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Humorous Product Disclaimers 100

Posted by Hemos
from the they-said-it dept.
ecsmith811 writes "It seems the infamous "they" that people always refer to have come up with some new disclaimers. If you know who Pauli or Fermi is you'll definitely enjoy this. " Yeah, it's a Monday morning. My frazzled neuralnet finds this quite funny.
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Humorous Product Disclaimers

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  • Actually sometimes water can go 'stale.'

    Something to do with the minerals and other microscopic junk in there. I think it may also depend on whether it is distilled or what the ratio of parts per million is. While water in its molecular form may be pure, it still has a lot of other stuff in it after it falls out of the clouds...
  • That's a Visa ad.

    (Someone)'s Paints can help you find just the right shade, but you won't be able to buy it with American Express.

    Somehow, it wouldn't have been as effective if they were in a costume shop, buying real face paint. Oh well...
  • How very constructive.

    You can't formulate a one or two sentence disclaimer by yourself, yet you are going to mock a successful software company? I can't wait to get a glimpse of your wit!
  • My personal favorite is the SUV commercial where they show a bunch of guys preparing to launch themselves with a slingshot, then they show a SUV and talk about how SUV owners have never been able to go from 0-60 this fast before... and on the bottom of the screen it says "claim applies to SUV".

    Though I also liked the car comemrcial where it's driving fast and such on the desert, and the disclaimer says "Professional Driver. Closed course. Lucky Him."
    ---
  • Important safety instructions - keep these instructions

    Warning - Do not dispose of batteries in fire - they may explode. Do not swallow batteries. In an AAA battery is swallowed, contact your local poison control center, your physician, or the National Battery Ingestion Hotline at (202) 625-3333

    Warning - Do not swallow the battery door
  • I first saw this list on a tattered printout on a professor's door 11 years ago in Utah.


    New indeed. Good stuff though.

  • ...that keep the sun out of your car when you put them on the windshield? Actual warning label from one:

    WARNING: DO NOT DRIVE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE.

    (Duh.)

    Hair dryers inevitably have:

    WARNING: DO NOT USE IN BATHTUB OR SHOWER.

    (in case you were stupid enough to actually want to dry your hair whilest washing it.)

    And I thought I'd seen it all until someone at GM actually hurt themselves picking up a large (21") CAD monitor. They actually went and WEIGHED every single piece of computer equipment and labeled it (no I'm not making this up). For instance, on Compaq Deskpros (in slightly-smaller than AT-sized desktop cases):

    WEIGHT: 28 LBS.

    Caution: BULK/WEIGHT may require TEAM LIFTING and/or MECHANICAL ASSISTANCE.

    Team lifting for a DESKTOP COMPUTER CASE??? Gimme a break. Yeah, mechanical assistance. We'll just use one of those big ELECTROMAGNETS to pick the computer case up from the top. No problem. :)

  • It's related to the fact that socks come in pairs - the wormholes have symmetry breaking characteristics that cause left/right pairs to be separated - usually by several light years.

    Hence, all those single socks that get left behind. Once one sock is sucked, the other sock will remain forever unsucked.


    --
  • Because she was stupid enough to put a cup of hot coffee in between her legs and try to drive.(coffee is made with boiling water, you know. Personally, I like it that way.) It was her own freaking fault.


    --
  • The time dimension is non-spatial, and is AFAIK usually excluded from discussions topology, physics and such.

    Yes, time is often referred to as the 4th dimension, but it's usually hyperspace, which is indeed "rolled up" into a "small area", as it were.
  • I'll be polite and assume you're using metric units. 95 degrees F wouldn't do squat to coffee grounds.

    And in any case, the manual on my, er, manual, coffee maker specifies that the water should be at a rolling boil before I pour it over the grounds.


    --
  • Who would sue for missuse of the Happy Fun Ball? :-)

    Taken from www.happyfunball.com [happyfunball.com] which was original the SNL skit, I've take the liberty of posting it here to avoid the /. effect. :-)



    =============================



    Happy FUN BALL!


    -only $14.95-

    • Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should
      avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
    • Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous
      speeds.
    • Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to
      rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
    • Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.




    Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
    • Itching
    • Vertigo
    • Dizziness
    • Tingling in extremities
    • Loss of balance or coordination
    • Slurred speech
    • Temporary blindness
    • Profuse sweating
    • Heart palpitations



    If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
    and cover head.


    Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.


    When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special
    container and kept under refrigeration...


    Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
    Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any
    and all liability.


    Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance
    which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.


    Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
    also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.


    Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.


    Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.


    Happy Fun Ball


    ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

  • This is from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, (www.jir.com), [jir.com] Volume 36, Number 1. I think it was published about ten years ago, and is reproduced widely on the net, and as such, isn't terribly newsworthy.
  • My friend's father had taken the warning from the top step of a ladder, and placed it above the toilet in his bathroom. The label said:

    "Warning! Do not sit or stand"

    We determined that that left lying down.
  • If you are interested in this, I got the PDF from the above poster, and have put it up on the web. Look to http://wmills.tripod.com/milspec.html [tripod.com] for the PDF. (hosted on Tripod to prevent my home box from getting /.ed, but there is something in the page to track hits :) )
  • by jfunk (33224) <jfunk@roadrunner.nf.net> on Monday October 11, 1999 @09:40AM (#1623634) Homepage
    Here are some appropriate excerpts from Dave Barry's "READ THIS FIRST!" The full text is included in the sci.electronics FAQ and can be read here [repairfaq.org].

    WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.


    If you attempt to return the device to the store, and are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

    Besides the device, the box should contain:
    ...
    Eight rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

    ...
    ...

    WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID YOUR WARRANTY.

    ...
    ...

    WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

    ...
    ...

    WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.


    Never gets old. It's in his book, "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits." A staple of my library.
  • Note that pure water does NOT fall out of the clouds. Water only falls from the clouds when it condenses around another particle/molecule which means by definition it is not pure.

    I remember hearing once about a group of scientists tried to get pure water by boiling it over and over. They ended up getting this really weird liquid that had such great attraction they could start pouring it from one cup to another and it would continue to pour even after setting both cups down. They later realized that the repeated boiling process had melted some of the glass from the container into the liquid.
  • ah - you missed the obvious .... the label was on the plastic bottle, not the water ..... it's the bottle that will go off (the water tastes the same .... it's all those little disolved bits of plastic bottle that will make it taste crappy)
  • WARNING - Rapid slowing or speeding-up can cause loss of control on slippery surfaces. If you crash, you can be injured. (Acura Integra 1998 Owner's Guide)

    WARNING - Continuous contact with USED motor oil has caused cancer in laboratory mice. (1996 Ford Contour Owner Guide)

    WARNING - To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and children. (on a plastic bag)

  • I know warning labels frequently seem obvious, but maybe not to everyone. For every sticker that says "warning: do not stick hand into rotating blades", there is a person with no common sense and no fingers. McDonalds didn't put warning labels on their coffee until someone spilled it on themselves and sued.
  • Don't forget, the combination of spinning and heat can also open up/attract wormholes/tears in the spacetime continuum, thereby causing socks to disappear.

    Yes, socks only. Only the universe knows why socks are preferred. (Don't try to observe this phenomena though. The act of observation changes the experiment, therefore, socks won't get lost.).
  • Well, of course I can string 2 sentences together, I'm just not a lawyer. I need a disclaimer that will stop me getting sued, not just stop someone getting offended. It needs to be kinda legally binding, so to speak.
  • "Didn't I just tell you to NOT swallow the battery???!!! Now I'm going to have to call LONG DISTANCE! This is coming out of your allowance!"

    Presumably there are enough people out there swallowing batteries to justify having a hotline setup.
  • Your story reminds me of another commercial hawking what I think are Daewoo's submissions to the SUV market. It features two completely yuppie women (both driving SUVs) who simultaneously notice a parking spot and subsequently notice the other woman eyeing it as well. Some serious off-roading occurs in the race to get there first, during which time a caption is shown that reads:

    "No parking spot is this important. Okay, maybe it is, but please don't do this."

    No matter how many times I see this commercial, I usually end up sitting on the floor laughing by the time it ends.
  • There are actually still multiple theories about the dimensionality of space, the most common being 8, ten and 17. (See twistor theory, some older string theories that are still being investigated.
  • It should read "..and the inverse of the squares of the distance between them," not "...and the inverse of the distance between them." -Foof
  • Amongst the best one would be a bag of peanuts marked "may contain nuts".
  • From the kitchen in my dorm's basement. The sign on the microwave reads:

    Do NOT leave microwave unattended when not in use.

