AMD-K6 3D (90 bogoids)
Intel Core i7-4771 @ 3.50GHz (9940 bogoids) * 1%
Via C3 Ezra (100 bogoids)
Intel Pentium III Mobile 750MHz (103 bogoids)
AMD Athlon 64 2000+ (116 bogoids)
Intel Pentium 4 1300MHz (119 bogoids)
Wow, a couple of clown chips, and a searing indictment of Passmark, all rolled up together.
You can really see how Passmark should have been properly named Parkay Malarkey Spinmark.
Parkay Pentium 4, you are so busted.
[*] Cooking instructions: apply Parkay to soggy white bread, wait five minutes, LET THERE BE TOAST.
In the least surprise ever, turns out pajamas man-child develops tight-loop benchmark suites for the trade press. Normally. Except for this one time.
Setting: One unusual sunny morning.
Right at the crack of too-damn-early, there's a loud, surprising knock on the door. Curious, he shambles in sloppy slippers to the front door, where he's greeted by a slight man in a slick seersucker suit, who warmly extends a cold hand, and exclaims "my good man, you are just who we need".
"And who are you, again," asks pajamas man-child, with maximal crack of too-damn-early rhetorical sarcasm.
"I'm from Butler, Shine & White, department of Natural Born Unusual Suspects."
He lavishes upon his smooth introductory move a practiced pump on each of 'Butler', 'Shine', and 'White', Vaseline vise-grip apexing right on the 'na' in 'natural', relaxing on 'orn', then releasing precisely on second 'su'.
"Me?" pyjamas man-child replies meekly, meaty ham agog and drifting.
"True to form, true to form. Ewww, what's that sooty smell?"
"Shit, you caught me mid-spread. Must have left a large, hot lump."
"Well that's just the thing we'll be speaking about."
"Here's the thing. Here's the thing. We have it on good local authority that you're the king of shinola soliloquy."
"Local authority? Man, I'm so going to sue that pesky early-bird arborist."
"Don't be hasty. Let me tell you what we have in mind."
Pajamas man-child scratches behind his hairy pinna for a moment. "Sure, okay, fire away. Do tell me about this soliloquy shinola business."
"No, no, no! You've got that bass ackwards. Trust me, we've got all the soliloquy shinola money can buy. What we don't have ... yet ... is the natural born shinola soliloquy."
"Uh, if I catch your drift ... what I mean is ... uh ... you know ... the spread ... it answers back."
"For sure, we'll dub that in. Now how about let's discuss terms."
"In all high-margin, commodity seriousness."
"Okay then, come on in. Want some toast?"
"Uh, thanks but no thanks. Just in case, I brought us some fresh croissants." BS&W holds up large brown bag with hand-lettered accent marks on every vowel.
"Looks like you brought the entire continental buffet."
"Truth is, I'm here to see you spread."
"That's going to take a lot of spread."
"We'll use the big tub."
"Uh ... you just said 'tub' right? Not, uh, 'tooh' as in 'toothbr—'."
"—aw shucks, just between us, what's the big difference?"
"Uh, tubes come with a screw top ... or so I've heard."
"Yes, we did consider novel packaging, but it just doesn't say 'butter'."