N473's Journal: Last Night

We were late to the concert and missed TKK. Sucked. Ministry was so fucking awesome (as usual) though!! Spent my time in the pit pushing and being pushed. So many memory filled old songs in adition to the new ones. Different arangements for everything, very nice.

The show started with a guy in a sloppy suit and a GW Bush mask seig heiling the audience over opera music. From then on it was non-stop head banging and singing along.

Afterwards my friends and I and a DJ that had joined TKK last week all went to the club. Had some drinks and a SoCo shot. Then on to a gay bar. More drinks.

I start getting calls from my ex-fiance at Ministry. She is in town. She starts acting like a jealous GF. I tell her to leave me alone and stop tripping. Then she tells me she is at a bar with her ex-husband. I tell her to leave me the fuck alone.

At the gay bar she tells me to get ready to leave I'm going home with her. Now part of me is excited by this. I was the ride for four people, so I make arrangements to have other ppl drive them. I meet her outside. We go to Whataburger to eat. It goes well. We go to my house. God I wanted her. She refuses sex. Then I find out she lied about a few things including being at a bar with her ex. Head game upon head game.

So I tell her to get the fuck out. Leave and take her head games with her. I texted her later that I didn't love her anymore, I now respect myself too much to put up with shit, and to leave me alone.

It is good that Cilla is so easy going because I made a mistake, a huge one. I want to see what happens with her. I am seeing her today, and I can't wait. No drama, no fighting, no games. Now granted we do not know each other well enough for all of that yet, but that's not a bad thing at this point.

Living and learning.

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[account_deleted]

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My non descriptive subject heading

[HBI's_girl]

Slashdot requires one, I can't think of one, so that one will have to do! Now on to the more meaningful part of my comment...

I stand by what I said earlier. She wants to feel as if she has ownership of you... as in she can have you anytime, anywhere, and without having to really work to get you. When she feels she has you there, she'll ignore you. When she feels like you're slipping away, she'll turn on the possessiveness bs and get you back. Good job telling her to get lost!

Re:My non descriptive subject heading

[N473]

yeah...

I feel like a whore tonight, I was with Cilla earlier, and my ex later. Then when she was leaving I told her "BTW -- I was serious in that text, I don't love you anymore."

She got pissy and left. Then as I was going to go out she called me and said meet me at this bar. I had nothing going so I went. Then she was checking guys out in front of me, so I told her "bye, I'm going to a club to get some numbers." and left her there.

Three bars and lots of drinks later I am at home alone. I do not wan

Re:My non descriptive subject heading

[HBI's_girl]

Stop going back!!!

Easier said than done I know. I probably would have with some of my ex's given the chance, but they were such assholes during the breakups that it pretty much killed all thought of that.

Seriously, this chick is messed up. I cannot imagine WHAT she wants with you given that you cheated on her 9 times. I'm sure you're a great guy and all, but really, thats just massochistic... there has to be some sort of ulterior vengenance motive on her part. Save yourself the drama and just cut her off.

Re:My non descriptive subject heading

[N473]

That's the hard part, everytime I try to be a hard ass it's a lie. Plain and simple. A bold faced lie. I am in love with her.

I am also fed up with this. I so want to get on with my life. I am not letting this get in my way any more. But sometimes when it is quiet and I am alone, it comes back to me.

BTW -- the first seven times was with my ex-wife and my and my ex-fiance were not serious yet. The last two were the biggest mistake of my life. I am really a nice guy and have never cheated before, I a

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Re:My non descriptive subject heading

[HBI's_girl]

Ok... and you know she reads your JE's. So you know she just read that you are still in love with her.

So you need to make a choice. And she needs to make a choice. And Ex Fiance of N473 I know you are lurking and reading this so this goes out to you too... Decide what you want to do with each other!!!!

Either you want to be together or you don't. Its that simple. There is no friends that fuck relationship that can possibly exist between people who should have been married what 3 days ago had things not gon

Ah well.

[sbszine]

It always takes a while to disentangle yourself from this sort of thing. I find that the best thing -- if you can do it -- is to just not see her for a while, say three months. Take the spunky DJ chick on a holiday or something. You can sip cocktails on the beach at night and listen to industrial tapes hissing through an ancient ghetto blaster. I can see it now... a flickering bonfire, a pitcher of margaritas, Skinny Puppy.

What do you reckon?

Re:Ah well.

[N473]

That is going to become a fantasy of mine... Will have to do this sometime, not an out-of-reach type of fantasy :P

Thanks for the imagery, and the advice. Three months is prolly about the next time I would see her. I am not going to her town and she comes down to visit family about that often. So I have healing time. Now if I could just resist talking to her on the phone...

I just have to resist asking her about her love life or answering about mine (mine being the more interesting of the two ;) )...