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Journal Surak's Journal: POLL: (I can't believe I'm asking SLASHDOT this) 73

Journal by Surak

Ok. Now I particularly would like to hear from the LADIES out there, because women are so wise in these matters. Seriously.

Okay, it's 11:00p.m. and I can't sleep. I'd ask people I know IRL, but I called them all and they said they all said "ROB, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. GOODNIGHT!" or some such similiar thing. Since Slashdot NEVER sleeps, ummm...here's my poll. But I can't believe I'm asking this on Slashdot. But I need to get this off my chest.

Can you fall in love with someone you don't want to fall in love with? Someone you'd never want to fall in love with? Are these even different questions?

A) Yes.

B) Yes, But I have NO IDEA WTF you're talking about.

C) No, you can only fall in love with someone you want to fall in love with.

D) WTF??? Are you CRAZY? Why are you asking for relationship advice on Slashdot?

E) Surak must be on acid if he thinks Slashdot users can give good relationship advice.

F) Surak is in LOVE? Huh? How did this happen! Dammit all, I was hoping I could have his sexy Vulcan body all to myself!

This discussion was created by Surak (18578) for Friends and Friends of Friends only, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

POLL: (I can't believe I'm asking SLASHDOT this) More

POLL: (I can't believe I'm asking SLASHDOT this)

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  • B, D, E, and in that order. (D is almost E, methinks). If not, B.

    I dare any lady to challenge me on this.

  • I'd have to say A. - falling in love with someone who could never possibly fall in love with you (someone who's not attracted to your sex) is definitely possible.

    It sucks, but sometimes it happens. Chasing Amy anybody?

  • Surak, I'm supposed to ask you what the following coded message means.

    Somebody has iced Tea. Pull up SIXTEEN steamed Yams.

    Ever notice how all the weird things seem to happen at once?

  • A. Yes. That's the way emotions work. Sucks, don't it. Over all, Pon Far(sp?) is a much better system. I recommed sticking with it. :->
    D. My standard is to only ask people for advice if you have good reason to believe that they have handled a similar situation well. I, for instance, am a decent person to ask about how to have a fairly (relatively speaking) amicable divorce and try to be a good dad after. I'm a crappy person to ask about successful relationships....Which allows me to be good at divorce
    • OK, I'm in that situation. How do I have a fairly amicable divorce? Can there really be such a thing? How do I bite my tongue and keep from telling the dumb bitch to fuck off?

      What are your good dad tips? I have a 2.5 yr. old girl.

      What state was your divorce in?

      • this is a quick, off the top of my head sort of pontification (and long, too, I notice). Follow-ups welcomed.
        It was in Washington. Which, all things considered, is one of the better states to have a divorce in. If you live in one where alamony is the rule...owww.

        The trick is to decide EXACTLY what you want out of your marriage. In my case, it was ME.

        STUFF
        So, when I did up the divorce paperwork (avoid lawyers[1]), I wrote the division of property rather straightforward: Everything that was still in the a
        • Thanks for the well thought out response. It gives me a lot to think about.
        • Hey, I think you're right on about all of this. I think it takes incredible strength to handle divorce like an adult. I'm sure I would just fall to pieces.

          You refer to several places where you assume your female readers would object -- but I certainly don't. As a token of the esteem you've earned with this post, I'm adding you as a Friend.

          Now go write a good JE! :-)

          ....Bethanie....
  • Though, if you have to tell yourself you don't want to fall in love with this person, it's too late. (There's a difference between not wanting to fall in love with somebody, somebody not being your typical type, and falling in love with somebody who is off limits. Well, the first and thrid could be the same, but...Which is it?)

    And making polls on slashdot is a sign that you really need to talk about this with somebody. Perhaps the person in question?
    • Though, if you have to tell yourself you don't want to fall in love with this person, it's too late.

      Agreed. Not wanting to fall in love seems more likely to be a result of (the beginings of) falling in love. Otherwise why would it even occur to you to not want to?

    • Off limits. Well, off of my personal limits. Or so I tell myself.

      She's got a lot of emotional issues, plus she's going through difficult times in her life right now

      Plus she's my aunt's stepkid. Which is weird, but she's not related by blood so I guess that's okay -- especially considering I didn't grow up with her, so there's no familial attachment. She came here from California a few years ago.

      Argh. But there's still this whole thing of what would my *family* think. But then I gotta say, I'm Wicc
    • I couldn't say it better...

      BUT I have to add, if its illegal (falling in love with a 16 year old), or if its breaking a marriage, step back.

      Don't ever breakup a marriage and never go after something illegal. Use therapy for help in dealing with the situation if its one of those two cases.
      • Not illegal...she's 22. I'm 30. A bit of an age difference (8 years) but far from illegal. That's another issue.

