Step 1: Post CNN article claiming that Atlanta is among the cities whose drivers are least "likely to change lanes without signaling or swear at other motorists."

Step 2: Wait for it...

...since Round 1 got blowed up real good. My West picks are just shy of SWAGs at this point, since you rarely have to consider the top 4 seeds getting eliminated in the first round.

East

1 Ottawa vs. 4 Buffalo

For the most part, I still agree with my original pick. I worry that, at some point, the Senators will be trying not to lose again, instead of trying to win. Combine that with the Sabres' grit, and I think this will be a closer series than I first thought.

Prediction: Ottawa in 7

2 Carolina vs. 3 New Jersey

In this series, on the other hand, I'm more sure of my first choice. My reason for thinking this will go all 7, though, has changed. The 'Canes will have a little more momentum on their side, winning four straight after losing the first two to Montreal. And the Jagr-less Rangers didn't pose much of a threat to the Devils, so this will be their first real test.

Prediction: Devils in 7

West

5 San Jose vs. 8 Edmonton

This one should be very interesting. I'm sure the Oilers are studying how Nashville shut down Thornton and Cheechoo. If Edmonton can contain those two and Marleau, they should outlast the Sharks.

Prediction: Oilers in 7

6 Anaheim vs. 7 Colorado

Ilya Bryzgalov put the Ducks on top by being better than both Jean-Sebastien Giguere and Miikka Kiprusoff. Jose Theodore got the Avs through by being less mediocre than Marty Turco. Detecting a trend there?

Prediction: Mighty Ducks Of in 6

If things continue the way I think they will, this could be 2003 all over again: Anaheim scraps their way through a topsy-turvy West on the strength of a hot rookie goaltender, only to run into the New Jersey juggernaut in the Finals. Could it happen again? Dwayne Roloson has looked strong, so don't count Edmonton out. Ottawa is too loaded with talent to dismiss, especially if they get over the conference finals hump. Whether it's Jersey or Ottawa, I don't see anybody out West stopping them.

OK, so the refs are calling things a little too tight, and it's looking like the early regular season with all those power plays. But it makes a two-goal lead about as safe as a possum on a freeway.

East

1 Ottawa (4) vs. 8 Tampa (1) (Predicted OTT in 5): Did I nail this, or did I nail this? It didn't help Tampa's chances that Zdeno Chara came back ahead of schedule, and feisty as ever. Expect the Lightning to go goalie shopping this summer.

2 Carolina (4) vs. 7 Montreal (2) (Predicted CAR in 4): That was a scary start for the Hurricanes, dropping the first two at home. Once they got things rolling, though, they were too much for Montreal to handle.

3 New Jersey (4) vs. 6 NY Rangers (0) (Predicted NJD in 6): I figured that the Rangers could find a little extra something after dropping the division. But Jaromir Jagr's shoulder injury was the last straw.

4 Buffalo (4) vs. 5 Philadelphia (2) (Predicted BUF in 6): Right on again. Could Ken Hitchcock's job be in jeopardy after the Flyers stunk the joint up in game 6? Too many good players were making too many half-assed plays in the second period of that game.

West

1 Detroit (2) vs. 8 Edmonton (4) (Predicted DET in 6): Looks like I picked the Wings' collapse one round too late. Maybe they'll be looking for a new goalie this summer, too. Manny Legace, you can't give up 4 in the third period of an elimination game.

2 Dallas (1) vs. 7 Colorado (4) (Predicted DAL in 5): I thought this would be the year Marty Turco turned the corner and established his playoff bona fides. Instead, he was merely good, and the Avs were damn lucky. But for two fluke goals, Dallas would still be playing. The turning point was 18:15 of the third period of Game 3. Dallas had 10 seconds left on a power play, the puck was in Colorado's zone, and Brenden Morrow can-opener'd Brett Clark into the corner boards, two for tripping. Even Avs fans were screaming "Morrow, what the $#^%@ were you thinking?!" One power play goal later, it's tied. The overtime only lasted 69 seconds, and the puck was in the Stars' zone for all but 5 by my count.

