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User Journal

Journal Journal: My weekend 2

Where to begin...

Well this weekend I got my entire left arm outlined. I already had a small skull on my forearm and a half sleeve on the upper part. I now have a star on my elbow and a large dragon filling up the rest, including the back of my arm up to the armpit. Prolly 3 more sessions to get the shading done.

Please do not beat me up now, those that can predict the following just skip to the ***

I spent the weekend with my ex. She came down with two of her girlfriends and her son. On Saturday they wanted to go out, I stayed home and babysat. Then yada yada yada... Today we went shopping, then to her mom's house, where she disapointed me in a way that she never had. The woman I loved truly is dead, this person I do not even know any more and she is a disapointment. I left the house and drove home alone.

***

In other news anyone know anyone in Phoenix (professionaly)? I am driving over there Oct 7 - 11. I am thinking of relocating. After 6 years at my job my boss (same one the whole time) has resigned. Maybe it is time to move on since it'll be like a new job anyway, and El Paso just does not pay.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Where is everyone at? 43

TL's latest JE has got me curious... Where are we all located? I am in El Paso, Texas, to the right of Las Cruces, New Mexico, and atop ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico.

User Journal

Journal Journal: very cool weekend... 6

Things appear to be looking up for me. On Friday, surfed Yahoo Personals, and found a cute girl who was online. So I IM her. We have a really good conversation, then we talk on the phone for a while, then I go to her house. We had a very good time. The next day went over again. Then the next day. I have met her family, her sisters, her parents, all the kids (including hers, she has two small daughters). I am really digging her.

The alarming thing to me is the lack of sex, and my feeling on that. I'm cool with it at this point, all good things in time. I am enjoying myself and not fighting or stressing feels so welcome. Having a conversation where it is okay to disagree and listen to another view, hearing a cute laugh when I try to be witty -- this is great.

Going to see her again today. Hopefully work is smooth and fast :-)

User Journal

Journal Journal: movin on 3

today i found something out from my ex that broke the camel's back -- no details to be posted here so do not even guess. So i am not talking to her anymore. I set up two dates for tonight (the internet is great) and will be out enjoying myself.

User Journal

Journal Journal: last night 7

So it was a bad day for most of the day... Talked to her after work and she claims she canceled her date and was going to some party.

I was like fuck this I am not staying home while she hooks up at some party (although she does not hook up like a fiend, still). So I got on Yahoo! Personals, met and started talking to this cool girl at 8pm. At 11pm I was at her house. It was a lot of fun, we talked a lot, had some drinks, watched a few movies. A good date. I was home by 6:30.

When I get home there was a IM from *her* on the PC (she knew I was on a date because she called me at 2am) -- "Hows your date?" "That good huh?" "SIGNED OUT 6:15am"... So chances are she's still sleeping and I will not hear from her for a while.

User Journal

Journal Journal: relapse 8

For the last week it has been hell... I have been hiding from every girl I have been talking to. I can't get my ex-fiance out of my head. I have been drinking nightly. I go to clubs and sit in the dark alone and drink. I am unable to talk to anyone, much less hook up. She has a date tonight with some guy from her school. My heart fell to my ass. I want to go home and cry myself to sleep but I do not want to freak out at work *again*, so I cannot leave unexpectedly.

Why can't I find someone to help me forget her the way she utterly made me forget my ex-wife? Why is this harder for me than every other relationship I have ever had?

I have been faking it. It's like another personality. I have this inexplicable charm and start talking to girls I do not honestly see myself with. I get them and then... they do not hit her mark. I ignore them. They go away.

I am left alone. Wanting her.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Actually it's time for me to come clean... 2

I am really Stephen King. I started coming to this site a while back after people kept saying I was dead. Well I'm not. Thank you for buying my books.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Free program... 2

Anyone out there use iTunes to listen to their mp3 collection? Use
Yahoo! Instant Messenger to chat? Run Windows9x or higher?

I recently wrote a program that takes your currently playing song in
iTunes and sets your YIM status message to reflect it.

I'll send it to you if you want it, YIM nick: misfitsfan76.

See the crosspost in my livejournal for screenshots: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misfitsfan76/

User Journal

Journal Journal: Last Night 9

We were late to the concert and missed TKK. Sucked. Ministry was so fucking awesome (as usual) though!! Spent my time in the pit pushing and being pushed. So many memory filled old songs in adition to the new ones. Different arangements for everything, very nice.