        And she's not married. Well, okay, *technically* the divorce isn't final yet (uhhh...) but they've been legally separated for about 3 years now. Neither one wanted to pay for the divorce because it's an international divorce (he's Canadian, she's American) and the cheapest rate they could get was like $5,000. Or something. He knocked some girl up in Canada and wants to marry her now, so he's
        • What's so terrible that you don't want to fall in love with her?
          • Ummm..see my response to SW's comment. And other responses.

            1) She's 8 years younger than me.
            2) My feelings are reciprocated (I think so anyway, will know more in three days)
            3) She's my aunt's stepkid (but otherwise unrelated). I've only known her for 3-4 years or so, so no familial relationship there really.
            4) She has some emotional issues that I feel she may need counseling for.
            5) I'm pagan. She was sorta raised pagan, but is not really pagan, ummm... I dunno. Very religiously ambiguous would be t
            • What do you think is the biggest difference? What tops your list? Is it the age thing (which is silly, not that big of a deal).
              • Ummmm....not the religious thing...that's minor. Pagans are such a small minority in this country (still) that many end up intermarrying, so it's not a problem really.

                Um...age is not so big ... no. I once dated a woman who was ~15 years my senior. Age is just a number, right? The emotional issues give me great pause. But we all have our little issues, so what does it really matter? As long as people can work through them right? The fact that she's my aunt's stepkid worries me. Yeah. That means my by
            • Profit eh?

              That's a sign of a relationship that lasts! =)
  • If you don't want to fall in love with them, you're gut has a good reason not to. In the end, this may hinder love. I'd call this early feeling infatuation.

    WTF do I know....this is /.
    • Hmmm...except that I suspect that I've been in love with this person much longer, I just never realized it.

      It's not early, I've known this person for about 3-4 years now.

      • The "early feeling" is the hook, so to speak. It's all about you, not the other person. You feel love for someone because of who they appear to be; who you think they are. This can initiate a relationship which may move to the next level.

        If the relationship is going to be mature and long-lived, you have to come to love the other person for both who they are and who they think they are (not always the same thing). This is something that you normally cannot achieve without the first level of feeling.
        • unless you have some reason to believe that your feelings are reciprocated

          Ummm...yeah. I'd have to definitely say my feelings are reciprocated. That's the whole problem. :)

          You might want to start by just spending a lot more time with her (for whatever reason seems plausible), and seeing what happens. The value of confrontation and "getting things out in the open" is sometimes overrated. That said, don't lie to her or deceive her - you will regret it. Good luck.

          Well, that's already part of the pla

          • I totally agree with johndiii. Not to mention, it seems as if you're the type of person that likes and/or needs the comfort of being one that lends that shoulder to someone who may be in sorrow, confusion, etc. (ie:loves to help others make their life a little more at ease). It happens quite often that one can mistake that for what they think is "falling in love". If she's having major problems in her life right now (in need of a true friend not a lover of sorts) then now is not the time to be there for he

            • I like you! You remind me of when I was young and stupid. Don't worry, it'll feel better once it stops hurting.

              Oddly appropriate .sig, no?

              The problem is that I'm not sure ... it's difficult because I'm emotionally attached now. Gods, why does this happen to me? I'm getting more and more scared about the way I feel about her. I saw her last night and well, as I left, I started to get that feeling you get down deep in your gut...you know the one, I'm sure.

              And I'm now starting to feel afraid of getting
                • Oddly appropriate .sig, no?

                I'm just your average smarty pants. ;o)~

                • Logic? I think logic has gone out the window. ;)

                Obviously, you're not going to give this one up because in most cases, the heart takes over, not listening to what your gut feeling tells you, along with all the other advice from many others with personal experience or knew someone in a simliar case and/or from just plain commen sense. Should I bother wasting my breath and try to give further advice in hopes that you're a strong enough

  • but don't say I didn't warn you.

    There are reasons you feel like it wouldn't work.

    Your head is warning you, your heart is saying who cares.

    Which are you going to listen to?

    And, as SW said, making polls is a sure sign you need to talk to someone about this.

    Hey, wait a minute. Em = poll freak?

    *WAAAAHHHH*

    Damnit SW, don't make me come over there.
    • Your head is warning you, your heart is saying who cares.

      Which are you going to listen to?

      Ummm...ummm......I know the answer to this one! It's, it's ... uhhh... well, let's see. Vulcans are supposed follow the .. uhh... heart? No, wrong. Head. Yeah. Logic being supreme and all. But ... but ... I *love* her. I think...maybe...

      Uhhhhhh....damn. I give up. Maybe I should just move to Bangladesh. Yeah, Bangladesh. That's the ticket! Do they have jobs for Unix sysadmins or web developers in Banglad
  • Ohhh, A is most certainly possible.

    Perhaps the thing is you've fallen in love, and now realize the person you're with really isn't the best thing for you. But you're heavily emotionally invested and now confused/worried...?

    Or maybe I'm just self-projecting.

    Hmmm... /dr_phil
  • D...your followup poll should be "What is your current relationship status?"
  • Unfortunately, that's why emotions are *irrational*.

