The Saga of Komkast: The Curse of the Unbreaking Contract
In the ancient days, when streaming was young and modems still whispered in tongues of static, there lived a clan of mortals who sought the holy flame of Internet.
I. The Great Tempting
In the year of the Dreaded Bundle, came a rider from the north — a messenger of Komkast, clad in forged khakis and cursed polo.
He spake thus:
"Lo, you who seek download speeds of legend — take up this plan! A mere pittance of coin! Gigabits shall rain upon your hearth like mead in Valhalla!"
The clan rejoiced. A horn was blown. A router was installed.
They knew not the doom that had entered their hall.
II. The Trial of the Infinite Hold
One moon's cycle later, the village's Netflix froze mid-episode. The youngling wept, for Cocomelon did not return.
Eirik, son of Orm, brave but foolish, did lift the rune-stone (remote) and call upon the gods of Support.
He was cast into a realm of waiting — a place of flute-music and false assurances.
"Thou art number 37 in the queue," cried the Voice.
"Do not hang up. Thy suffering is important to us."
Eirik aged seven winters on that call. When at last he spoke to a priest of Komkast, the answers were vague, like mist over a fjord.
III. The Ghost Fees and the Billing Beasts
A new beast emerged — Fakturan, eater of gold. It crept into the village ledger by night, birthing charges none could explain:
"Broadcast Fee" though naught was broadcast.
"Equipment Rental" though no mortal touched said gear.
"Regional Warrior Sports Surcharge" though the village knew not sport.
The Jarl petitioned Komkast for justice. The Jarl was told it was “company policy.” The Jarl wept.
IV. The Chains That Cannot Be Broken
And lo — when the clan tried to flee, they found themselves bound by the Fiberless Contract, written in the blood of those who came before.
"If thou wouldst leave," boomed Komkast,
"thou must pay the Fee of Early Termination — one hundred coins and a pound of dignity."
The gods did not answer their prayers. Odin turned off his phone.
V. The Prophecy of Starlink
But in the distance, through snow and smoke, came whispers
"Elon rides the skies... his chariots beam the sacred Wi-Fi from stars"
The clan looked upward. Hope glimmered like a blinking router light.
They wait still, beneath lag and loathing, for that day when the heavens bring freedom.
And so ends the Saga of Komkast. Let it be carved in rune and remembered in meme, that future generations may choose wisely... or at least ask about cancellation fees first.