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Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO 109

Shturmovik[KGB] writes "Now if *this* ain't bitingly appropriate, I don't know what is! Blue-Green Algae has announced that they will be entering the IPO market. " Algae, aka anabaena, and myself who has a patent on respiration will be entering into a strategic alliance to corner the market on respiration and oxygen. The royalties alone...
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Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO

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  • I posted this article on my office door this morning after reading the article last night-- a nice touch was the comment that blue green algae are actually cyanobacteria and not algae at all -- a true statement but one which microbiologists *always* bring up whenever blue-green algae are mentioned in any context, even if it contributes nothing to the discussion at hand.
  • by technos ( 73414 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:48AM (#1525288) Homepage Journal
    In response to the planned IPO of Blue-Green Algae, the newly formed Union of Mitochondrial Entities (U-ME) has scheduled a press conference for later this afternoon. According to sources close to the union leadership, the U-ME is planning to announce their demands for a contract, having worked for approximatly the last three billion years without one. Probable sticking points of the proposed contract include: Cellular Hot-Tubs, a forty hour work week, and an incremental wage increase of $1x10-18/hr over the next three milennia. When asked why the union was so suddenly interested in additional compensation for their services, one source, on condition of anonymity, had this to say; 'We at U-ME feel that the establishment of B/G Algae has set a precedent. Mono-cellular proto-organisms have rights too. We feel that if we do not exercise our rights at this time, we won't get another chance. Also, with the newly created oxygen monopoly, we think it is only a matter of time before they start to expand vertically over the entire respiratory model, perhaps into cellular metobolism given enough evolutinary time. We can't risk that.'
    More details will follow
  • The funny thing is that they really think they are k001...
  • by the eric conspiracy ( 20178 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @10:35AM (#1525293)
    After a successful IPO on Wednesday where ALG stock released at an initial IPO price of $9 rocketed to a closing price of $357, resulting in a corporate valuation of $76 billion dollars trading was halted after company representatives revealed the following facts:

    1). A stock option plan has left the company with outstanding obligations averaging 10 shares per employee, or 7.6x10^15 shares. This means the company debt exceeds the number of electrons in the sidereal universe.

    2). Several class action lawsuits have been filed by various organizations. These are:

    A) Friends of the Earth has sued based on the large number of lakes eutrophied by blue-green algea in the northeastern parts of the US.

    B) The Sierra Club has sued ALG for environmental pollution resulting from release of various and sundry toxins into the environment including a variety of heptaoxins and cytotoxins.

    C). Several species of archea have joined a class action suit for misappropriation of native lands and traditional food resources. Prior to the wanton atmospherical conversion by poisonous oxygen as a result of environmentally neglectful use of photosynthesis, archeabacterial were free to live and roam over the entire face of the earth. Now we are confined to small areas such as undersea volcano vents and hot springs. Never in the history of the planet has genocide, species extinction and ethnic cleansing been conducted on such a scale. Compensation claimed is total reconversion of the Earth's atmosphere a methane base.

    D). The US EPA has sued the blue-green algae for massive amounts of oil pollution during the Proterozoic Era. The US EPA claims that it is well known that large ancient oil deposits were formed during that period of time, and we anticipate being able to prove that the amounts of oil formed far exceed those formed in more recent geological periods. The common conception that most oil was formed in recent geologic epochs is just a urban myth.

    E.) The NAACA (National Association for the Advancement of Colored Algae) has sued for discrimination. A representative stated "the use of the perjorative term 'blue green algae' is not acceptable to members of the cyanobacteria family that are red or pink pigmented. We are tired of being ignored for our contribution to the earth's atmosphere, and being persecuted under names like the 'red tide'. This discrimination must stop, and politically incorrect names like blue-green algae are not to be tolerated!

  • I seem to recall that Hugh Laurie (of Blackadder and A Bit of Fry & Laurie fame) was in a satirical play about a company that decided to market air. The play was called "Gasping" and it was written by Ben Elton, who co-wrote three seasons of Blackadder, and a some number of seasons of Mr. Bean.