    :)

  • by CarlPatten (6233) on Monday October 11, 1999 @07:00AM (#1623651)
    This is a direct lift from an article in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, later know as the Annals of Improbable Research (http://www.improb.com).
  • At least he will not be sued....

    though I am sure someone will find a way to poke their eye out with any product, and her lovely lawyer could still find a loophole in even the above warning label.

    "Not my fault"
  • by Anonymous Coward
    Don't confuse the Journal - which was brilliant but has been largely defunct for years - and the Annals - which is brilliant and not defunct. The Annals (of Ig Nobels fame) was founded by the editors of the Journal but did not replace it, which produced a long, bizarre lawsuit about copyright infringement.
  • I bought a talking South Park Desk Organizer (Kenny for all of you who are wondering). It was located in the toy section in the store, even though it plainly said on the top of the box:

    WARNING: This is NOT a toy
  • by Otto (17870)
    The disclaimer on the right is a good one. The scientific truth is much funnier. As soon as I make a product, I'll include something along these lines. :-)


    ---
  • How about some disclaimers with nice trunklets of truth from other sciences and such..
    WARNING
    Consuming nothing but this product might lead to dehydration.
    DANGER
    Stopping to breathe while watching this programme
    might render your children parentless.
    WARNING
    Dividing the cirumference by the diameter of this
    soda can top might lead to a large loss in time.
    DANGER
    Spitting on this piece of bread after it magickally turned into flesh will by the powers
    of god allmighty lead to a nasty everlasting time
    in a hot spot.
    WARNING
    Trying to memorize this edition of Kant's "Critique of true Reason" might lead to
    a lot of confusion and brain cell loss.

    Any more?
  • The cunning bastards have thought of that; most products are made nowadays so that if anyone looks at the twinned object, the original is instantly destroyed. Not only is this not covered by the guarantee, there's a chance that your product will spontaneously transform into something completely different; something for which you don't have a receipt.
  • New Scientist [newscientist.com]'s Feedback column regularly has examples of bemusing labels; some examples that spring to mind (paraphrasing) are the frisbee that wasn't suitable for under threes because it contained small parts and the CD player that said "warning: dangerous warning inside".
  • by pcyrsph (42223) on Monday October 11, 1999 @07:26AM (#1623660)
    From the kitchen in my dorm's basement. The sign on the microwave reads:

    Do NOT leave microwave unattended when not in use.

    :)


    You obviously haven't come home after work and found that your microwave has had a party without you and totally trashed the place. It was terrible I still haven't managed to shift the stains from the walls [shudder], goodness only knows what that was. (I even asked, but it just stared at me with those baleful dials and well...)
    Suffice to say I'm now employing someone to watch it 24/7.
    :)

    -------
  • "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals."
    What scary is that someone must have tried that for them to put the disclaimer on.
  • what if intertwining allows an outside entity to "eavesdrop" on your use of this product? I'd say that's a pretty significant risk which is not addressed here. Legally, shouldn't they advise the end-users of this possibility?
  • I had to read this so don't scorn me

    Note on Java Support. The OS Components may contain support for programs written in Java. Java technology is not fault tolerant and is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring fail-safe performance, such as in the operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support machines, or weapons systems, in which the failure of Java technology could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage. Sun Microsystems, Inc. has contractually obligated Microsoft to make this disclaimer.

    Heheh.


    -[ World domination - rains.net ]-
  • You're right. If that product contains nuts, he's lawyer's dogmeat.
  • is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring fail-safe performance, such as in the operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support machines, or weapons systems,

    There is something similar (if not identical) to this in the Star-Office I D/L'ed the other day. Makes me wonder exactly what part of it *could* be used to control life support or air traffic control systems...

    McRANdello

  • What about those disclaimers that PHB's like to put on the bottom of their email

    "You're not supposed to read this email even though my broken Exchange server sent it to you marked urgent, so you'd better send it right back without even THINKING about reading it"

    Does it really have any legal meaning at all ? Or is just the pointless posturing of someone who's read too much media hype ?


