StalinsNotDead's Journal: Advice Request for discussing funerary arrangements

Recent developments have not been favorable. My mother has just been diagnosed with a potentially lethal condition. I am in need of advice, so I am asking most of the people I know.

I had, quite some time ago, asked my immediate family members (parents) to write down what their wishes were for the handling of their funeral services and related post-death procedures. Neither of them did. Now this information seems more important, or at least timely. I am at a loss as to how to tactfully bring up the subject. I have a tendency to be fairly blunt, and I do not believe this to be a good thing. My mother is pretty sensitive about these sorts of things.

It's of some importance because I am fairly certain that if a different member of her immediate family (parent or sibling) was to arrange things, it would almost certainly be handled in a manner conflicting with her current ideological stance. (as they are all members of a religion of which my mother has an intense dislike, and there are bound to be issues with that) My mother is without religion, so there is no organized clergy with whom to consult. She's never expressed a preference for disposal. (burial, cremation, or other)

I don't want to come across as callous or uncaring. This is the person for whom I will mourn the most when gone. This is why I need a few pointers. How does one bring up the subject? What are some friendlier words for disposal?

I've thought about leading by example and writing my wishes down. But I have reason to believe that would go terribly. If she doesn't like talking about her own mortality, she likes discussing mine even less. She immediately thinks I'm plotting something.

Thank you in advance for any insight.

Be direct

[Captain Splendid]

I had, quite some time ago, asked my immediate family members (parents) to write down what their wishes were for the handling of their funeral services and related post-death procedures. Neither of them did.

That's a shame. My mother, a nurse, and my father, Mr. practicality itself, told us at a young age what their wishes were for quality of life and disposal.

And that is my advice to you: Be direct. Tact and care definitely have a place, but these questions need answering, and in a full and comple

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[StalinsNotDead]

I've no problem with direct. It's a topic I've tried to breach in the past, with no answer forthcoming. I've tried to tell her my wishes. This boiled down to crying and me telling her to contact my best friend if needed or do it as inexpensively as possible.

Death and mortality are not topics she takes too well to.

Thnks for your input.

Food for thought

[Ethelred Unraed]

While your mother's wishes (insofar as she expresses any) should be respected, there is also the point that a funeral is as much for those left behind as it is for the newly deceased.

Good luck and hope you can find a good way to handle it all.

Cheers,

Ethelred

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[StalinsNotDead]

That's a good point that I had not considered. I'm pretty sure most of her family would want the service in a Kingdom Hall. Though I'm not sure if that's even possible as her official status is disassociated (which meant she officially renounced the religion). That's pretty much the black spot as far as the faith goes.

I'm not exactly in good standing either, so if it was to be held in a Kingdom Hall it'd probably be someone else organizing it.

Thanks for your input.

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[Ethelred Unraed]

Well, as RxWxS says below, first and foremost is how do you find closure. The relatives are of course also important, but if you end up with a lot of heartache trying to arrange a funeral in a Kingdom Hall, maybe it's not worth it. OTOH if you're cool with letting the relatives deal with it, maybe that's the best solution. Either way, death should bring people together, not cause yet more strife.

Good luck.

Cheers,

Ethelred

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[Some Woman]

Good advice, but I think his mother's wishes (if she has any) would be a good starting point. Feeling closer to the deceased by granting one last wish can help with closure.

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[Ethelred Unraed]

Oh, I fully agree, her wishes are most important -- just that I read between the lines that such wishes aren't forthcoming, unless she happens to have something in her will.

Eeesh. Bad memories of BoE's grandmother's funeral resurfacing. Ugh.

Cheers,

Ethelred

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[StalinsNotDead]

Feeling closer to the deceased by granting one last wish can help with closure.

That's one point that I hadn't considered (I'm relatively inexperienced with mourning) that supports the service being held in Kingdom Hall (assuming wishes aren't made clear). I think family besides me is going to have a rougher time of it because they haven't communicated regularly in the past decade (primarily as a result of religious affiliations), and there's a lot of unresolved issues; whereas I've maintained fairly good co

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[StalinsNotDead]

first and foremost is how do you find closure

if you're cool with letting the relatives deal with it, maybe that's the best solution

The sloth in me says I'd rather leave it to them to deal with. But the son in me tells me it should be my responsibility.

I don't even know if I'd be allowed to arrange a service in a Kingdom Hall, given my current standing (probably suspected Apostate with accusations as a youth of being affected by demons and the rather cool reception I've received when attending other relative

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[Ethelred Unraed]

I don't know the ins and outs of the Witnesses (in spite of knowing a few), so I'm afraid I can't help you at all there. OTOH is there someone less pinheaded you can ask?

No worries about memories of my in-laws. There's little someone can say that doesn't remind me of some bitter memory of them. Comes from them being batshit crazy. ;-)

Merry Christmas back to you, and good luck with your mom and relatives.

Cheers,

Ethelred

The Dead Are Only Important To The Living

[Real World Stuff]

If you are given no direction, proceed with arrangements that match your measure to grieve and give you closure.

Sorry to hear it

[RM6f9]

We're wading through my mother's estate (She passed rather suddenly last month), and one thing we all have to be thankful for is that she was very forthright about her wishes - donate the remains for research, zero services, period. What various relatives may have wanted/wished, they could do on their own, but I chose to honor her requests.

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[StalinsNotDead]

You have my condolences (for what their worth) for the loss. It is fortunate that wishes were made clear, and it is good to have honored those wishes. I hope that I am able to do the same.

Hmm...

[sillypixie]

I think this is almost an impossible question without knowledge of the people involved.

My first thought is to ask whether she has a confidant with whom she might be more comfortable discussing such things, someone you trust?

These are much tougher questions to ask when there is a reason to ask it :(

Perhaps, you could ask her whether she'd like a service in Kingdom Hall (whatever that is) and then riff off of her subsequent horror? At least that might motivate her to make her wishes known.

Sorry to be so un

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[StalinsNotDead]

No such luck. I'm the primary person for sharing difficult information. She just doesn't like talking about these sorts of things.

The Shock & Awe (TM) approach may work.

A Kingdom Hall is the gathering place of orgainzed worship for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Thank You

I don't know if this will be helpful....

[Degrees]

First off: best wishes to your mother. I'll pray for her and you.

One tack to take might be in relation to her husband. If he is living, ask him to ask her. If he has passed on, you could ask your mom how she knew what he wanted. If she thinks your question suspicious, then go the direct route and state that the most important thing to you is that her requests be granted. You don't need to be the fulfiller of her wishes, you just want to know that someone is already tasked to do that. If she wants you to ta

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[StalinsNotDead]

Thanks for the prayer. I'll skip the normal snarky Slashdot comments about religion, as I do appreciate the gesture even though I am essentially without faith. It's not something I understand, but I do admire those who exercise it appropriately.

I'll bet this'll be a rather unique inclusion of the name Stalin in a prayer.

My parents have been divorced for quite some time, but I do reckon he'd be willing to help out. And her current spouse is divorced in all but paperwork.

I have no siblings, and she only has v

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[Degrees]

You are most welcome.

That is a pretty humorous thought: "stalin" * "prayer" = 1 / (VBN)

;-)

As far as the eulogy goes, I can't find anything that backs up what I thought. I had heard that the eldest son was expected to give the eulogy - and that's what I did. However, now that I think about it, this was true for my grandfathers' funerals; but, not for other funerals I've attended. More than not, the eulogy was done by the minister, reading off a paper.

Reading articles in Wikipedia, it appears that some r

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