What is my malfunction? Why is it that I always want something I can't have? Is this the Ladder Theory in action? Some girl gave me her phone number so why the hell am I not calling her? Another chick at the corner store always smiles at me and now is actually talking to me (I know this isn't a big deal for most guys, but it is for me.) Still, I'm infatuated with two girls I know I can never have. One, a waitress that sings like an angel, has a great personality, and is well...beautiful. The other, a chick that works at a coffee shop around here and kind of reminds me of Jennifer Connelly (*drooooooools*) the whole smart/shy/hot thing gets to me. I know why I can't have them, because I tell myself I can't. Unfortunately my body agrees as I tremble in fear when I'm near any one of them. Of course a lack of self-esteem does not help either, since my car needs a new engine, I have no way of getting around (and we all know guys HAVE to drive around girls.) So my excuse now is I can't go out with anyone since I don't have a car, and when I get a car? I'll have another excuse (less valid of course.)

So why am I this stupid? Why is it that whenever a girl has some sort of interest in me I have to outdo myself? Maybe it's because I think in my mind that I would be happy with Restaurant Girl or Coffee Shop Girl, I did think of the Park Girl sexually but I could imagine going out with her. I guess I just want to find somebody I'd be happy with and not miserable, I just need to realize that I need to try 'em out and see what happens.

Usually I don't take advantage of three day weekends and end up watching pr0n and waking up each day at 3pm. This weekend was a tad different it started out Saturday night going to my friend's party and getting waaaaay too drunk. And what happens when Paul gets sloppy drunk? He hits on every woman possible, that' s what happens! There was plenty of times when I tried groping chicks and surprisingly I never got slapped. They would just back away and say no. I'm kind of glad they did this and I'm really glad I wasn't stupid enough to pursue them further. Of course I said sorry to each and every one of them and they seemed to understand, lonely geek + booze = not good. In a way I regretted that night, I always feel bad for doing stupid shit like that, and I always remember everything I do. Then I think about it, and it's great, I probably wont ever see these people again, and if I do I really don't care. Sometimes it's great to get all your horniness out in one night, and I pretty much did. Although I did not get any "action", I did get to feel some boobies and didn't get my ass kicked.

So I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, no hangover, no headache, just enjoying a lazy Sunday morning. I eventually had to go back home and help my friend finish up putting a new engine in an Alfa Romeo (yeaaaa that was LOTS of fun.) Other than that I just relaxed and let the day pass. Luckily we got the Alfa running and we planned to take the two Alfas out to the coast on Monday. It was truly an awesome experience, the weather was perfect for a convertible, and I learned a lot about that car. One thing my friend taught me about driving is that most accidents are caused by indecisiveness, and boy was it true, there were times I was not confident going 60 through 20mph turn and I would be braking and decelerating causing the car to slide almost off the road, which caused me to be even more nervous and more likely to wreck. When I felt in charge I could easily downshift right before the turn and accelerate right through it. You could feel the car hugging the road as it yearned for more gas. Even my friend commented on my driving skill, which actually made me feel pretty damn good, seeing that he used to drive for Nissan. It has still stuck to me what he said, "I've never seen anyone else drive that car the way you do." I felt awesome, and even more confident. Of course that day wasn't without mistakes, one of the biggest mistakes was when we were driving on Bodega Highway and my friend in the Alfa in front of me decides to pass a few slow cars, I follow, zooming at speeds over 100mph my friend signals for me to get back in the right lane as there is a blind curve coming up. I kept on going, I have no clue why, I saw a VW bus straight in front of me, I floor it even more and barely, just barely make it back in the right lane. The car is honking repeatedly, why? I don't know, just to make the situation even worse and cause me to die. During that whole time, I was not indecisive and that's what probably saved me. If I suddenly realized that I was not going to make it, I might of back down and end up hitting the VW head on, possibly making me road pizza. Quite honestly I didn' t give a shit if I ended up dead on the road, but I still had a bad feeling and I didn't know why. It hit me later that night, what if I caused other deaths? What if my stupid mistake caused another car to crash head on and leaving them dead just because I was an idiot.

At the same time I realized a new love, driving. There's nothing like it, it takes skills and it's very rewarding. The biggest thing I like is that I'm in control. Nobody else is telling me what to do, and when I screw up, it is because of me, not some fucker in suit that needs someone to blame. Driving feels so natural to me. It's crazy the things I do, and it doesn't even worry me. I stay very calm and I usually feel in control. I've only been driving for about a year but I've learned a lot. In fact, I hate to say it but...I'd rather drive fast and hard than have sex. And personally, I wouldn't mind dying in an accident. Not to say I'm going to try to kill myself in a car, but if I was going to die, it would probably be nice in a car (as long as it is quick and painless). At least I'll die doing something I enjoy, rather than rotting to death in my cubicle.