    They call air "Wonder-Whiffs" and try to corner the market...
  • Interesting, I read it Monday.
    You guys should really get out more, maybe read more informed and diverse views than those that are being peddled here.

    "News in the Slashdot Age" has a tendency to be either A.) repackaged, or B.) uninformed. If you read the primary sources more you will come to understand this.
    On the plus side the server seems to be down a lot less, which is good since this site was a terrible example of an "Open Source Site", with extended downtimes almost daily.
  • bah... everyone knows A2K is just vaporware.
  • Did you read the first line of my comment? I said it was humorous. I know it was a joke, but I seriously think that the average person is getting dumber. Some of us are getting smarter. ... I also think you missed my joke.. reverse evolution.. algae... like I said 5%

    send flames > /dev/null

  • "Half of Microsoft's upper management are single-celled."

    more correctly, i think: if any one of them had another neuron, he'd have a synapse.

  • Algae are plural, they would collectively announce, but then us Americans tend to regard big monster companies in the singular, so I digress, except that I still get bothered by Algae "announces" anything.

  • That may be the funniest site I have seen in a looong time. Read it, and then, for the best part, look at the guestbook. That always has me laughing my ass off.
  • by algae ( 2196 )
    OK, I just know that I've got prior art.

  • OK, they are a bit modified, optimized for connectivity.

    Does some things very well, but has about %30 downtime, during which the multimedia are a bit flakey.

    I keep it in an enclosure at the end of my neck.

    Sanity For Today
    Farley Flavors (of Fabulous Fast Food fame)
  • I am an oxygen producing Brazilian scrotum slime. As a member of the OOC (pronounced 'ook') I too have witnessed how algea is reaping the benefits of popularity. They create an image of the perfect Oxygen Producing organism, but they are not. They are the next Microsoft of the Oxygen world. Their mitochondria aren't even open source!
  • are you acutally upset at slashdot becuase you didn't find out about algea IPOing yesterday? Thats insane. At any point in the day slashdot can have 300-700 submissions pending. It takes time to sort through that.

  • To get to The Onion, I had to bypass Bess, the censoring program by N2H2 we use at my school. Soes I goes over to altavista to run it through the translator, hoping the the 'proxy magic' will override Bess. Woopy. It works. So, I wanted to read it in english, so I set the translation to 'German to English'. However, some of the article was hard to understand:

    "The pits the fact Anabaena that has failed to turn a profitable more quarter since its founding into the early Proterozoic Era, barrier Street experts said the algae's good name and substantial liquid getting thing should more than compensate."

    What is this Liquid Getting Thing? Is it some kind of PR boost to improve stock performance, or is it some kind of thinly veiled threat? I, for one, would hate to wake up one moring to find that all my liquid was gone.
  • I will have strong words with you my friend. I am quite confident that your patent infringes on mine.

    Since I have a patent on "The combined use of Forces of Nature (tm)" I think you should be paying me the royalties.

    I will see you in court...
  • notice it is posted under humor? Hemos isn't that stupid!
  • REDMOND - Microsoft announced today an exciting new showcase product, MS Breathable Gas, available as part of its new MS Atmosphere 2000 gaseous elements suite.

    A spokesman for Microsoft stated that they were committed to providing the richest respiratory experience to their customers by integrating MS Atmosphere 2000 into their MS Basic Life Needs System. "With MS Breathable Gas, both the corporate and home user can breathe easier, knowing that the gaseous content of their lungs are handled by the number one gas bag in the marketplace."

    The Microsoft spokesman was also quoted as saying "compared to MS Atmosphere 3.1, it's a breath of fresh air."
  • It's being squatted on by some motherfuckers named CES Marketing Group.

    'Round these parts, we don't take to domain-name squatters kindly (loads double-barreled shotgun).