    Can you fall in love with someone you don't want to fall in love with? Someone you'd never want to fall in love with? Are these even different questions?Nope, they're the same question twice...

    A thought I had - It's possibly to fall in love with someone you didn't want to, but it's also possible to make yourself fall in love with someone you want to. Maybe you just need to redirect to some other person, hang out with them, and start drawing their name o
    • A thought I had - It's possibly to fall in love with someone you didn't want to, but it's also possible to make yourself fall in love with someone you want to.

      But I don't *want* to. That's the *whole* problem. ;)

      Maybe you just need to redirect to some other person, hang out with them, and start drawing their name on random pieces of paper. You just might be able to break free. Hope it helps a bit.

      You've been FOLLOWING ME AROUND, haven't you! Haven't you! *looks over shoulder*

      argh! There are insane
      • You've been FOLLOWING ME AROUND, haven't you! Haven't you! *looks over shoulder*

        argh! There are insanecarbonbasedlifeforms EVERYWHERE!

        Why, Stalker is my middle name!!! Yep, it's Insanecarbonbasedlifeform Stalker Jones! Glad someone finally noticed. When you have a name like mine, it's hard to live up to.
  • Somebody has iced Tea. Pull up SIXTEEN steamed Yams.

    Tucker

  • Yes, you can fall in love with someone even though you know that's not the most responsible thing you can do. Duh.

    However. You're fooling yourself if you think you actually don't want to be in love with her. You do. Admit it. You want in.

    Anyway, I've found that I become attracted to any girl that I spend enough time around. So, Surak, just because you're getting wrapped up... I'm not impressed. You can unwrap. I guarantee it. If you *actually* don't want to fall in love with her... DON'T SPEND SO MUCH TIM
    • Make sure that she likes you better than you like her.

      Ahhh...now there's the best advice I've heard in a long time. Experience taught me that.

      Unfortunately, I'm almost certain that she does. But that's why I'm waiting to find out more. I'm playing "he said, she said" at the moment, so we'll see if I win. ;) If I lose at he said, she said (lose either means A) I'm misinterpreting her feelings and mine or B) she feels that she has the upper hand -- that I have more feelings for her than she has for me)
      • Well. I still want you to try to cool off. Plenty of good relationships become very serious quickly, but... not if they become serious before they've actually begun. Then there are too many ways to get an impedence mismatch and disaster.
        • Well, yeah... it's complicated, but there's a relationship there. Sorta. You're right. I don't want it to be serious before it's ever been a true
          "dating" relationship as opposed to a "something-more-than-friends-but-not-quite-dating " relationship. That's been my problem before.

          The only thing is, I've already agreed to go karaoke with her tomorrow, and I would look like an ass for backing out of it now, so I'm going. ;)

          But maybe I should skip the whole singing of John Michael Montgomery's "I Can Lov
    • Yep, now that I've read the thred, I'm backing Elwood all the way.

      Keep in mind as well that messed up chicks appeal to the Mr. Fixit that resides in so many of us techies.
      This is a dangerous thing.

      For a twenty-two year old, she's built quite a little history there, hmm.....

      I'ld say RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

      Or, more realistically, do the one week cooling off. It should be an excellent test.

      Rustin
  • Oh yeah. Welcome to purgatory.
    The land of "Surely a bright guy like me can't *possibly* be stupid enough to be feeling this."
    The land of "not just a river in Egypt"
    The land of "did I just say what I think I said and why can't I reverse time and undo it?"

    Good luck. You'll need it.

    Rustin
  • Sorry I'm arriving so late to the thread, but now that I'm here I can set things straight.

    When I first met my husband (who is 10 years my senior, BTW, and the age difference is not an issue, except when I want to make fun of him) and fell head-over-heels in love with him (like 1st date kind of love), I really questioned whether it was the right thing to do (whether I was ready, if I was sure he was the one, all kinds of silly stuff). I was discussing it with a wise and gentle co-worker who gave me this ad
    • Turning your back on it is cowardly. What have you *really* got to lose?

      My self-esteem? Another broken heart? At least it's getting better. The first time a serious relationship I had ended badly, I went into a deep four year-long depression. The second time, it lasted only about 6 months. :) I've learned to be at peace with whatever doesn't work out, because if it doesn't, it doesn't. Oh well. Life throws you curve, and you learn to swerve.

      • Self-esteem and broken hearts mend. And when they do, you're stronger for it. And when you get old and finally do settle down, you'll never have to lay awake at night and wonder "What if?"

        One thing I've learned is that regrets *never* go away.

        ....Bethanie....
        • One thing I've learned is that regrets *never* go away.

          Goddess, ain't that the truth! There have been relationship possibliities that I passed up on for what seem to be stupid reasons now that I wonder "what if?"

          That's half my problem. I don't want to wonder what if for the rest of my frickin' life on this one.

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