  • "This is a work of fiction. Any relation to any persons, places, or things, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional." - Paraphrased standard movie disclaimer.
  • You're right. In fact, several of these warnings have been on our website [rps.net] for three or four years now. They're definitely not new.
  • What is so bad about a jackass?
    Isn't that an animal like a donkey?
    They are stubborn and carry alot of
    weight for weak humans. If they
    don not want to walk a path they
    stop and only by hurtng them you
    might get them to move. And no
    I do not write prose in german.
    I am a little man aspiring to
    be an artist. But then again they
    didn't let me into arts school so
    I'll go for politics and after that
    world domination. And since christian
    faith does not bother me i even
    reply to ACs like you. Let me guess
    your next reply:
    "You just like really have to not
    be a total like jackass" No worries
    name calling broadens my frogsmile
    even more.
  • a good coffeemaker makes its coffee using 95 degrees water and should be kept at 85 degrees after that. can't get more than 15 degrees over 85 degrees, then it's boiling.

  • I must admit, I was quite surprised to see this here. I`ve had the right-hand-side on my website [ed.ac.uk] for several years now. (Yes, I don`t change it that often. So what?)
  • This reminds me of the new Lifesavers commercial where they warn that their pineapple flavored Lifesaver is not Y2K compliant. They're running a promotion where they want people to vote on a Y2K compliant flavor to replace pineapple come January 1st.
  • by Awel (28821)
    The Journal of Irreproduceable Results [jir.com], from whence this originally came, is well worth a look. It seems to be down though: anyone know anything about it?
  • It's happy, it's fun, it's happy fun ball!!! . . . If ruptured happy fun ball should not be touched, inhaled or looked at. Do not taunt happy fun ball.
  • best bit of advice I ever received was from a box of matches:-

    "Keep dry and away from children."

  • Earlier this year my wife bought a breast pump so that we could store mothers milk in the freezer for when we wanted to go out and had a baby sitter. On the box was the enlightenong text "Ideal for mothers" I mean whoe else would want to use it...wait.. don't answer that
  • When the first bags of the new WOW chips came out they said this "Warning adnormal sippage my occur."

    Good thing they came up with Olestra!

    InIt_0
  • If you watch CNBC (i.e. have no life, or are paranoid that your RHAT is going the way of Montgomery Ward stock) you may have seen the ad for MyTrack [mytrack.com] (YADB). Their tagline is "Trade like a pro." The disclaimer is "'Trade like a pro' does not imply that there are no differences between an investor using MyTrack and a professional investor."

    But the commercial is kinda cute. ("His fish are named Dow and Jones... He rides the bull, he pets his cat.")
  • I tried to read that when studying philosophy, actually. But then you find in his introduction
    where he got his Inspiration from: David Hume.
    And that guy really wrote some amazing things
    about Experience and how it furthers personal
    knowledge and the sciences.
    And thanx for calling me a jackass - but i
    knew that too allready IA IA HA HA .o.
  • Oh, the JIR had some exceedingly funny bits from time to time.

    One I specifically remember was a parody of many experimental particle physics papers, you know, the ones where all 400 people who work on the beam line get their names on a particularly important paper...

    The title was something like "The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth"
    After about 400 authors, including George Herman (Babe) Ruth (no less than 3 times!) the body of the paper read...

    "As far as we can determine, peanut butter has no direct effect on the rotation of the Earth."

    Oh, I laughed and laughed. Yeah, physics geek humor, but then again, I am a primo physics geek!

    --
  • There are more actual disclaimers [rinkworks.com] at the Rinkworks site [rinkworks.com].

    Also check out the employee reviews [rinkworks.com] and the computer stupidities [rinkworks.com] pages.
  • by elh102 (64550) on Monday October 11, 1999 @08:00AM (#1623690)
    I saw this one the other night on a commercial for Saturn automobiles. The ad features testimony from a Saturn owner who was involved in an accident with a truck, but 'thanks to the superior safety features of his Saturn', he was able to walk away unscathed.

    Meanwhile, the Saturn legal department added this disclaimer in the corner of the screen:

    "Actual crash results may vary."
  • I have actually seen these disclamers in a real
    catalog for real products. One year the Tripplette fencing equiptment catalog had most of these disclaimers. This catalog also had a bag that was described as being as tough as Dean Martin's liver.