3 Calgary (3) vs. 6 Anaheim (4) (Predicted CGY in 7): Uh, oh. Anaheim's got a hot rookie goaltender again. (Although I'm kinda bummed that we won't have the Battle Of Alberta in the second round. That would have been a wild series.)

4 Nashville (1) vs. 5 San Jose (4) (Predicted SJS in 7): When your superstars are held in check, you need those second-line guys to step up. The Sharks had Patrick Marleau, the Preds had nobody.

My Western Conference bracket is a mess, but I'm not alone. I've been tracking my progress along side ESPN's Pool O' Experts: Barry Melrose, John Buccigross, EJ Hradek, Scott Burnside, and David Amber. Nobody picked Colorado, and only Amber picked the Oilers. Of course, nobody from ESPN picked an entire bracket, either. They're playing things round-by-round. Wimps. And should I be scared that my first-round picks were identical to Barry Melrose's?

(Updated with the results of ANA/CGY game 7 and some formatting cleanup.)

That's right, kids. It's time once again for the analytical tomfoolery that is my predictions for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Instead of showing entire records, I've included how the teams played in their last 10 games.

Round 1

East

1 Ottawa Senators (3-5-2) vs. 8 Tampa Bay Lightning (5-4-1)

Regular Season: Ottawa, 4-0

Tampa has been a bit of a let down this year. It would be easy to say that losing Nikolai Khabibulin to free agency hurt the team. Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, and Brad Richards couldn't repeat last season's performance, however. The defense has been just OK. And both John Grahame and Sean Burke have been inconsistent this year, leaving John Tortorella to wonder which, if either, goalie is the go-to guy for the playoffs.

The Senators aren't exactly at full strength right now, as injuries slowed them down after the Olympic break. But Ray Emery has been strong in relief of Dominik Hasek, and kids like Jason Spezza, Dany Heatley, and Andrej Meszaros have carried Ottawa well enough that they can get through this round, get the big guns healthy, and make a strong run for the Cup.

Prediction: Senators in 5

2 Carolina Hurricanes (5-3-2) vs. 7 Montreal Canadiens (6-4-0)

Regular Season: Carolina, 4-0

Carolina was strong and consistent all season long. The Habs have needed heroic performances from Cristobal Huet, night in and night out, just to stay alive. Normally, I'd go with a hot goaltender like Huet, but the fact that three of Carolina's wins were by 4 goals or more tells me that Montreal is going to fold.

Prediction: Hurricanes in 4

3 New Jersey Devils (10-0-0) vs. 6 New York Rangers (4-6-0)

Regular Season: 4-4

This is the only divisional match-up in the first round, and it has plenty of back story, so expect this to be a wild series.

First of all, this is the Rangers' first playoff appearance since 1997. For all of their extravagant spending before The Lockout, they had never built a good team. This year, new head coach Tom Renney realized that you don't fit Jaromir Jagr into a system, you build one around him. So Renney did, and Jagr had a tremendous year, finishing second in both total points and goals after leading both categories for most of the season. Add in two legitimate Rookie of the Year candidates in winger Petr Prucha and goalie Henrik Lundqvist, and you have a formula for a division title.

Except for the fact that they're entering the playoffs on a 5-game losing streak. The Rangers entered the final day of the season one point ahead of Philadelphia and New Jersey. By losing to Ottawa, the Rangers lost the division and dropped three seeds. Lundqvist is coming back from an injury, and backup Kevin Weekes hasn't been sharp.

Jersey, on the other hand, couldn't be hotter. They rode an 11-game winning streak to the division title, and Martin Brodeur has been out-of-his-mind brilliant during that run. The last thing any team wants to hear is that they have to face Brodeur on a hot streak in the playoffs.

Prediction: Devils in 6

4 Buffalo Sabres (7-3-0) vs. 5 Philadelphia Flyers (5-4-1)

Regular Season: Sabres, 3-1

This series is full of questions. Is Peter Forsberg's $UNSPECIFIED_LOWER_BODY_INJURY healthy? Is Ryan Miller's lack of playoff experience a liability for Buffalo? Can the Flyers handle Buffalo's scoring depth? Can Robert Esche keep the starting job for Philly? If not, can Antero Niittymaki regain his Olympic MVP form, or has he been overworked? Will any of my questions actually be relevant to the series?

