rochester on the 30th.

Since then, I've been working every week, driving 3 hours every Friday to see my kids, spending the weekend with them at my parent's house, and driving 3 hours back every Sunday. Gas prices are killing me. Parking costs are killing me. I'm in the same financial situation as before, and having trouble paying bills. It sucks. The good thing is, I enjoy my job. 90% of what I'm doing is the same thing I was doing before, but now it's actually MY job. Before, I was always doing things above and beyond my job duties. I still am, but I'm a lot closer to my job duties, and I'm much more comfortable here. In addition, being officially part of the IS group opens me up to a lot of opportunities that I would never get while I was in the call center. So on the job front, I'm happy... On the home front, not so much.

My wife spends several hours each week complaining that I haven't found a place for her to move in with me, complaining that I haven't found a job in Texas, Arizona, or some other warm state, and threating to move down south with the guy she's living with. That's a couple hours each, btw. Mostly at ungodly hours of the night. I love the woman, but I seriously need more sleep. Me, I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and hope that things get better. I spend my time home alone during the week, since I have no real skill in making friends. I leave the house for shopping, and work, and not much else. I'm not a bar person. Most of the museums and such close the same time I get out of work. I play games on my pc, watch tv and read books. I've been thinking about getting a part time job. I'd hate to spend all my free time driving, but I need the extra money, and I may not have a choice.

Anyway, that's the state of me. Next time, send an email. You won't scare me to death putting my name(psuedonym?) out in public like that.

(Just kidding. The intense stab of fear is more than made up for by warm feeling that comes from someone actually asking the question. I generally feel isolated from the rest of the world. Part of it is me. I know that. The whole not making friends thing doesn't help. But I've said it before, and it's still true. In general, people don't bother with me. My family, my wife, my friends. They say Hi when I'm there, but nobody calls me, unless my wife feels like complaining, or my bills are past due. It's been this way all my life. I'm used to it. Most of the time it doesn't even hurt. But when I take the time to think about it, I can really get depressed. So it realy is nice to have someone ask how I'm doing, without me having to stand in front of them to remind them that I exist. Come to think of it, this may actually be the first time that it has happened.)

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Answer to Sol's Question More

Answer to Sol's Question

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  • But I have to ask...why is she still your wife?
    • That is a damn fine question. I was just wondering that myself.
    • Because I love her.

      Some will say that that is a cop out. The truth is, if we had no children, I would walk away, never see her again, and find some way to go on with my life. However, the depth of my feelings for her will not submit to any lesser estrangement. To see her every week is to renew my feelings for her, such that they never fade. I could not with any conscience subject another woman to a relationship in which I was always comparing her to my wife. She would be second-best, in my eyes. That

      • Fair enough. Thanks for explaining.
        • Wow.

          No, really. Wow.

          That is both the shortest and most accepting response to my situation that I have ever encountered. I normally have to put up with another round of "You just need to meet the right woman, she'll change your mind." before they give up in disgust, and just figure me for a looney. Thank You.

          (Of course, I'm assuming you didn't just skip to the figuring I'm looney part. I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt ;))

      • hmm... you probably don't know my (recent) past but i recently had a long term relationship die. i was with her for 10 years. we weren't actually married... but that doesn't make a difference... we also didn't have children (if you read my history... which is fully documented in my journals -- you'll know why).

        this was 7, nearly 8 months ago. yeah, it still seems like yesterday... and it also seems like a lifetime ago. i had a total and complete emotional break down. i was in a bad place. i got help.

        one o
        • The funny thing is... I think I have gotten over it. Admittedly, for a while, it hurt every time I saw her. For a long time, it hurt whenever I saw her with him. And then, for a while, it hurt when she made some statement that almost sounded like she wanted me back. Now, it just doesn't hurt.

          I'm happy with my self. I'm not really upset about being alone. I'm very seldom lonely. I like being by myself. I'm not sure if I'm just built that way, or if it's a product of the way I was raised. When I was

  • i wanted to let you know that not only was *i* wondering, but point out to the community that i was concerned. And look, people answer!

    I'm just glad that you're doing oke. I'm wishing for 'relaxed, happy, and rich,' for you, but all right is a start!!!

    NEXT time, i will send an email.

    And a journal.

    At least i didn't buy a billboard, right?
    • Yeah... A billboard might have been hard to explain. On the other hand, the journal thing was very nice. Now that I've gotten over that initial reaction, that is. Like I said, and this sounds pathetic, even to me, but I do believe that it's the first time someone has actually gone out of their way to ask.
  • You're doing what you know to be right.
    Sucks, though.
    Take care.

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