    Vovida, OS VoIP
    Beer recipe: free! #Source
    Cold pints: $2 #Product

  • It's just you. Rather than Slashdot getting bland, you must be getting more exciting. :P

    Vovida, OS VoIP
    Beer recipe: free! #Source
    Cold pints: $2 #Product

  • Come ON now!!! What the hell is going on?!? All this is a bunch of shit! I mean, come on, its ALGAE! Can they even sign papers? I'm not trusting my money to something that is eaten by manatee, whales, and other critters. And that's an awful high opening price, huh? Oh, and if you go to that efnet channel posted multiple four times the spam fun you deserve a punch in the face for encouraging spam and 3l337 d00d4s.

    If you think you know what the hell is really going on you're probably full of shit.
  • While I freely admit that Suck has gone downhill pretty fraggin' fast, the Onion still rocks!! I can't through the week without the huge dose of spite that the Onion provides.


    -=He is watching you=-
  • Interesting, I read it Monday.

    Funny, because I read most of The Onion last night, and it was certainly not today's issue (yes, I did reload my browser). I've seen this trend before.

    The issue dates also suggest that they are published every Wednesday. I see no reason for the web version to appear two days before the print model.

    You guys should really get out more, maybe read more informed and diverse views than those that are being peddled here.

    Pot. Kettle. Black.

    "News in the Slashdot Age" has a tendency to be either A.) repackaged, or B.) uninformed. If you read the primary sources more you will come to understand this.

    In general, yes. But stories are also more interesting on Slashdot, because of the semi-informed discussion threads. You evidently agree, or you wouldn't have read my comment in the first place.

  • There are people that seem to find Jim Carrey and Chris Farley/David Spade funny as well.. Who knew.. (I m'self have to agree with the original poster on the UF front.. that's gone down hill so fast you'd think they were being pulled. But not as if I'm producing anything funny either, so who am I to judge... I like the Onion sporadically though.) I am but an egg...
  • How about [].
  • We use bess at my school too... I found a few good ways to get around it.
    First, use a proxy server to surf. One of these might work:
    or an encrypted one

    If you need forms support (for hotmail or something) you might have problems with these. Luckily, my network admin is not quite so intelligent. To bypass bess (in navigator), simply go to the edit menu, preferences, advanced, proxies, and select direct connection! Yes, he forgot to block port 80 traffic. If you use IE or something, it's a lot eaiser to disable the control panels, so you'll need more sophisticated hacking. You're admin is probably not so stupid, so that won't work. Good luck anyway.
  • "they"? no. I'm sure a group of people could not sink collectively to a level this low. It must be the work of a lone loser.
  • That's a "Cell Tech independent distributor". That's something I forgot to mention. Cell tech is also a MLM scheme.

  • Segfault does exactly that: a big clown head with the words "FAKE NEWS".

    But that spoils the fun. I personally don't see this as a problem at all. In fact, I read this IPO article on the Onion last week and got a good laugh out of it. When I saw it here, I eagerly read through comments, because it is statistically likely that some people just won't get it. heh heh heh... Those comments should be moderated up as "funny" IMHO

  • Pseron that's some type of demon right??
  • by jcostom ( 14735 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:13AM (#1525332) Homepage
    How do we get on the friends and family list? There are people I know that I'd classify as "slime", they're close enough, I think...
  • by jsm2 ( 89962 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:15AM (#1525333)
    Sorry, Hemos. Last I heard, most Fortune 500 CEOs were convinced that Microsoft would come out with something better than respiration, and were holding their breath . . .

  • Who are they letting in on the IPO? I feel I deserve a shot, since I scoop the darned stuff out of my pond every year...
  • by rde ( 17364 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:21AM (#1525335)
    There are several reasons why this isn't a good bet for your money

    The company has 760 trillion employees. While each one works for peanuts (or methane), the potential for labour unrest is phenomenal.

    $47 is way over priced for a company with only two products. Supposing we all decided to stop using oxygen?

    Just because they're prokaryotic doesn't mean they're good businessbeings. Half of Microsoft's upper management are single-celled.

    "We Didn't Make The Atmosphere, We Just Made It Breathable" - bullshit. It may be a major oxygen producer, but it's far from the only one.

    Save your money. Buy andover shares. Or can I say that here?