Prediction: Sabres in 6

West

1 Detroit Red Wings (8-1-1) vs. 8 Edmonton Oilers (5-4-1)

Regular Season: 2-2

The Wings clinched the best record in hockey over a week ago, but they didn't let off the gas once they did. That may be a good thing, since they've had a run of strong regular seasons and early playoff exits in recent years. Has playing in a division with league bottom-feeders Chicago, Columbus, and St. Louis softened them? To make matters worse, they're facing an Oilers team that has given them fits this year, pushing three of their four meetings to overtime. I think momentum and the desire to give Steve Yzerman a grand finale will give Detroit the advantage.

Prediction: Red Wings in 6

2 Dallas Stars (4-3-3) vs. 7 Colorado Avalanche (4-5-1)

Regular Season: Stars, 3-1

Dallas and Carolina are two 2-seeds in a pod, going about their business in much the same way: Under the radar.

Colorado and Montreal also have some 7-seed symmetry, in the form of a goaltender trade that sent David Aebischer to Montreal (to back up Huet, as things worked out) for Jose Theodore, who has spent much of the stretch run recovering from a heel injury suffered while shoveling snow during the Olympic break. The Avs have essentially bet the farm that Theodore will carry them through the playoffs. Those of you hoping that the "bet" would lead to a series of Texas Hold'em metaphors from me will be disappointed, though. Colorado won't last that long.

Prediction: Stars in 5

3 Calgary Flames (6-1-3) vs. 6 Anaheim Mighty Ducks (6-4-0)

Regular Season: 2-2

This series feels so much like a 4-5 match-up, that I honestly flipped a coin to come up with a prediction. Neither team has an aspect that jumps off the page.

Prediction: Heads, I mean, Flames in... (heads 6, tails 7) 7

4 Nashville Predators (7-3-0) vs. 5 San Jose Sharks (8-1-1)

Regular Season: 2-2

This 4-5 series has some stories to tell, at least. First of all, the season series was very close, with both of the Sharks' wins coming in overtime, while both Preds' wins were 1-goal games in regulation. And both teams are riding strong stretch runs into the playoffs. Two things will tip the scales in this series.

For San Jose, it's the spontaneous combustion of Joe Thornton and Jonathan Cheechoo. Gallons of ink and gigabytes of bandwidth have been wasted on why Thornton "failed" in Boston. His play since being traded to San Jose early in the season has proven one thing: His only failure was in not single-handedly carrying a mismanaged Original Six team on his back. That trade turned the Sharks' season around, Thornton won the Art Ross Trophy as the league's leading scorer, and Cheechoo won the Rocket Richard Trophy for scoring the most goals.

For Nashville, however, the story is the loss of Tomas Voukoun for the rest of the season, due to blood clots in his abdomen and lower back. Things had been looking up for the Preds all year, with a resurgent Paul Kariya leading the way and, for most of the season, a tight division race with Detroit. Then backup goalie Chris Mason got a phone call during dinner. Voukoun wanted to tell Mason personally that he'd be The Man for the playoffs. So far, Mason has done well, but I don't think Nashville can stop the Sharks' attack.

Prediction: Sharks in 7

Round 2

East

1 Ottawa vs. 4 Buffalo

Nothing like a division match-up in the second round. It ought to be a little nastier, but a rested Ottawa should beat a tired Buffalo.

Prediction: Senators in 6

2 Carolina vs. 3 New Jersey

I stand corrected. The last thing any team wants to hear is that New Jersey is building momentum in the playoffs. I'd give the edge to the Canes, if the Devils weren't entering the playoffs on a roll. But they are.

Prediction: Devils in 7

West

1 Detroit vs. 5 San Jose

Uh-oh. Strange things happen when these two teams meet in the playoffs. Something tells me that Detroit's tendency to fade early will run into San Jose's momentum, and the result will be a lot of people comparing Red Wings hockey to Kansas Jayhawks basketball.

