Humorous Product Disclaimers

ecsmith811 writes "It seems the infamous "they" that people always refer to have come up with some new disclaimers. If you know who Pauli or Fermi is you'll definitely enjoy this. " Yeah, it's a Monday morning. My frazzled neuralnet finds this quite funny.

Warning!

Here are some appropriate excerpts from Dave Barry's "READ THIS FIRST!" The full text is included in the sci.electronics FAQ and can be read here [repairfaq.org].

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:
...
Eight rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

...
...

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID YOUR WARRANTY.

...
...

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

...
...

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

Never gets old. It's in his book, "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits." A staple of my library.

J.I.R. or A.I.S

This is a direct lift from an article in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, later know as the Annals of Improbable Research (http://www.improb.com).

Re:My favorite...

From the kitchen in my dorm's basement. The sign on the microwave reads:

Do NOT leave microwave unattended when not in use.

:)

You obviously haven't come home after work and found that your microwave has had a party without you and totally trashed the place. It was terrible I still haven't managed to shift the stains from the walls [shudder], goodness only knows what that was. (I even asked, but it just stared at me with those baleful dials and well...)
Suffice to say I'm now employing someone to watch it 24/7.
:)

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Another good one...

I saw this one the other night on a commercial for Saturn automobiles. The ad features testimony from a Saturn owner who was involved in an accident with a truck, but 'thanks to the superior safety features of his Saturn', he was able to walk away unscathed.

Meanwhile, the Saturn legal department added this disclaimer in the corner of the screen:

"Actual crash results may vary."

Re:My Favorite Stupid Product Warning

Shouldn't water have an infinite shelf life?

The water has an infinite shelf life; the problem is that if it sits in those plastic bottles too long it will become laden with carcinogens and other toxins by leaching.

These will cause your gonads to shrivel up and fall off or alternatively massive brain tumors like Roblimo.