blinder's Journal: The Sniffy Box

i like my therapist. she gives me homework assignments. this week's assignment has been to take with me a little tin box that contains something that has a distinctive scent to it. throughout the day i'm supposed take a minute, small the contents, without worrying what it is, and then carefully concentrate on how that scent makes me feel, what it reminds me of, i then scribble that down.

today's was interesting. i'm pretty sure it was a tea bag. reminded me of winter, a warm feeling actually.

so, why all of this, what i'm sure sounds like a load of new-age hooey? it actually makes sense from a physiological perspective as well as an emotional one.

one of the problems we have discovered is that i have taught myself to disconnect my mind from my body, not quite like a dissociative or depersonalization disorder, to a lesser extent. why? well, its actually a very common coping mechanism for kids and teenagers who grew up dealing with trauma and abuse. if you can disconnect yourself, then you free yourself. its pretty simple really.

i mean, this is one of the reasons, and i've discussed this at length with my therapist (who is actually a psychiatric nurse) that i gravitated to krishna consciousness when it comes to spirituality -- kc basically stipulates that we are not our bodies, that our bodies are not temples, they are just material... a vessel. this always made sense to me, because that is how i always felt.

i never was comfortable in my body, and had a considerable amount of impatience for those who spent huge amounts of time and money on such material persuits.

as i've gotten older and started this process of healing and coping, in a more productive manner, with all of the trauma of my past, the feeling of being disconnected has grown stronger to the point where it now bothers me. i don't want to be disconnected. i don't need to disconnect, to free myself, lift me away from the abuse, the trauma and anxiety because all of those conditions that created that are gone.

we talked about talked about the concept of hedonism, she wanted to take me to the "other end" of the spectrum. i got very impatient, and basically said i have contempt for the concept, and i got more angry thinking about it. she thought that was quite interesting and after chatting about it, she said that through my teaching myself to deny, to restrict and disconnect, i've built a major block to finding a middle ground.

this is where the sniffy box comes into play. scent, as most everyone knows, is possibly the strongest trigger for calling up stored memories. the *only* memories i have associated with scent are those of hospitals, and death. right now, i can smell it. i do not have any positive associations with scent memories. so, the idea is to engage in this exercise, which re-enforces positive memory triggers, it also will help me feel more connected to my body, my phsyical being, which, the idea goes, will lower my anxiety and stop the negative feedback loops that get so bloody loud.

i have a sniffy box (i coined the term)! my therapist said to not use anything like alcohol or peroxide, anything that could trigger the negative memories. solemn has been the one to find the object to put in the box, and they've been great. we've made it a game. i not only have to figure out how it makes me feel but also identify what it is, which trust me, is very difficult.

one of the first ones this week was a small piece of plastic bag dipped in this hair product solemn uses, and had in her hair the first time we met. i couldn't figure out what it was, but it actually triggered a happy memory (the autumn, leaves, warmth, and friends).

i like this exercise. it makes me think and be present, all important ingredients for being more connected.

what do you do to stay connected?

I think that's part of my problem

[Marxist Hacker 42]

In October 2001 I became disconnected. I think I've yet to become entirely reconnected. I have flashes of being connected- usually in the Fa-H-mily bed (with emphasis on the H- Christopher likes to sleep with his head on Mommy and his feet on me). And I'm begining to feel connected at work again- for the first time in 5 years. But I've got this huge disconnect in my soul- between war and peace, between forgiveness and genocide, between xenophobia and openness- that I doubt will heal anytime soon.

Well to stay connected...

[ellem]

I have been looking at this [cingular.com]

The sniffy box sounds interesting

[StalinsNotDead]

I hope my therapist doesn't try that with me. An accident damaged my sense of smell beyond functioning, and I don't have a recording of a scent or an associated olfactory-based memory that's less than 12 years old. Sometimes an event will trigger an odor (like bubble wrap popping triggers frying bacon). Sometimes my brain just says "smell this", and I get a seemingly random, and often times inappropriate, scent (like potato salad while driving on the interstate).

I would fail this exercise badly.

I love scent memories

[mekkab]

I was sitting at a traffic light today with a mc donalds across the street* and there was this H00j deisel truck next to me, raring to go, and it smelled like Hamburgers; specifically from a restaurant connected to a department store (Bambergers?) where they had a little chest where you could take a little toy.

I'm at that light every day, and the McDonalds alone isn't enough to make a hamburger smell across the street. Also, their burgers don't smell like the other burgers; this is the first time in 2+yea

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[Some Woman]

Where does your asterisk lead?! WHERE?!