Thinking that the last experience with a girl was going to be some sort of farce and never happen again, I have luckily proven myself wrong. Just the other day I was sitting at the park eating a nasty burger from Burger King, I noticed that there was a very cute chick (tall, tan, curvaceous) sitting in the bench next to me reading a magazine. I sat there for a while, the whole time telling myself, "talk to her! FUCKING TALK TO HER YOU IDIOT!!!" I got nervous a few times and almost asked her what she was reading. Eventually I had the balls to do it, she told me it was some photography magazine and it seemed pretty cool. I started asking her random questions about herself and the whole time I didn't get nervous. I didn't shake, drool, pop a boner, nothing! I talked to her for a while and eventually my lunch break was over. I was about to leave and then I asked for her number. I told her, " I don't mean to hit on you, but you seem like a really cool person." So I didn't lie and at the same time I didn't sound like a total creep.

Afterwards I was jumping around like a little school girl showing everyone her number. People were proud of me because they know how shy I am around girls. So will I ever call her? Probably not. Someday I might have the guts to call her, but at the moment I don't. I'm just glad I had the confidence to even ask a girl for her digits. I'm also glad that I proved myself right, the only thing stopping me from having a girlfriend is me.

No that's not want, that's need. I occasionally hear this from some of my friends. I always thought, "what the fuck? Why would someone need a woman?" I think I'm starting to understand it. Not the sexual part (I always knew that, it' s that useless thing called a penis) but the emotional part. Let me explain...

About a week ago, I decided to attend a show at the Phoenix where my friend's band was playing (Life Long Tragedy, awesome band) One of my good friends' invited two chicks along with him, I know them very well (one from grade school.) So after the show we were talking outside and they were starting to get cold. Instead of standing there like a dope, I decided to say something cheesy, "come to the furnace" in my suave voice as I spread my arms. To my dismay, it worked! Before NO V-Day (No Virginity Day) I would think to myself that I should say something, but I would never have the confidence to do it. This time I said it and holy shit, there was a girl under my shoulder with her arms around my back. Now the other chick (who is BEAUTIFUL) was still standing there, I invited her to the Love Furnace and she joined it! Now I had two incredibly hot chicks under my shoulders, man I felt cool. Eventually the love furnace had to part and we went in separate cars to Denny's.

So we ended up eating at Denny's and all I had was a english muffin. I didn't feel to hungry (or spend happy.) Nothing really happened other that a few glances at each other. After we ate we hung out outside, and now, it was even colder (ohhhhh yeaaaaa) and she was shivering. My friend jokingly rubbed her arm and then I went into pimp mode and said, "come on, you gotta me more assertive," and I put my arm around her. She pretty much hugged me (I don't know why, but I love hugs) and we were just holding each other. I felt so awesome, keeping a girl warm while getting some affection. We didn't stay there too long, but for the amount of time we were there it was wonderful. It's been so long since I've had a girl touch me (without me paying her first) and it was the kind of touching I like. I didn't even think of her sexually. Sadly we had to part our ways and she said to ask my friend for her number (yea right) and I gave her a goodbye hug.

At the time I was so freggin happy, I came to work the next day and didn't even hate it. I was actually happy, all I could do is think about her. Of course it eventually weared off and now I'm stuck here. Realizing that I'll never get her, not just because she's way out of my league, but she's also a hundreds of miles away :(

Every day I understand more and more why people need a girlfriend, having a girl by your side can truly be an awesome thing.

Yes, the impossible has happened. Believe it or not but I lost the invisible blockade known as 'virginity'.

So how exactly did this happen? Well for a while I have been considering meeting a prostitute and doing the forbidden dance for a high price. I've also looked at escorts which cost a lot of money and is against the law. My friend first suggested that we make a road trip to the Chicken Ranch in Las Vegas but it was too far away. Eventually we decided to go to the Bunny Ranch just outside of Carson City. I thought it was a great idea, but we kind of forgotten about it. Then 4th of July came up, it was going to be a three day weekend and my friend suggested it again. Being a three day weekend it would work out perfect so I wouldn't have to ask for any time off at work.

So we left Friday night as everyone was lighting off fireworks and being happy. I was pretty excited to leave and I just wanted to get out of this shit hole. So off we went leaving the fireworks behind and getting hyped up on energy drinks. As we entered Nevada we couldn't help but laugh when a giant billboard flashed "Loose Slots". The trip didn't take too long, we left at about 12 at night and arrived at the Bunny Ranch about 4:30 in the morning. I was half awake as we approached the flashing neon light shining in the morning half-lit sky.

