Anything sounds absurd if worded the right way.
Are you that tragic a fanboy, direct from the patent applicaiton, so Apple's words, not mine:
1. A retail paper bag, comprising: a bag container formed of white paper with at least 60% post-consumer content.
US Patent application 20160264304
Here's a picture
Tell me that's not Apple patenting a paper bag and how the evil "Hateurs" are twisting it out of proportion.
Also your knowledge of history sucks.
Henry Ford builds a mechanical horse.
Henry Ford did not patent the automobile. That would be George B Selden and he held it hostage until Ford challenged him in court. Selden was a lot like Apple, making patents and threatening others with them to extort licensing fees. Probably not the first patent troll, but one of the pioneers in the field. Same as Ford didn't invent the car, but was instrumental in making the car what it is today (Ford's major contributions were in the manufacturing process, the Model T was actually a terrible car but it was affordable and easily built which was a first for cars).
Basically, your entire post is so horribly, horribly wrong.