  • Thank you Slashdot, always keeping us so up to date.

    Seriously, can you guys try to keep the postings actually NEW?
  • Now little Timmy, I've told you before, just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean other people don't find it funny.

    Keep up this behaviour and no dinner for you!
  • This is easily the funniest thing I've read in weeks! And to make it worse I just glanced at the headline before having to run downstairs for a few minutes. On the way down I figured it was real and was wondering what kind of idiot had patented algae and wanted to market it. The fact that I could even take this seriously for a MINUTE says something about the ludicrous state of our patent system and the IPO frenzy we've been in the middle of.

  • Who are they letting in on the IPO? I feel I deserve a shot, since I scoop the darned stuff out of my pond every year...
    So you murder billions of they employees, and you expect them to give you shares?
  • I have on on "Atomic reconstruction through the use of moleculer recomobonation"....I kinda think that might cover resperation too....
  • :) LOL! I think we need a moderation category called "rimshot".

  • This is humorous. I wonder what my fish will think of this. Does this mean that by growing algae in my tanks that I am infringing? Has this world just gotton stupider over the years? I am beginning to see trends of reverse evolution, in american culture. We seem to be getting dumber and dumber as we create more technology. We seem to use less of our brains as we get computers to do more. What now we use 5% instead of 8%. Why aren't we using like 12 to 15% by now?

    send flames > /dev/null

  • I highly recommend a subscription. I love mine!

  • ... posts their issues every Wednesday, usually in the early morning hours.

    Given that today *is* Wednesday, I'm not sure what the hell your gripe is.
  • Its not often that while reading slashdot I see something from the onion posted as a real news story. . . Lets try to denote things that are fake in advance so I know what I'm reading.
  • by jsm2 ( 89962 )
    If that's the funniest thing you read in weeks, then either you forgot to check this [] out on the Onion, or you're just not as puerile as I am.


    PS: Before its premature termination, that .sig was actually quite funny.
  • You know someone could genetically engineer some of this stuff, maybe make it a bit more eff. or something and then patent it. If they made it hostile toward others or something we could be screwed. I mean think, a hostile O2 producer that is owned. It would certainly be almost terroristic in nature to release such a thing.
  • by Storm ( 2856 )
    Now all they have to do is patent oxygen, and they're set...
  • I do belive i may have prior art in that my patent was applied for At The Beginning fo Time, but if not, sir, i would be more the happy to pay a licensing fee, i say we have to get rid of this "Hemos" fellow, he has a monoply on resperation that we just have to break up.
  • by Rabbins ( 70965 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @09:13AM (#1525354)
    ... uhhh, usually things posted under "Humor" are not things to be taken seriosly.

    Sheesh, this certainly comes up a lot... maybe there needs to be a slightly more obvious icon. Like perhaps a huge clown face screaming "This is a joke you fucking IDIOTS!!!"

    Maybe that would help folks such as Cyberllama here.
  • by re-geeked ( 113937 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @10:02AM (#1525356)
    The Attorneys General of 15 states filed a lawsuit today against Anabaena in an attempt to reclaim damages from fires caused by the firm's flagship product, Oxygen. "Oxygen is the only product that, when used as intended, burns," claimed the AG for Illinois. "Anabaena's PR machine would have us believe that a cow was responsible for the Chicago fire, but really, what percentage of the atmosphere is methane? Without Oxygen, the fire, and millions like it, would never have ignited." In addition, Anabaena is charged with ignoring Oxygen's clearly addictive nature. Numerous studies have found the withdrawal symptoms to involve lightheadness, shortness of breath, severe brain damage, and even death. Anabaena, in a tersely-worded response, called the accusations slanderous: "Calling us slime may gain political points, but it doesn't hide this attempt to deny Americans the right to breathe."
  • them samned aliens'll be havin' themselves one uh them there ipo thingies... algae today, aliens tomorrow, that's what i always say.

    the amazing bc
    latin/funk flugelhorn & trumpet
    webnaut, music junkie, sysadmin from hell
  • Sure, this is a well-established species with a major market presence, but I see a company adrift with no sense of direction. Look at the negatives:

    2.5 billion years without a major product update. At this rate Microsoft may overtake them!