I was a nervous wreck, I wouldn't even ring the buzzer, my friend had to. I said I was too tired, which I was, but more than anything I was scared. I walked in there shaking nervously, I didn't really have any control over it, I went to the bathroom a few times and felt better. My friend suggested that I check out the blond girl named Deanna. She showed me her room and told me the rates. Taking the advice from the awesome people at NV Brothels I didn't just say "ok" she asked if wanted to talk to my friend about it. Wow! A no pressure environment? This is a helluva lot different than a strip club, I actually felt in control. So I sat down and talked to my friend about it, and decided I wanted to do the deed. For some reason she was nowhere to be found. I asked the receptionist (if that's the right term) where she was and the receptionist replied that she was "busy". Busy with a client I suppose. So I sat there for a while, starting to go to sleep. My friend told me to forget about her as he pointed out a lady just sitting there talking to another guy for a long time. It looked like nothing was happening and eventually the group he was with left. It was my chance, so I came up and sat next to her. Right off the bat she seemed very shy and I couldn't think of the word to have her give me a "tour". I asked her name, "Latina" she said shyly as I introduced myself. She also knew very little English so it made it harder on the both of us. Her friend next to her finally had Latina ask me if I wanted tour, "of course!" I replied a little too energetic. So off we went to her room as we lie there and she asked me a few questions. She was really surprised about my age, and she was really surprised when I told her I was a virgin (as always.) By this time I was getting nervous, and she started asking me what I wanted. I told her just sex, after all that's all I came for. She said it would only take me 20 minutes to cum, but I said it was safer to do an hour. The prices she was quoting was quite astronomical, around $900. I asked her if she thought I was attractive, and let her know how pretty she was (which was the truth, she had a nice body with pretty eyes, and eyes are always the thing that gets to me.) Eventually she quoted me $400. I tried to knock it down a little bit more but it was to no avail. I then agreed to it and I busted out my credit card and slid it through her slot. Err wait, we actually came back out and I paid at the front desk. Then we were off to the room where she took off her top and went to the bathroom, I was already getting hard (sweet, don't have to worry about THAT problem) then I took a whaz. I came back out took off my glasses and my boxers. She sat across me as she stroked my man root. Quite an awesome feeling. I kissed her neck and down to her sweet sweet breasts. I started sucking on her nipples (something I've always wanted to do) and licking them. She then put a condom on me as I asked, "Muy pequeño?" (very small) and she replied, "No, muy grande!" Sweet! Even girls that know very little English can make me feel good about my smallness. Then suddenly she gets on top of me and I feel this warmness (awwww yeaaaah) that just feels awesome. We go at it for a while and then she lies down next to me. We go at it missionary, which is quite fun but quickly I turn her over and start doing her in some weird position. I finally get her to do doggy style which is probably the best position known to mankind. The whole time I'm feeling great, occasionally I stopped to play with her boobs and kiss her neck. It was kind of fun watching myself as I was giving her the o-face, you know "oh oh oh oh" (sorry, stupid Office Space reference) in the mirror. She was moaning and I started sweating, I have no clue if she was faking it but I didn't care, I was getting my groove on. She then laid me down and started to give me a blowjob, it seemed like she was really trying to make me cum, and I felt like it but I restrained myself. We went at it again (doggystyle of course) and she gave me another BJ, nothing. She took off my condom and gave me handjob, still nothing. She couldn't understand it. I even tried making myself cum but I couldn't. We were already about an hour and a half into it (my friend said I was in there for about 2 and a half hours) but I still felt like I could go on for another day :P Eventually she had to stop because I guess the main lady was getting on her case and I didn't want her to get in trouble.

So she took her shower, then I took mine. I gave her a kiss and went on my way. As I left the room I had a smirk on my face and opened the door onto a beautiful Nevada morning. It didn't matter that I didn't get any sleep for about 24 hours, after having that experience I was wide awake. Of course I did not expect what my friend was about to tell me.