As a side note, this guy I went to high school with would, for months, go all crazy smelling females because his ex-girlfriend wore the highly popular Bath and Body Works Country Apple lotion. He'd get really close to you *sniff* and excitedly say "Is that Country Apple?!"

I tossed my bottle in the trash.

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[mekkab]

Sorry- the * went to the explanation that the McDonalds didn't normally contribute to the smell of hamburgers; which would be an obvious conclusion. I forgot to connect it to my refutation of the obvious.

And that guy sounds creepy. That being said, girls would be all up ons if you wore Drakkar. And somehow that's completely okay in my mind.

/Double Standard.
//a car with two stick-shifts?!

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[TechnoLust]

I used to wear Eternity for Men. I was wearing it one night and a girl asked to smell I presented her with my hand (I was in a seat behind her in the car) and she sniffed my wrist and then started making out with it. I mean like licking and kissing it. Apparently Eternity smells like chocolate cake or something to her.

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[ellem]

This one time in a Comcast public bathroom in Philly I was making bubbles in a stall when the guy next to me goes, "Dude, you have asparagus last night?"

Well, I suppose that would be his aroma memory...

My comment #5500

[nizo]

Smells are great; from a psychological standpoint they are wonderful for triggering memories. There is a certain brand of shampoo that an ex used to use that makes me think of her everytime I smell it.

As far as being connected, I can't recall ever being connected, which is something I am working on too. Probably why I interact so well with the people inside this little glowing box.

first smell memory

[Mantorp]

is of the patches I had to wear over my right eye to correct my crosseyedness, the sterile packaging was very distinctive, think I was 3 or 4.

scent memory

[gmhowell]

I remember trying to evoke a scent memory in early August. Sadly, the pillows that would trigger that were gone. Just as well.

Abnormal smells

[IamBMETammy]

Iamthefallen switched deodorant during the week when I was away at school. I came home on a Friday and went to feed the baby on our bed. It's really disturbing to lay in bed and smell an unfamiliar male scent.

nope

[SolemnDragon]

it was apple oil, the same perfume i was wearing when you met me. Close, though.

Day one was rosemary.

After that, there was coconut-scented oil that we bought at the body shop to use in our new little burner that goes on the stove and makes the house smell nice.

Today was rooibos tea. I wanted to hit ya with something you'd NEVER smelled, so you'd have to think of things like it that weren't it. Heh.

Tomorrow's i'm already thinking of. It is a fun game. I promise it won't be kitty litter. :)

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[subgeek]

it's no secret; i have a strong liking for rooibos.

Hospitals and flowers

[janeowit]

Just a quick makes little-to-no-sense-note, because I am supposed to be learning about hepatic clearance or having an email fight with SW.

Unlike you, and probably most people, I really get good memories from the stereotypical scent of hospitals. I get really fond memories of nights I slept in chairs so my aunt wouldn't be alone, because I was the only one who could. When she woke up at night I was there for her. Every few hours a nurse would come in: door open, bright light, beeeeep, scribble, darkness, doo

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[blinder]

we have very similar experiences. if you want i'll email you... but it wasn't an aunt, it was my mother, and it was 2 days before she passed away.

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[janeowit]

Peggy's death isn't one of my off limits topics, but there's a few more reasons why the smell of the hospital ends up being a good memory rather than a painful one.

You don't need to tell me any more unless you want to.
If it in any way would make you feel better, sure, email me at the inexplicable address of armygasman at hotmail dot com.

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[subgeek]

The rhythm of the night.

i'm sorry, but this is what i thought of immediately. [google.com] it's not a smell, but the memory was triggered really quickly.

Emotional Detachment

[bellus quies]

That's an issue I'm dealing with my BF right now. He's said how detached he is, but doesn't seem to do anything about it and he refuses to go to a counselor. I however am on the other side of the scale, maybe a little too in touch with my emotions. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

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[blinder]

emotional detachment is another defense mechanism, and not to sound too harsh, but from the gist i get (i've been keeping up with your journals), he lacks the courage to face it (like seeing a counselor/therapist). it isn't easy facing it, talking about it to a professional and having to examine it for an hour.

you have to actually ***think*** about stuff that is _hard_ and _painful_ and ask questions about it, and be open to outside perspectives. all of that requires *huge* amounts of courage.

this isn't a j

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[bellus quies]

A or B. That parallels exactly the journal I wrote before reading your reply to my comment. There is a choice coming up that needs to be made, that I'm scared to make.

I can't make my BF change if he doesn't want to. And yes, I agree self reflection is hard. Especially when it's looking at things that one doesn't want to acknowledge and that have been long buried. I think that he's up to the challenge, I just don't know how long it will take as he's coming at it sideways, instead of more directly.