    760 trillion employees? Some see productivity, I see developer bloat. Most innovation comes from small, focused teams of fewer than ten entities. Read "The mythical Anabaena-Month" to see what I mean.

    Sure, there's no way Microsoft can "cut off their oxygen supply", but one load of FUD in a feeder stream, and we've got a major algae bloom on our hands. How many MBA's out there are trained to deal with that?

  • oh... so much like what the power company does?
    the amazing bc
    latin/funk flugelhorn & trumpet
    webnaut, music junkie, sysadmin from hell
  • I think the best solution is to boycot oxygen. It only causes rust and forest fires anyway.

    Unless there's a patent on boycotting products via the internet too. There probably is, at least an application, for that.
  • As it happens, there really is a company [] based around blue-green algae which announced its IPO fairly recently. The company's called Cell Tech, it's based in Oregon (I think), and gets most of its sales from network marketing (a fairly common recourse for companies that need a substantial sales volume and have nowhere near the capital necessary to foment a desire for their products). Mostly they make nutritional supplements based on the algae. They send some to improverished countries who have disease problems related to general malnutrition. The people I've encountered who were into it were a fairly nice lot, if a little scary from their extreme level of interest in a single cyanobacteria.
  • Update: It has come to our attention that MS Breathable Gas MAY have a compatibility issue with the gasses provided by competitor's such as Mother Nature (NasDAQ: ERTH); the compatibility could theoretically cause such problems as mass extinction, however this has not yet been verified by MS owned independant labs. An upgrade to MS Atmosphere 2000 which address this deficiency and has a wide range of new ones will be available shortly.
  • Check out CellTech []. They've made a fortune selling blue-green algae capsules as a cure-all (a while back they got busted by the FTC for claiming it cured cancer). They're based in Klamath Falls, OR, where I went to school (OIT) and scarily enough, it's one of the major industries of the area.

  • and it can be summed up in a single (psuedo) word:



  • How about

    That's a "Cell Tech independent distributor". That's something I forgot to mention. Cell tech is also a MLM scheme.

    Dear Independent Cell Tech Distributor:

    The legal department at B/G Algae has serious concerns about your use of our registered trademark in your domain name and meta tags. We hereby formally request that you immediately cease and desist operation of said web site and transfer control of the domain name to B/G Algae lest we find it necessary to pursue the matter further.

    Yours truly,

    Kickem, Innaballs, & Phukumover
    Attorneys At Law

    "Rex unto my cleeb, and thou shalt have everlasting blort." - Zorp 3:16

  • The first thirty or so times, I was having a hard time believing that #rit "0wnz" me. However, your consistent argument has me convinced. #rit 4u1z!
  • "Cyberllama", you really shouldn't be believing *any* news you hear from the major media in the first place, so this isn't an excuse...
  • by bluGill ( 862 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @10:32AM (#1525369)

    AP, Nov 17, 1999, 14:00, cst. Blue-Green Algae has announced several corrections to their planed IPO. The orginial announcement states that they will list on NASDAQ as ALG. They will in fact be listing on the New York Stock exchange. Seasoned traders will have already noted that the symbol ALG has three letters, and by aggrement stocks on NYSE have three letters or less, all others have four or more.

    A spokeperson for the New York stock exchange has stated "While normally we do not deal with IPOs, ALG controlls a very large and important industry. Their size makes them a nateral fit with our focus on America's and the World's biggest companies. Upstarts at Nasdaq have received all the attention lately, but they are either smaller companies with a questionable future, or long overdue ofr moving over to our Exchange. ALG with it's three billion year history is proof to their staying power.

    ALG also noted that they engage in nitrigon fixing, not production. There is a glut in the unfixed nitrigon market, but we control the fixed nitrigon market. Further there is an abundance of entities that need fixed nitrigon and few can supply that need. Also we have a wide spread oxygon production process that we belive cannot be duplicated, even if others understood it. To date nobody has figgured out this process in enough detail to duplicate our distribution.