It seemed that while I was in there, he was sitting out there waiting for me all butt hurt. Of course I can't blame him, we went all the way out here just for me to get laid. Well, he eventually striked up a conversation with a few of the bunnies. One of them, a pornstar named Sunset Thomas asked him if he wanted a tour, he told her that he didn't have any money. She replied that she didn't ask if he had money, only if he wanted to party. So you can only guess what happened from there. So I lost my virginity for $400 while my friend got laid by a porn star for free! The man deserved it. He said it was all because of the bartender hooking him up and he made sure to thank the dude. I think I need to start being nice to bartenders too ;)

So am I a changed man? Not really, this whole trip answered a lot of questions but mostly just made everything make more sense. Sex didn't seem like "the best feeling in the world" but it did feel nice and I can definitely see why having sex with someone you love might be more enjoyable. I'd rather be pleasing someone than being pleased, you can't really do this with prostitutes, you just go there for yours. One thing I'm really glad is that I'm not addicted to sex. I was scared that I would discover sex would be the most awesome thing and that I would crave it from now of on, but this is not the case, in fact, I crave sex even less because I know what it feels like. Another strange thing that I realized after wards was, I WASN'T FUCKIN NERVOUS!!! I can't explain it, all the times I've been around girls, I've always been nervous, but when I was there, touching, feeling a naked woman there was no nervousness at all. I always feared, and expected, that I would be all scared when having sex, but I wasn't. I can't explain it but at the same time I can't complain.

Turning 19 isn't so boring after all ;)

"When you met me at the party you thought I was a nice guy But you didn't have a clue at what was going on inside I ordered you a drink and asked you for a dance But all I really wanted was to smell your underpants"

That night you asked me over to watch Hollywood Squares You left me in your room, I left a stain on your teddy bear Can you see it in my eyes, can you see it in my smile? Can you see the way I imagine you doing doggystyle

Pervert by Nerf Herder

Ah, the beautiful lyrics of Nerf Herder. As I look through my window onto Old Courthouse Square, I too agree, that I'm a pervert. Once upon a time, I was even afraid to check out girls because I didn't want to be called a pervert. No more are those days! When I see a "fly hunnie," instead of looking away in shame, I gawk, and stare and imagine stuffing her (after all, all chicks deserve a right, good stuffing.) I don't care if she doesn't want me looking at her, she shouldn't be wearing slutty clothes in the first place. It isn't sexual harassment you stupid bitches, it's unwanted attention. So yea, maybe you're only trying to attract the baggy pants, fubu shirt wearing wiggers with their sideways visors and their ricers with hideous 1/4 mile times that even my Volvo can get, but geeks like me are gonna be imagining slipping our never-been-touched members into you wet, juicy snatches. Why? Because you can't censor my imagination! That's why! Well, for now at least. Of course I realize that I would never stand a chance and they probably have herpes (word of advice to geeks: if a hot chick is nice to you, most likely she has herpes or she's a man) but it's still nice to imagine her moaning "Oh $name!" while you're smacking the ass and riding the wave.

Ah yes, hot days are nice, because hot days = hot chicks in skimpy clothes (and not so hot chicks in clothes they shouldn't wear.) Even if chicks pretend they hate guys staring at them, they actually do like them checkin em out. Unless some females are really really really stupid and don't realize guys are gonna stare at em when you're showing them the goods.

Would I ever go out with a super slutty bitch if she actually wanted me? Probably not, my brain needs to get an erection too! (and no, my penis isn't my brain, that would be a really small brain) but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna be pervert! Awww yeaaah.

o today I turn the wonderful age of 19. Man, life is pretty fuckin slow. It's nice things are speeding up and I'm seeing my life go nowhere BUT school was sooo sloooow, and so much bullshit.

Think about it, school was the biggest waste of the 18 years of my life. What have I learned? Nothing! All of the skills I have today, all came from me taking apart computers and breaking them. Although I did learn a lot in AP History mainly because of the leftist slant and the hot teacher. Other than that, school basically taught me how to be an apathetic sheep. Have you ever wonder why you have absolutely NO constitutional rights? As far as I know, the Bill of Rights applies to all Americans, not just 18 & up. It seems like school is there to make you get used to not having any rights so when you grow up you wont make a fuss when the government takes away your rights (*cough* September 11th *cough*). Also, look at all the bureaucracy at schools, it seems the teachers have very little power (and little pay) compared to the Administrators. It's like they're purposely establishing a fascist society.

Ok, enough with the bitching of high school, it wasn't THAT bad and great things happened. How many Computer Club Presidents do you know get voted Prom King? Not to mention working on computers and giving them to low income families was an awesome thing.

Now I'm finally 19, a very boring age. I'm no longer Barely Legal(tm) and I'm still too young to drink. Instead of this being a boring, whiny rant on now officially being a 19-year old virgin, I'm gonna brag on how great it feels to know I made it this far.

I definitely got my foot in the door when I turned 16 and landed an internship at a telecommunications company called ATG. It was awesome, at first I was doing stupid boring shit like making ethernet cables (patch AND crossover, ooooh) of varying length. Then I started installing switches (those things are pretty heavy) and eventually I got a kick ass offer. Summer was about to start and my boss asked if I would like to work 40 hours a week (!!!) At $9/hr this was a pretty damn good offer. Needless to say I made quite a lot of money and saved up 80% of it. I also got all my linux training there.