The show started with a guy in a sloppy suit and a GW Bush mask seig heiling the audience over opera music. From then on it was non-stop head banging and singing along.

Afterwards my friends and I and a DJ that had joined TKK last week all went to the club. Had some drinks and a SoCo shot. Then on to a gay bar. More drinks.

I start getting calls from my ex-fiance at Ministry. She is in town. She starts acting like a jealous GF. I tell her to leave me alone and stop tripping. Then she tells me she is at a bar with her ex-husband. I tell her to leave me the fuck alone.

At the gay bar she tells me to get ready to leave I'm going home with her. Now part of me is excited by this. I was the ride for four people, so I make arrangements to have other ppl drive them. I meet her outside. We go to Whataburger to eat. It goes well. We go to my house. God I wanted her. She refuses sex. Then I find out she lied about a few things including being at a bar with her ex. Head game upon head game.

So I tell her to get the fuck out. Leave and take her head games with her. I texted her later that I didn't love her anymore, I now respect myself too much to put up with shit, and to leave me alone.

It is good that Cilla is so easy going because I made a mistake, a huge one. I want to see what happens with her. I am seeing her today, and I can't wait. No drama, no fighting, no games. Now granted we do not know each other well enough for all of that yet, but that's not a bad thing at this point.

Living and learning.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Fun night planned 2

Tonight I am going to see Ministry and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult with Cilla as my date. Seen both of them before, but going to be killer. Ministry lives here in El Paso, I was in a local dive with them a few weeks ago, althought at the time talking to Al I didn't recognize them... At least I didn't turn into a fanboi :-)

I'll post an update later or mañana after the show...

User Journal

Journal Journal: Happy happy joy joy 2

I feel liberated. Happy and free. I don't know why I let my self sink so low. I don't know why I felt I had to care so much or so long for someone who didn't return it?

I was told today by her that she had a new boyfriend. I guess she wanted me to go nuts and cry. But when I looked inside I saw that not only did I not care she was with someone else, I was happy for her. I told her this and she told me she hated me.

Wow. But again I didn't care. Not in a negative way either.

I told her (well here is the transcript):

Her (6:01:26 PM): fuck you very mucho
Her (6:01:28 PM): bye
Me (6:01:40 PM): why the hostility?
Her (6:01:54 PM): cause i hate you
Her (6:01:56 PM): bye
Me (6:02:26 PM): I will always love you, I just want you to be happy. I honestly hope you will be
Me (6:02:42 PM): I am very sorry we didn't work out
Me (6:02:59 PM): Hate me if you want but know it doesn't go both ways
Me (6:03:02 PM): bye

I am going to see Priscilla tonight. But this is not why I am happy. I am having trouble explaining this. I feel such an immense weight lifted off of me. It feels so good to be done with it. I am happy being me for the first time pretty much ever. My friends have been so great. I am looking forward to doing things right. I just want to have fun and not worry. Not be jealous. Not be crazy. Why did I never figure this out before?

User Journal

Journal Journal: Well I'm back.... 6

A certain someone came upon my journal... I deleted all entries in panic, then realized I had nothing to hide. I am a grown-ass single man. I am free. I answer to only me, no one else. So having realized this I am back.

Been on several more dates since last entry (no longer existant). Didn't work out with Bea, didn't feel a spark. Met Priscilla. She DJs at a club I always go to. Always had a crush on her. Got her number last week. We had a date on Sunday night at 9pm.

The date ended 25 hours later. We really hit it off. Felt comfortable with each other. Had good conversation. Can't wait to see her again.

Things with the ex-fiance are bad now because she knows I had a long date. I decided to be cool with her, but she won't extend the same curtisy to me. I begged her for months to take me back. Brought me to the lowest point of my life. I don't honestly understand why she's upset, she doesn't want to be with me. She says she wants me to find someone else. Oh well...

Wish me luck, I felt a butterfly with this one and that is the sign for me. I may fall in love again, we'll have to see what happens. The awesome part is if I don't I know I'll be fine. That knowledge was earned hard. I will never let myself be hit like that again. I am also now totally incapable of cheating on the one I love. I never want to feel the pain of being left alone with only myself to blame ever again.

I was to be married on Thursday. Fucking Thursday. But I am living and learning :-)

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