Prediction: Sharks in 7

2 Dallas vs. 3 Calgary

The Stars quietly, efficiently, dispose of another opponent.

Prediction: Stars in 6

Conference Finals

East

1 Ottawa vs. 3 New Jersey

In the past few years, Ottawa has suffered some playoff collapses that have been painful to watch. Let it be said that, this year, it won't be a collapse. Try as they might, however, I don't think they have enough in the tank to beat Jersey.

Prediction: Devils in 7

West

2 Dallas vs. 5 San Jose

This will be a hard-fought battle, but I have to fall back on an old cliché here: Offense gets the glory, defense wins the game.

Prediction: Stars in 7

Stanley Cup Finals

Dallas vs. New Jersey

As much fun as it is to watch a Cinderella reach the finals, there's always a chance that the finals themselves will be a dog, as Cinderella's glass slipper is ground to sand. No such problem here, as we get to watch the result of two steamrollers colliding head-on. Both franchises have a history of building teams that thrive on playoff momentum. Being from the same division as the Devils, I see Martin Brodeur way too often to think that he'll be the one who cracks. Sorry, Marty Turco.

Prediction: Devils in 7

Update: Fixed details on Theodore's injury.

The Patriots are the luckiest 11 seed in history. A Sweet 16 game against another upset special (Wichita State). Then, an Elite 8 game against a team that spent the Tournament playing down to, then escaping, their competition (UConn). UConn finally ran out of back-breaking threes, and the last mid-major you expected to see in the Final Four is in the Final Four. (OK, maybe not the last mid-major. *couth*Winthrop*cough*.)

And is it too late to change my pick for the final? Villanova was my first choice, but LSU looks so strong right now. Glen Davis and Tyrus Thomas are the best frontcourt in the Final Four.

Update: I guess it's my turn on the karma-go-round. During the first round, I was jagging Mantorp for picking Syracuse to win the Atlanta region. Today, I see that only bracket still has points in play. Guess who's? If UCLA beats LSU, Mantorp leapfrogs into first place.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apple products shipping with Intel CPUs.
Seattle Seahawks, NFC Champions.
Toyota is running Camrys in Nextel Cup in 2007.

How many more of these can we take in one month?

I think somebody figured out roblimo's password. The offending posts have been removed, but I managed to capture a screenshot.

Phew!

That was, without a doubt, the most nerve-wracking, heart-in-my-throat crazy Steeler game I have ever witnessed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call for somebody with a spatula, so I can peel myself off the ceiling.

I was going to be doing those on a regular basis. But Mom always said, "If you can't say anything nice..."

Instead, I'll let head coach Michel Therrien say it far better than I could.

Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

A - Accent: I don't know where yinz guys get the idea in yer head that Picksburghers got a funny accent, 'n'at.
B - Breakfast: Bowl of cereal, glass of milk. Today was Cheerios.
C - Chore you hate: Folding laundry. I don't mind the rest of the process, just the segregation of underwear and matching of socks. If I didn't have prospective buyers traipsing in and out of my <mumble>still unsold</mumble> house, the whites would stay in the laundry basket.
D - Dad's Name: Edward
E - Essential everyday item: Corrective lenses.
F - Flavour ice cream: Rocky Road
G - Gold or Silver?: It's not Gold XOR Silver, so I'll say TRUE.
H - Hometown: Pittsburgh. (See A.)
I - Insomnia: What is this "sleep pattern" you speak of?
J - Job Title: Senior code monkey
K - Kids: None.
L - Living arrangements: House. For sale. In a dead real estate market. With a nicer house already lined up. Which is contingent on the sale of the current house. But I'm not bitter.
M - Mom's birthplace: Pittsburgh. (See A, but with an even thicker accent.)
N - Number of significant others you've ever had: Knock knock! "Who's there?" Nunya! "Nunya who?" Nunya damn business!
O - Overnight hospital stays: None yet. (Knocks wood)
P - Phobia: Spiders.
Q - Queer?: I've been called "odd", even "eccentric", but never "queer".
R - Religious Affiliation: Presbyterian.
S - Siblings: None.
T - Time you wake up: About 10 minutes after I get to work.
U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Me and the other tuba player decided to dye our hair school colors for the homecoming bonfire. A Flock Of Seagulls, only green and gold.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: Pickled beets. I'm OK with other pickled things, and beets aren't bad, depending on how they're used. But pickled beets are some harmonic convergence of nasty whose odor alone will chase me from the room.
W - Worst habit: Cracking my knuckles.
X - X-rays you've had: Each ankle, twice.
Y - Yummy: Good Italian food.
Z - Zodiac sign: Geekus, the sign of the geek, with the LEDs of his Belt Of Many Gadgets glittering in the night sky, clue-by-four at the ready to beat back the... huh? Orion? What, so now you're an astronomer? Geez.