One year ago I graduated from high school and my mom was incredibly worried because I told her I wanted to stay in Santa Rosa. Instead of being supportive she was very negative and thought I wouldn't make it. She wanted me to move up with her to Washington but I already had a few job leads (which lead to nothing much.) I looked for places to live but then I got the sudden idea to have my mom ask my landlord if I could start paying rent and start living there. To my dismay, my landlord was ok and I've been paying rent ever since.

So now I'm 19, living on my own, working for General Electric. Things aren't actually going that bad. Sure I can bitch about women all I want, but this is awesome! I don't have to deal with parents and I'm basically independent. Of course I've always had the issue of wanting more than what I've got, but I guess this is human nature. In some ways it is good because you're always striving, and working hard to get something better; but on the other hand....YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN' HAPPY! No matter how many good things happen, I ignore them and find something wrong. Maybe it's the lack of me having a girlfriend, but what if I were to find the perfect girlfriend that was totally awesome, I would still find something to hate. Even if she knew linux! Well...I don't know about that, that would be beyond perfection.

So anywhoo, things are going good and they're only going to get better.

Quite honestly, I've never heard this word used until about a year ago, the wonderful dictionary.com states that it is "one who hates women." That's a pretty damn vague statement and I'm definitely not a misogynist since I don't hate women just because I hate women. The reason why I hate a lot of women is mostly because of their attitude and personalities. Maybe this is because of me, maybe I'm in denial, maybe it's the books I read. It just seems like most women don't turn me on mentally and all seem pretty shallow. It could also be the way I was brought up.

Until I was about 10 years old I was brought up in a typical suburban lifestyle. A single family home in a suburban "bedroom community" (city planned and all) and lived with both parents. They were constantly fighting, my mom always called my dad a "male chauvinist" and I always sided with my mom. Once my parents divorced, the equilibrium ended, and the boat started to tip to the side. I ended up being the "Man of the House" that would be great and all, but I was under a Matriarchy Regime.

For 8 long years I was blamed for anything and everything. Anything my sister did, I was blamed. I was sort of the "black sheep" of the family. I had to take out the trash every night not because it was my job, it was the "man's job." Of course if I said anything was a "woman's job" I would be yelled at and called a "chauvinist pig". (Not to say I had a terrible life, I was brought up a helluva lot nicer than a lot of people, though I never really was given material goods.)

After reading things like If Men Have All the Power How Come Women Make the Rules?, Chicks Suck, and Heartless Bitches my taste has really turned sour towards women. There is still sexual attraction to most women, but once they open their mouths, I lose any interest. I'm sure it is an asshole-ish thing to say but it's true, I really don't think it has anything to do with females, but it's all about society.

Society has this nasty thing of making people stupid little sheep (including me.) Even nowadays in this "more equal" world, men are still expected to pay for everything and be the breadwinner. Even when women make a good amount of money they still date men that make more money than them (not all cases, but the majority of the time it is.) Even in this day, men are expected to do everything while the female sits there and looks pretty, because the male is lucky enough to have her company. This whole "Women's Rights" movement is the biggest load of shit, it was never for equal rights, it was always about getting women the most out of the gov't. I'm thankful that women can vote, and I'm thankful that it is no longer considered a Good Thing to beat your wife. I'm thankful that things are more equal in that sense, but you have to give a little and to get a little and women have gotten away with giving nothing back (only bitching for more.) Another problem I see with society is, I don't view women as lesser, while society does (even if they don't admit it.) In fact, I view women as superiors. Why? Just look around, guys are willing to do anything to get some pink. They do the stupidest shit, just for some stupid bitch. Why? Because society says it's okay, it's normal invest all your time just to receive an ROI on pussy points. Therefore women will continue doing it because men keep on falling victim to it. Women have the magical mind controlling tool called The Vagina.

So I guess that's another reason why chicks don't like me, I won't fall victim to their bullshit. I won't play their stupid games. I analyze them as a human being, as opposed to a sex object that I must find a way to spread their legs. So there you go, if I find someone uninteresting and the only thing going for them is a nice body, then fuck it. Why should I endure their bullshit just for a little poontang?

So no, I'm not an "misogynist", I think "misogynist" is another buzzword used by "cool" people to label guys who haven't fallen victim to The Vagina (of doooooom.)

I never realized this, but strippers are the greatest discovery for me next to computers.

Yesterday was my second time ever to strip club, and since I haven't been to a strip club in a looong time (almost one year to be exact, on my 18th birthday) I didn't know what I was missing.

