Journal tomhudson's Journal: Jokes 14
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green, Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" the patient asked,
"It's Not Unusual." the doctor replied.
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have
to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparentl! y, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that! you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
21. A sandwich walks Into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
some of those took me a minute. (Score:2)
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Re:some of those took me a minute. (Score:2)
Re:some of those took me a minute. (Score:2)
A: Take him out for a drag.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he can't come anyway.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Tip the veal and don't forget to try your waitress.
Hunting dog joke (Score:2)
Very unhappy with his purchase, he goes back to the breeder and explains what happened. The breeder nods his head, and lifts up the tail. The dogs anus is open about two inches. The breeder grabs the dogs 'nads and twists them a quarter turn, and the dog's anus clos
Dab kojes (Score:2)
Seal walks into a club
What do you get if you gross a Don with Drug deal
Cement shoes.
Reporter walks into an office, asks the man at the till if there is any truth to the accusation of narcissism in the hiring policy
What do you get if you put a baby in a blender..
life , no hope of parole
What do you do if your washing machine breaks down...
Divorce then find a new one
A
Re:Dab kojes (Score:2)
Re:Dab kojes (Score:2)
Re:Dab kojes (Score:2)
Re:Dab kojes (Score:2)
See I'm just crap at telling jokes but I'm great at witty retort and one liners.
Oh and slapstick and vocal comedy , forget about it , i rule . Which makes me particularly unfunny over the net
Older farmer gets married (Score:2)
On the way home, the mule pulling the wagon stumbles. The farmer stops the mule, gets off the wagon, stares the mule in the face and says "That's one."
They continue their journey. Further on, the mule stumbles a second time, and the farmer repeats himself, only this time saying "That's two."
As they near the farmer's house, the mule stumbles a third time. The farm
Jokes... (Score:1)
Why don't old people have sex?
Ever tried to split apart a grilled cheese sandwhich?
HAHAHA. Ok, it's better if you use your hands together at fingers and palm and kind of spread them apart in the centre as a visual for the subject
I did like the one about the bra... (Score:2)
What's red, bubbles and scratches at the window?
Baby in a microwave.
What's red, bubbles and sits in the corner?
Baby playing with a razor blade.
What's green and doesn't bubble anymore?
Same baby three weeks later.
Re:I did like the one about the bra... (Score:1)
I don't have a cadilac in my garage.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom eating its way out.
How do you fit a hundred dead babies in a phone booth?
Liquidizer
How do you get them out?
Straw, or Doritoes
Excuse my speling.
more jokes (Score:1)
And the pirate replies "ARRRR. It's driving me nuts!"
Terrible jokes w/o punchlines [somethingawful.com]