No, it's not another one of those "poke and prod in your personal life with slightly more cleverly worded questions" chain letters. This is a Call To Action!

Lincoln is replacing right proper names with alphanumeric gibberish! Their first victim is the Aviator. Originally, it was a rebadged Explorer. At the upcoming Detroit auto show, they'll be debuting the new version, which will be a crossover. Until now, it has been referred to by Ford as "Aviator". Yesterday (while everybody was watching bowl games, tricksy marketing droneses) they announced the switch to Alpha-Bits, and the Aviator would now be known as "MKX".

Stop the MGR*, I want off.

Or, to paraphrase a poster in AutoWeek's forums:

Imagine this comparison test: ML vs MDX vs MKX vs SRX vs RX vs FX vs 9-7X vs X5 vs Q7.**

I think a little guerilla counter-marketing is in order. Here's the plan:

If you are at an auto show where the MKX/OMFG/WTF/BBQ is being shown, ask the booth babe, "Is that the new $OTHER_CROSSOVER_WITH_ALPHA_NAME?" Bonus for calling it a Cadillac SRX (crosstown rivalry, always gets under their skin), double-bonus for Acura MDX (Only one letter off!). Just don't use something that has a real name, like Volkswagen Touareg, Chrysler Pacifica, or any of GM's sub-Saab models.

Not that I give two shits about Lincoln in particular. They haven't produced a good car since... um... well, maybe I'll think of one before I'm done writing this. I see this more as an opportunity to stop the anonymous alphabetical madness. It's the "Dump some Boggle dice on a table" naming convention that's the target here.

Think about this sign of Ford's stupidity: Cadillac didn't give a second thought about keeping the name Escalade when the rest of their line switched to letter codes. "Escalade" was too well known to mess with. Lincoln is still thinking about what to do with the equally-well-known Navigator name.

Spread the word, people. Do you really want to drive a car with a nameplate that looks like an SMS message from a 12-year-old? Besides, this ought to be easier than Plan B: Convince Infiniti to offer "Skyline 350GT" badges as a factory option on the G35.

*: Formerly known as the merry-go-round.
**: I'll at least give Mercedes and Audi credit for not letting the letter "X" anywhere near their model nomenclature.

OK, you talked me into it...

• Four Jobs You've Had In Your Life
  • McBurger slinger.
  • dBase IV (whoa!) monkey
  • Student assistant at the college computer center. (Easiest time I ever served. I got paid to screw around on a VAX and give Elementary Education majors helpful advice like "Click there." when they couldn't figure out a Mac.)
  • VB monkey
• Four Movies You Could Watch Over And Over
  • Monty Python And The Holy Grail
  • Field Of Dreams
  • True Lies
  • The Lord Of The Rings
• Four Cities You've Lived In
  • Cheswick, PA
  • Grove City, PA
  • Glenshaw, PA
  • (I haven't moved that many times. Heck, I'm stretching it by counting college.)
• Four TV Shows You Love To Watch
  • Monk
  • My Name Is Earl
  • Battlestar Galactica
  • Numb3rs
• Four Places You've Been On Vacation
  • Toronto, ONT
  • Orlando/Bradenton, FL (Is vacationing in a Disney-owned property a requirement of citizenship in the US? And if you're a baseball fan, I highly recommend you see at least one spring training game in your life.)
  • Washington, DC
  • Colorado Springs, CO
• Four Websites You Visit Daily (Besides Slashdot)
  • CNN
  • AutoWeek
  • GMail
  • A ton of RSS feeds
• Four Of Your Favorite Foods
  • Hawaiian Pizza (Don't start!)
  • Lasagne
  • Mom's meatloaf
  • Fish and Chips
• Four Places You'd Rather Be Right Now
  • [See Vacation List, above]
  • Ireland
  • Japan
  • Seven Springs, so I can put all this damn snow to good use!