What I've been missing was what it's like to be around a woman. Most of my interactions with women have been negative, as I view them as a threat. The great thing about strippers is that they're there for one thing and one thing only...to pleasure you. Sure they have incentive ($$$) but what I've seen from most non-strippers is that they are no different. I don't have to deal with any of the bullshit that would be provided by most girlfriends, they're just there to get you a stiffy, and you get the opportunity to feel what a women feels like. Honestly, I've never touched a woman until I touched a stripper, and I've never seen a girl nude until I've seen a stripper, well, strip.

And how was the touching? Wonderful! I've never felt skin as smooth as hers, her back, her thighs, her ass, her tits...amazing! It was so awesome! I still have the smell of her surrounding me the day after. My friend tells me, don't fall in love with strippers, too late. I'm not in love, but I'm sure as hell infatuated with this stripper.

So who is she? Well, her name is Alaina (I believe) and she dances at Roaring 20's in San Francisco. I found this place when I went on my first stripper exposition when I turned 18. My first stop was Garden Eden which was a total rip off ($60 to see boobs, oooh) then something like $100 poorer we made a trip down to Roaring 20's. I don't know if my friends picked it as random or they knew about it, but we went in and I was suddenly bombarded by a stage of strippers sucking down on popsicles in between the legs of a few patrons. At first I thought they were suckin on their meatsicles which made me a little nervous but it was still awesome. The place was fairly nice and there was a few strippers that I absolutely adored, one being Alaina. I think Alaina's nipples were one of the qualities that "stuck out" (I know, stupid pun) but there was something about em, they were just beautiful. Somehow girls with pokey nipples attract me more than girls with large breasts. Unfortunately I did not get a private lapdance with her but I wasn't looking for one, in fact I was close to broke. The strip club was about to close. My best friend and his girlfriend were trying to get a private lap dance and the club was officially closing with the exception of private lap dances. The heat was on, what was I gonna do? Luckily a very attractive stripper by the name of Madame Butterfly (awww brings me back to memories of Pinkerton - Weezer) offers a private lap dance. I had the choice to freeze my ass off on the crime-ridden streets of Broadway as my friend ditched me for his own loving, or to sit comfortably with this attractive stripper. Of course, Brain #2 (penis) kicked in and I was suddenly holding the hands of a female! As I walked up the stairs my friend and his girl friend descend quickly down the stairs without noticing me. I yell for their attention to no avail, I give up and say fuck 'em. Ditch me will ya? Now who's gonna freeze their ass off on Broadway?

So how was the lapdance? First of all, I was expecting this to be a shitty booth like the one at Garden of Eden, but to my dismay, it was more of a bed, and instead of being told to "sit" I was told to lie down. Now expecting to be ripped off again, I ask how much will this $60 get me? She replies, "everything." Yea ok, that doesn't mean much, I asked again, "Well, will you take off all your clothes?" She laughs, "of course, what kind of lapdance would it be if I didn't?" Indeed! It would be a POS GoE lapdance that's what it would be! So she starts with playing with my cock a little (pants still on) Holy shit! A girl just touched the untouchable! This is too surreal! As she's naked on top of me (!!!) I feel around, ah the soft skin of a female, like none other. She's actually ok with me touching her breasts! And I start feeling them, a little hesitant of course (wha? I've never touched boobs before!) and then she asks me if I'm a cop (WTF?!) "No, why do you ask?" "Well you seem like you want to touch me, but then you hesitate." It's only because I'm freggin Extra Virgin, I let her know this, and somehow, like all girls, acts surprised. The dance was more of a dry humping session and was quite nice. All I can say is I left there a very very happy man.