  • Has anyone seen that Toyota (i think) commercial where the guy slides on a water slide and the (rather long) small print says that water slides are dangerous for adults? Or the Burger King commercials where the claim to be the nations favorite burgers (or something like that) and the small print says: according to preference. Or my favorite, the antacid add where they say you can take the drug (pepsid AC - I think) 1/2 hour before but the other (Zantac - I think) has to be taken 1 hour before and the small print says: according to the labeling. In other words they're probably similar drugs.


    -- Moondog
  • At the bottom of my page I've got this:

    All rights reserved. No use may be made of any original materials from this site without permission. Legal Restrictions may apply. Offer void where prohibited by secular or holy law. Sales Tax may be required in some states (Confusion, Intoxication, and Shock specifically exhibited). Contents may settle during shipment and/or prior to depositions. Flammable when wet. Proprietors and staff not responsible for loss of composure, illusions, virginity, or any other artifact or item tangible or otherwise. Prosecutors will be violated.
  • Ever want to bake cookies based off of U.S. military standards?

    For those of you who have access to a standards database check out MIL-C-44072C. The title is "Military Specification: Cookies, Oatmeal and Brownies, Chocolate Covered".

    I have a pdf file if anyone is interested. I don't want to put it up on my web page for fear of being /.'ed. If anyone wants to post it, let me know.

    This document is 23 pages and discusses (in government detail) all of the ingredients, baking procedures, and possible shipping methods. If you want to bake, bake with this government recipe.

    Just so you know: "This specification is approved for use by all Departments and Agencies of the Department of Defense". So the usual disclaimer probably applies: Use at your own risk.

    ~afniv
    "Man könnte froh sein, wenn die Luft so rein wäre wie das Bier"
  • *NOTE*
    Check contents of package before accepting. Contents may not exist.
  • I've recently put up a Microsoft bashing website and I'm a little worried they might have a sense of humour failure. Anyone know of a decent "I didn't mean it, it's all just a joke" type disclaimer that I can use? Either post or email me if you want to know more.
  • Oh man! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! Thanks... humans can be so funny at times, but corporations are funnier!

    -Bob the furry eyed penguine
  • One of my favourite disclaimer "goofs" I found on a box of Grape-Nuts cereal. They split the disclaimer into halves, placing each half on one of the two flaps at the top of the box. The full disclaimer was, "Packaged by weight, not by volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during shipping and handling."


    However, they split it in a humourous manner. I only saw the latter half which read,


    "contents may have occurred during shipping and handling.


    I thought, what do they do, ship it empty and hope that via quantum tunneling the product comes into existence?

    --Jamin Philip Gray
    jamin@DoLinux.org

  • that I would have expected to see here: WARNING: Use of this product will contribute to the heat death of the universe.

    Oh, and I have to give that disclaimer a big WOW.
  • Anarchy Rules!!! (oh well, nobody ever said wrestling was for the (for lack of a better word) more educated population....we have chess)

    Maybe not a disclaimer, but still funny.

    That's my $(2^4*3+1/7%3*2/100)
  • articles are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal;

    kinda go together actually.

    <FAUX-HTML>
    <BOLD>Because I can.</BOLD>
    </FAUX-HTML>

    Chuck
    QA, Shitsume Corp. -- (speaking of disclaimers!)
  • Please Note:

    Some quantum theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist.

    Now I know why my socks disappear when I put them in the dryer
  • I saw some ad on tv just recently which I think is for a sports channel or something sports-related but anyway, the gist of it is, a couple is in a store looking for the perfect color paint, which of course leads you to believe you are watching a commercial about paint. But no. When they find the right shade they've been seeking, the final shot of the ad shows them at a football game or something with thier faces painted the colors of thier teams.

    And at the bottom of the screen in fine print: "Do not paint your face with house paint."

    But! But! They just did it!
  • by the eric conspiracy (20178) on Monday October 11, 1999 @08:49AM (#1623712)
    Shouldn't water have an infinite shelf life?

    The water has an infinite shelf life; the problem is that if it sits in those plastic bottles too long it will become laden with carcinogens and other toxins by leaching.

    These will cause your gonads to shrivel up and fall off or alternatively massive brain tumors like Roblimo.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach

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