It was like 1991 all over again. The crowd was rocking, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem, Mark Recchi was on the wing, the Pens were getting out-shot but still winning, Mario was dominating every shift, and the refs put the whistles away in the third period.

But, of course, this is 2005. That means Christina's no longer that little girl from Wexford who sings the Star-Spangled Banner real good, but a multi-platinum international superstar who has to hold on to her wig for the high notes. The refs didn't blow many whistles in the third because they wore 'em out in the first two. And Mario wasn't on a line with Recchi and Kevin Stevens, but Ryan Malone and Ziggy Palffy.

But that's OK, because The Wreckin' Ball is showing young Sidney Crosby the way. Sid's a quick study, judging by how he scored his first NHL goal: Stuffing a close rebound behind Hannu Toivonen at 18:32 of the 2nd. (Assisted by Recchi and Palffy, on the power play, for the record.)

For those of you who haven't been to your local NHL rink for a game yet, beg, borrow, or steal to get tickets! Watching teams trade end-to-end rushes, long lead passes (no more two-line-pass rule!), and odd-man breaks is a blast when you're in the middle of a loud, rowdy crowd of 17,000.

Only four things could ruin such a wonderful night:

1. Most players still haven't learned that using stick on player == minor penalty, no matter how light the touch is. Lots of power plays and 5-on-3 time. Just kills the flow.
2. I am now convinced that the NHL tells its linesmen the exact opposite of what the rulebook says on icing. For years, they'd call icing when a defensive player could play the puck. All too often, they'd call icing when a defensive player tried to play the puck, but missed. Now, if an iced puck is the result of a missed pass, the linesman has the discretion to wave it off. Which, of course, means that the linesmen call icing every stinkin' time!
3. The refs still enjoy altering the outcome of the game with late-third penalties. There were two penalties called in the third period: One on Boston at 3:44, one on Pittsburgh, with the game tied, at 19:19. 16 minutes of non-calls, and they decide to get ticky-tack again with less than a minute left? What a crock!
4. Eddie Olczyk is under the mistaken impression that Steve Poapst is a penalty killer. Poapst spent the short overtime staggering around the slot like the last hour of a South Side pub crawl, looking for an alley to pee in, totally oblivious to the Bruins' power play. Glen Murray had time to pitch a tent before scoring the game-winner.

Final score: Bruins 7, Penguins 6, and Steve Poapst thanks his lucky stars that he hasn't been in town long enough for anyone to recognize him at the Giant Eagle.

Devils 5, Penguins 1, as Martin Brodeur puts a stone cold shutdown on the Pens' power play. Points of interest:

1. It's a shame we opened against the Devils and Brodeur. Between 37 shots, and a power play that rotates Lemieux, Malone, Palffy, Crosby, Recchi, LeClair, Gonchar, Jackman, and Tarnstrom, any lesser goaltender would be curled in his net, whimpering "Make it stop."
2. Thibault's rubber, Brodeur's glue. Rebound control for teh win!
3. Watching Sidney Crosby puck-handle is like watching Jagr in his prime. (Prime = "Before he turned into a sullen, compulsive-gambling headcase who thinks Darius Kasparaitis has mastered the English language.") Strong as an ox, and he still has a few more years to bulk up.
4. Thibault scares me sometimes. Last night, he nonchalantly watched a floater of a wrist shot that he though would sail over the net. It clanked off the front of the crossbar and back into the slot. If you watch the replay closely, you can see his eyeballs pop out through the cage of his mask.
5. Over/under on LeClair's penalty minutes for the season: 300, all of them minors for tripping and holding. Looks like there won't be a place for another Legion Of Doom in the New NHL.