    Although ALG does not have a monopoly on Oxygen production, they point out that compititors in this buisness, which primarly include trees and grass, make up an insignificant amount of oxygon production. Further thier process ties them to relativly dry land while ALG is able to produce in over 70% of the earths surface, and that area is not avaiable to big compititors. ALG also points out that have a presence in most places that trees control.

    Independant analysis covering ALGs impending IPO worry if they lay workiers off those workers would produce on their own. "These workers need to eat, and they are too small to have much a reserve." said an analysis for SmithAndJones co. Others have pointed out that DeBeers has a monopoly on diamond distribution, and they have managed to put excess production into vaults to keep prices high without cutting workers. The question remains though if ALG, which traditionally has not followed this model can successfully transistion to it.

  • The real question to be asked here is, "How will this affect the internet".

    Do they even have a web page!?

    If it does not have a "DOT-COM" on the end, I ain't touchin' it!
  • What now we use 5% instead of 8%. Why aren't we using like 12 to 15% by now?

    5% is the average. Most of us are up to 15%, but the scientologists are dragging the average down.
  • Did anyone else get that ol' reflex twitch and go straight to ?

  • I am disgusted by the plans of ALG to profit from the sales of their product.

    I propose that we ALL boycot the use of their product until they realize that the error of their ways. We should all just take a deep breath and tell ourselves that we don't NEED them anyway.

    I'm sure the justice department would be interested in looking into the monopoly status of ALG in the Oxygen producing industry.

    Who asked them to fix our Nitrogen in the first place??

    On the other hand, I wouldn't hold my breath for a quick resolution to this issue.
  • "Anabaena--We Didn't Make The Atmosphere, We Just Made It Breathable(TM)."

    Their slogan borders on copyright infringment. The BASF lawyers are sure to have a field day with that one... ;)

  • ... at least it's not a case where there's lots of prior art.-)
  • Even better is this week's infographic: What to do about Microsoft.
  • by Wakko Warner ( 324 ) on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:34AM (#1525381) Homepage Journal
    You *did* notice that this was an article from The Onion, right? Hence it's not to be taken seriously *at all*?

    I really hope you did notice that???

    - A.P.

    "One World, one Web, one Program" - Microsoft promotional ad

  • I mean for years, these animals have been producing and improving the atmostphere out of the goodness of thier hearts and now someone is profiting off all of it. Even if they open the IPO to people who helped them produce oxygen, several will be rejected and even then its not fully paying back the Open Oxygen Community. also this article reminds me of the one on linuxworld today about the linux powerhouse LinuxOne which recently announced IPO. -grant
  • So, what does this mean for all of the jellyfish in Jellyfish Lake in Palau. They have the algae living inside them in a symbiotic relationship. Does this mean that the jellyfish are going to have to pay royalties or find a free algae to co-exist with?
  • by anticypher ( 48312 ) <anticypher&gmail,com> on Wednesday November 17, 1999 @08:38AM (#1525391) Homepage
    Imagine what a beowulf cluster with a few trillion of these could do.

    Someone just has to do the first beowulf post :-)

    the AC
  • Because all blue-green algae are forming a corporation, it makes you not an infringer, but a manager of a corporate branch!
  • If that's the funniest thing you read in weeks, then either you forgot to check this out on the Onion, or you're just not as puerile as I am.


    PS: Before its premature termination, that .sig was actually quite funny.

    Hmm, the bedwetting thing wasn't as funny to me. And my .sig was funnier before I had to terminate it... It used to say 'Send me 5$ and help me make money!' at the end...

  • You *did* notice that this was an article from The Onion, right? Hence it's not to be taken seriously *at all*?

    I really hope you did notice that???

    All I saw before I had to leave for a few minutes was the headline on the Slashdot writeup. I didn't get to read the onion Article until I came back up. By that time I had already ruminated over what kind of imbecile was petenting algae...


"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!" -- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"