So let's fast forward one year, June 19th 2003. I get off work to listen to the answering machine only to hear a message from my roommates stating "hey, it's my girlfriend's 18th birthday, and we're bringing her to a strip club, care to join?" "Fuck yea!" I yell to my answering machine as my roommate tells me he will be over soon, but oh fuck, when did he call? Is it too late? I'm not expecting that I will actually get the chance but I start combing the web for strip clubs in SF with Roaring 20's in the back of my mind. Finally I make up my mind and it's Roaring 20's, Strip Club List stated that it would be a $20 cover charge each but I lied to my roommate and said it was $15 each but it *might* be $20. So we're on our merry way to SF as I'm sleeping in a very uncomfortable Accord seat (does not compare to my squishy Volvo seat!) We finally get there and luck out on finding parking on a metered space that only works 9a - 6p. Awww yeaaa, things are going great. Somehow we found Broadway with no problem (I couldn't find that fuckin street when I got lost in SF) and now we even find the club with no problem. We come in and the bouncer says it's $15 per couple. Per couple!!! OMG! Talk about strip clubbing on a budget (if only I was wearing a wig and waxed my legs.) We enter and the place is small and is practically empty, with the exception of some drunk businessmen in suits. Awesome! It's not crowded with old sweaty men. I first get the trial, by just watching the girls and not tipping (yea I know, I'm an asshole but I just got here dammit!) Then, the 3 people on the first row seats leave so no one is there. How fun can that be stripping for no one? (Well I guess it can be better than stripping for nasty men like me.) So I go ahead and get one the seats near the stage and tip a dollar, and this stripper...wow, dark brown hair and brown eyes, she was something...*takes a minute to drool* very nice very pretty. So a few dances go by, a giggly Asian girl offers me and my roommate a lapdance in the booths, my roommate seems to want to do it more than me so whatever. We go, and she's doing crazy shit with my roommate (I guess that's the great thing about being a girl) and doesn't really do much with me. Unfortunately, I pay $45 for this shit! My roommate doesn't give me anything! I'm pretty pissed and not that satisfied. I go back out and I see Alaina dancing *more drooling* One of the things that really got to me is that she looks like a girl named Tess (well I guess you really can't call a 36 year old mom a 'girl') and man I'm infatuated with Tess, I just wish I could see her again. They offer private dances again, I hope she asks me, but nothing, not even a glance.

So the night goes on, more nekkid chicks some hot, some not so hot. Then private lap dances are offered again , 2 for 1. Alaina goes walking around looking for a guy willing to pay the price of dancing with the goddess, nothing. She gets denied, great for me. She asks the guy next to me, gets denied, practically walks by me but then she looks at me, "care for a dance?" "Yes, please!" I reply. Finally! The girl I've been waiting for!

An Indian gentlemen tells me that she is great, I wanted to say, "No shit, just look at her!" so as we were walking up the stairs, everything seemed so surreal, I'm not here, but wait, I'm shaking like the virgin shy guy I am, and she notices it. I tell her that I'm nervous and she asks if I'm a virgin. Of course I am, I tell her I am (I know I know, honesty gets you nowhere, but this a stripper dammit!) It's like I told her the world was flat, she was surprised and couldn't understand why I'm still a virgin. She asks if I get out much and I reply, "not really" and she asks me how old I am, finally she understands why I'm a virgin.

So how was the lap dance? Awesome! Like I said before, her skin was sooo smooth and of course, she got fully naked. She had a beautiful face and a beautiful body to back it up. A very nice arse, legs to die for, and those nipples, oh man, all erect! It was so nice feeling her soft skin, and her thighs! Oh man, nothing turned me on more than sliding my hands down her inner thigh. Eventually I was brave enough to feel her tits and rub on those beautiful nipples, if only I could suck on them...if only I could go down on her...Unfortunately it had to end, it's amazing how much money you spend in that short amount of time.

As I left the strip club, the dream had ended (somehow seeing naked girls seems unreal to me) and I was back to my single, lonely life. I always wondered if this was what falling in love feels like, but instead of not getting what you want, you finally receive something beautiful that you never want to let go. Of course everything must equal out; therefore nothing seems right and you have to deal with the endless relationship bullshit. I can't wait for the day when we realize that we are just animals that want to fuck but at the same time love each other for who we are and not something we want each other to be.

So in conclusion, fuck bitches...and now I'm off to watch some pr0n and dream about strippers.

Yes, another whiny rant by the infamous loser himself. For a while I thought that I was doomed to ever get a girlfriend and that I would be a virgin my whole life. Not through choice, but through fate. I realized that this isn't the case. I've had many girls talk to me, even one actually came to my house. The problem is, I'm too freggin scared. I'm too afraid of the risk, I don't know what will happen, what will the price of relationship be financially and emotionally. Also, I'm comfortable where I'm at. No, I'm not happy, but I'm comfortable. I don't really have much to worry about. I have a well paying job, I have my own place to live, I got a kick ass internet connection, why risk it? Why risk losing it all just so I can have some moist orifice cover my man root? It seems a lot of guys think sex is everything, they are willing to risk everything for it, maybe it's the fact that I haven't done anything, or maybe it's that I value other things. Every time I pursue a girl just for sexual pleasures, I usually stop halfway through the process and think to myself, "what the fuck am I doing?" Usually this catches the girl off guard and she thinks I'm pursuing someone else. I'm not, I just realize that I can't pursue a girl solely for the purpose of boinking her. There's got to be more, I want to be with a girl that I can click with, someone I can have actual conversations and not be bored by each other. I have yet to find a girl like that. No matter how pretty she is, if I can't even have a decent conversation with her, then there's no point. I want to be happy, not even more miserable.

