I'm pissed off so I'm writing in my journal thing. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Say things you might regret later in disorderly text that you will look back on and say, "I was such a loser, maybe I still am!"
I've been going to my community college for a year and a half, I'm starting my fourth semester now. Previously I was taking 'Electrical Technology', I thought it was what I really wanted to do. I changed my mind, I think, maybe it wasn't really what I wanted to do.
I didn't like my peers, the classes were too easy, it was the same stuff over and over again. I was finding citations in the NEC more than anything, answering True or False questions for God's sake. I felt insulted, this wasn't a serious program, and I was paying quite a bit for 'lab fees' that weren't buying anything! Sure, I bent a few pieces of conduit, wire nutted some conductors, but it was all just crap. The only classes I enjoyed was circuits and PLC's. Maybe I was hoping to work with the little stuff but fooled myself the big stuff was the same thing.
What's worse is my asthma has gotten worse over the last few years and I am just not cut out for construction, especially in dusty, remote sites where few people will likely know what to do if I have a really bad asthma attack.
Now, I'm in shock about how much harder my classes now are. I can handle them all, but it's taking time, and I'm working, and it's winter and my asthma is killing me. My father keeps going into the hospital, he has a pancreatic pseudocyst and I've barely known him for the last decade and now I finally get to talk to him once in a while and he's falling apart.
I have four classes right now, Elementary Algebra, Psychology, Biology, and Writing and Composition I. I'd thought this stuff would all be easy for me, but it's not what I imagined. Well, the psychology is pretty easy stuff, I can just soak up the trivial knowledge, and I find it very fascinating. And the biology is great, the teacher is incredible and I could listen to him forever.
Okay, I'm overreacting, things aren't so bad. That algebra is a bit hefty, I'm better at math than I'll ever admit to myself (98% on my GED), but there is so much about algebra I hadn't realized I didn't know. So many rules, I'm happy they all stay the same but this is going to be a pretty big helping for me.
It's Writ&Comp that's really worrying me. I mean, the real problem has already been solved, I just have to pay attention to the online thing and do the fucking work, but this teacher... she's so uncompromising, I'm already sure she won't make deals, she doesn't do extra credit, she's really hard on attendance which has always been a problem for me due to my asthma. It's much different than what I'm used to, but I love it.
I'm happy she'll nail me to the wall, I'm in bliss she'll never let my bullshit slide. The fact is, I have gotten away with a lot of giving up and screwing off, only one of my instructors yet have come even close to giving me a bad grade. It was very easy for me to be an 'over-achiever' before because either my teachers didn't care, I had prior knowledge in the subject, or just really liked me personally.
My English teacher, none of this will help me. I'm sure coming in already with perfect English could work against someone with her, she's not conceited, but she will make damned sure people will learn something. It's a little frightening for me, it makes me angry, I feel all sorts of emotions I'm not used to feeling while thinking of the challenge this class will give me. I know it's the best thing for me.
What frightens me most, though, isn't that I have to deal with her strict attitude, it's that she's a very lively and social person and she makes everyone else be lively and social. I'm coping well enough, but I learned a new term today, "introvert", and I'm starting to think I'm that most of the time. When I am prepared and when I can choose to be around people, I love it, I'm great at it, but it wears me out mentally. I start getting angry and confused, I have to step away from the college sometimes just to have a moment of peace. No matter how quiet people are, just their presence is frustrating when I'm not prepared for them.
I don't know if it's paranoia or what, I can't even sit with my back to a crowd, I have to be able to see everyone else to feel halfway comfortable. Sometimes going to Wal Mart is Hell, the mass of people, and they're not there to talk quietly, they're there to BUY BUY BUY! I am too, but it makes the experience easier when there's a lot fewer people around.
It's still hard to put what I feel and what I think together, but... I don't know. I don't know if there is a but.