Ok, after going through hell trying to figure out where Outlook stores its messages I discovered the following:

Open up Outlook or Outlook Express.
Right click on inbox then properties.

This will show you exactly where Outlook stores its shiznit.

This is not a rant, just keeping some notes.

I had a lot of trouble getting my damn sister's USB card to work. It would automagically install but no devices were detected when I plugged them into the ports. I noticed that one of the requirements was a PCI 2.1 slot so I remembered that generally the first slot is 2.1 compliant on older boards.

Wham, bam, thank you mam. That was it. Horray. Of course I will not be thanked for this, being a computer techie is like shoveling shit in the sewers. No one recognizes what you do every day, but when people actually have to deal with the same shit you do, they start complaining.

Yes, that's my annoying name on slashdot, why? Well it started way back when on Yahoo when I registered Chicks_Hate_Me_Dammit (I added 'dammit' because I was pissed at yahoo that chicks_hate_me was already taken :p) It was a great way to make chicks online feel sorry for you and go "awww, chicks hate you? I don't hate you!" I no longer use it for sympathy (as I learned in the "real world" it doesn't work) and now it's just an honest statement. So why do chicks hate me?

Why Chicks Hate Me -

Geekness - chicks don't like a guy that is nerdy and likes computers. Why? Just like porn and masturbation, it steers attention away from them and makes them less powerful (Buy you roses to have sex? No thanks, Palmela Handerson is free)

Non-transparency - I don't really fit in with society, I don't try to be a "rebel." I just don't feel comfortable in that position of conformity.

Music - I listen to music that nobody happens to like. I love music for lyrics, and lyrics that relate to me. Not what sounds catchy on the radio.

Shyness - HUGE! I'm incredibly shy. I get nervous around girls and I literally start shaking. Girls don't like a guy that lacks any confidence.

Non-materialistic - I'm sorry, but I don't need all the bullshit that society tells me I need. And this is unfortunate for women because they seem to need a superfluous amount of shoes, yet they will never wear them. I see this as an incredible waste of resources and money that could be better spent on other things (like paying debt.) Of course they see it as being "cheap." (I guess being hopelessly in debt is the "cool" thing to do.)

Arrogance - Just by compiling this whole list makes me arrogant. I'm pretty much generalizing women, but you know what? Out of all the women I've known, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!!! Even if they deny it, deep down, they are all the same. Perhaps there is a rare few that aren't, but I'll never meet them. Why? Opposites attract, they will always go for the same assholes that will always fuck them over. History surely does repeat itself.

Everyone has goals at least one time in their life. So did I, but most of them were unachievable or I lacked the motivation to accomplish them. I finally realized that there was a goal I can easily achieve and not even try: die a virgin. I pretty much went through high school without any sort of 'love' and went out with a grand total of two girls. And those relationships ended shortly and badly. People always say, "You'll find someone, just wait." Ok...that sounds exciting! This may sound depressing, but it seems that certain kind of people are, and always will, be unlucky with love and end up lonely till the day they die. The only person I can really blame is myself. I can go out of my way to find someone, but I don't really think it's worth it. I always see people miserable and arguing in relationships, I choose to be miserable and save a little cash on the side.

So how hard is this goal? A piece of cake! If I can go through high school trying to get some and getting nothing (minus the encounters when I was drunk, which doesn't count) then I could go the rest of my life without trying to get any easily. So follow me, and make some realistic goals, instead of pie-in-the-sky's that just make you feel more discouraged when you can't reach them.

As I ponder about my love life (or lack of) I think about how I'm oppressed. We always relate 'oppressed' with races like mexicans or african americans, and relate 'double-oppressed' with a female of those sort of races. But, I, a lower-class white male, is also 'double-oppressed.'

Whenever we think of oppression, we think of finanacial reasons, but I'm oppressed in another way...love. Maybe I've been assimilated in the high school BS, but it seems to me that poor white males have the hardest time getting the ladies. Especially living in a depressed area where I live. Why? Think about it, many chicks here are poor already, why would they want to be stuck with someone else that is poor? Not only that, white males aren't in high demand. Nowadays it seems like the trend is to go for 'latin lovers' or someone else that is 'tall, dark, and handsome.' I'm not trying to be racist here, it's just seems like it's a fact. The latinas don't really care for us poor white folk, and neither do the foxy ladies. So what about preppy white chicks? Nope, they don't go for poor white trash like me either.

Individuality is the enemy in society. You see? People are going for other races for the sake of thinking they are 'open minded,' but are they? No, they're actually being racist. Determining the quality of a person by their race, be it negative or positive, is blatantly racist.